Happy Hippie Mama

Being a Husband and my stay at home Wife

2012-02-13T22:08:00.001-05:00

Back nearly 7 years ago, when we started this blog, it was our family blog and we both posted. We posted pretty infrequently and when posting was done, it was done by me. So by default, it became my blog. My husband had some words from his heart that he wanted to share and asked that I post it on "my" blog. And if anyone reading it, wants to talk to him about the subject, he welcomes it! So, I welcome my first guest blogger, Chris Holbrook :)

I will always remember the conversation. It was a shock, Idisagreed, promised to pray about it, didn’t…but God had a plan.

Just after Harrison was born, we moved back into Alicia’sparent’s house because of the debt we had accrued. So, we were living virtuallyrent free, I had a company car, so no gas expenses, free childcare, no utilities,and we were in debt up to our eyeballs. Dual income and no expenses along withthe help of Alicia’s parents, we were able to knock the debt out quickly. Thenwe get pregnant.

We were in the living room and Alicia turns to me and say’s,“Chris, I want to stay home with the babies.” I look at her and react as theloving nurturing husband I was at the time, “umm, I don’t see how that canhappen”. We discuss her needing to be home with the kids, and how ever sinceHarrison was born her heart was at home. I heard her, I listened… truly I did;but I had seen the numbers, I knew what my income was. I knew what our debtwas. It just didn’t add up.

We ended the conversation that night on completely differentsides of the fence. Her heart needed to be home. My reasoning didn’t see a wayit could happen. I agreed to at least consider it, and pray asking forguidance. Now, just a quick side note, at the time, my prayer life wasvirtually non-existent, and when I said I would pray about it, it was my way tosay, “Ok, I hear you, but I don’t agree, and I really need you off my backabout this”. Sensitive, I know. It’s cool though, God didn’t need me to pray, Hehad a plan.

Alicia continued to pray and seek opportunities to allow herto make the change. I continued to avoid the subject and continue to see nohope of this ever happening. Still, still had a plan.

Months went by, bills were paid off, and I began to see somehope to this. Trusting Alicia would go back to work if times got tough, I hadfound the financial stability I needed to agree. This whole staying home thingwas a good idea, I mean, I was startingto enjoy the idea of coming home to my family rather than running aroundpicking everyone up and having fast food on the drive home. However, somethinginside of me still didn’t warm up to the idea because I was afraid it wouldfail.

Then Kadie was born, Alicia had plenty of maternity leave,so weeks passed before we had to actually say we were doing this. I finally DIDpray, and felt as peace about the whole situation, something I had yet to havesince the conversation was brought up. She called Unum, resigned, and we beganour lives as a single income family.

Now, I’m not going to go into every detail of what hashappened over the course of the last four years to make it all happen becauseit’s not that important. Just know, we now have our own house, we have a secondcar, we eat well; and most importantly we are happy. All without Alicia havinga full time job. Yes, we still have financial difficulties, but not anything wecan’t handle. Yes, we work our tails off, but it’s worth it and I spend waymore time with my family now than I did before.

Alicia is able to stay with the children, teach them, playwith them, be with them. They have their mommy with them all day, and thatmakes everyone happy. Although I’m not home during the day, I feel more a partof everyone’s lives than I ever did because I’m just a phone call away.Everything is great.

Then 2012, Harrison is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.The testing came after constant problems at home, and looking back, alsoproblems at school. We start seeing little “quirks” in his behavior andnoticing how traditional schooling might not be the best fit for him. We startlooking at options, and through a ton of prayer, have decided to home schoolhim starting this summer. Once again God has a plan.

Had we not decided for Alicia to stay home years ago when wecould afford it, there is NO way we could or would make the jump now. God’stiming had us making that decision years ago when we felt it was a good move.He knew Harrison, He made him perfectly, and He gave that awesome little boy tous to be his parents. God knew we would want the best for him, and throughprayer, we realize right now, homeschooling is what is best for him.

As I look back, I see my screw-ups, my lacks, my weakness,and through it all, I see His strength, His perfect timing, and His Glory shiningthrough our story. Praise be to God!

Pearly

2012-01-30T23:28:00.001-05:00

We have developed an adjective in our household to describe our daughter and it is "pearly". Her name is Kadence Pearl. Most know her as Kadie or Kadie Pearl but those closest to her know her as Pearly - or just Pearl.

This little girl is the sweetest thing ever. She giggles, dances, chatters non stop, changes clothing about 20 times a day, works puzzles incessantly, breast feeds her big booty baby and helps me do my housework. She loves Power Rangers, princesses, babies, her "bunny house" and snacking all day long. She is whimsical, pink, huggy, sweaty, and really cute. She wears skirts or dresses all of the time and insists on dressing herself, and therefore usually doesn't match. She wants to do everything all by herself. If you do something for her, she will undo it and do it again - her way. She is stubborn, funny, mischievous and grouchy - especially if she is hot. She is very sensitive and wears her little heart on her sleeve. She is always thirsty and loves chocolate and taking swigs of my coffee when I'm not looking. She is very girly and the perfect touch of femininity to our otherwise, testosterone filled home.

She is just pearly in all of her precious pearliness. She is a precious pearly princess and I love her. I love every second of her. She is such a joy and I'm so thankful for her sweet little spirit. I will always be thankful for my precious daughter. God is so good.

My son, the Aspie

2012-01-25T00:06:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, my world came crashing down. We were told some not so surprising news. Our son, Harrison, was diagnosed with mild Aspergers, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and Sensory Integration Disorder. Again, it wasn't a surprise. I've known since before he was two, that he was different than most kids. He has always been challenging and quirky.

And nearly three weeks later, I'm still digesting it. My initial concerns were big picture things. Like is he going to be an independent adult? Do Aspies lead "normal" adult lives? Do they go to college? Do they get married? Do they have kids?

Let me backtrack. Aspie is lingo for Aspergers and it is not a derogatory term.

On the car ride home, after our appointment with the psychologist, Chris told me how thankful he was for me. Because of my seemingly pointless psychology degree, I was likely able to pick up on things that might have been overlooked and we were able to identify Aspergers earlier. Evidently, it is hard to diagnosis and often masks under the accompanying co-morbid conditions, like ADD, ADHD, ODD, OCD, SID, etc. Many Aspies don't get diagnosed until they are much older and early intervention is certainly helpful and more beneficial.

The thing is, he has NO problems at school. Other than being quirky and random, I don't know that it has been an issue at school, period. Most of our problems are at home and quite frankly have made us often feel like horrible parents. So in a way, it was a relief to finally have answers. And we've been dealing with this for 5 years (give or take), so it isn't new. But learning how to help him is new. Learning how to help is overwhelming. He is going to need occupational therapy and we are going to try some play based therapy. Medications are an option, but not an option we are considering at this point. We can involve school and get an IEP, but that doesn't seem necessary at this point, so we are still praying for direction. And then, both of us feel like homeschooling might be a better option for him - so that is a major prayer focus as well.

There is no cure for Aspergers. This is not something he will outgrow or overcome. He will have this for his entire lifetime. Our goal is to give him tools to lead a successful life and use these Aspie traits to glorify God.

For those not familiar, Aspergers is a pervasive development disorder (which has evidently been redefined as of last week). It causes problems in his development - socialization, communication, behavior, thinking and activities. Aspies generally don't have delays in language, cognitive development or self-help skills.

Here are the major symptoms we see with Harrison:
• Often prefers to be by himself
• Unaware of how his behavior and/or comments affect others
• Seems uninterested in activities that involve competition
• Socially inappropriate responses
• Makes limited eye contact
• Impressive long-term memory for facts
• Seems almost obsessed with a particular topic
• Expects others to understand what he thinks without telling them
• Does not ask for clarification when confused
• Cannot imagine what others are thinking
• Cannot interpret other’s intentions
• Extreme reactions to minor upsets
• Feelings are all-or-none
• Cannot read emotions of people’s faces
• Fanatical about his interest
• Seems obsessed with interest
• Talks incessantly about his interest
• Little interest in other topics
• Pursues advanced knowledge about his interest
• Shows off knowledge in almost encyclopedic manner
• Often prefers to play by himself rather than with peers
• Uses playmates as objects
• Intense reaction if play does not go his way
• Controlling of playmates
• Difficulty sharing toys
• Interprets things literally
• Has an unusual tone of voice
• Talks in an overly precise manner
• Uses advanced vocabulary
• Poor coordination
• Poor ball play
• Odd gait when walking or running
• Overly reactive to sounds
• Overly reactive to fabrics
• Resistant to food textures

Ashley, Susan (2006-10-01). Asperger's Answer Book: Professional Answers to 300 of the Top Questions Parents Ask (p. 3). Sourcebooks. Kindle Edition.

Now, that isn't to say all of those manifestations are severe, but they have all been evident at some point in time and some more than others.

So here is the thing. Nothing changes, except everything changes. He is still the same wonderful little boy that I love so fiercely it hurts. He is brilliant, fun, moody, quirky, funny, unique, and fantastic. NONE of those things change. All of the things we have struggled with for so many years now make so much more sense. And from what I understand about Aspergers, the social aspect gets harder as they mature.

As his mother, I just wish I could take the bad parts away from him. I don't want him to hurt. He has really felt his differences this year and he has definitely embraced them but sometimes it makes him really sad. It breaks my heart to see him sad. I want to protect him from the people that may not understand him. I want to protect him from the people that may not give him a chance because he is different than them. I want the world to see know what a wonderful little boy he is and how much he has to offer. I am definitely reassured when I research famous Aspies or people who where thought to have had it. Definitely some influential people in our history.

I am also reminded of one of my most spiritual moments. Early during my pregnancy, when we thought were were miscarrying him, I remember praying to God that Harrison would continue to grow inside of me. Begging with Him. Pleading with Him. I remember this incredible feeling of peace that came over and me and felt God telling me that this baby would do great things for Him. And I am constantly reading one of my favorite scriptures.

Psalm 139:13-14, (A psalm of David) ” 13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

God made Harrison perfectly. He did not make a mistake. He created Harrison just as He wanted him. God made my precious boy as he is.

There are so many things that have been going on within my emotions over the past few weeks and I have really wanted to write about it, but I've been in somewhat of denial. I'm starting to embrace it so that we can move forward. But I ask that you pray for us in many specific ways. Pray that we can be the kind of parents that Harrison needs. Pray that we can be the kind of parents Kadie and Sam need as well. Pray that we can help Harrison work through some of his major struggles and use his gifts to glorify God. Pray for our family as we begin the process of therapy and learning to live our lives as a family with an Aspie child. Pray that financial restraints won't keep us from being able to give us the treatment Harrison needs. Pray for our patience. Pray for our strength. Pray for the decisions we need to make. Pray for our marriage and that it stays strong. Pray for our faith and that it is strengthened.

His law is love and His gospel is peace

2011-12-12T08:54:00.000-05:00

The post title are beautiful lyrics from "Oh, Holy Night." It is a very moving song. That phrase speaks volumes to me. That is the God I know. He sent Jesus, for me. For you. Let us live our lives in the law of love and being peaceful. I have shared some powerful images that I've seen (while on Pinterest). I feel these images really help depict how we are supposed to live.

Staying grounded in Truth

2011-12-10T07:54:00.001-05:00

I apologize in advance if this post is hard to follow. It has been on my mind for a few days and I'm just now able to sit down and write it. I'd really love advice or feedback on this one, so please leave me a comment.

We all have a sense of what we believe is right and wrong. For most of us, that began as we were small children and our parents instilled beliefs into us that they felt were important enough to pass on to us. For some of us, these core beliefs and values were reinforced by church. Maybe some of them through school. But what I believe now, as an adult, isn't really the same as what my parents taught me. It took me living my life and experiences to make me who I am today. I certainly have used a lot of what I was taught by my parents as my building blocks. So as a parent, I understand that foundation is vital. Especially to keep my children grounded through childhood and adolescence.

I won't really dive into too much of what my beliefs and values are because that isn't the point of this post. I'm a Christian, but I'm pretty liberal with my beliefs, especially compared to how I was raised and the beliefs that were instilled in me as a youth. Essentially, most of what I believe, is supporting human rights 100% because I feel that is what Jesus supported. So that makes me hardcore pro life, against all forms of the death penalty, and equality for everyone with civil rights. Then there is a bunch of stuff in between.

For example, I was raised believing that drinking alcohol was absolutely wrong. Granted I had an alcoholic father for the bigger part of my life, but it was also instilled in me through my church. As an adult, I've learned it isn't consumption of alcohol isn't actually what is sinful, it is how much you consume and what you choose to do while consuming it that can be sinful. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I love beer. But I do not drink to get drunk. I just love beer. Just like I love coffee. Just like I love chocolate. Now the lessons that I've learned through being irresponsible with alcohol are definitely noteworthy, but again, not for this post. I know on a very personal level that irresponsibility with alcohol can ruin your life. It can ruin your child's life. It can ruin a lot of things, like making you do something that will change your life forever, in a way you did not wish for. At all.

Now, I look at my children and what we are trying to instill in them as core beliefs. Ultimately, I want my children to grow up loving Jesus and loving others. Everything else really doesn't matter. I can already see kindness and a love for people developing in my oldest son's heart. Is this just his personality or is something that has been nurtured to become that way? I really don't know.

We don't let our kids use crude language. Well, we try our best not to. It has definitely been an area of our life that has been difficult. I used to have the mouth of a sailor and so did Chris. I think mine developing from working in restaurants through college, but Chris used to work in news, and it was just a way of life. I think we are both pretty desensitized towards some words because of our pasts, but are mindful of how we speak in front of our kids. This lesson was learned, when we were visiting our now church home. Harrison was two and screamed, "damn it" really loudly in church. It is actually pretty funny, so ask me about it sometime. But what we are teaching our kids right now about crude language, isn't really something essential. I mean, I don't want them flippantly using the F word, but I'd much rather them say the F word than get belligerently drunk every weekend in college.

And as I'm aging I'm seeing that Christians who are real and that aren't completely sheltered from everything the word has to offer, are definitely more effective than the judgmental and sheltered type. If I live in my Christian bubble of contemporary Christian music, Sky Angel cable and only hanging out with my church friends, how am I to relate to unbelievers? How can I love them if I'm judging them and I'm stuck in my Jesus bubble? And I'm not saying that super conservative Christians are not good people and that they don't reach others, but I've found it is not the way for me.

So my question, is how do you teach your children to stay grounded in their beliefs and it actually work? My main reason for questioning is because I feel I strayed so incredibly far through my 20's and basically made the choice to ignore what I knew was right. I don't want that for my children. I don't want that for anyone that I know and love. Is the reason I strayed so far, because I was unreasonably conservative and just felt the need to rebel? I have actually questioned if my faith was even real as a youth, because I strayed so far. But I know deep within my heart that it was real. I was not raised in church. I went on my own accord from the time I was twelve until early college and I had some of the most spiritually rich experiences that really impacted me. I honestly feel it was because I let myself become desensitized to the point where I knew I was turning my back away from God. But why did I make that choice? I can never get those years back and I don't want the people I love to make those same mistakes. Has anyone else had similar experiences? Why do you feel it happened? Is there something I can do as a parent to keep my children from going through this? Or is this where faith comes in? Does it depend on the personality of a person?

To My Love

2011-12-07T00:39:00.001-05:00

I love you and I know you know it. But I hope you know how much I love you. You consume my thoughts. Good or bad, you consume them. You are my best friend. You are my soul mate. You make me crazy, giddy, angry, silly, frustrated, and joyful.

Twelve years ago when I was cooking dinner for you and just your friend, I had no idea. No idea. I was in my "bad boy" phase and you weren't even close to that. Still aren't, and that's cool. I had no idea that you would make me a wife, a mother and a different person. A better person.

I love you. I love your eyes. I even love your beard. I love your thick hands. I love your ridiculously corny jokes. I love how you still give me butterflies when we go on dates and the way my hands tingle when you hold them. I love that you give things voices and that you make up silly songs about everything with me. I love sharing my life with you and I can't wait to share many more years with you.

You make me want to be a better person. After nearly 12 years together, and 10 1/2 of them being married, we've had our shares of high and lows. It hasn't always been easy and some days seemed impossible, but I know that God gave us each other for our lifetime and that makes me happy. You rock.

I love you, Christopher.

ABC's

2011-12-05T20:29:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning thinking today was going to be a wonderful day. It felt poetic. I generally don't wake up happy because I stay up too late and get up too early, so it is a process for me. Usually a process that involves several cups of coffee.

Today has been one of those days that I want to forget. In fact, my wonderful husband is bringing me a bottle of wine home so that I can chill out. That actually makes me really, really happy.

But I'm not actually going to write about my terrible day. I really don't care about it anymore. It is a just a day and all of the unpleasant things that happened today really won't matter by the end of the week. Some of them won't even matter by tomorrow.

I'm just blogging tonight just because. I'm feeling quite random. Well, I'm never completely random because I'm a little bit OCD. I think I'm going to list all of the things in my head that come to mind with each letter of the alphabet. I feel like blogging but I really don't have any meaningful words to post. I'm feeling quite the opposite right now. So here goes...

A- Amazing Grace -my favorite song
B- Box of wine that my husband just arrived with and we can't remember if it was the good kind that we liked or the gross kind that sat on top of the fridge until we poured it out. A close second was Banjo. I am starting to have a thing for banjos, especially dudes who play banjos. I may relent and let Chris purchase one.
C-Cacti - I used to have a cacti collection when I was a young girl.
D- Dread locks. I want them and I'm going to start out with some wool ones really soon.
E- Elephants. They are cute in a weird, awkward way.
F- Flowers for Algernon - Chris just informed me, that at the rate I'm going, my blog post is going to be comparable to the format of this book.
G-Giddy. Man is a giddy thing.
H- Harrison Elliott - pretty freakin' awesome little dude. He makes me really happy and challenges me about 1,000 times a day. He is so stinkin' smart.
I - Ink - Planning another tattoo. I'm thinking of a tree of some sort to represent me & the hubs, with our names incorporated. I'd like to incorporate our kids into it as well. I need an artist friend to design it for me.
J- Jesus is a friend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8&feature=share
K- Kids. They drive me batty but I love them so much it hurts. They are such a big part of I have become in the past 6 years and I would not trade them for anything.
L -Lionel Ritchie. His name and face has brought me endless tears of laughter since August-ish.
M-Marriage. I freakin' love him. He is the only man I've ever loved. He has my whole heart. He makes me happy. He pisses me off too. But I still love him like crazy.
N-Naps. I don't take them. Chris would take them all of the time. H & K don't take them. Sam does. I would love to, but I'm a freak and I can't take a nap unless I'm pregnant. Not enough reason for me...
O- Obligatory. I just really like saying that word.
P-Pearly - She is so girly, and I'm sooo not. She twirls, dances, giggles, hugs and gives me hugs, just because. She is very pink and sparkly. She is wonderful.
Q- Quilt. I want to make a quilt. We have some really cool pieces from Cho's great grandma that I just need to put on a backing.
R- Reggae. Because I happen to be listening to a reggae-ish song right now.
S- Samchop - seriously the coolest baby dude, ever. He keeps me on my toes, but I love that kid so much. He is awesome. He makes me smile like a million times a day.
T- Troglodyte. Cave dweller!
U-Unadventurous. I do not want to live my life lacking boldness.
V- Violet. If we were to ever have another girl, her name is Violet.
W- Wookie. We are Star Wars fans.
X- Xanthan gum. It is a food additive. Because what else start with x?
Y- Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony.
Z-Zap - see video listed under "J".

So there you have it. And by the way, the box of wine was the good kind.

Spiritual Rollercoaster

2011-11-20T12:58:00.000-05:00

Wow. I feel like I really need to write about this, but it is going to be hard because my thoughts are all over the place. Last Thursday on November 10, I had a day where I was able to really listen to God. Those days are rare in my life because of my three small children. I rarely have such quiet times. It was wonderful. I didn't have any errands to run; Kadie was at school; Sam took a great nap; and I was at my mom's. I was in a spirit of prayer all day. I felt pretty clearly I knew where God was leading me (a specific ministry) and had a couple of signs from previous days that I felt were putting me in the right place. We spent the weekend at church and the message on Sunday solidified it for me. It was the sign I needed to take the plunge and start finding out about how I could be a part of this ministry. We sang "I surrender all" at church and I was there. I was surrendering all of it.

I need to backtrack slightly. About a month ago, we started a project in our living room. The project involved tearing a wall down and rebuilding it. It has been a month and our living room still looks like a construction zone. Now, this is hard for anyone to deal with, but to a stay at home mom of 3 young children, this is chaos. I spend a great deal of my time trying to keep my young children out of this room because they can get hurt. And this is our only room with enough seating for our family, other than the kitchen. It has been rough, not having the heart of our home in a usable condition for over a month, and this actually has me pretty frazzled on a daily basis.

Ok, on top of the living room, we've been pounded with unexpected expenses lately that we simply can't handle. I have a part time job that I work from home and generally I only work a few hours a week. Due to all of these things, I've really been trying to work more this month. My initial goal was 4 hours a night and I'm not coming anywhere close and we are halfway though November, so I'm a little frazzled about that.

Ok, fast forward to Sunday night. I always get slightly behind laundry on the weekend, so Sunday night and Monday's are my catch up days. There are five of us and we cloth diaper, so laundry is a big part of my life. On top of being behind on laundry, I have around 30 shirts I need to tie dye for various orders, and that needs a washer. So I put a load in the washer and go about my business. I have to make a late night trip to Wal-Mart because our only set of bedsheets gets a gigantic rip which can't be patched. So when I come back I put the sheets in the washer and everything is fine. The sheets are now in the dryer and I have a load of school and work clothes going for Chris & Harrison. I come into the laundry room to change them to the dryer and I see a ripped shirt sleeve of H's school shirt. What is going on? So I open the washer and find that the bellow has gotten damaged and eaten a shirt. Chris puts the bellow back in and we think we are fine. I start another load and we hear water leaking everywhere. After spending a few minutes in the laundry room, Chris determines we need a new bellow. Awesome. Sam's diapers were supposed to be next. So we get online, order the part and have it expedited to arrive on Tuesday.

Monday was a particularly ordinary day. I kept Harrison home from school due to a pretty bad eczema rash on his back and bottom. The kids were awesome and I got a lot around the house caught up. I met with my Women's Bible Study group, which is always nice. Tuesday my washer part was supposed to come in, so I was going to finish my laundry and dye my Christmas tree shirts. The part came in and Chris put it on late the evening because we had play rehearsal at church earlier (Now remember, I work when my kids go to bed - we have obligations every night this week, our kids are getting to bed late every night and I'm not getting to work until 9 or 10). So, the part doesn't fix the problem and he is too exhausted to deal with it, so it gets put on the back burner until Wednesday. - meanwhile laundry keeps piling. Also, I find out on Tuesday, that the concert I'm going to on Thursday (and have been looking forward to all week) is cancelled. I was so incredibly bummed because I so needed that in my life.

I should also add that for the past 2 days, we've been struggling with some behavioral issues with Harrison. Some bigger things that we feel like we've exhausted all efforts on and it is becoming clear that he might more help than what we can give him, so I am waiting to hear back about counseling/testing. Wednesday morning I felt helpless and like a failure because my son was struggling and I couldn't help him. My spirit was broken. I was an emotional mess.

For most of Wednesday, I am running errands and it is pouring down rain. It is never fun to run errands in the rain with small children. We have church that night and are there slightly later than usual because of something special we were asked to do. By the time we get home and get the kids in bed, it is late again. Chris can't figure out what is going on with the washer. He says he will try again when he gets home from work on Thursday.

At this point, I am beyond my breaking point. I'm letting myself get angry about circumstances. I feel helpless and out of control and I'm just plain angry. I've decided to go to a laundry mat Thursday to get the laundry caught up, while Chris gives it a last ditch effort to fix the washer. However, when I wake up Thursday morning, I realize that if I go to my mom's house I can do 3 loads of wash at a time based on all of my family that lives in close vicinity, and it will be cheaper than a laundry mat. So I spend all day Thursday at my mom's, sister's and nieces, running back and forth doing laundry. It was exhausting. Even though my concert was cancelled, I still had plans to meet my friends and hang out with them for an hour or so. So I come home for a few hours and hang out with my family and I meet up with friends for about 2 hours. Upon arriving home, it is clear to me that Chris can't fix the washer so it is time to call in a repair man. Yet another expense with horrible timing. Chris and I are both on edge because of all the stress. I need to work but I'm exhausted so I only get an hour of work in before I crash. I set my alarm for 4:30am in hopes to wake up and get some work done before I have to take Harrison to school. Harrison also has a small performance at school on Friday morning.

Friday morning I wake up early. I do my devotion bright and early. I'm happy. We are back to our happy selves, listening to music and dancing while we get ready. All 4 of us are ready to leave the house by 7:30, which gives plenty of time to get there for Harrison's performance. My van was parked on the street and running because it was cold outside. I get the kids loaded into the van, sit down to drive off and it is dying. My van was out of gas. Seriously? I haven't run out of gas since I was in college and this morning? Out of all mornings? So I'm trying to be rational and I remember that we should have a gas canister somewhere in our basement. I call my hubby to inquire the whereabouts of said gas canister. He tells me where it is, I find it. It feels like it has a decent amount inside, so this all was going to be okay. I pour the gas into my van and go to restart it. Nothing. I'm no longer rational at this point. I call my mother-in-law to see if she can pick up Harrison, in effort to get him to school on time, so she is on her way. Then I call Chris again and tell him. He tells me to put the van in neutral and let it coast down the hill so I can start the van. I do exactly that, but the power steering in our van is acting up (a recall on it that I need to address) and I almost hit our mailbox and can't get it steered where it needs to go. I slam on the brakes so we don't go into the ditch. Meanwhile, Harrison is sobbing hysterically because he doesn't want to miss his assembly. I'm crying because I'm angry and I'm broken and I simply can't deal with this in my life at this point. I got the van stopped and on a level spot and it started! Chris tells me to drive to the gas station. I irrationally respond because I feel like he is asking me to take a huge and stupid risk and that I will surely run out of gas again but on a much busier road. And I simply can't be stranded with 3 kids and no gas. After a few minutes, I realize I must drive to the gas station, to which I make it safely. Meanwhile, I call my mother-in-law to let her know I got my van to start and don't need her to take him to school. We get to the gas station and leave within a few minutes. We have less than 15 minutes to get Harrison to school, so I explain to him that he may not make it in time. It was my fault because I didn't pay attention to my gas tank and I was really sorry. He was so sweet. "Mommy, it is okay. It isn't your fault. It is my fault." Oh my goodness, it is not your fault. So we drive on to school, and somehow get there with 4 minutes to spare. I tell him to get out of the van and walk as quickly as he can and that we will catch up with him. Of course, he doesn't want to leave us behind and of course Kadie drops her hair clip and tries to have a 3 year old tantrum while walking in. He literally went flying in as the tardy bell was ringing. But alas, he got to perform and it was sweet. He was typical goofy little Harrison because he was embarrassed. So we hang out long enough to hug him and then we head back home.

So we get home, I make some phone calls about the washer and get a repairman set up for Monday. All in all, our Friday was okay. I was able to dye some shirts and use my mother-in-law's washer on Saturday to finish the shirts so that they could get to a friend on time. Chris and I set up a game plan to finish our chaotic living room. I'm settling down a bit.

Saturday night at church, in our small class with Pastor Ramon, we are discussing James and anger. And it becomes so clear to me that I let anger get me off course over the week. I lost my focus and could have handled things so much differently, but I let Alicia get in the way. Alicia with the quick temper and Alicia, the worrier.

And then in the worship service, I witnessed one of the most beautiful things ever. Our worship leader asked two special needs ladies in our church to worship with him on stage. And they worship by using sign language during music. And to see these two beautiful ladies worshipping so freely and so beautifully....it just made me sit back and re-focus on what is truly important. And of course, Pastor Ramon's service spoke to me as if he was preaching only for me. And Sunday School, solidified everything for me. God's words healed my spirit.

Then last night when I was praying about my week and repenting for my attitude and anger, I looked back and saw the small things that kept me going through the week. A text from a dear friend saying exactly what I needed to hear; a silly picture from a sweet young lady that made me smile and laugh; an encouraging phone call from one of my sisters; unprompted hugs and kisses from my children.

As I type all of this out, I realize my problems are all first world problems. And they seem terrible to me but really, I am still beyond blessed. And looking back at the spiritual high I was experiencing when all of this happened, I feel like I was being attacked and I let my guard down. I'm aware now. Really aware. And sometimes because of how stubborn I am, I feel like I have to reach this point of brokenness to actually really hear God. So not only am I aware but I'm listening and by the grace of God, I will not allow myself to get bogged down this week. Nothing of my own doing will keep that from happening but I will be absolutely saturating myself in Goodness.

And I'm incredibly grateful for the healing Words I heard this weekend and from the encouragement I received from special people in my life. God is good.

FML?

2011-10-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

I see it all the time. Every day. FML. Those three little letters make me cringe. They make me vomit inside my mouth a little bit. Between Facebook, twitter hashtags and texts, I'm sure most of us that are plugged into social networking see it pretty often.

Here is the thing. I get that it is an expression. And for some, just an over exagerrated expression of disdain for your life or that particular moment. I understand that we all have crappy days. And sometimes it seems like we get stuck in a cycle of crappy days. I've been there and I understand. But to say FML, even jokingly? And for those of you who live in a cave and don't know what it means - google it.

I will explain why it bothers me so much. First of all, life is precious. God gives us each day as a gift, if you choose to treat it as such. If you have the FML attitude every day, I can assure you - your life will be sucktastic. One thing that I have learned in my 34 years on earth is that your attitude can greatly influence the direction of your day. It cannot control everything, but if you choose to focus on the good things, it does make a difference.

Philippians 4:8
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

I think if we take that scripture to heart, it would really make a difference on how we view the things in our day to day life.

After losing two people very dear to me within the past 5 years, I understand that life is precious. After seeing how fast my baby is growing, I am reminded that life really does go by quickly. And those things that seem so terrible really won't be all that bad tomorrow. It might even take a few months.

Another reason FML really bothers me. Probably the main reason. Our problems are so small in comparison to the daily worries of so many. The majority of the people that are able to read this blog have a roof over your head, a car to drive, food in your kitchen, clean water, clothes on your back with extra to spare...you get my point. I mean, really? Really?

I realize that some may think that I'm being overly sensitive, and that is fine. Maybe I am. Usually I'm pretty laid back, but for some reason, this really gets to me. We all have opinions. But I'm just asking you to think before you write those three short letters. Is it really that bad?

Samuel

2011-09-20T21:47:00.001-04:00

I was in such a dark place.
I was drowning in a sea of sadness.
My life felt so empty, so meaningless.
I found out about you and I cried.
How on earth could you fit into our lives?
Seriously, this had to be a joke.
Then I accepted you. Embraced you.
I savored the kicks and hiccups.
I imagined things would be different.
I thought your entrance would be healing, but alas I was wrong.
I will never forget we thought we lost you. You scared the shit of out me.
How could someone I never knew I wanted be taken away from me?
But then you came and you were perfect.
Tiny and perfect.
And my happiness was still far away.
Your presence brought joy to my life, but I still had so much healing to do.
Then as the days passed, I allowed myself to become enamored of you.
It all makes sense now.
God gave me you.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know your purpose is much greater.
But God gave me you.
He gave me you so that I could genuinely smile again.
You have taught me that it is acceptable to love despite having experienced such loss.
You were a tiny vessel sent to restore our family's joy.
And the healing commenced.
Your name means "God has heard".
And yes, He heard.
He heard my heart. He knew I needed you.
You are my ray of sunshine.
I love you Samuel. I love you.

something small might make a difference

2011-09-05T22:10:00.000-04:00

After my pastor's message this past weekend, I absolutely have to do something. I cannot just sit here in my house passively. I came across this idea while pinning (imagine that) and just have to share it with everyone. Blessing bags from the Kids With a Vision blog.

For the bags around here I'm thinking of doing the following:
Put everything in a gallon size ziploc bag
chapstick

packages of tissues

toothbrush and sample size toothpaste

comb

soap (although they might not have access to a shower?)

trail mix

fruit cup

granola bars

peanut butter & crackers

pack of gum

band aids

mouthwash

coins

hand wipes

warm pair of socks

hand sanitizer

deodorant

note of encouragement

Any other ideas for the Tennessee area? I'm hoping to get started on these within the next week or so with some others from my church. Who else wants to make these?

Let us show them justice

2011-09-04T00:10:00.000-04:00

My pastor gave a message tonight on showing justice to others. We should show justice to others the way that God does to us. We don't deserve any of His grace or blessings, yet He still continues to pour it out. What if we, as Christians, actually showed others the justice that God shows us? How do we do this? Perhaps it could be as small as skipping your morning Starbucks every Friday morning and donating the money to your local food bank. Maybe it means skipping a lavish family vacation and taking the money you would have spent and giving it to a family who is homeless? Or maybe it means, taking half of your clothing and giving to someone who has nothing to wear?

This week my prayer is that I will be open and receptive to what God is showing me. How would He have me show justice to others? Mercy is definitely one of my spiritual gifts, along with creating. Hospitality ranks pretty high up there too.Perhaps I may be able to use one of these gifts this week.

If all Christians gave simply a tithe and nothing above it, can you imagine how many fewer people would go to bed hungry each night? Have you ever really thought about a child going to bed hungry? I mean, I've been on a diet and gone to bed hungry by my standards. But wow. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Malnutrition is by far the biggest contributor to child mortality according to the World Health Organization. About 14% of the world is undernourished. Christians, there are children dying because they have nothing to eat, yet many of us sit around with extra weight to lose, simply because we eat too much. Our refrigerators are packed to the brim and we complain we have nothing to eat, and there are children whose muscles are deteriorating and bellies are bloated because of a protein deficiency due to malnutrition.

I'm not going to lie, I have trouble sleeping most nights. But tonight I am losing sleep for a different reason. I pray that you will challenge yourself to live just a little bit more simply so that others may simply live. Whatever it may be, just be open to the change.

Pinspiration

2011-09-01T22:38:00.000-04:00

So, I am definitely addicted to Pinterest. I started pinning on our way back home from Hilton Head at the end of July. It was a superb way to pass time. Now admittedly, I said I would not pin because it seemed to be a time sucker. And I have to set limits on myself, or I get carried away. I have the app on my phone, which is great when I'm nursing Sam or waiting in the car rider line at Harrison's school. I've actually started using Pinterest for saving sites, rather than using the bookmark toolbar on my browser. It is just way easier to find my stuff and I love the picture option.

All of this pinning definitely has me feeling inspired. I was thinking it might be fun to have a little challenge/game. I've only used a few of my Pinterest ideas so far and I'd really like to start using at least one a week. There are definitely things I'm pinning for future reference, but just as many I'd like to do now. So, who is with me? Here is what I'm thinking -

Create an album on Facebook or a Board on Pinterest (or both) for things you are actually creating or ideas you are using. My challenge is to upload something to it at least once a week. Definitely more often if you are really that motivated! This way we are just sitting here pinning away and not doing anything with these fantastic ideas. Let's call it the Pinspiration Challenge. If you are in, then comment on my blog or on Facebook. Happy Pinning!

Oh, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Here is Pinterest. I'll be happy to email you an invite if you want one.

changing the spelling

2011-08-31T00:16:00.000-04:00

Ok, so when I started actively blogging, I was also actively stocking a cloth diapering congo with my dyed goodies. I was marketing to cloth diapering people so when I named my store, it was "Happy Hippy Mama". I purposefully misspelled hippie because I felt "hippy" was a play on words - hips/booties = kind of cloth diaper-ish. I simply can't stand it any longer. I must change the spelling on my blog to the accurate hippie. I'm way to OCD to deal with it. So, from this point forward, it will be hippie. Yes, I'm a little OCD. Get over it :)

Friends

2011-08-31T00:08:00.000-04:00

I have been so amazingly blessed with such wonderful friends. I have the privilege of being part of a very tight knit Sunday School class and a newly formed Ladies Bible Study. Some of my dearest friends in the world have come through these outlets. I'm so incredibly thankful for God placing each and everyone of these ladies in my life. It is awesome to know that if I call or text one of these ladies about anything, I have support. Whether it be venting, needing prayer or just for a laugh, I'm covered.

In addition to my church friends, I have my cloth diapering friends. Most of whom, I've never even met in real life. We met through a message board over cloth diapers and share a love for all things crunchy. Now we just chat daily about life. And we are from all walks of life and backgrounds. These ladies are absolutely amazing. They have been there for me, just as much as my local friends. In fact, when I lost my dad, they were one of my greatest support networks.

Then there are my friends that have just always been friends. They've been friends so long, they just fall into that group of my dear friends. Past co-workers, college, friends of a friend or we grew up together.These girls are awesome. Most of them have probably seen me through my highs and lows of all areas of life, yet they are still hanging around.

I consider myself to be blessed. Very blessed. I will wrap up this with a few of my favorite quotes.

"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
- Helen Keller

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
-William Arthur Ward

"The world would be so lonely, in sunny hours or gray. Without the gift of friendship, to help us every day."
- Hilda Brett Farr

Smiling, emotions, and other things

2011-08-28T23:08:00.001-04:00

Yesterday a lady at church told me how I was always smiling and happy, and how she appreciates it. It made me start thinking about how a smile can really just make someone's day. The truth is, I'm not always smiling and happy and it wasn't until just recently that I started feeling happy again. I've always been the type of person that will smile at a stranger, because you never know what they are going through. And maybe your smile will brighten their day. Even when I'm sad, I will try to smile. Just something I do. But in all honesty, it has taken me awhile to get back here.

The truth is that I've struggled with depression my entire life. It is a constant battle. I started pulling out of it as I got older and found myself. Growing up, I always tried to fit into this mold of someone I was not, which caused a lot of emotional turmoil. I started really finding myself as I entered high school and then even more so during college. And between my 20-30s, I've really grown into my own skin. I think it is definitely a lifelong process, as we are constantly adapting to our life changes. And being a parent has really made me examine myself and my beliefs. The person I have found is not nearly as conservative as I would have imagined myself. And most people see me as a hippie, and I'm okay with it. I guess I've kind of embraced it. It works for me. It feels right. I certainly never imagined myself having 3 children within 5ish years, loving a good beer and living in East Ridge.

What makes me happy is being with people I love. Treating people with the dignity and respect they deserve. I love meeting new people and learning about them. And I have been gifted with the ability to listen. So much so, that I majored in psychology in college. I didn't do anything with it for a career but it is very obviously a gift of mine. Complete strangers in Wal-Mart will tell me their life stories. It doesn't phase me. I just know it is what I'm supposed to do. Chris sees me getting "stuck" listening to people and just smiles, because I'm not getting "stuck". God put me in that person's day because they needed to talk.

So a friend told me about this application that allows you to read your old Facebook posts without scrolling for hours on your own page. After looking through it, I remembered what a dark place I was in and I'm so thankful I'm out of it. It was very hard on me when I lost my father. It is not easy for most people. It really took me a long time to find my happiness. He has been gone for almost 2 years. Part of me feels like that is why we were blessed with Sam. He arrived 5 days before the one year anniversary of Daddy's death. He came at such a sad time in our lives and showed me that it was okay to be happy again. And he is just a happy little dude. It is kind of like God's way of showing me the daily miracles that make life special, and worth getting out of bed for. God knew exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. And honestly, adding Sam to our family hasn't been easy. We were financially not in a great place for a new addition. Our house is too small for our family by materialistic standards. But we are happy and we make it work. And God provides everything we need.

So over the past several months, I've been allowing God to heal my hurt. I'm starting to see life in everything again. I'm starting to appreciate the small things. I am a very blessed person. And one of the big things that has been missing from my life is my creative inspiration. I'm starting to feel inspired again because I feel alive again on the inside. In fact, I have yarn waiting to be dyed this week. When I'm happy, I love to create things. When I'm happy, I listen to music and let it fill my soul. When I'm happy, my children don't annoy me. When I'm happy, I'm forgiving of my husband. When I'm happy, I just love to love. Thank you Jesus for restoring my Joy. And thanks for my smile, which can brighten someone's day.

Sisters

2011-08-24T00:10:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed with 3 older sisters. They are quite a bit older than me. I was clearly the "oops" baby. It varies from almost 13 years to almost 16 years. I actually have nieces and nephews closer to my age. It has honestly been like having 3 additional moms sometimes, especially when I was younger. I am so incredibly thankful for each one of them and what they bring to my life. I love them all for the unique qualities they bring to our family. Despite the age difference, I've always been close to them. And the way we all came together when Daddy was sick was amazing. I cannot begin to explain the support system we had in each other.

So, to my dears sisters, if you are reading this - I love you. I am thankful for you. Having so many girls in one family has been an adventure. I'm so glad that we are family. We may get angry at each other, but our sisterly bond will always be stronger than any disagreement we may have. And even though you should know this, I am always here for you, whatever you need, even if I am the baby.

Out of the mouths of babes

2011-08-20T23:40:00.000-04:00

Most of these are from Harrison - probably because he never stops talking. I'm going to try to update these regularly.

Harrison:
"Mom, just get rid of all of my underwear. I don't like wearing it."
"I really wish I was a brown person."
"Hey guys. You listen to God. I'm not a good listener so I never hear Him."
"Kadie. No.no.no. When you grow up and you are six, you will understand that."
"Kadie, no. Church is to learn about God. It is not a hotel."

Kadie:
"Mom, will you lick my hand?" (to remove ketchup)

Now that Harrison is back in school, I will probably have more from Kadie next time.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

2011-08-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

There have been several things constantly in my mind for the past two weeks. I'm reading two different books that are unrelated, yet both compelling the same changes. I mentioned Chasing Daylight already and the other book is The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. I am really enjoying both books but they are also making me uncomfortable as I feel they have really challenged me. They have challenged me to really come out of my bubble of Christianity.

Some cool concepts that have come out of these books for me, is that I'm praying daily for opportunities to be able to do something for others in Christian love. I'm trying to be very sensitive and aware so that I can be receptive to these moments and not miss any opportunities. I'm also really trying to see the small miracles in my daily somewhat mundane life. Every day I am given is a miracle and I feel it is to be celebrated and cherished.

Risk and moving out of my comfort zone is what I'm dealing with right now. I'm not sure where it is taking me. I'm trying not to be invisible. A great quote from Chasing Daylight that I must share is :
"The most important decisions of our lives will require us to forsake invisibility and risk becoming visible.
Whenever you choose to seize divine moments, you move from invisibility to visibility."

I am generally the type of person that likes to be invisible. I really feel that God is calling me out of my comfort zone to become more visible and I must say that I am finally ready for it. I am praying daily for my opportunities and praying to have an open heart to be willing to take the risk, even if it means failing. Because living is failing and succeeding and I'm ready to do both. Bring it on!

Randomness

2011-08-18T01:15:00.000-04:00

Nothing inspirational tonight. Just random thoughts going through my head.

Sleep is overrated. In all seriousness, I hate that I can't sleep. It has a.l.w.a.y.s. been an issue for me. In fact, I cannot nap unless I'm pregnant. I'm a weirdo. I cannot turn off my brain.

I really wish there was a word to replace the "F" word. One of my major fails is my mouth. I have gotten soooooo much better since having children. Harrison started a list on the fridge so he can keep track of our bad words. Of course, bad words in our house are "butt, stupid, dumb". Sometimes, there is just no word that replaces the "F" word. I hate that. Major FAIL. Along those lines, I once read an article/study that said there aren't actually enough words in written vocabulary that can express what a woman is feeling. I can totally relate. I often struggle with the right words to describe what I'm feeling. I also read the dictionary for fun. I never said I was cool.

My "go to" music is the Indigo Girls. Belting the IG at the top of my lungs is just therapeutic. Patty Griffin is a close second. Something about twangy and folksy chicks singing their a@$es off while playing the hell out of their guitars is just plain ol' therapeutic. And both of the aforementioned groups/singers sound just as AWESOME live as they do on CDs/radio.

I'm on an absolute spiritual high this week. I cannot explain it. I feel as if the things that God has been trying to get through my incredibly thick skull for years is finally sticking. I'm 34 and finally sorta kinda getting it. Amazing. Absolutely amazing what can happen if you finally let go of yourself and let Jesus shine through. I love that Jesus still loves me if I say the "F" word or if I have baby snot on my shirt. I love what happens when you say, "I'm yours. Use me. Put me where you want me. I know you got my back. We're cool like that."

I love the word "dude". I had a dog named Dude when I was a child, so this has been a long love affair with the word.

That was a glimpse of about 5 minutes in my brain. It is a strange place to be sometimes.

Great things

2011-08-16T00:07:00.000-04:00

You know how big things start? From small things. Some of my favorite examples (and you know breastfeeding is going to be one of them) include - Le Leche League. It was founded by 7 mothers in Illinois in 1956. They just wanted to help and support other mothers. LLL now helps women in 60 countries. I'm pretty sure the moms that began LLL had no idea it would become an international form of support. When Blake Mycoskie wanted to donate a pair of shoes to a person in need with every pair of TOMS sold, I'm sure he had no idea that over a millions shoes would be donated worldwide. When Dave Ramsey set out to help families get out of debt, I'm sure he had no idea he would be a nationally syndicated radio host. He now employs over 300 people in a debt free company and has helped countless families reach financial freedom.

All of these people had a mission. They had a passion. They believed in something enough to make it happen and became something great. Something they never imagined. They took a gift and used it. What if we all took our gifts and pursued it to the point of greatness? It doesn't mean we will all own multi-million dollar companies or have an international support group. But it does mean that greater things can happen.

"From small beginnings come great things." American proverb

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." Lao Tzu

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." Anatole Frances

Honestly, I haven't really discovered what my small beginning is yet. But I'm prayerfully seeking it and asking God's blessing upon it. What is your small beginning? Where are you in this journey?

Influence

2011-08-14T22:44:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a class around the book "Chasing Daylight" by Erwin McManus. Our latest discussion was influence. It has really got me thinking. There are some obvious people that we influence - like our spouses, children or best friends. Then there are the not so obvious - like coworkers that you may not know well, young people at your church, internet buddies...the list could go on for days.

So, as I sit here and really process this in my overly analytical brain, I really want to make sure my influence is one of purpose. I can't help but wonder how many opportunities I missed to be a positive influence on someone because I let Alicia get in the way. So, over the past 2 days, I've really been thinking about what type of influence I'd like to be.

First and foremost, I want to be a Christian influence. I want people to see that Jesus is the reason I get up in the morning. He is my joy and my strength. I want to reflect the Jesus that was loving to hookers and homeless people. I want to my life to have some meaning to it. I want to live out the love that God has shown to me. Sometimes, as a stay at home mom, I feel that there isn't much I can do to show these things. Obviously, I can be this type of influence on my family and I pray that I am, and continue to get better at it. Interestingly enough, several things have popped up over the past few days and I hope I was able to show those people that Jesus is in my heart loving them, through me.

Beyond my Christian influence, I definitely have topics that I feel passionately. Most people that spend any length of time with me, know what these are. I'm pro breastfeeding, pro natural birth/VBAC, natural living, natural parenting, and an intactivist. I also feel strongly about human rights. I try to attend as many LeLeche and ICAN meetings as possible. For the most part, I suppose my influence with these subjects is through my daily life and conversations.

Something else that weighs heavily on me lately, is that I should let the mistakes of my past help me influence younger people to not do the same stupid things. It seems as if all the those things are in vain if I can't use them to help someone else. Maybe all of the bad choices I made could help someone else avoid the pain and heartache?

And one really cool thing that I love about God. He places the right people in our lives at the right time. We just have to be open to seeing them. And I may be that person in your life that needs to influence you. Or you may be that person in my life that influences me. Or perhaps it is mutual?

I have seen so many examples of influential people. My husband teaches high school and that is seriously just one big bucket of opportunity to shine a light into someone's life. My daughter has a young lady that she just adores and wants to be just like her. My oldest son has such a tremendous influence and both of my younger children. Some of my closest and dearest friends influence me with words of wisdom.

I challenge anyone who reads this, to really think about whom you might influence. What do they see when they see you? Are you proud of what they see? Or are you ashamed? Be mindful of it because someone is watching you.

Um...yeah

2011-07-19T00:31:00.000-04:00

So admittedly, I'm a blogging failure. I have all of these great things I want to write about and it just never happens. I guess that is life with 3 kids. I guess I will start here...

Harrison is 6 years old. He will be starting first grade in August. He is so intelligent and such a cool little dude. We deal with some attitude issues but other than that, things are good. He loves to argue though. He will argue with a fly on the wall. He lost 2 more teeth this summer. So far, 4 bottom teeth are gone. He has one on top that is very wiggly. I suspect it will be gone soon. Right now, he wants to be a race car driver (thanks Cars 2). He reads well and still memorizes things. He is tall and lanky and lately has been eating like a horse.

Kadie Pearl is 3 years old. She is a whirlwind. She is as sweet as she is mean (which she inherits from me 100%). There is absolutely no in between with this girl. She is all about playing dress up and her princesses. She is sooo girly. She loves to have her nails painted and dresses. When she is in her sweet mood, she will just hug and love on you. She sings and hums and is just kind of in her own world. She is a smart one too. She doesn't miss a thing and is reminding me so much of Harrison at this age. When she is in a mean mood, she will squint her eyes and furrow her brows. It is actually quite comical. But sweet Kadie.,...oh, it is heavenly.

Sam is 9 months old. Sam just makes me smile. He is the sweetest and most laid back little baby. He gets into E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. and puts everything in his mouth. His pincer grasp is out of this world. I suspect he is going to be my early walker. He is just funny. He is so incredibly tolerant of his older siblings. He loves to nurse and eat. He wants to keep up with H & K. When he is about to get into something, he starts crawling and cackling and enters "Baby Stealth Mode". This boy is going to keep me on my toes. I'm so thankful for him.

Chris is still teaching and has been working at our church a little this summer, which makes him happy. He is desperately trying to get our front lawn to grow grass and has been doing some handyman projects in our house, which makes me happy. He has grown a beard too...yeah, he is proud of it.

I had my hair whacked off in the spring and sent it to Locks of Love to be donated. I also just got hired for a company called Leapforce. I can work from home and set my hours. I'm hoping it can help out our family. I haven't been doing much in the creative realm lately because I have been uninspired and busy. I hope to dye some things soon but who knows. I'm starting the process of becoming a Le Leche leader. I'm pretty stoked about that. I'm so passionate about breastfeeding.

I can't help but think big things are on the horizon for us. I felt that way in January and still feel that way. I am pretty intuitive but I have no idea what those big things might be. Lately, I have felt very open to moving and changing things completely. That doesn't necessarily mean that we will be relocating, but it does make me wonder.

And lastly....the transition from 2-3 kids actually was not hard for me. I expected chaos and that is what it is. However, it is just so busy. I feel like I'm always taking someone to school or an activity/play date. I think things need to calm down for my sanity. I have a hard time keeping up with the house because of our crazy schedule. I'm praying we will be able to move next year because we are cramped. All 3 of our kids are in the same room (well Sam is still technically in our room). Harrison's old room is the playroom. We'd love a house with one extra bedroom but are just trying to be thankful for what we have right now.

I'm going to try to blog regularly again but there are no promises.

Hero Day

2011-02-10T00:02:00.000-05:00

Over the past month, Harrison’s school has been doing a Box Top for Education fundraiser. If your child brings 5 box tops to school each week, he can dress up on Friday’s theme day. This past Friday was Hero Day. Initially Harrison wanted to be a Tron guy. Um, sorry dude. Mama’s not that crafty. Then he chose Batman. I tried to convince him to be a real person, but when a five year old boy hears the word “hero” , he thinks Superhero. Ok. Whatever. Be a superhero. We have all of the stuff to dress like Batman. Well, Thursday night at 9pm, long after Harrison had drifted to sleep, I get an email from his school clarifying appropriate hero attire. My first instinct was correct. Batman wasn’t really what the school had in mind. Oh, boy. Breaking this news to him Friday morning should be awesome. Especially since his Batman costume is laying out and will be staring him in the face. The following morning his Daddy broke the news to him -and he was not a happy camper. At first he opted not to dress up but at the last minute changed his mind. He decided to be his Pops. I scrambled together a last minute costume consisting of jeans, ball cap, and a long sleeve polo. Perfect. He was proud. He talked about how Pops was a hero because he fed him oatmeal, taught him to drive a tractor and caught fish for us. Pops and Harrison were best buddies. What an appropriate choice for a hero. It made me proud.

This got me thinking about my real life hero. The man known as “Pops” to my children was my Daddy. And he is my real life hero. When I think of my Daddy, I always think of his arms. Strong, tan arms. He always wore a golf shirt and always worked outside when it was warm. So he had a typical farmer’s tan. And he was very tan. His arms were so strong because he was constantly working on our farm. He was an accountant by trade and a hobby farmer by heart. I remember as a little girl, probably Kadie’s age, swinging from his strong, tan arms - like they were monkey bars. I remember those strong, tan arms scooping me into a giant bear hug and holding me tight. I vividly remember his strong, tan arms holding my bike steady when I was trying to ditch the training wheels. I can remember clutching his strong, tan arm on my wedding day, as he walked me down the aisle to give me to Chris. And even in his last months in the hospital, he still had those strong, tan arms. On the days he couldn’t wake up, I would just rub his arms. I can’t explain it but those strong, tan arms always gave me this overwhelming sense of peace and protection. His arms protected and guided me for as long as I can remember. And even in his last days, when his arms started looking frail and fair, just touching his arms made me feel like everything would be okay. As strange as it may seem, one of the things I miss most about my daddy is his arms. My world is just not the same without his strong, tan arms.

Guilty pleasures

2011-01-29T12:18:00.000-05:00

Here are a list of my guilty pleasures, in no particular order:

Patterned wool socks
Fluffy mail (cloth diapers, for those who have no clue what that means)
Law & Order SVU
Grey's Anatomy
Coca Cola
Facebook games - although I'm really trying to limit them since they suck away too much time
Car rides by myself
Really chocolate-y ice cream with chocolate syrup on it

What are some of yours?

The Birth of Samuel Ryan Holbrook

2011-01-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

Well my last real post is a letter to Sam when I was 37 weeks pregnant. This is bittersweet but it has to be done.

On Monday October 11th I felt icky all day. I felt crampy and tired. But honestly, being one day away from my due date and knowing I don’t have babies early or remotely close to my due date, I chalked it up to late pregnancy ickiness. I went to the chiropractor that evening and went through the normal night routine. Around 9 or so that evening I felt compelled to scrub our bathtub with a magic eraser. I went to bed and woke up Tuesday morning sometime between 2-2:30 am I woke up feeling like I just peed on myself so I got up and went to the bathroom. However, I was so out of it I just went back to bed. Then I woke up again around 3 am because I felt the fluid coming out of me. I stood up and felt it coming down my legs. I told Chris to wake up because I thought my water was breaking. Well at this point we were pretty certain it was my water, so I called my midwife to let her know. She agreed that it was my water, and told me make sure I felt the baby moving and go back to sleep because I would need the rest. So it took nearly an hour to get Jelly Bean to cooperate but he finally started moving so I went back bed. Of course I couldn’t sleep a wink because I couldn’t turn my mind off. So Chris went ahead and got a substitute for his class that day. Then we got up around 6:00am to get Harrison ready for school. Chris took Harrison to school while I stayed home with Kadie and got her ready for MDO. I tried to get some rest while he took her to MDO but still couldn’t sleep. We made arrangements for both of our kids to stay with grandparents so I could focus on laboring. My midwife came over around noon to check the baby’s heart beat. I still wasn’t really contracting regularly but just feeling really crampy. The baby’s heartbeat was great and all of my vital signs were perfect. We decided that if by the evening I was having stronger I would start an herbal tincture to strengthen my contractions. Chris and I went on a walk before dinner, which picked things up a bit but they still weren’t strong. Well by 6:30 pm, I started the herbs combined with nipple stimulation and was in bed by 10:30 that night. I slept pretty well that night. Not as long as I would have liked but it was much better than the night before. When I got up for the day around 7am, my contractions were still only every 20ish minutes apart and they weren’t strong. So after talking to my midwife around 7:30 we decided to do a second round of the herbal tincture with castor oil (yuck) and nipple stimulation with lots of walking. So my midwife came back over around noon and checked on me and the baby again - everything was good. At this point my contractions were about every 15 minutes apart. We sat down and had lunch and my contractions starting getting closer together - probably every 5 minutes. She wanted me to go for a CBC test to make sure I wasn’t getting an infection (precautionary since my water had been broken over 24 hours), so we headed back to her house after lunch (less than 5 minutes away) to get the lab order. She also told me to consider acupuncture to help keep my contractions consistent, so we called an acupuncturist and set something up for the afternoon. On the way to the hospital lab I started having intense contractions that were coming every 4 minutes. We got to the hospital lab and they told me it was going to be an hour wait. I explained to the lady that I was in labor and how often I was contracting and she told me they would do what they could but I needed to be patient. Chris called my midwife and told her - she told us to leave and go home and she would come by to check me. So we headed back home. She checked us and everything was still good and I had my first internal exam. I was like 70 percent effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. So we decided to proceed with the acupuncture session. During the course of the day I think I took a dozen showers too since I couldn‘t soak in the bath tub. At one point, during one of my showers I had a bad feeling and felt like I would end up having a c-section. I figured it was me second guessing myself because the contractions were so strong, so I dismissed the thought. The acupuncturist showed up around 4 and worked with me for at least a half an hour. It really helped pick the contractions up again because they had slowed down yet again. She said she’d come back later if we needed it. My midwife came by around 5 to check on us again. We were still doing fine and I was about 90 percent effaced and almost 3 centimeters dilated. She was going to dinner with friends and said she’d be back after dinner to see how things were coming along. My mom, sister and Kadie came by with dinner and to visit. During dinner I had contractions but they weren’t horrible. We visited with them for about an hour and then they took Kadie back home. The acupuncturist came around 7 and did another round. At this point my contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes and were lasting anywhere from 45-60 seconds. I kept pacing the floor and breathing through them. They weren’t horrible but they were fast. I was able to breathe and walk through them. My midwife came back by around 8ish with her midwife friend that was in town visiting. She did the usual BP check and pulled out her Doppler to check Jelly Bean’s heartbeat. When she listened this time, it stopped beating after the contraction. She asked the other midwife…did you hear that? She had me change positions and it happened again. She had me lay on my side and this time the heartbeat disappeared completely and we could not get it.

I should back track a little bit. Over the course of my relationship with my midwife, I built a trust with her. She explained to me that during my labor, if Jelly Bean wasn’t happy she would just tell me he wasn’t happy and we’d try something different. She has very few hospital transports and doesn’t take them lightly so she said, in the event that we need to transport, she would just tell us we need to transport and we needed to go.

So at that time, she said, it is time to go to the hospital. Let’s go now. Well I didn’t have panties or shoes on so I scrambled to get them on. Meanwhile, she is saying to get out of the house now. We need to go. It was raining pretty hard. I’m terrified because at the last check, my baby’s heart was not beating at all. That 3 minute drive to the hospital seemed like an eternity. I don’t even remember what Chris and I talked about. I think we talked about Jelly Bean being dead. And I remember trying really hard to feel him move. He dropped me off at the door so he could park the car. My midwife and her friend walked in with me. We walked straight to labor and delivery. She explained to them what was going on. They were so confused. They couldn’t understand why I hadn’t pre-registered or why I didn’t have an OB or why my water had been broken for nearly 36 hours. So she explained that we needed to get a monitor on quickly so they rush me into a triage room to get a monitor on. I was relieved to hear Jelly Bean’s heartbeat. It was music to my ears. But after every contraction it would completely flat line for what seemed like an eternity. My contractions were still coming about every 2 minutes. Jelly Bean’s heart would stop for close to a minute after each contraction was over. They finally turned the volume down on the monitor because it was just upsetting. When they checked me I was still around 3 cm. Chris got into the room at some point. Again, this part is all really blurry. The nurse that admitted us was pretty ugly to me. I don’t remember everything she said, but basically trying to belittle me for not having an OB or a back up plan. I explained to her that my back up plan was the hospital and my back up OB was to use the on call OB. She told me they didn’t have an on call OB and I would get a hospitalist. Then she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her at this point I didn’t realize it was an option. I told her if my baby could be born safely and vaginally I would opt for that, but I figured it would be a c-section. She left and told me to discuss things with my husband and make a decision. My midwife was in the room with us and I asked her what she would do…she said she was surprised they gave me an option, but that she felt a c-section was necessary to get the baby out. She said I wasn’t far enough in labor to push him out in a hurry. My husband and I agreed and felt this was the best option. A charge nurse comes in and talks to me but I don’t remember the conversation. The mean nurse comes back and says the on call OB will be coming in and I’m getting a c-section. So the anesthesiologist comes in shortly and tells me if possible he will do a spinal but it may be general anesthesia. Then the OB, Dr. Radpour comes in to meet me. He tells the anesthesiologist that if he can get me numb in less than 5 minutes, I can have the spinal. At this point, everything is really blurry. They put the catheter in before I was numb, which really hurt. They rushed me to the OR got me on the table in a hurry. At this point my contractions were really really strong and close together. I had to be still for the spinal and it was so hard and it hurt so bad. Everything went so fast. Chris got to come in once I was numb and laying down. As soon as he knew I was numb he started cutting. I was soo scared. We had no idea what to expect since his heart has stopped beating so much. We didn’t know if he’d be brain damaged or even alive at this point. With my previous 2 c-sections, I don’t remember feeling any pulling or tugging…well maybe really light tugging but I felt lots of pressure and tugging this time…maybe because I wasn’t as numb. Anyway, they got him out fast. They exclaimed that he was a boy and that he was really small. They question me about my last period and if I’m sure about my due date. They said his cord was pretty thin and it was bunched up under his neck. He was crying which was music to my ears to have an alive baby after this huge scare. His apgars were 8 & 9, I believe. He weighed 5 lbs and 15 ounces, over 4 lbs less than Harrison or Kadie. He was 20 inches long. He was born around 9:30pm. Once he was bundled, Chris brought him to me. He was sooo tiny. They got to stay in the room with me for a while and then Chris took him to the nursery. I was supposed to get him in the recovery room to breastfeed him, but evidentially it was a hectic night in the labor and delivery unit and nursery and there were a couple of emergency c-sections, so I didn’t get him. The nurse that watched me in recovery was very sweet and respectful of me and didn’t treat me like a leper for having an attempted homebirth. I finally got taken to our room after about 2 hours. It was nearly 5 hours before I got my sweet tiny little Samuel. I just cried when I held him. He was so tiny and perfect and he was alive. He nursed like a champ from the start. Despite, the scare, he was perfectly healthy and just really small.

Would I attempt a homebirth again? Yes, I would. Do I think homebirths are safe? Yes, I do. I’m really still not a peace about his birth. I really felt like this was going to be the natural birth I dreamed about. There are days I feel betrayed. I still question God. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I just have one birth the way I wanted? I know there must be some reason for it, I just haven’t figured it out yet.

In labor with Sam before the hospital transport.

More is coming....

2011-01-25T08:27:00.000-05:00

I realize I haven't blogged since September and that I haven't shared Sam's birth story. Much is in store for this blog. I have millions of thoughts and stories running through my head. I'm making a deal that I will make time to blog at least once a week. First on the plate, Sam's birth story. I promise, I will have it up this week. It is very emotional for me so I've delayed posting it. But this mama has lots of ideas and hopefully ones that will keep my blog fun and entertaining and also soul cleansing (for myself).

Dear Jelly Bean

2010-09-22T11:16:00.000-04:00

Hi little jelly bean. I must say, my pregnancy with you has gone by rather quickly. It seems like just yesterday I found out about your existence. And here I sit today, 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant. You are officially "full term" and can be born safely at home. Definitely a relief, although I've never had a baby early. Sometimes I feel as if I haven't bonded with you as much as I did the other two babies during pregnancy. Maybe it is because I'm so busy taking care of your two siblings, I just don't have time to think about being pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if it is because we didn't find out your gender and name you prior to your entrance to the world. Honestly, I don't know. But I am nonetheless very excited about you and I want you to know how much I love you. I have a lot of emotions right now. You see, you were conceived during a very sad time for Mommy - just 3 months after my Daddy passed away. I was still very much grieving and feel like I've spent a big portion of this pregnancy grieving. But I want you to know, that I don't love you any less because of it. In fact, you are "due" just 6 days before your Pops passed away. So in a weird kind of way, I feel like even though we lost a precious life last October, we are getting the gift of a new life. So whether you are born today, or two weeks after your "due" date, it is going to be bittersweet.

Another thing I want you to know. I knew I always wanted you. Sure, my timing would have been different, but you were created in God's perfect timing. I would talk about you often with your Daddy. He just wasn't sure because he thought that I wanted a normal vaginal birth so badly that it was clouding my judgment on whether or not we should have another baby. But you were conceived, which was a huge surprise. I feel like God is giving me the chance to have the birth I want with you. From the moment I knew about you, I started planning a home birth. Your big brother and sister were born by c-section, which made me very sad. I feel like there has always been a missing link. I have experienced the miracle of of conception and pregnancy and all the ups and downs that go with it. I've experienced being able to nourish my babies from my body. But I've never been able to experience the joy of bringing forth a miraculous baby the way it was designed. I'm thankful for medical technology and that there is the option for c-sections for mommies and babies that need them but I know we don't need that. My pregnancy with you has been absolutely perfect and we are in great health, so we are good to go. I want you to know that I'm going to savor every minute of my labor with you because I know it is a special gift from God. I know that may sound crazy, but I feel like it will bring me closer to my Creator and appreciate you even more. And I commit to you, that you are allowed to pick your birthday. You will not be "evicted". When you are ready to be born, I'm ready to birth you. Perfectly, safely and into loving arms. I will try my best not to grow impatient and just enjoy our special time together before I have to share you with the world.

Love,
Mommy

Updates on the Holbrook Family

2010-09-09T08:58:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't blogged in quite sometime...I will start with some updates.

Harrison - He lost his first tooth on July 30th (bottom right) and the next tooth on August 3rd (bottom left). He was a little upset when he lost his first tooth - he was with my sister Debbie and he freaked out on her. By the time he lost the second tooth, he just giggled. He started Kindergarten in August. He had two phase-in days and then started full time on August 24th. He has had a couple of rough days but all in all is doing very well. They are graded daily with colors (purple=rockstar, green=pretty good, yellow=needed quite a bit of direction, red=in trouble a lot). He has gotten almost all purple and one yellow and one red. His main problem is that he HATES to color so when he has a bad day at school, it usually has something to do with coloring. And considering that coloring is such a HUGE part of Kindergarten...well it has been a struggle. He has has already been to the doctor. We went almost 3 years with no sick visits or antibiotics. He had a little bit of a cold that turned into an ear infection. We were at the doctor's office on September 2nd with a double ear infection and possible hole in his eardrum and a mild case of impetigo. So now we are currently doing a round of antibiotics, antihistamine, ear drops and cream for his impetigo. He will play his first soccer game on September 11th. He is super excited...more so about the uniform. He is now in the Children's Choir at church, which he seems to enjoy. He came very close to learning to swim this summer but not quite there yet. Sadly, I can't remember his height. We had a check up in May and he was around 43 inches tall but I know he has grown. He is skinny - he lost from 42 lbs to 40 lbs over the summer. He is wearing 5/5 slims. He was 70-90th percentile on height at his check up. He is very excited about being a big brother again. I'm not too worried about how he will adjust. He adores his new baby cousin so I think 5 is a great age for a new sibling. And he is used to sharing the spotlight now, so this is old hat.

Kadie - She has made leaps and bounds over the summer with everything. I think it is safe to say we are 100% potty trained. She had been doing very well anyway but I was lazy and kept her in diapers for my convenience when we were out and about. But she was still using the potty 90% of the time. Just over the past two weeks, she is staying dry during naps/bedtime. She wore panties to bed last night and woke up completely dry. So hopefully we are ditching diapers! We had switched to using disposables over the summer because she wasn't using that many diapers and I couldn't justify washing 1-2 diapers a day and her pee is too strong to let them sit for a few days, so I'm even more glad about that. Hopefully she won't regress when the new baby comes. She stopped nursing around 26 months. She was nursing pretty infrequently anyway because my milk was drying up with pregnancy and she finally just stopped. She has asked twice in the past few weeks but there is nothing there. I'm anxious to see how she does when the new baby is nursing. She went from a small vocabulary to carrying on conversations. She still isn't 100% clear and has some made-up words but for the most part is rocking the big girl words. She also went from showing no interest in her ABC's, colors, numbers, etc to being obsessed. She knows her alphabet and can recognize at least 95% of uppercase/lowercase letters, counts to 10 unassisted, knows several colors and shapes and loves to sing. She is still very free spirited and easy going but her temper is definitely on the opposite end of that spectrum. She started going to Mother's Day Out at our church in August and she loves it. The only problem is that she refuses to nap and Kadie with no nap = mean Kadie at home. She loves the social aspect though and looks forward to it every week. It has been an adjustment for her with Harrison being gone during the day. She is definitely more high maintenance than usual. We have also had to adapt to an earlier nap time so she is awake in time to pick him up from school. All in all, life is good with Kadie Pearl.

Chris - He quit his job at Precept in July. He started up a media/production company with his friend and ex-coworker in July as well. He is teaching full-time at Soddy Daisy High School as a media teacher. Definitely a lot of changes for him! Teaching seems to be going well. He definitely likes the teaching schedule. The new business (Starving Lion Media) is looking promising. They have done several projects to get their name out there and have a a couple of "real jobs" in place or in the works. It was definitely a leap of faith for him/us to give up the two incomes while we wait to see if the new business flourishes, but we feel like this is where God wants him to go. It seemed like all the right doors opened at the right time. But definitely keep us in your prayers. He has lots of ideas for the business and is constantly brainstorming. I'm very proud of him.

Me/Baby Jelly Bean - Well, I'm 35 weeks pregnant now. Really nothing exciting about me. Things are mostly the same. Well I've been insanely busy and feel like I have no time to do anything. I thought I'd have more time for the house once Harrison started school but so far, is not the case. This pregnancy has been the best out of the three. My BP is perfect, weight gain at 34 weeks was 8 lbs, and I feel pretty good for the most part. We took a 6 week Hypnobabies class (to help relax during labor). The baby was transverse but finally decided to flip around 33 weeks (I did lots of diving, headstands in the pool, inversions and Webster technique with the chiropractor). An ultrasound at 34 weeks showed the baby to be vertex. That was our first ultrasound so it was kind of nice to get a peek. The baby looked healthy and normal and has the prominent wide cheek bones that I pass on to my children. Otherwise, I'm sure it looks just like Harrison and Kadie. I'm not measuring big anywhere, so I'm really hoping to have a 8-9 lb baby as opposed to my usual 10 lbers. Right now I'm starting to hit my nesting mode and trying to get things ready for the home birth. We just did a pretty big house purge but still need to get rid of some more things. I still have lots of unfinished projects for the baby, so I'm hoping inspiration will hit....soon! I'm totally okay if the baby makes a late appearance because I just don't feel ready yet. The end of this pregnancy just sneaked up on me.

I think that is pretty much it. I'm going to try to blog a few times a week. I miss updating my blog but just haven't had the time to devote to it. Normally I blog late at night and I've been going to bed pretty early lately. I'll try to put some pictures up here later but it is now time to take Kadie to MDO. Peace out!

Birthing Jelly Bean #3

2010-05-13T00:44:00.000-04:00

So, for those of you who do not know, we are planning a home birth with our next baby.

You might be thinking - didn't you have caesarean's with Harrison and Kadie? Are you allowed to do that? Aren't you afraid something bad is going to happen? What if something happens to you? What if something happens to the baby? Won't you want an epidural? Why would you want to birth at home when you can birth at a hospital?

Generally when I tell most people we are having a home birth, the advice, warnings, etc, start rolling in. Usually unwanted and bad advice. I must say, it is extremely irritating that everyone has an opinion on birth whether they've given birth or not. And everyone has an opinion on home birth whether they have researched it or not. So let me just say, I am a research queen. I would not to anything to jeopardize my baby or myself. I am 100% comfortable with a home birth and quite frankly, looking forward to it. What most people don't realize is that birth is normal. A woman's body knows how to give birth. Modern medicine interferes with the process. Interventions (pitocin induction, epidurals, artificial rupture of membranes -to name a few) generally cause the problems. If doctors would let women go into labor on their own and let their bodies do what we were meant to do, the caesarean rate would drop tremendously.

Ok, off my soapbox.

So, what led me to this decision. Well, I was planning a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) with Kadie. I started planning my VBAC before I was even pregnant with her. My OB was on board. There was no medical reason for my c-section with Kadie. I was 10 days past my "due date" and my OB didn't want me to go any longer. So I reluctantly scheduled the c-section and prayed I would go into labor before hand. As I was laying in the operating room, my OB told me that if we had another baby, he would do a c-section.

So when we got the surprise of a third baby, I knew in my heart the only way I could have a normal vaginal delivery was to plan a home birth. Thankfully, I found a midwife who is right down the street from me who was willing to trust my body's ability to have a baby. And for those of you who are concerned, we are literally less than 5 minutes away from Park Ridge East hospital. My midwife is trained to recognize a problem before it happens and very very rarely has a hospital transport. And even with my 2 previous c-sections, my chance of uterine rupture is still less than 1 percent. And just for the record, uterine ruptures can occur in women who have never even given birth or had a previous c-section.

I have researched this subject quite a bit and continue to research it throughout this pregnancy. I am very comfortable with this decision. For some moms, a repeat c-section is the only choice to consider. I am not that mom. There is nothing wrong with that mom. I personally do not like having surgery. I think the risks of a c-section/repeat c-section are greater than that of a VBAC. These risks are: infection in uterus or nearby organs, increased blood loss, decreased bowel function, complications from anesthesia, longer hospital stay/recovery, risks of additional surgeries (hysterectomy, bladder repair), blood clots, breathing problems with infant, lower apgar scores, and fetal injury. With my last c-section, I got an infection in my incision site and it popped open. It is nearly impossible to adhere to the restrictions given when you already have an active toddler at home.

I do realize I could possibly end up with another c-section. If there is truly a medical reason warranted, I'm okay with it. I just want to do everything in my power to have a normal birth and give my baby a peaceful birthing experience. At this point in time (18 weeks into my current pregnancy) everything is perfectly normal and healthy.

.

Waiting

2010-03-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. I have also enjoyed watching it. After my Daddy passed away, I had a hard time watching it. I think my emotions were too raw at the time. But lately it really hasn't been a big deal. So, I'm watching it and it shows a girl who is waiting for her brother during a risky surgery and it brought back so many memories.

I can remember waiting for his first surgery. The one that started the whole long process. It was July 23rd. I can remember sitting with Daddy prior to the surgery in the waiting room. We were all taking and trying to make things light. We were worried and he admitted that he was nervous. The surgery was several hours long and it felt like an eternity. I will never forget the feelings of relief seeing his surgeon walk out into the waiting room. We thought everything was okay. We thought we had gotten past the hurdle.

Fast forward about two weeks. He got really ill and was readmitted to ICU. After several days he had another surgery. I honestly can't even remember how many surgeries he had between August 11th and October 18th. I think around a dozen. Anyway, I can remember the feeling of dread and nervousness before each surgery. Sitting in the waiting room waiting for the hourly phone calls to update us on his progress. Watching his surgeon walk into the waiting room and trying to read the expression on his face...was it a relieved look or a look of dismay? What news did he bring us? There were several surgeries that did not go well and we waited for the next critical 24 hours. I would go home and sit up all night glued to my phone. I was the first point of contact since I lived closest to the hospital.

So many emotions go on while you are waiting for a loved one to come out surgery. Will you see them again? Will this be the last surgery? Will the post operative complications be severe?

I remember the last night of waiting like it was yesterday. We knew his hours were numbered. We knew no more extreme measures would be taken to save his life. Daddy was ready. He was tired. There were several times we almost came to it but then some nurse would pump him full of some medication that would prolong his life a few more hours. As I stood there, holding my father's hand watching him drift in and out of consciousness, I wondered if this was the moment? Would this be his last breath? Is he suffering? Does he know that I'm here? Does he feel alone? Is he comfortable? Does he feel peaceful? We were literally waiting for him to die. Those were the most agonizing hours of waiting I've ever lived through.

Negativity = Annoying..instead of being a Negative Nelly, why don't you put that energy somewhere useful?

2010-02-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

So it has been weeks since I have blogged. I just haven't felt well lately and certainly not in a writing mood. But today I have something weighing heavy on my heart and need to get it off my chest.

I just finished getting our dinner in the crock pot and getting Kadie down for her nap. I'm sitting here thinking how thankful I am that Kadie is napping again and how thankful I am that we have food to eat. I decide to check facebook and I am bombarded with negativity. Now, I do update my status with things that are not positive. I'm sure we all do it but when I read status updates of over 200 people and hardly any of them have anything good to say, I start to get irritated. Really, your life is that bad?

Did you get out of a bed this morning? A bed that is covered by a roof? Oh wow, you did? You are more fortunate than over half a million people in the United States.

Did you eat breakfast, lunch. or a snack today? Have you eaten anything at all? Chances are some of you reading this dined at a restaurant today. Maybe even drove by Starbucks. Perhaps you packed your lunch or ate leftovers. One out of every six Americans will go to bed hungry tonight. Are you one of them? Did you know that every day nearly 25,000 people die because of hunger or hunger related causes? Instead of griping about your bad restaurant service or eating leftovers, why don't you drop some of your extra non perishables at a food bank or treat a homeless man to a meal?

Did you put clothing on this morning? Clothing that was clean? Clothing that will keep your warm and protected from the elements? Do you have shoes and socks on that will keep your feet warm and dry? Google world poverty. I promise, you will realize you have much to be thankful about.

Are you drinking clean water today? Water that won't make you sick or kill you? If you did, maybe you should consider donating to a clean water cause.

So many people are complaining about their jobs. It seems as if half the employed population is complaining about the idiots working amongst them. Have you taken a look at unemployment statistics lately?

And the fact that most of you are updating your facebook status would imply to me that you have access to a computer or phone. Do you realize that you, my friend, would be considered rich by many, many people?

I realize that life can seem terrible sometimes. I can pretty much sum up the year of 2009 as a year I want to erase out of my life. And don't get me started on my once sweet little baby girl, who has been having non-stop fits for 5 days in a row. But guess, what? God has brought me this far. God has a plan for me. This world is only temporary so I need to suck it up and deal with it. I realize we can get bogged down in our day to day drudgeries and things just seem mundane. But the next time you feel compelled to share with the world how terrible your life is....is it really that terrible indeed?

The next time you wake up in a bad mood. Thank God that you woke up this morning. Thank Him that you have a bed to sleep in.

The next time that you have terrible service at a restaurant and decide to chew out your waitress - ask her what is wrong? Ask her if you can pray for her? Offer her Christ.

Tomorrow, if you have a horrible day at work and decide that you are one of the many that work amongst idiots - pray for them instead. Tell God how grateful you are that you have a job and ask Him what your purpose is?

Yes, life can be awful sometimes. But there is joy. There is joy and peace in Someone I know. His name is Jesus Christ. I am thankful I have the freedom to write about this and publish it for anyone in the world who wants to view it.

Trusting God

2010-02-03T23:28:00.000-05:00

I've struggled through most of my Christian walk with trusting God. It isn't that I don't think He loves me, or that He wants what is best for me. It is that I don't know if what He wants for me is what I want for me. I know that is incredibly selfish but it is true. Lately I've been praying a lot about trusting Him more and taking whatever He throws my way because I am not in control.

I am not in control.

I am not in control.

God is sovereign. God has a plan for me. He has a plan for my family. And when God hears that earnest prayer, He will show you that He is in control. Sit back and enjoy the ride. That is all I can say.

I can handle anything he chooses to give me. I can do whatever He entrusts me to do.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Snow Day

2010-01-31T10:38:00.000-05:00

We have had the most snow here this weekend than Harrison or Kadie have ever seen. I thought I'd post some pictures of our family enjoying it.

Watching the snow from the inside (before Harrison was allowed to bear weight on his cast) and I'm sure Kadie will kill me for this picture one day.

You really cannot protect them from everything!

2010-01-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a typical Tuesday. We were actually on time to Mom's Day Out and the children left without a fuss. Kadie only cried minimally when we left (she always cries to stay). I worked out for an hour and went to Publix to get some groceries. My sister was going to pick Harrison up for me so he could spend the night with her. On my way home, I got a call from the MDO director. She explained to me that Harrison had gotten tangled up in some wrestling boys in his class, fell down and hurt his right leg and they could not calm him down. She thought he just might need his mommy. So I tell her I'll drop off my groceries and be right there. So I drive home, fling the perishables in the fridge and head back out to get my son. So I get there and I'm greeted by Harrison sitting by himself with his teacher. He did not want to walk to the lunchroom with the other kids. In fact, he did not want to walk at all, and was flat out refusing. I could tell he had been crying. His teacher explained to me what happened. I tried to get him to walk...not happening. So the director carried Kadie out to the van while I carried Harrison. In our ride I told him it was not a good idea to spend the night with Aunt Debbie since he was not able to walk. He told me he was just scared and that he didn't hurt anymore and he cried to go to her house. My sister was comfortable with it (she was a pediatric nurse for at least 10 years) and promised she would call if anything warranted a phone call and bring him home if needed. So he goes to her house and still won't walk and just wants to lay around and watch TV. They had a pretty uneventful evening and he was cheerful. I called several times to check on him and decided that if he had not forgotten about his injury in the morning, I'd take him for a x-ray.

Side note: Kadie pooped in the potty during the midst of all of this!

Fast forward to 8:00 am this morning. My sister calls. Harrison is having a rough morning and is also coughing. She said she'd bring him to me after breakfast, etc. So they get to the house around 10:30 or so. I had already decided if he still would not walk, he was going to the ER. So I carry him into the house and explain to him that if he really and truly cannot walk, he is going to the doctor. He gets really upset but still refuses to walk. So I load the stroller into the van and we head off to Children's ER . It was all very smooth and fast. My only other experience nearly 5 years ago was just as smooth. Both of the kids were extremely well behaved and my sister was a huge help. Harrison was incredibly brave.

After triage, x-ray and then being placed into a waiting room for an examination I realized a fear of mine. No matter what I do, I cannot protect my children from everything. I am not in control of everything. I was completely and utterly helpless. My son got really upset during the physical exam because it was painful. Then the doctor went to read the x-rays. What was probably 10 minutes - felt like an eternity. Kadie was sitting happily in the stroller munching on goldfish and Harrison was engrossed in his Star Wars book. Could this really be happening? Could my son have a broken bone after a seemingly harmless fall at MDO? Seriously? I doubted him because let's face it...he can be a wee bit dramatic sometimes. I felt so ashamed that I didn't take him to the ER the previous night. I felt so terrible that I didn't believe him when he said he couldn't walk on it. Granted, it isn't the first time he has said that he can't walk but usually he will walk eventually...this time he didn't. Why didn't I trust my God given maternal instincts?

Side note: During the midst of all this we got a call from family. My nephew was having an unexpected tonsillectomy due to a fungal infection that was blocking his airway.

The doctor comes back in the room to give us the report. A toddler's fracture in his tibia. He said it is very common. They don't cast it in Europe. They often go untreated/uncasted if the child will bear weight. But because Harrison wouldn't bear weight on his, he got casted. So my precious little boy has a temporary cast all the way from his bottom to his toes. He did so well when they put it on him. He has been obsessed with bones lately. It probably monopolizes 80% of our conversations. So we talked about bones while he lay on his tummy and got a cast. So we follow up with an orthopedist on Friday. He will more than likely get a short cast. We are supposed to keep him off of it until then.

So here are some pictures of my little warrior, who I might add is incredibly proud of his cast!

Homemade Household Cleaning Recipes

2010-01-25T17:44:00.000-05:00

My niece asked me a week ago about how to make household cleaners so I figured I'd blog them for everyone to enjoy. Please feel free to add your own in the comments.

Laundry Detergent (this works well for cloth diapers too)
22 ounces of Arm & Hammer washing soda (I can only find this at Publix)
7 ounces of baking soda
7-8 ounces of oxygen cleaner (I use Sun because it is cheapest)
Mix and enjoy. This is great for HE machines because there is no soap. Use 1-2 oxygen cleaner scoops per load. If you have hard water, use apple cider vinegar in your rinse.

Fabric Softener
Regular vinegar - softens just as well as fabric softener without the funky chemicals. Just fill your rinse dispenser or put it in a downy ball.

All Purpose Cleaner
1/2 Vinegar
1/2 Water
A few drops of tea tree oil
I put mine in spray bottles throughout the house for convenience.

Window & Mirror Cleaner
Rubbing Alcohol
I use mine in a spray bottle and use coffee filters to wipe clean

Scouring/Scrubbing Agent
Lemon slice with baking soda
Scrub tough stains, soap scums away

Cleaning Paste
Mix vinegar, baking soda and lemon juice to make a thick paste for scrubbing

Bathroom cleaner
Cheap vodka in a spray bottle

Baby Wipe Solution
2 squirts baby oil or olive oil
2 squirts of baby wash (I use Dr Bronners)
1 drop tea tree oil
1 cup water
Mix and put in a spray bottle. You can spray directly onto your wipe for desired wetness.

Randomness

2010-01-21T16:50:00.000-05:00

I'm so sleepy right now so I thought I'd write to keep me awake.

Smart wool socks make me happy. I know it is weird. I love socks. Especially cute printed ones. If they are smart wool socks with a pattern I'm filled with glee.

I'm so behind on housework this week. I feel like I haven't been home. I just have to figure out a routine that includes going to the gym. Not to mention I have been shopping and running errands every day except Monday.

Ugh I hear Kadie dumping out a container of cars. I just picked up H's room. It was so messy. My children are so messy. They get into everything. I think it is because they have way too many toys. I even weeded them out but there are still too many. The problem is that they play with everything so it is hard to choose what to donate.

I really hate lady bugs. Since October I have been battling them in our kitchen and Harrison's room. Nothing I do works. I'm so sick of them.

I cannot wait to get new carpet. We were going to do it last summer/fall but with Dad getting sick, it was the last thing on my mind. I'm trying to hold off until spring. I'm not sure why but I think it is a better spring project. Maybe late winter? I'm thinking early March. However, I may change my mind. The mismatched ugly carpet makes me want to vomit every day. I know I should be thankful that I have a house that has floors and not dirt. Thank you God for my ugly mismatched carpet.

I'm itching to do all sorts of projects. I want to paint so many rooms. Okay, well two. My problem is motivation and time. I have a hard time getting anything done with my children. They get into everything. Everything. If I'm painting during the day that means I'm not watching them. That means destroyed house. I wish I could just hire someone to do it.

And decorating. I suck at decorating. I have lived in my house for 15 months and still have nothing on my walls with the exception of the living room and a few things in the kids rooms. It stresses me out. I wish I had a friend that would just pick some things out for me and tell me where to put them. One of my projects for this week was to get some things hung up in the hallway. Hmm.....

So Chris did some winter sowing this past Monday. I'm excited about that. I really want a nice herb garden this year.

Ugh still sleepy. Now I hear Kadie dumping something else. I guess that is enough randomness.

My Wal-Mart Experience

2010-01-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

So I leave the gym today with both of my children. We needed to finish up the grocery shopping from yesterday. I needed to get Chris some air freshener for his car so I decided to just finish up at Wal-Mart rather than Publix. (By the way I forgot his air freshener - my whole reason for going to WM). It was pouring down rain. I waited for a bit in the van to see if it would pass and it didn't so we braved it. No big deal. My children love to run through the rain without an umbrella - which we had, but what fun is that?

So, it starts with a mini meltdown from Kadie because she wanted to sit in the cart that has the 2 seats in the front, but it was soaking wet. By the time we got to the dairy section she was calm. Then Chris calls me to tell me that some great news we got earlier in the day wasn't quite as great as we thought it was. So I was a little stressed but trying to make the most of it. I truly loathe going to Wal-Mart and that alone puts me in a bad mood (yes I am moody). Well, of course I forgot my list so I kept trekking back and forth trying to remember everything. A brief trip took forever because I was frazzled and disorganized. The kids were amazingly well behaved after K's mini meltdown.

We get in the line to check-out. Harrison is being cute and polite and Kadie is just being cute. It is our turn, so I load up all my stuff on the conveyor belt thingy with H's help. So I push my cart over to the side of the spinny thing with bags so I can load the bags. This elderly gentleman starts to walk my way. He has a cane and it literally took him a minute to get from the bench (which was probably 15-20 feet from me). I had just placed a bag in our cart. He is walking right towards us. I think that he surely is confused? He doesn't know us? Maybe he thinks he knows us? There was a lady behind us...maybe he is with her? He proceeds to stop at the bag spinny thing and hands me every single bag. He slowly and carefully hands me each bag so I can put it in my cart without having to walk back and forth. This was the sweetest gesture I have had from a complete stranger in quite some time. I thanked him and told him how kind he was. He told me he was a bag boy his whole life and would still do it "if he wasn't all crippled".

Now this may seem small and insignificant and perhaps I could have done it faster myself. He was a very frail man. But the fact is, it was kind. Good old fashioned chivalry at its best. He saw a lady with 2 small children and decided to help. It made my whole day. Thank you God for placing such a kind man in my path today that made me feel God's love.

After this random encounter I started thinking how I should act upon kind thoughts that enter my head. I think of kind things to do all the time - but the thoughts are fleeting. I used to do it all the time in high school. Why don't I anymore? Because I'm a frazzled housewife wrapped up in my daily life? Lame. So from now on I'm going to act on it. If I think I should send someone a card or email I will do it. I will never slack on thank you notes anymore. If I want to surprise someone with some tie dyed cuteness, I will do it. I will do it because God has given me the ability to do so and in a small way it is showing the love of God. Just being kind can totally make a person's day.

Many Shapes of Alicia

2010-01-19T23:44:00.002-05:00

So I joined a gym today and worked out. I joined Fit One (Thanks for telling me Dana!) which is owned/operated by a family that goes to my church. I'm super excited. It isn't like a meat market so I felt totally comfortable exercising there today.

Anyway, when I was on the elliptical machine today I was all disgusted with myself. Then I got to thinking about how far I have come in the past 4 years. Now granted I still have "baby" weight to lose but I think I am too hard on myself. Because even if I don't lose the weight, I'm in better shape than I was 4 years ago.

Here are some pictures of my progress.
This was me as a skinny minnie 18 year old.

Some of my highest weights.

About halfway there

Trying on my old size 22's

Random pictures from spring 2007 - around my lowest weight. The last one is my 30th birthday with my friend Andrea.

So I do still get disgusted with my body but I look at these old pictures and I am thankful I am not that person anymore!

A letter to my Dad

2010-01-18T22:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Daddy,

Well, today has been 3 months since you left. It is hard to believe we have started a new year without you. For the most part the past 3 months have been a clouded fog of emotions. Surprisingly it has gotten easier. I don't cry every day, anymore. I took Harrison to your grave this past Thursday and it was the first time I went without sobbing hysterically. Perhaps I was trying to hold it together for him because he wanted to tell you about his Christmas presents. I was proud of him. He misses you dearly. He told me yesterday he was sick and needed to go to the hospital so that he could go to Heaven and see you. I knew it would be hard on him but I had no idea it would be this hard.

I think of you every day. When I think about you for a great length of time that painful ache in my chest and throat creeps over me. I am getting to the point where I can think of you and smile. I'm happy to be at the point. I helped Mom go through your things a couple of weeks ago. We put all of your clothes into some tubs. We are going to make memory quilts with most of it. That should keep us busy! Mom finally took your jeans off the coat tree in the bedroom because she couldn't smell you on them anymore. She figured it was time to wash them and put them away. It was too painful for her to walk into the closet and see all of your things. She is finally accepting that you aren't coming back to us. I think we are all slowly coming at peace with your death. She is staying with Daresa for a couple of weeks. I think it will be good for her. She is also taking a class at church with me and will be taking a class at Precept this spring. We are trying to take care of her for you.

If I could rewind time, I would. Just to hold your hand and give you a hug. To tell you again how much I love you and how proud I am that you fought so hard to stay with us. I've said it a hundred times. You are the strongest man I've ever know and I'm proud to call you my Daddy. I'm glad you are at peace. I can't begin to imagine what you are experiencing right now in Heaven. It gives me comfort. I will see you again one day.

If I have learned anything from losing you it has been to treasure life. Appreciate life. Love. I'm trying hard to make some changes. I want to treasure life. I want to love my family more deeply. I want to have fun with our friends. I want to appreciate the things I take for granted. I think these things would make you proud.

Well Daddy, I hope you are having a blast in Heaven :-). I love you and miss you dearly.

Love,
Alicia

Love

2010-01-17T23:15:00.000-05:00

So my pastor spoke on love today. It really got me thinking. Our church's new mission statement is - Love God. Love Others. Offer them Christ. It seems so simple. So basic. But really...

I mean if you truly love God you will desire to be close to Him. You will hunger to be in His word. You will remain in a spirit of prayer throughout the day. You will try to keep keep His commandments.

Why is it so hard? Why does everything in my life keep me from doing this?

I have been on many paths throughout my almost 33 (yikes) years of living. Paths I look back on fondly and paths I'd prefer to forget. Lessons learned. Mistakes made. Tons of growing. I had a lengthy detour during most of my college years and during the early years of our marriage. Those are years I cannot get back. But one thing I can say is that I have always loved people and even in my darkest years I still knew God loved me and expected me to love others.

I want this to be my own personal mission statement for the rest of my life. I do love God. I want to serve Him. I want to be close to Him and learn more and more about Him.

I love my husband and my children dearly. As well as the rest of my family. And my church family and my friends. I want this love to be manifested in everything I do.

If you read this blog, hold me accountable, please!

There are many reasons I love my husband

2010-01-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

He always makes my coffee on the weekends - just how I like it.

He loves to make breakfast.

He can be funny :)

We make insanely cute babies.

We have fun together.

And he dances to Maroon 5 in a leopard print snuggie with morning hair with his daughter :) Enjoy.

Do you ever wonder?

2010-01-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

What your life would be like if you were an open vessel to God's plan?

My prayer is that my family can be open to whatever God wants us to do.

Can you imagine the bliss? Can you imagine the fulfillment?

Yes it might be difficult. In fact, I'm certain it would be difficult. That fact that I've been trying to seek God's will for my life this week alone has been difficult. Following God's plan for your life is not easy but He will bless you beyond measure.

God, help me to be open to Your plan. I pray that I can be used for Your glory. I pray that I can have meaningful relationships and interactions with others that are for Your glory. I pray that I will be receptive to You.

This is why my laundry pile never goes away.

2010-01-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

These photos were taken merely 2 hours apart from each other. Good thing she is cute. This is exactly why my children look homeless if you come to visit us during the week.

My babies

2010-01-13T08:33:00.000-05:00

So this morning I am awakened by a 20 month old calling out "Mama". It takes me about 5 minutes to respond. I know what she wants. She wants her morning milkies. She doesn't nurse that often anymore but their are certain times she must nurse and she will not bend. So we curl up in the big brown recliner in the playroom while she nurses and I enjoy those early morning snuggles. I am thankful I made the decision to breastfeed my children and stuck with it. I am thankful that I decided I didn't care what people thought of me and decided to let Kadie nurse as long as she desires. If I weaned her at one year I wouldn't have these early morning snuggles. I mean how often does a 20 month old stay in your lap for at least 20 minutes without wiggling and trying to get down? Exactly. They don't. Unless they are sick. Plus, still letting her nurse makes me appreciate the fact that she is still my baby and very possibly my last one. I'm in no rush for her to grow up. I will treasure these sweet baby moments forever.

Hello, my name is Alicia and I am a lactivist. Just in case you didn't know.

Then as we finished I hear my little man walking downstairs. His Pop Up Play World is still set up from last night. He barely speaks a word to either of us and immediately starts playing. Then Little Bit joins in with him. Harrison looks at me and says:

"Mom, I forgot to show Pops my Pop Up Play World".
"Which Pops Harrison?" (I am fairly certain I know but you can't assume with this child)
"The one that used to feed me cottage cheese." (my dad)
"Well buddy do you remember why you weren't able to show him?"
"Yeah mom. He is in Heaven and asleep so he can't see it. But I still want to show him."
"Well do you want to visit his grave and tell him about it?"
"Yeah I do but he won't answer me."
"Well Harrison you won't hear him talk and you won't even see him but I still think you might like to tell him about it at his grave."
"Ok, can we go tell him about it? "

We all miss my dad. Very much so. Harrison misses him terribly. He was a huge part in Harrison's life. I'm thankful he is talking about it now. Grief is very real. Even for a four year old.

One of those Mondays....

2010-01-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

Today will go down in my history as one of those days I want to forget. I started out having a hard time getting started today. We finally got out after 11 to get groceries. Started out fine. We went to Earth Fare, which I loved and found some great deals on organics. This should be a good day. Organic things make me happy. As we were heading to Publix, Chris called and wanted us to meet him for lunch. So we had a quick lunch at Taco Bell. I head home to unload my Earth Fare goods and then headed straight to Publix. My children, mainly the one full of testosterone, were animals. Wild animals. My son thinks that when he is in a grocery store, he must behave as horribly as he possibly can and that stirs up the little one. One hour and one hundred dollars later, one very ill mother and two very naughty little children headed back home. The whole way home Harrison is asking for goldfish, pineapple, juice, milk, yogurt...basically everything that appealed to him in our grocery cart.

So we get home. I put the children inside and empty out the van. Literally every time I walk inside with bags, my son asks me for something to eat, despite several warnings that he needs to be quiet and play while I take care of groceries. So I get the perishables put away and nurse Kadie so she will take a nap since she is quite the crab herself. After getting her down I make Harrison a snack and put away some of the non-perishables. Now mind you, Kadie is not asleep but she is talking and singing and entertaining herself in her crib. I put some new batteries in H's leapster and hope to buy myself some time. Whew..ok some quiet time that I obviously so desperately need. I sit down and start reading and trying to relax. Within ten very short minutes Harrison starts his incessant talking and requesting of drinks, snacks, etc. I tell him it is in his best interest to go upstairs to his room. At this point Kadie is calling out for Mama and not sleeping. My fuse was short and I'm developing a headache. My options are a) crack open the bottle of wine on the counter, b) put an ad on Craigslist for my children, c) take a relaxing bubble bath. So I chose option C. Now granted I know 4:30 is not the best time to take a bubble bath but Kadie was safely in her bed and Harrison was in his room. I figure it is okay. So I'm soaking in my jasmine vanilla aromatherapy bath (which I never take I should add) and relaxing and trying to psych myself to be a better Mommy. Kadie starts screaming her head off. She obviously isn't taking a nap and is infuriated. About a minute later I hear....Mom...I'm ready to wipe. Seriously? So I get out, dry off, throw a robe on, wipe a butt, wash my hands and his and walk to a grouchy girl's room not knowing what to expect. And what do I find? A red faced, tear stained toddler with no pants or diaper on because she pooped and decided to take everything off herself. I should add this is not the first time this has happened. She takes matters into her own hands if you don't change her diaper quickly enough. Seriously... like I'm in the mood for poop clean up.

And there you have it. My day so far and it is 5:19. My only saving grace is that I'm meeting friends at Amigo's for dinner. Of course that should be interesting with my napless monster. Seeing how it is now 40 minutes away, I need to finish getting my kids and myself ready. My children are now giving me peace offerings to try to get on my good side. I have a baby doll, a felt pineapple and some other random toy on my lap. Hopefully I can post again tonight with something wonderful. Right now it just isn't happening.

Quick random thoughts....

2010-01-11T09:47:00.000-05:00

I think it is funny that Cameron Diaz is on Sesame Street.

I need to get a shower so my Monday does not end up being a waste. I got plenty of sleep last night but am struggling to get busy. I have many errands to run today. We need groceries! I'm hoping to have time to go to Earth Fare which has been open for a month and I still have not graced them with my presence. I know they must be very sad about that.

My blog layout is really ugly. I want it to look cool.

I have to tie dye tonight. Have to. I need to dye 2 things for 2 people. Possibly make some stuff for the congo which initially I said I was taking a month off. We. will. see.

Mr. Noodle is annoyingly creep. Mr. Noodle's brother, Mr. Noodle is equally so. Unfortunately my children do not agree.

I need to make some phone calls this week about school. I just discovered Harrison might be able to go to a different public school as a priority #2 student. I just want to thoroughly check all my options. I know it is only kindergarten and he won't be scarred for life but he is my son. It is my job to make sure he gets the best start possible. It is no different than my choice to breastfeed and feed him healthy. It all adds up in the big picture. Although I've embraced the idea of homeschooling him this year I'm still not opposed to sending him to a good public school. He is my son. He is a child of God. He is worth the research and the time it takes to make a well informed decision.

What does God want me to do for Him today? Time to go pray!

That weird unsettling feeling

2010-01-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

I hate the weird unsettling feeling and I've had it since Saturday morning. I had it this summer and then my Daddy got sick and passed away. I had it before we sold our house in Highland Park to move back to my family's farm. I've had it at various times throughout my life and it doesn't always mean negative but it always means something big.

Right now it is a feeling of uneasiness and discontentment. I've been trying to sort out whether it is just still being depressed about the things of my life lately but I truly don't feel that is it. I think it has something to do with me and the changes I need to make.

I am really unhappy with who I am right now. I know that I can be more. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband and children dearly and I'm happy with those choices. It is deeper than that. Perhaps God is about to do a number on me. My mind is swimming with thoughts right now but I can't seem to slow them down to write them. I'll be spending this week in prayer about this stupid unsettling feeling. I just hope it is for something good!

Accepting Applications

2010-01-09T18:15:00.000-05:00

In efforts to reclaim our social life for 2010, Chris and I are accepting applications for friends. What in the world is she talking about you might ask? They have plenty of friends. And yes we have lots of friends but something we are lacking and have not consistently had throughout our marriage is that set of friends. You know the friends that you hang out with once a week, go on vacations together, keep each others kids, and the ones you can call in a moment's notice for anything. And I have several friends like that and Chris has several friends like that but we don't have a combined set like that. Heck, we'd even be okay with a group of friends like that. It became painfully obvious to us that when we had nowhere to go on New Year's Eve that we did not have those friends. Because after all, if we had those friends, we would have had plans on NYE. So here is our personal ad:

Married couple of nearly 9 years seeking close companionship of another couple - nothing weird - we aren't looking for those kind of friends :o). We are Christians, fun, friendly, hospitable, have 2 adorable children (ages 4.5 & 20 months), love to eat sushi (really love to eat in general), drink wine/beer, play board games and just hang out and talking/deep discussions. Husband loves Falcons football and wife tolerates it. We are well rounded and cool. Give us a chance :)

hehe....

10 years....

2010-01-07T15:26:00.002-05:00

It is amazing the difference 10 years makes. Really. 10 years is a long time and anything can happen within a 10 year time frame.

10 years ago I was a 22 year old college senior. I was very newly dating Chris and not really sure where I wanted it to go. I was working as a cocktail waitress at a busy bar/restaurant and going out almost every night of the week. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do when I graduated. I had a terrible shopping habit and cursed like a sailor. I rolled my eyes when my parents tried to lecture me on where my life was going and probably saw them once a month. I would pray many nights as I was laying in my bed that God would be patient with me because I wasn't the person I knew He wanted me to be. I wasn't sure if I wanted children and I was pretty sure that I wanted to be successful and wealthy career woman. I had plans on getting my Masters and likely Ph.D. I wanted to move far away and live life to the fullest. I didn't care about debt and figured it was a part of life.

Here I sit today in our playroom. Watching my 4 year old son work a solar system puzzle and my daughter playing house and bringing me books to read. I am a full-time stay at home mom and drive a mini-van. I married the man I wasn't so sure about initially and have built a wonderful life. I love him more today than I ever imagined. We are desperately trying to reclaim some aspect of our social life and have found a church that we love. I'm not so sure about a Master's anymore but I would like to become a certified lactation consultant. We hate debt avoid using it at all costs. We want to build a home on a farm and live off of our land. We are not so much concerned with material wealth but building security and a happy fulfilled life. I talk to my mom daily and see her weekly and I'd do anything to have my dad back with us.

Some things are still the same. I still love beer. I still love wine. I still love to curl up and get lost in a good book or watch a crime drama. I still love to create things. I still love to act goofy with my husband. I still love to laugh. I still procrastinate.

So when I really think about how much we/I have changed and grown in 10 years it makes me realize how much we are capable of changing and growing in the next 10 years. I definitely have ideas of where I'd like to be in 10 years but I also had ideas 10 years ago that didn't turn out anything like I expected. More than anything, I've learned is that life is hard to plan and ideas and passions will change. The one thing that has remained true and steadfast is God. He has seen me through everything within these past 10 years. There have been times when I feel painfully far away from Him and times I feel blissfully close. My prayer is that I can continue to grow near to Him and trust that my next decade is in His hands.

I also think about my children and their futures. They are both very young and who knows if they will have any additional siblings. I pray that the next 10 years lead them closer to the Heavenly Father. I pray they know how much they are loved, appreciated, and treasured. I pray that Chris and I can parent them like God parents us. I pray their minds are filled with knowledge, hearts full of love and souls full of priceless memories and experiences that will last them a lifetime.

Daddy's back and the kids are wild! And some other things.

2010-01-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

Chris was gone for a mere day and a half and is back tonight. We are very glad to have him home. Our children acted as if they haven't seen him in weeks (and Monday night he kissed them goodbye). I'm glad they love their Daddy so much. The past 2 hours have been wild. They've been sword fighting, wrestling, singing and pretty much acting like like monkeys.They got used to having him home more again during Christmas break, so they missed him a lot while he was gone. Although, Harrison loved him being gone at bedtime because that means he got to sleep with Mommy. He told me last night that he thought Daddy might be gone for a few more nights so he could sleep with me. Glad to know he loves me too :)

I went to Etowah today with my mom and sister to some of these discount stores. I was reluctant to go because I usually don't find much I need. I am a freak about household products and personal hygience products and those type stores generally don't have what I use. I found some organic toothpaste...that expired in 2006...no thanks. I did find some eco-friendly baby shampoo and diaper rash ointment. I do buy the fun foaming kids soap because Harrison will actually wash his hands when I do - so I found some of that. And I found a refill for my Spray 'N Wash (some things just can't be green). I found a good deal on kleenex and Airborne. I suppose it was worth it but I probably won't go back anytime soon. I think once a year is good enough for me.

So I was on the phone with my sister this evening discussing something she left in my van and we somehow get on the topic of my future and homesteading, etc. As weird as it may seem, I've always been reluctant to build/buy our dream house because I have always felt like I'm supposed to be the one that moves into Mom and Dad's house because I'm really the only one that grew up in the house. As terrible as it seems, I don't want to live there. The house is huge. Five bedrooms, 3.5 baths, kitchen, dining room, living room, den, wet bar, foyer, laundry. That does not include the apartment in the basement. Really and truly the house is way bigger than I'd ever want to clean or maintain! I may change my mind years from now, but right now it is really not the house for us. Ok...getting to my point. So my fear is that if we don't take the house whenever the times (hopefully a really long time from now) who will? But my sister assured me that she and my other sister feel just as strongly about the house being used and maintained. We do have another sister and I'm sure she feels the same way. So I feel a huge burden lifted off of me. Now I have the freedom to build my dream house on their property. This totally changes everything including how homesteading fits into our life. My parents have a 100 acre farm. My Daddy loved that land and did everything in his power to keep it in his family so it is important to Chris and me to make sure it stays that way. This suddenly opens up doors that we didn't know were there.

Now I'm not sure where this puts us. My initial thoughts are that we stay in our current home for a couple more years and try to save money and work on small homesteading skills. We continue to work on projects that add value to this home and sell it when the time is right. At that point in time, we move in with my mom temporarily while building a our dream house/last house. Our goal would be to build it with little to no debt involved so we are okay with it being built in phases. We would finish phase 1 of the house (livable) and continue finishing it doing as much as possible ourselves. I know our ultimate dream is to live off the grid as much as possible. I know for a fact we could have well water because my parents house has it. We just have to figure out how to tackle the energy part of it. Maybe solar? I don't know. And the homesteading possibilities are endless. There is a ton of land for gardening, raising chickens, goats, alpacas, cattle, etc.

The coolest thing about all of this. I was praying just a few days ago that if we were supposed to embrace this homesteading lifestyle that God would show me some direction. I know I want to do it but does He want us to do it? It seems like clarity came quickly. I will continue to pray and plan but I must say, a huge relief has been taken off of Alicia Holbrook's shoulders!

Just another manic Monday....

2010-01-04T10:57:00.000-05:00

Well sort of.

Back to the grind for me. Chris is back to working two jobs so it is back to long days for me. I've got my to do list made and I've scratched off a couple already. I'm dreading the weeks and weeks of long days but I know they are inevitable and it does make me appreciate my time with my whole family more.

Since we are only four days into the new year I've been really thinking about changes I want to make which I touched on in my previous blog. I really want this year to be the year I proudly look back on and say that was a very accomplished great year. I know the biggest factor is me and making sure I don't get lazy. I know that I thrive on structure and routine so I just have to keep myself at it. I am notorious for overshooting and setting too many unachievable goals so I'm trying to be more reasonable this year but I feel like the sky is the limit.

Two big things that I want to get accomplished this year...working out and taking my kids somewhere every week. Since becoming a SAHM I've become a homebody. Sure we go visit my mom and get groceries but that is all. And lets just say it is embarrassing at how long it has been since I've worked out consistently. We got two memberships for Christmas (Thanks Judi!) to the aquarium and the children's museum. So I figured between those two things and possibly getting a zoo membership and going to the mall playground, parks/playgrounds and the library, I will take my children somewhere at least once a week. I will, I will!

As far as the working out, for almost a year it just really wasn't in our budget - but we can fit it in now. And once it was doable, childcare was an issue. I just discovered the Rush has a special for 2010...20.10 per month with 14 free days and they have childcare. I sent an email inquiry for more information. As long as I'm not committing myself to some insane contract and the childcare is provided in the cost, I'm probably going that route. Ideally I'd like to go 4 times a week.

I'm looking into either The Little Gym or the CDC Playgym to give Kadie something to do while Harrison is in Mom's Day Out. Both have a Tuesday morning class which would work perfectly for our schedule. I am waiting to hear back on those. I get a free class at either place so I may try them both out.

My mind has been consumed with all things home schoolsince last week. After laying in bed thinking about it last night I think I might be picking too much for Kindergarten and I probably need to back down a bit. And I think if we go the church related school route, rather than registering with the LEA that I am not held to schooling him for 4 hours a day. Four hours a day is a lot for one child, especially at that age when it is one on one time. I can't imagine how on earth we'd fill up 4 hours without him becoming insanely bored. Not to mention the fact that I still have a toddler that needs attention. I know it can be done because mom's do it all the time. Our big thing is trying to keep him on track with TN standards because we aren't sure if we are committing to homeschooling for the entirety or just until he gets accepted into CSAS.

So I think that is all for now. Lots on my mind but I must start straightening up the playroom now!

A year of weirdness and becoming the family we are destined to be!

2009-12-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

So if I were to sum of the year of 2009, I'd pretty much have to say it sucked. I know that is being extremely negative but all in all it was one of my hardest years ever. It started in May when Chris got a decrease in pay with very little notice. I moved directly into babysitting this summer which was very difficult and stressful. During the midst of all of that, my Daddy got sick, stayed sick and then passed away in October. And during the month of October I went to roll call every night to get my son into a magnet school (that he did not get accepted into) After Daddy's passing it has been dealing with the grief and living in a world without my Daddy. So yes, I know I'm being negative but looking at the year as a whole, I'd say it sucked. I know that God is sovereign and all things will lead to His glory but it doesn't mean I have to like them when they happen.

Now let me say, that I've always been horrible with sticking to New Years resolutions but in all honestly I need to start anew. So I've decided that 2010 will be a year to embrace my(our) inner weirdness. As I've gotten older I've always been drawn to things a little less mainstream, a little odd...a lifestyle that is not suited for many. Every year I get a little more comfortable in my own skin. But always holding me back is wondering if my friends and family think I'm getting too weird.

So here goes....
Chris and I are starting with a decluttering project. We are going to declutter from now until January 31st (with 5 free days). We will donate/sell/trash 5 items per day. A minimalistic life appeals to me but I've never been remotely close. Clutter seems to be the theme of my life and I'm over it. So if we stick to our guns will be rid of 300 things by January 31st which is very exciting to me. We will also get rid of 5 things per new thing that enters ours home (with the exception of food). I'm eager to see where this leads us in a month.

Chris and I have always felt drawn into a homesteading type of life. We have decided to try this out by getting some chickens in the spring and hopefully have them laying by fall. Maybe half a dozen? I'm not sure yet. We are still researching it and figured it is the best way to start a small homestead. He is also going to start winter sowing so we can have a productive garden this year. Our garden was highly neglected last year and we did not freeze/can anything. I want a stocked freezer/pantry this year!

I am crafty and creative. I know this and I need to embrace it. My recent obsession has been sewing. I'm still not that great but I'm not bad either. Each project improves and hopefully within the year I can get even better. I'd love to make most of the things we need or use. We are going to turn our storage room into a sewing room this spring. I'm very excited about this!

Homeschooling. Yes, I said it. I said all along that I would probably homeschool. When we moved back to Chattanooga and had access to magnet schools, I pushed that idea to the side. Well we did not get into CSAS this year. I'm not sure where we are on the list but I'm guessing it will be 2nd grade before we get in. That being said, I'm going to homeschool Harrison. I will say this frightens me and it will be a huge challenge. But the more I research, the more excited I become. I know we will probably not have much support on this decision but Chris and I feel it is best for him. He is so smart and I do not want him to fall through the cracks in an overcrowded class room where he might be labeled ADD or hyper and a troublemaker. He is actually showing signs of reading readiness so I'm going to go with it and see if he is truly ready to learn to read. I know I was able to read in kindergarten but I don't remember how young I was when I could read. He loves books so it really isn't a shock to me. I've been researching like crazy and feel that the eclectic approach is the best method for us. I'd like to cover all the standards for TN schools in case he does end up at CSAS. So I will look for curriculum to teach Engligh/Language Arts & Math. I think for Fine Arts we will look into learning a musical instrument and possibly an art class. For computer technology, I will probably just get him some games and look for educational web programs. I'd like to get him started on a Foreign Language so I will likely be looking for a class on that. For PE we will just play outdoors and enroll him fall/spring sports. For reading we will just read, read, read! I'm not sure about science yet or social studies yet...maybe curriculum? I'd like to do a volunteer project as a family to teach him about serving others. My mind is swimming with ideas! I don't think he is old enough for cub scouts yet but I'd like to get in involved in something of that nature.

As far as my personal walk with God. It needs a lot of work. Ideally I'd like this upcoming year to be the year I surrender everything to God. What I've struggled with the most during my entire Christian walk is giving things to God. I guess I'm a control freak and I need to give God everything. I think I neglect feeding myself spiritually because I get too busy doing other things and I want this to change! I know I can live in peace and joy if I let God in completely!

One month ago today

2009-11-18T11:41:00.000-05:00

It was the worst weekend of my life

So the worst weekend of my life started out on Thursday. I thought it was going to be a good day. We got off to a good start and we all had our cute Halloween shirts on…it felt like it would be good. It all started when I locked myself out of my house and car while heading out to take Harrison to school. Our door looks from the inside without keys and I knew as soon as I shut the door what I had done. I called Chris but he was at work and didn’t answer. I called my mother-in-law and she did not have keys to my house. I knew that I’d have to call my mom but she was visiting my Daddy at the hospital and would not have her phone turned on during visiting hours. So I scoped out my house to see if there were any areas that I could break into and no such luck. Did I mention it was raining? I called my mom when visiting hours were over and she was happy to come bring her warm car over to our house so we could sit in her car instead of the rain while we waited for Chris to bring me keys. We ended up sitting in her car for nearly 2 hours before Chris got home with keys. My Daddy was also scheduled to have surgery and we were nervous because he was not having a good week. So my mom leaves to go back to the hospital, Chris leaves to go to work and I stay to try to get some stuff done around the house. Then I get a call from my sister. My dad’s doctor did not expect him to make it through surgery. I called Chris and he came home to go sit at the hospital with me. My mother-in-law came and got the kids, we took care of roll-call at the school (the CSAS list roll-call) and headed to the hospital and anxiously awaited the outcome of the surgery. He actually did well during surgery and was pretty stable. The doctor said we’d wait and see how he did through the weekend before he went back in again.

Friday I had planned on seeing my dad during the day but couldn’t get my schedule straight and I started feeling badly. He had a pretty stable day so I figured I’d just go visit him Saturday instead. That evening I started getting a horrible headache but I just chalked it up to nerves or something. Harrison spent the night with mom so Kadie and I decided to take Chris dinner at work. That evening when Chris got back home from work, we sat to make our weekend plans. We got into an argument and he went to bed while I sat in the living room to be by myself. I normally can deal with our little spats but for some reason this one hit me hard. I came on to bed and started crying. My silent tears turned into sobs and then hysterical sobs and I could not calm down. My chest got really tight and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I asked Chris to help me and finally calmed down but then laid awake for an hour or so. I had no idea what was going on with me.

Saturday morning when I woke up with an intense sadness and I also felt like I got plowed into by a semi-truck. Then my mom called me before 8 am to tell me Harrison had a fever and wanted to come. We decided she would bring my sister Daresa (who was visiting from Memphis) to see Daddy and drop Harrison off after dropping her off at the hospital. Then mom would go back home until later on that day and she would come back to see Daddy. She dropped Harrison off and within an hour I knew I was sick too (headache, sore throat, cough, body aches, chills, slight fever) and decided I was going to stay at home and see my dad the next day. Chris and I had a talk about our argument and my tears. I explained to him how sad I felt and how scared I was about losing my dad and how I didn’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I could handle. Around noon I decided to check my phone and I had just missed a call from my sister, Daresa. She didn’t say anything in the message other than to call her back but I knew after hearing her message that things were bad. I called her and she told me she just talked to dad’s doctor. He said Dad looked a lot worse than yesterday. Although his chest x-ray showed improvement his lungs were working properly and he basically just wasn’t responding to treatment. It appeared as if his body was tired and just ready to stop fighting. So even though I felt badly I knew that I had to be at the hospital and we knew that Harrison would want to be with us because he felt badly too. So we dropped Kadie off at my in-laws house and report to the hospital. Daddy’s blood pressure kept getting really low and there wasn’t much more that could be done. His lungs were weak, his vent was turned up all the way and his kidneys were barely functioning. His nurse talked to my mom about DNR again because she had pulled the last set when he seemed to be improving. We talked it over with her. It was a tough decision because we knew that this time there would be a need. We knew that we were out of 2nd chances. After many tears, my mom said she would only sign those papers if they let Harrison and my niece, Camryn go in to see Daddy. You have to be at least 10 to visit patients in ICU so they had not been able to see him in over 2 months. Saturday was probably the longest day of my life. Not only did I feel horrible from fighting the flu but knowing that your Daddy’s breaths are numbered makes for a rough day. They let us stay in the family consultation room which had a door directly into the ICU. We were given unlimited access to Daddy for the entirety of his last days. Visiting hours no longer applied to us nor did visitor limits. I kept feeling weak and dizzy when I went into his room - probably because of being sick. When we took Harrison back to see him, he was a little nervous and did not want to wear the isolation gown and gloves. I got to hold him next to Daddy’s bed. It took a couple of minutes for Daddy to wake up but when he woke up his eyes twinkled and he gave Harrison the biggest smile. They were so close. It meant so much that he got to see him before he passed. Harrison gave him a shy smile back and they gazed at each other for a bit and then we waved bye. Harrison was excited because he kept saying he had forgotten what his Pops looked like. I am really thankful they got to see each other that day. Chris took Harrison back home around dinner time and got Kadie too. He went ahead and got the kids in bed while I stayed at the hospital. Daddy was responsive all day but very sleepy probably because he was getting ready to go. That night around 10 or 11 I was standing in there with my niece, Bailey and nephew John. The nurse could not get his oxygen sensor to read his stats from his finger which I knew was bad because that meant his extremities were cold due to his body shutting down. His BP starting dropping really low. Like 30/20 so I knew it was probably coming soon. My niece went and got the rest of my family. His nurse ran off to call the ICU intensivist to see what to do. They infused him quickly with more fluid and some medicine. Which manage to get his BP back up into a normal range however they would not do it again.

My mom and I went home around 2 am so she could get some sleep. Hospitals are not comfortable especially when you are 69. I live 10-15 minutes from the hospital . Two of my sisters stayed there along with one of my nieces. Mom and I both woke up right before 7 and started getting ready. My sister Debbie called me and said we needed to hurry and get there. Then she call back within 10 minutes telling us to hurry up because he was going quickly. Thankfully we were already on our way out. So we took off to the hospital and got to be with him for his very last breaths. We got to tell him how much we loved him and how important he was to us. We got to let him know what a great Daddy/husband he was. And then he was gone, just like that. My Daddy was gone. I will never forget the feeling of loneliness and pain when I knew it really happened. This emotional roller coaster was over and I know have to live my life without my Daddy.

The weeks after his passing are rather blurry. I stayed with my mom most of the week after he died. It was hard and we cried a lot. There are days I do not want to get out of bed. There are days I question every medical decision that was made by him and his doctors. There are days I cry all day long and days I laugh. There are days I am so angry I can’t deal with it so I just don’t speak. There are days that it feels like a terrible nightmare.

My Daddy was an honorable man. Sure, he made mistakes and he was definitely human. I’m not saying he was perfect or even close to it. He was a kind and sensitive man. He had integrity. He was a thoughtful gentleman. He was a thinker. He was the type of man that you just don’t see much of anymore. And the past 10 years with my him have made up for any years prior to that. He did have a drinking addiction until 1999. There are some not so great memories from that period of his life but he made up for them tenfold in the past 10 years. Even as an alcoholic he was actually still a really good man. After he stopped drinking, I saw the man my mother fell in love with. I saw someone that always seemed so hard ,become so soft. I saw him act like a child again when playing with my children. I saw him make peace with God and live a peaceful life. Daddy’s eyes always twinkled - and even up until the day he died he still had that amazing sparkle in his blue eyes. And he always had this little smirk on his face - like he knew a secret and wasn’t telling a soul.

It has been one month today. I have lived a month of my life without my Daddy. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. I know that the pain is still raw and it will get easier with time. I know that one day I will be able to remember something about him and smile or laugh rather than cry painful tears. I know that he is no longer in pain and that he if had the choice to come back on earth at this point, he would happily choose Heaven now. I know these things and slowly I am accepting them. There are so many things I miss about him and things I don’t even realize I miss yet. Right now I miss my deep Daddy conversations. I miss how he always had an avocado (to make guacamole) sitting on the counter for me when I came to visit. I miss how he lit up when he saw my children. I miss him taking his nightly walk at the same time every night. I just miss my Daddy. I miss him so much it hurts.

Daddy Update

2009-10-02T10:39:00.002-04:00

Dad had surgery to reconnect his esophagus to small intestines in hope to finally get him on the road to healing. The surgery started yesterday around 1:15 and lasted over 3 hours. His doctor told us that the part of his small intestines that was to be joined to his esophagus was necrotic so he had to cut part of it out and attach the healthy part to the esophagus. His esophagus did look good though. There was more necrotic tissue around his liver and pancreas which was cleaned. Part of his large intestines had to be removed because of necrotic tissue so he ended up with a bowel resection also. Less than an hour later he was taken back to surgery because he was bleeding and it was uncontrollable. His doctor told my family around 7 pm last night that he would probably not make it beyond an hour or so. He said that the area where his spleen had been removed (10 years ago) was the main problem because of a messentary artery which has been the bleeding problem the whole time. And his liver function is a concern. So they started infusing him with plasma, platelets, blood and different medicines to help his BP and to help him clot. So we all went to see my Daddy to be with him as he made his journey out of this world. Most of us got to seem him around 9 pm last night (which according to his doctor he should have been dead). Two of my sisters were traveling and had not made it back in town yet. At this point my dad’s kidney function was still great and he was bleeding less but his head was really swollen and he is back on a ventilator. He was actually alert and trying to talk to us. His doctor then told us that we should still probably expect the worse and pretty much all life saving measures were being taken. My mom signed DNR papers. My two sisters arrived around the same time and we got to go back to see him again. At this time the swelling had gone down slightly in his head and he was holding his own for the most part. He was off most medications and relatively stable considering all things.

This morning when I saw him again, he was still awake and alert and all vitals are stable and the bleeding has slowed down considerably. He was trying to talk to me and I’m pretty sure he told me he was feeling well. His doctor was amazed that he made it through the night and honestly doesn’t know what to tell us. He said tomorrow if things are the same, he will have to go back in and remove some of the things he packed in his abdomen to put pressure on the area. Basically at this point, we are taking it hour by hour. We really don’t know if he has much more time with us. He does not appear to be suffering as he is smiling at us when he visits and trying to talk to us. The fact he has lived through any of this is amazing and we just aren’t sure if our family is going to get anymore miracles. So for those of you keeping up with his journey and praying for him please keep us in your prayers. I am praying for God’s will to be done and for us to have peace and comfort no matter what that means and for it to be abundantly clear.

6 of my favorite things (baby/child/cloth diaper themed)

2009-09-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

Molly's Bottoms
Roo-bugs

Gymboree
Dr Bronner's Baby Mild Soap
Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion
Hyland's Teething tablets

Molly Bottoms are seriously the most beautifully crafted hand knit diaper covers (shorties, longies, skirties) I've ever seen! We are fortunate enough to have a few pairs and will hopefully add a few more to our stash within the next month or so! The best thing is that Denise (the mommy/knitter) is awesome! She is seriously one of the coolest chicks I know!

Roo-bugs are definitely the squishiest diapers we own. I just want to roll around in them...LOL. They fit awesome and are very absorbant. And on top of that, the mommy behind them, Gina, is another awesome chicky!

Gymboree probably doesn't need any explanation. I love the play sets. Good quality clothing that stays in style for a long time. Probably some of our most durable and loved baby and children's clothing. And you can get superb deals on their stuff (which is the only way I buy it). I have no issues with buying used Gymbo either because of the quality.

Dr Bronner's Baby Mild Soap is hands down the only soap that will touch my children's body. It doesn't have nasty toxic chemicals in it. It scores 2 on the cosmetic data base and seriously leaves my children squeaky clean and smelling heavenly! We LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion is my favorite because a little goes a long way and it smells nice. Now this doesn't score quite as low on the cosmetic database (4 out of 10) but we don't use it every night either.

Hyland's Teething Tablets are my favorite because they work for us and they are homeopathic! Can't beat that :)

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

Here is my first attempt at Wordless Wednesday......

There ya go....disgusting, I know!

Motivate Me Monday - Random Domestic Duties

2009-09-21T10:54:00.002-04:00

So today is my first day of blogging with my new themes :) So on MMM (Motivate Me Monday's) I will write about what I want to get accomplished and then update later that night.

Must Do:
Prep dinner for crock pot (Italian Sausages with Pepper & Rotini)
Clean Kitchen
Clean Living Room
Clean both bathrooms
Clean Master Bedroom
Call CSAS admission office
Call doctor's about lap-band adjustment self-pay pricing
Prepare reimbursement forms for FSA
Put Kadie's car seat back together (she threw up in in yesterday)
Mail out custom tie dyes, orders
Run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things
Wash diapers
Dye wool yarn!

Would like to do:
Run to Old Navy to look at a tan peacoat for Kadie and any other sales they might be having
Start working on Kadie's fall closet

Thus far, I have chopped all the ingredients for our dinner and they are now slow-cooking to perfection in the crock pot. I will just have to boil the noodles, bake the bread and prep the salad when dinner time approaches. Hopefully this is good..I think Chris will like it!

While the children are happily watching Yo Gabba Gabba I'm going to tackle the rest of this list, so I will update later.
Update: Well I didn't quite finish my list but I did get quite a lot accomplished.

Here is a picture of dinner - served with salad and bread. It was pretty filling and my kids actually ate it! Chris liked it too! I'm not a huge fan of Italian Sausage but I didn't mind this at all. There was enough for us all to have a serving and for Chris to take it to lunch - plus one more!

I was able to get the kitchen and living room cleaned but never got to tackle the bathrooms or master bedroom. My mom came by for a couple of hours so I was able to run my errands. Here is what I came back to:

This is our playroom. And yes it does get pretty messy during the day, but seriously? Surprisingly it didn't take that long to clean! Some of it infiltrated the living room but was quickly relocated when I got home. And yes, Kadie is talking on a "phone". Harrison is behind the gold chair playing kitchen. And just so you know, that gold chair is older than me :) It belonged to my mom and dad and I begged them for it when we moved.

So I guess you could say my efforts were needed elsewhere! LOL

When I called CSAS I was pleasantly surprised to find out I have the date to submit kindergarten applications wrong! It is not October 3rd but rather October 24th so that means I might get to camp with the crazies!
I'm waiting on some return phone calls with my lap-band adjustment. I discovered it will likely be $250-300 with my current physician and awaiting a call back from another one. Thankfully we can flex it so hopefully I'll get that scheduled soon so I can lose some weight! Still carrying around 20 lbs from K's pregnancy...not cool.

Here are some cute pictures from the day. My son loves to dress up and he pulled out his Halloween costume that he wore at 2 years.

They have so much fun together!

And she is just too cute!

I've got my diapers in the wash right now and I'm prepping my dye to start the yarn tonight so I will wake up to freshly dyed yarn to rinse tomorrow!
Just one more picture before I close. Kadie threw up in her car seat yesterday so I had to wash the cover. So I reassembled everything and put her in it to make sure it looked right.

And just in case you are looking at this picture and thinking her chest clips are not at armpit level or feel compelled to tell me the cover is coming up on the side....I know! Relax, she is just inside and we practice extended rear facing and all other forms of car seat safety :)

Playing with black dye

2009-09-21T00:41:00.003-04:00

I finally decided to try black dye again. My last experience with it was not pleasant. I'm quite pleased with how most things looked after the final wash. I mixed 2 different black dyes to get this color, which for the most part is a true black.

My first dye project for myself with my professional dyes - the heart is a little off centered but doesn't look bad when I wear it

Diaper Cuts for Sugar N Spice Congo

Shirts for Harrison and Kadence - the black in his shirt did not turn out as well

I washed them on 2 hot washes so it is a true black! I'm dyeing wool yarn tomorrow...super excited about that!

Going to try to start blogging regularly

2009-09-21T00:34:00.002-04:00

I always have great intentions and great ideas in my heads but just never do it! So I've decided to be better about it! I'm having trouble sleeping here lately so I might has well make use of my time. So I thought I would work on some theme days to keep me motivated.
Motivate Me Mondays - will write about things I am motivated to do that day
Wordless Wednesdays - got this idea from several friends blogs
Funny Fridays - will tell something funny or post funny picture

I will try to blog in between but I figured having some themes might keep me motivated to write!

Roller Coaster

2009-08-27T15:55:00.003-04:00

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammatical errors.....my brain isn't functioning today

Well to say my life has been a roller coaster ride this past 5 weeks is an understatement. As I wrote in my previous entry, my Daddy had surgery on July 23rd. Really and truly everything seemed to be moving in the right direction. Then on August 11th, I was driving to Harrison's open house for school (mother's day out) and my mom called me and told me Daddy was going back to ICU. She didn't give me many details but told me to go to the open house because everything would be fine. So I started my day out with my biggest worry being when I would sit down to call and wish my sister happy birthday...to this. We rush at the open house and then rush to the hospital. I find out my dad was put on a ventilator and thought to be septic. To top it off, his treating physician is on vacation so a fill-in doctor is taking care of him! How in the heck did this happen? I just spoke to him earlier that day and he was in good spirits...talk about coming out of nowhere!
So here is a daily breakdown of things:
8/11/09 - Back in ICU, vomitting blood, trembly uncontrollably, fever of 105, put on ventilator
8/12/09- we were told his prognosis was grim and he would not make it through the day
8/13/09 - Still hanging in there, WBC going down a bit
8/14/09 - Improving some, writing us notes to communicate, WBC going down a bit, kidneys doing well, the fill in dr said he was encouraged by his "small" progress
8/15/09 - dad is heavily sedated and pretty out of it, WBC still going down, a new fill in dr told us we would not take him home alive and gave some mis information that scared us all
8/16/09- His treating doctor was finally back in town again and reviewed his case. He told us that he could not make any promises but that he didn't see why Daddy can't make a full recovery. His white blood count continues to go down a little each day which means the infection is getting better. His kidneys are functioning on their own. He is still on dialysis to pull off the extra fluid but the plan is to wean him off dialysis this week. He is still on the ventilator and did not tolerate it well when they reduced the oxygen so weaning him off of this is a slow process. Right now it is at 60% oxygen. They took out his AV line. He still has a central line and pic line. His drainage tubes all are slowing down. He was extremely sedated again so he was not responsive to us again. CT Scan will be done Monday or Tuesday to check on is pancreas and any infection in his abdomen. This day was the first day any of us had any real hope since he's been back in ICU.
8/17/09 - I haven't seem him yet this morning but Mom called to tell me that he has some blood coming out of one of his drainage tubes. They are going to do an endoscopy to see where the blood is coming from. The endoscopy is a major risk for him in his current state but they have to locate the source of blood.
8/18/09 -CT Scan revealed necrotic tissue in his abdomen, had surgery that same night to take out necrotic tissue and repaired an erosion in his stomach and his incision was left open..that night he was losing a ton of blood and it was unknown if he would make it through the night. His condition was called DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) google it...it is scary
8/19/09-Daddy was stable and clotting again
8/20/09-WBC way down, scheduled for another procedure to remove necrotic tissue (surgery #3) repaired his stomach again but not much necrosis this time
8/21/09-pretty stable day
8/22/09-Surgery #4, put on contact isolation due to some baceteria in his cultures, tolerated surgery well, taken off of dialysis
8/23/09-he had a rough day in general, vitals not stable, blood loss, etc
8/24/09 - Surgery #5 - repaired stomach again
8/25/09- rough day, bleeding out of control, vitals all over the place
8/26/09- Surgery #6 - total gastrectomy! His whole stomach was removed. Another small part of his pancreas was removed again. The doctor said his stomach just looked awful and rotten and there just wasn't anything worth saving. Rather than attaching his esophagus to his small intestines right now, he has a tube in his esophagus that drains externally and his small intestins are sewn shut. Within 1-6 months he will re-attach them...basically when he is good and stable! On top of this, he has developed MRSA where his AV line was.
So the good new is that he thinks this should resolve the bleeding. There were some big veins that were causing problems from his splenectomy 10 years ago and his stomach had big veins that would just not stop bleeding. The bad news is that if he has uncontrollable bleeding in his esophagus there is nothing they can do surgically. Basically this was the last resort surgically. So we are praying that his esophagus remains healthy. He had an ERCP a week or so prior to this which didn't show anything alarming so we are praying for the best.

So one might ask...can you live without a stomach? Why yes you can! Weird huh? When they re-attach his esophagus to his small intestines he will be able to eat mini meals. He will probably have dumping syndrome and have to avoid surgary foods..kind of like a gastric bypass patient but all in all, he can resume a pretty normal life. Now my dad loves to eat and he loves pies so this may be hard on him but we will deal with that when we get there.

So for those of you praying and keeping up on him....he was doing well today. No alarming blood loss and vital signs all look pretty stable. He will obviously have a super long road of recovery ahead. You can pray specifically for the following things:
*healing of the staph infection (MRSA)
*a healthy esophagus with no bleeding
*post surgical healing
*pancreas to continue to heal
*weaning him off the ventilator to go smoothly
*wisdom for his surgeon, infectious disease specialist and his nurses

So that is where we are right now. I'm praying that the roller coaster ride will slow down!

My Hero...not invincible after all!

2009-08-03T23:03:00.003-04:00

I will never forget July 21, 2009. This is the day I found out my dad had cancer. Let me back up to how this all happened.

First of all my dad is 71 years old. He takes really good care of himself. Tries to watch what he eats and takes daily walks. He was an alcoholic for many years but stopped drinking December 1999.

Around the beginning of June he started feeling sick to his stomach. He thought maybe it was spicy food and chalked it up to developing GERD. He basically felt bad on and off all month and even thought he had a virus, went to the doctor..the whole nine yards. Well on Father's Day he started feeling really sick and then about 1-2 weeks later starting turning yellow with jaundice. His doctor ran Hepatitis tests on him which came back negative. Then he was sent for a gallbladder scan. The doctor said it looked like his gallbladder and referred him to a surgeon. The surgeon took a look at his tests and felt there was more going on and refferred him to an oncology surgeon because they found a tumor in his ampula. The oncology surgeon decides Daddy needs a whipple surgery to remove the tumor which they found to be Stage 1 cancer. His surgeon said because of the location of the tumor, they found it early which is obviously a huge blessing.

Where we are right now....
Well obviously we have no idea if the cancer will come back. He will more than likely need chemo/radiation after recovery. He has been in the hopsital for just over a week and will hopefully be discharged by the end of this week. He is on a feeding tube but he started a clear liquid diet this weekend. He is regaining strength every day and has good days and bad days. For the most part, he isn't taking any pain meds. He is getting his days and nights mixed up and having a difficult time sleeping in general. I think he is just ready to be home.

I must say, he has pretty much been seemingly invincible my whole life. I never in a million years thought my dad would get cancer. It just goes to prove that you really never know and you can never prepare yourself for it! To see him so helpless, so vulnerable...it is a sight I never thought I would see. He has always been strong as an ox. Throughout this experience he has proven what a fighter he is and it has really united my sisters. We definitely do well in a crisis. My prayer is that he continues to fight and can finish out his life as a long healthy one.

It is me again..it has been awhile

2009-06-18T22:52:00.002-04:00

Life has been busy and therefore I forget to blog! Since my last thoughts, I now have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Wow! Time flies! Harrison is fully potty trained (finally!) and Kadie is walking! I've been babysitting a lot and therefore not as much time during the day to blog, etc. But rather than catch up on our lives since I lasted posted I came to write my feelings and concerns for my sweet boy. I really don't even know where to start.

Harrison has been a challenge since day 1. Well looking back he was relatively easy from about 2 months until 12 months. So we had a 10 month easy stretch. He started terrible twos early and started the terrorizing threes even earlier. I felt light at the end of the tunnel as we neared his 4th birthday but since he has turned 4 things have been...well simply stated, things have been awful.

He refuses to do anything that his Daddy and I ask/tell him to do. He makes mountains out of molehills on so many things. Meltdowns and tantrums are increasing by the day. His attitude is poor. His little OCD traits are emerging more and he can't control any of his emotions. I often question whether me staying home with him was a good decision because he doesn't seem to be happy.

I feel very convicted about parenting mistakes I've made in the past. Chris and I both do actually. We have been lazy and inconsistent and reactive rather than proactive. We've been trying new things are we are starting to realize all of these issues might be a cry for help. We want to do what is best, not just what is sufficient. I'm about to spend a great deal of time in prayer. I need God to speak to me about what I need to change so that I can be a better Mommy to my sweet boy. Because I know underneath all of the anger in this little guy - there is a sweet boy. That sweet baby with the big blues eyes that can melt my heart. How I love him so! How this sweet angel changed my life and rocked my world. I can't thank God enough for him. I know he is a challenge and keeps me on my toes. Sometimes I question as to why he can't be easy and I get frustrated and angry. But I know deep down inside there is something incredible in his future that he will need this endless amount of strongwill for. He is my little warrior (now if only he didn't have to go at war with me). I will try to post regularly about updates with his behavior and attitude. So if you are reading this...keep us in your thoughs and prayers.

Sometimes I just don't understand why...

2009-04-29T15:01:00.002-04:00

So my husband calls me this morning to inform me that he got out of a meeting at work and the entire company will be taking a 10% decrease in pay effective May 1st...gee thanks for the warning.

I'm trying not to flip out about it but I am . I know God will take care of us but I still worry. I worry because as a one very modest income family this decrease in pay is detrimental to us. Because what we have left over after meeting all of our obligations is not 10% of our monthly income and I really don't know what else we can cut out. We do not live extravagantly by all means. I am trying to brainstorm ways that I can make some extra money but I already do everything I can. I pray that God blesses our garden this year so I can can and freeze a ton of veggies. I'm going to try to revamp our menu to try to decrease our grocery budget which isn't big to begin with. I don't really know what else to cut though.

I know there is a reason for this and I may not understand it and may never understand. I know there are many families that do not have food to eat every day or a house to sleep in. I am blessed to have what we have. I am thankful he still has his job and the pay decrease was not larger but it honestly does not make it any easier to digest at this point.

Just blogging my thoughts

2009-04-08T21:46:00.002-04:00

First of all, our laptop is back. It has been out of commission for just over 2 weeks. We actually didn't send it back until this past Friday and got it back today. HP gave awesome customer service and could not have been faster with the repair. WTG HP! I know my hubby wanted a mac book but I guess this was the next best thing :)

We are about to enter the crazy mode in our life for the next several weeks. This is Holy Week so Chris has been at church more often rehearsing lights for the Easter shindig. Tomorrow I'm going my playgroup which has not met in a month so it will be super nice to see all the ladies and kids. After that we have church for Maundy Thursday. I'm really looking forward to this. I'm learning so much more this year about Lent and Holy Week and it has really put a whole new perspective on Easter. I've always understood Easter but so many new things are unfolding. We had lunch with some church folk today and talked about Holy Week. I learned so much! Chris is off work for Good Friday too! I volunteered to cook Easter dinner for my parents and Chris' parents this year so I'll probably be in the kitchen for a long time Saturday getting things ready and getting my house clean. Our families are coming over right after church to watch the kids hunt eggs and then to eat.

Our anniversary is Tuesday. We will have been married for 8 years! I'm not sure exactly what we are doing but we are going out to eat and Angel will be watching our children. My friend is having a pampered chef party the following night which I'm hoping to make and then Thursday night is my mom's birthday and the women's group meets at church that night. I believe we are going to my mom and dad's Saturday to celebrate mom's birthday. I'll make her a cake since that is not my dad's cup of tea. We are picking up Harrison's swing set finally. I know both of our kids will be so happy to be reunited with the swing set. Oh yeah, my HC store is due to stock during all of this too. I'm mainly going to take custom orders this time.

During all of this I'm planning and preparing for Harrison and Kadie's birthday party. We are having it at our church on May 3rd. I was going to do a carnival theme however Harrison really wanted a Buzz Lightyear theme so I decide to just do a dual themed party since it was so important to Harrison that he had Buzz. I think I've decided on this for Kadie. We might be getting an inflatable. I'm not 100% sure yet. I'm finalizing the birthday invitations tonight. I need to finalize the pictures for the birthday DVD too. I'm making both of the cakes. I'm actually a cake making fool. I'll be making a few cupcakes for Kadie's actual birthday on 5/2 and then both cakes and the smash cake for the party and then cupcakes for Harrison's actually birthday on 5/6. I've been trying to figure out how to make the Buzz cake. I really hate working with fondant but I think I'm going to go that route. I'd love to make one like this or this but I may go more with this but that means I have to do gum paste and I can't remember how to do it! I'm either going to do a flower or butterfly for Kadie. Whichever I choose, it will be in the actual shape of the object. Thank goodness Publix had their cake mix buy one get one free. I stocked up! I'm also thinking about embellishing shirts for them to wear. I can't decide though. I've been trying to decide what to buy them. Harrison said he wanted a big blue robot and this is what he is referring to. Chris looked at them last night and said it really was not that cool and he really didn't think Harrison would like it. I did find him a small one so I'm not sure if we will get the big one yet. I found him a Yoda and Count Dookoo at Toys R Us today when I was getting the smaller Optimus Prime. He LOVES Star Wars. I also got him Madagascar 2 since Target had it on sale for 6.99. Normally we buy him outdoor toys for his birthday but he really doesn't need any. For his first birthday we got him a stand up sandbox table that also has a water table, his swing set for his second birthday and his trampoline for this third birthday. He got a bicycle for Christmas and I just got them an outdoor picnic table. I'm totally stumped because the only thing he says he wants is that stupid transformer. I'm going to get Kadie this stroller. They were sold out when I went to Toys R Us today but I need to check the other one. All of the FP toys are buy one get one free. I'm not sure what else I want to get for her. I have a tendency to go overboard on my kids and I really need to stop because they get so much stuff from all of our family and friends. My mom got them some super cool birthday toys today. Anyway, enough about the birthdays...

The following week for Mother's Day we are going to start a new tradition with my mom, my mother-in-law, myself, Kadie and possibly my sister(s). We are going to the Gallery cafe on Friday before Mother's Day. I LOVE that place! It will be an awesome girly tradition to start!

Then my dad's birthday and my birthday! I want an Ergo baby carrier for my birthday but Chris thinks it is a silly gift so I doubt I will get one :(

During all of this, I'm desperately trying to spring clean, I'm getting rid of all my my outgrown kids things/toys, purging our closets, dressers and attic. We are getting new carpet for the playroom and Kadie's room which I'm extremely excited about. We are shooting for this by the end of May. We have hardwood under our bedroom and hallway carpet so we will likely be pulling up that carpet and refinishing the floors. I'm so excited about all of this because our bedroom is so ugly right now. We have nothing hanging up, white walls and a worn quilt on our bed. I've been putting off decorating it because right now there is green carpet in the room and I didn't want to do anything until we could decide it we were replacing carpet or refinishing the wood. So I get to decide on paint colors and new bedding :) And I will finally be proud of Kadie's room because she has the cutest pink and brown walls with ugly blue carpet. She will be getting a nice neutral beige Berber with specks. And on top of that our house will look uniform. Kadie has blue frieze carpet. The playroom has spotted ugly Berber. And the hallway/master room has green frieze. So UGLY! Harrison has blue carpet but it is newer/nicer and it goes with his room and since his room is the only one upstairs it will be okay to have a different color up there for now. Sadly, we had lived here for almost 6 months now and I really have not done any decorating. Our living room looks fine and the kitchen is okay. But other than that, it is just blah! So after spring cleaning I have got to get my house looking nice. We moved in here at the end of October and we spent November unpacking/settling and then getting ready for Christmas. I've been in a funk up until recently and just have not cared but not I care and I want our house to reflect us and our charm :) Nothing overboard, just want it to be cute.

Chris plowed up a nice spot in the backyard for our garden. We will be planting next weekend. I'm so excited. Walking out into your background and picking food for dinner is magical. I love it!

We've still been praying about where God wants us to go. We just aren't sure if the RV missionary thing is what He wants us to do. Some of the things that have happened recently have led us to believe that maybe it isn't in the plans for now but might be years down the road. I'm mainly trying to pray for it daily and pray that I take all of the open door that God gives us. I'm keeping an open mind and still cleaning/decluttering my house like it is in the plans. I will go wherever He sends us and if that is Chattanooga, Tennessee then so be it.

Last but not least, Kadie has been sleeping in her own bed from 7-10 hours every night since Friday. I forgot what it was like to get sleep! She was nursing every 1-2 hours and was in our bed. She was getting worse every month. I truly do not mind co-sleeping at all but every time I'd move it would wake her up and she'd nurse. It has been really draining me and wearing me not physically and emotionally. She makes up for lost time when she wakes up between 4-6 am. I just take her back to bed with me and she seriously nurses non-stop for a couple of hours. I can deal with it. At least I'm getting consecutive sleep. The first night I did not sleep well because I was so worried about her but it has been getting easier :)

My excited face and more

2009-04-04T19:25:00.010-04:00

This past Monday we had to run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. We told Harrison that he could bring his own money and buy something. He LOVES buying things with his own money and we let him do so every couple of months. So he had $7.00 in his wallet and was ready to go. As Chris was strapping him into his car seat he asked him if he was excited. Harrison's reply - "Yes I'm excited. Look at my face!"

Here is a re-enactment of the excited face.

The re-enactment was done on Friday morning over breakfast. This was actually quite comical. Harrison was eating his typical breakfast (oatmeal, raisins, bananas, fruit mix, and cottage cheese). He had gotten in our bed the night before around 12-1 am. I asked him why he got in our bed and he said there were monsters in his room (Mr Waternoose from Monsters Inc specifically- so he needed to sleep with us) and he proceeded to show me the mean face he gave the monster. And according to him, he had already taken care of the monster and was no longer scared but still felt the need to join us in bed. Then he gave me his sweet boy face, which still to this day melts my heart :)

A beautiful spring day!

2009-03-20T14:28:00.002-04:00

We had a great time playing outside yesterday. We spent over an hour just hanging out in the back yard. Harrison wasn't feel well but it didn't keep him from jumping on the trampoline and blowing lots and lots of bubbles. My children ADORE bubbles. You can't blame them - bubbles make me smile too. Kadie's loves balls and she says "ball" over and over as she is patting it and holding it. So cute! I am so thankful I am able to enjoy these special memories with my children!

Are we nuts?

2009-03-17T01:09:00.003-04:00

OK, so today, Chris and I are on our way to mom and dad's house. My sister and her family are visiting through Wednesday and staying with my parents. Today was also the launch of my etsy store and my store on the hyena cart congo. They HC congo was a wise move business wise. I am a member of a huge cloth diapering group on cafemom (where the congo originated) so there were lots of hits on the HC store. I didn't put a ton of money investment wise into this venture so if it flops it isn't a huge deal and I had fun doing it. We will see.

Anyway, back to my point. So on the way to mom and dad's the four of us are in our car. Harrison was chillin' and being well behaved and Kadie was chewing on her sock monkey. Chris and I have some of our best conversations in the car. I looked back at H man and he gave me that precious little smile so I was thinking to myself how good he was being. (He had been a terror all morning due to lack of sleep and not feeling well). I told Chris sort of jokingly but not really - we should just get rid of all of our stuff, pack up and live in a RV and travel the country. We have our best moments on the road...really and truly. He chuckled and agreed. I am being serious Chris. So we sort of toss around the idea. At first I'm like...I can tie dye and we can travel to hippie festivals and set up vendor stands, etc. And you (Chris) can figure out something to do with all of your production/videography/photography experience. We could do it. Think about how easy and simplistic our life would be. We would have to become minimalists simply due to lack of space -which appeals to us but we really struggle with it. We would have so much more time to worship God, enjoy each other and our kids. We are very nature oriented people...some might say tree huggers....whatever. I feel at peace and feel God's presence when I'm outside in His wonderous creations. Chris does too. Both of our kids do actually.

So we've been hashing this out all day and night long into the wee hours of the morning. At first it seemed sort of far fetched and crazy but as we continued talking about it we found ourselves feeling mission bound. Here is the deal. I have always (well at least since I was 16) felt called to the mission field but I never can see how it fits in my life. Chris really was not/has not been on the same page until recently. I'd pick up and move to Africa in a heartbeat..he isn't quite there yet. Maybe Africa is not in our future. However we could totally see ourselves being traveling missionaries in the USA.

So where do we go from here? I think both of us feel a strong urge from God that this just isn't a whim. I mean first of all we are in a sense giving up (at least temporarily) on the American dream of having the house with the picket fence and 2.5 kids, nice cars, boat, etc. Some days I care about that but most days I don't. It is just stuff. You can't take stuff with you when you die. How can I possibly sit at home wasting my time with all of this stuff when there are people in this world that don't know about the love of Christ. I mean when I look at it that way, I wonder why we aren't doing something now. We bought a home because we have so much stuff we needed a bigger place to put all of it. Our plans involve saving money so that we can update stuff and change stuff around and eventually sell this house to get a bigger house to put more stuff inside...see where I'm going with this. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with the American dream and the stuff. But we aren't those people. At least at this point in our lives we are not those people.

Ok so reality check. What in the world would we do? I mean we'd have to get rid of most of our stuff and store the stuff we can't part with. That would be no easy task but we could do it. We'd need to boost up our savings a bit. We'd have to figure out how to support ourselves and figure out our target mission field. Would we actually be missionaries? If so, I don't even know where to start. Is there a such thing as a traveling missionary/gypsy family in a RV? Well sure there is. With God the possibilities are endless. How would we pay the bills each month (food, insurance, gasoline, cell phones, RV hook up, etc)? We can't afford a RV right now. We looked online and you can actually get a used one for a pretty good price, we are a four household family on a modest income..there is no room for a RV and we don't use debt anymore for the type of thing. Then we would need a different vehicle that would tow a travel trailer. I guess we could sell both vehicles we have now and find something that would work.

So if we worked out all of the logistics above you have to think of our kids and family. First of all even if we were somehow blessed to have a travel trailer it would have to be big enough for all of us to live comfortably. Preferably with the master bed and the bunk beds. Where would our kids keep their toys? Would we kill each other? We figured we'd try to travel so that we were very seldom in inclimate weather and could spend as much time as possible outdoors. We'd obviously have to homeschool and that is fine with me. But as a travler, do your kids make friends? Who do they play with? Do they resent you forever for robbing them of a normal childhood? But then again are we a "normal" family? If we are following God's will, then does all of this sort of pan out? I mean I have faith but I've never taken a leap quite this big. And back to the stuff thing. I mean we'd have to keep our personal belongings down to a minimum in order to live comfortably. No more trips to Target just to browse and buy stuff we think is cool. No more collecting, Oh yeah, and we could not have a garden. That would suck.

My mind could go all night and probably will. I honestly haven't felt this excited and passionate about anything in awhile. I'm also scared. Scared of the unknown. But I'm also peaceful...does that even make sense? I'm peaceful that God will provide no matter what.

So for those of you that are reading this...some of you that know us well may not really be surprised. But seriously keep us in your prayers. We can't let this be a fleeting thought. I feel it was Dinvinely inspired. We constantly feel like we aren't doing what we should be doing for God. We need prayers for direction and lots of open doors. Prayers that we can find a RV and a vehicle to tow it. Prayers that we can target our mission field and prayers that we can make a modest living that will provide for basic needs. Prayers that we stay focused on truly following the will of God. Prayers that if this is meant to be that we will take advantage of the open doors that God gives us and that things will basically fall into place. Prayers that if we do this, we can get rid of the stuff, sell our house and the logistics of everything fall into place.

I can't get rid of the passion inside of me. There are people out in the world right now that feel hopeless and alone. There are hurting men, women, boys and girls. They don't know how powerful the embrace of a loving, fearful, sovereign God can be. They don't know that you don't have to be scared at night. They don't know that you don't have to worry about tomorrow because God will provide. They don't know that we have been given an awesome gift of salvation and exactly what Jesus did for us. I have to tell them!

General Updates

2009-03-09T01:40:00.002-04:00

Kadie has been doing so many new and exciting things lately. She started crawling in January and cut tooth #3 and #4. Also since January she has lost the ability to go to sleep on her own and rarely sleeps in her crib at all anymore. In fact, she rarely sleeps anymore. In February she started pulling up on everything and signing milk. Just over the past few days she has mastered signing hi, bye, more and eat and said ball. We also figured out that she calls Harrison "Ha". She will usually crawl around yelling "Ha" when she can't find him. Super cute! She is quite loud..we thought she might be our quiet one but so far 2 for 2 on the loud factor. She is feisty, temperamental and a sweet pea. She is still nursing A LOT. I actually lose count..I just know she does it a lot. She also likes to nurse in really bizarre positions (like while trying to do a headstand). This is particularly uncomfortable for me. She is working on 4 more teeth right now and I'm really hoping they will be through soon. She LOVES to eat. She is such a tiny little peanut but this child eats non-stop. She eats more than her brother which on some days is not saying much.

Harrison has returned to his obsession of Toy Story and Buzz Lightyear especially. He goes through phases where he eats, sleeps and breathes Buzz. Quite frankly, I'm ready to toss Buzz out the window when he isn't looking. And he really likes for you to act out scenes from the movie..especially the fight scene with Buzz and Zurg (Toy Story 2). And if you don't recite it word for word he makes you start from scratch. It has really lost its appeal. His behavior (well up until this week) has drastically improved. I think we are seeing light at the end of the tunnel of this third year that no one warned me about. Potty training...most days the pee thing still goes relatively well but he still refuses to poop in the potty. *sigh* He is still super smart and amazes me with his linguistic abilities. He is also at this really fun story telling age. I love to listen to his day through his 3 year old view point. I'm really looking forward to this next year.

I am taking a small venture and I'm going to try to sell some of my tie dye creations. One of my cafe mom groups (cuties with cloth booties) is starting up a congo on hyena cart for all of the creative talent in the group. I'm going to put up a store in the congo and open up an etsy store. I'll probably put some of my hair clips and legwarmers as well. Wish me luck! I'm nervous and excited. If it doesn't turn out well, expect lots of tie dyed things for gifts this year.

a hotdog...oh my!

2009-03-09T01:37:00.002-04:00

So I'm laying in bed nursing Kadie down for a nap. Harrison is in the shower and Chris is in the kitchen on the computer. Suddenly I hear, "Hey, my pee pee looks like a hot dog!" Chris checks on him before I do and finds out exactly what he is talking about. Yep, you guessed it, he is in the shower checking his "hotdog" out. Oh dear...

Extending breastfeeding

2008-12-14T16:19:00.002-05:00

Extended breastfeeding...breastfeeding a baby beyond one year of age. Why would one do such a thing? I breastfed Harrison for 14 months and plan on letting Kadie determine when she wants to stop. This is actually a very common to nurse beyond age one everywhere else but the US. I stopped breasfeeding Harrison mainly due to social pressure which was silly. By the time they are one year of age, most kids get a large portion of their nutrition from solid food but breast milk still provides calories, valuable immunities, vitamins and enzymes. Studies do show that BFing toddlers get sick less than their peers.

During those toddler years your little one becomes so independent so extended BFing can be great for reassurance and emotional support. It will foster independence rather than making them clingy or overly dependent as well intended bystanders may say.

In our culture we tend to push kids to grow up to fast and do not let them be babies for long enough. If you sit in a room full of moms with babies the same age, you will observe the conversation of what all milestones your baby has reached.Why do we push these sweet little ones to grow up so fast? They are only little for such a short period of time, enjoy it, savor it, treasure it because they will be some of the fondest memories you have!

Studies show that forcing a child to wean before he/she is ready developmentally can contribute to a more clingy child.

Ok so there are also countless studies on how good breastfeeding is for you baby. I'll hi-light them:

Risk of illness lowered: diabetes, heart disease, and central nervous system degenerative disorders (such as multiple sclerosis) to name a few

The longer a baby nurses, the smarter the child is to become: the brain triples in size during the first two years of life - breast fed babies get the smart fats (DHA) which are uniqure to breast milk and cannot be duplicated.

Healthier in general over lifespan

Leaner bodies/less risk of obesity

Improved vision

Better hearing due to less ear infections

Dental health due natural suckign action which helps new teeth align properly

Breastmilk contains IGA which coats the lining of intestines and keeps germs from penetrating so it helps the immune system.

Less digestive problems

Smoother/supple skin

The World Health Organization (WHO) officially recommends mothers breastfeed until three years of age. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends mothers should breastfeed "at least until one year of age and then as long as baby and mother mutually want to.

Here is something cool I read in one of my Mothering magazines:

Breastfed toddlers get complete nutrition
Research shows that the fat and energy content of breastmilk actually increases after the first year.⁸ Breastmilk adapts to a toddler's developing system, providing exactly the right amount of nutrition at exactly the right time.⁹ In fact, research shows that between the ages of 12 and 24 months, 448 milliliters of a mother's milk provide these percentages of the following minimum daily requirements:

Energy 29%
Folate 76%
Protein 43%
Vitamin B12 94%
Calcium 36%
Vitamin C 60%¹⁰
Vitamin A 75%

Benefits for mama:

Emotional well being due to release of prolaction and oxytocin and endorphins

Reduces risks of ovarian, uterine and breast cancer and even diabetes or rheumatoid arthritis

I can be a natural birth control for some women due to absence of menstruation (not me!)

I've got a bunch of more info to add but my family is being needy right now

Here are some links:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBextended.html
http://www.parenting.com/article/Baby/Feeding/Ask-Dr.-Sears-Extended-Breastfeeding----Handling-the-Criticism
http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/breastfeeding/extended-breastfeeding.html

Car Seat Safety

2008-12-14T15:51:00.003-05:00

This post is really just for my benefit but anyone is welcome to read it and learn from it! I found this information from a group I'm in on cafemom.

Car crashers are the #2 killer of babies under 1 year of age and the #1 killer of kids 1-14.

If you are like me you turned your baby around at one year of age. I will even admit we turned Harrison around before that because he was 20 lbs, really long and his pediatrician said his neck was strong enough to forward face. Bottom line is the absolute bare minimum is 1 year and 20 lbs. The best thing to do is to keep your baby rear facing as long as possible. The AAP recomends keeping them rear facing until the weight limits of the car seat (between 30-35 lbs depending on the model). Most states have laws in place that say your baby has to be rear facing until 1 year and 20 lbs so if you doctor gives it the okay before age one, your doctor is wrong!

Why is it a big deal? Young children, no matter how strong, advanced, developed are still growing and developing. Forward facing can cause broken cervical vertebrae. Christopher Reeves is an example of someone with a C-spine injury.

Quoting source from cafemom carseat group:

"When a child is in a frontal, head on 35mph crash and their car seat is NOT tethered and they are using a 5 point harness, they will go forward 32". When their seat is tethered, a child will be thrown forward 28". It is imperative that families recognize the NEED to keep their children rear facing for as long as possible."

Here are several links to support keeping your child rear facing for as long as possible.

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/c...trics;109/3/550
http://www.carseat.org/Resources/633.pdf
http://www.cpsafety.com/articles/stayrearfacing.aspx
http://www.car-safety.org/rearface.html
http://www.cpsafety.com/articles/RFAlbum.aspx
http://www.thecarseatlady.com/car_seats/re...cing_seats.html
http://myangelsaliandpeanut.tripod.com/id5.html
http://momtoaliandshae.tripod.com/keepingkidssafeinthecar/
http://www.aap.org/family/carseatguide.htm
http://www.aap.org/family/1to2yrs.htm
http://www.aap.org/advocacy/releases/travelsafetytips.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRP7ynNI8mI
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9916868
http://www.carseatsite.com/rear-face_article.htm

Here's an article reinforcing WHY Rear facing is BEST
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4144421a10.html

Here are a few crash test links to show you the difference in rear facing vs forward facing:

http://www.oeamtc.at/netautor/html_seiten/...icosipriori.mpg
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rsqE-uOtMM4&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K62Ea8Fs4ng...related&search=

Here is a crash test of a 12 month old RFing
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v163/jen_nah/carseats/?action=view¤t=video06A_MGA_213_RearFace-Convertib.flv

Then, here is the SAME 12 month old FFing
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v163/jen_nah/carseats/?action=view¤t=video06B_MGA_213_ForwardFace-Conver.flv

So you may be reading this and thinking - my baby is uncomfortable rear facing. We can't see them or they can't see anything. If your baby is still rearfacing, he/she doesn't know any different! And kids that are extended rear facing are comfortable and do not complain about bending their legs. It is only uncomfortable for any adult. In fact most kids are more uncomfortable with their legs dangling over the edge of a forward facing seat. A child is too tall to rear face when their head is 1" below the top of the shell of the seat in most seats. Research also shows no documented cases of a child's legs being broken in a crash where he/she was extended rearfacing but their is a ton of documentation showing spinal injuries in kids who were forward facing.

42% of accidents occur in rural settings. 25% of them occur within 5 minutes of your home.

Autopsy reports have shown that children under 2 years old are at 4 times the risk of Internal Decapitation when forward facing. What is Internal Decapitation??

Wikipedia says this:
Internal decapitation, atlantooccipital dislocation, describes the rare process by which the skull separates from the spinal column during severe head injury. This injury is nearly always fatal, since it usually involves nerve damage or severance of the spinal cord. Hanging relies on allowing the subject to break their neck under their own weight.

Here is a lady that actually survived Internal Decapitation http://youtube.com/watch?v=PWmJ1m3Jvhc&mode=related&search=

So, as you can tell, it has ZERO to do with neck STRENGTH.

Did you know that if YOU are in a 30mph, one vehicle accident and your child weighs 20lbs, they turn into 600lbs of force. THAT is a LOT of force for a child.

Consider this: A car going 40mph would hit a tree with the same force as hitting the ground after falling off a 50 foot cliff. A person inside the car would hit the windshield (unrestrained, of course) with the same force as hitting the ground after a fall from a five-story building.

Another thing to know is that when a child is RFing, the BACK of their carseat--the part that goes behind their back and head--take the brunt of the crash force. In a FF car seat, the CHILD takes the brunt of the crash force.

This shows spine development. You can see how the spine doesn't fuse together until they are quite older.

This diagram shows you how "top heavy" children are and how disproportioned they are.

So what does this mean to me? My baby will be extending rear facing. She will NOT be turned around at one year of age. My son is back in a 5 point harness (I had stupidly put him in a lap positioner booster for a few months) and will likely continue harnessing beyond 4 years of age.

Please take a minute to read about Joel if you haven't heard of him
http://www.joelsjourney.org/index.html

I know some people may think...well we haven't had a car accident or haven't had one in a long time so my child will be safe. Or may think nothing like this could happen to you. Maybe you will never be in an accident while your kids are small but isn't it worth the extra precaution to keep them safe?I know for me it is worth it knowing that I'm doing everything in my power to keep my kids safe!

I'm a swimming guy

2008-11-19T09:22:00.003-05:00

he has spiderman slippers on in case you can't see them - this was his own "costune" idea!

Movie Night and Monkey Mix

2008-11-14T23:37:00.002-05:00

Well all of us in this house are Jon and Kate plus 8 fans...we tivo it. So the movie night and the monkey mix were not my ideas. We had our first official Family Movie Night and I made some Monkey Mix. Chris and I really enjoyed the Monkey Mix. I enjoyed my two beers after the snack even more. We watched The Clone Wars and it was pretty cool. I could see my dear husband's eyes lighting up thinking of when Harrison starts getting into all of the Star Wars toys. They each have their own light saber (the cheap ones) so I imagine the next time we watch this they will fight. Kadie enjoyed it after she had her booby fix. She sat in my lap while sucking her 2 favorite fingers and kept looking up and smiling at me. It really is a precious face too...a little upside down face looking up and smiling around her fingers. Ooh, I love that face. Did I mention that Chris built a fire so that we could enjoy a nice fire while watching our movie. I really think this will be a fun tradition to start. Harrison and I had to run to the store between dinner and the movie to get the stuff to make the Monkey Mix. I'm already looking forward to next Friday. I'm thinking we will end up with Kung Fu Panda or Wall-E. Maybe Chris will stay awake for the entire movie next time!

Monkey Mix
Prep Time:15 min
Start to Finish:15 min
Makes:18 servings (1/2 cup each)

Ingredients:
9 cups Chex® cereal (any variety)
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup butter or margarine
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar

Preparation Directions:
1. Into large bowl, measure cereal; set aside.
2. In 1-quart microwavable bowl, stir together chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter. Microwave uncovered on High 1 minute; stir. Microwave about 30 seconds longer or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla. Pour mixture over cereal, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into 2-gallon resealable food-storage plastic bag.
3. Add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.

Stove-Top Directions: Into large bowl, measure cereal; set aside. In 1-quart saucepan, heat chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter over low heat, stirring frequently, until melted. Remove from heat; stir in vanilla. Pour mixture over cereal, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into 2-gallon resealable food-storage plastic bag. Add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.

One funny little dude

2008-11-14T23:12:00.002-05:00

I've compiled a list of all of the most recent funny things my son says or does. Here goes....

We tivoed Madagascar back in August for H-Dawg. It was on ABC (channel 9). There is a little promo/jingle thing at the beginning and the guys sings in a whiny annoying voice "On news channel 9 dot cooom"). So one day Harrison is sitting down to watching it and I'm sitting there enjoying my coffee and the peace that comes when he first gets engrossed in a movie and he sings in the whiniest, raspiest/growliest voice..."in news channel dot coooom") I'm fairly certain I spit out my coffee. Now it may not seem that funny while reading this but come to our house, watch the jingle I'm talking about and then listen to my son. You will laugh your butt off.

Every day I hear "The dog is looking at me". Up until like 2 days ago, Harrison's seat at our kitchen table had a direct view of where we keep Gracie's dog food. And being a bag of dog food, there is a picture of this perky golden retriever on the bag. Well this dog really bothers Harrison. Every day when he sits down for a meal he makes a comment about how he wants this dog to stop staring at him and asks me to make it go away. I'll distract him and he will start chomping down on his meal and then halfway into it he will freak out about this stupid dog again. And as I'm typing this out, I think I figured out why he suddenly took over his Daddy's chair. Ah yes, it all makes perfect sense now. Oh yeah and just in case you decide to offer advice about turning the bag of dog food around so the dog doesn't look at him - it has dogs on both sides. I bought a new brand tonight...I think we've got a dog less side now.

Harrison and Chris love to talk about cool guys (like robots, guys with swords, super heroes, etc). Well Harrison has coined a phrase and we all do it now. Whenever he sees one of these aforementioned cool things he will say in a really deep surfer dude voice "Check these guys out." and sometimes following will be "Cool huh?" He especially loves to find pictures in sales ads to show Chris so he can say it. Now with all of the Christmas toy ads in the papers he is going crazy. This past Sunday I think I heard "check this guy out" about 53 times. It brings a smile to my face every time he says it.

Harrison has somewhat of a photographic memory. The kid really is a genius but that is another blog in itself. He has memorized by the book "are you my mother?" only he says "are you my mudder?" Freakin' hilarious! Are you my mudder the baby bird said. No, I am not your mudder said the cow. The book says mother a lot. I'm thinking at least 20 times and each time he says "mudder"

Indecent Exposure. My son is still mastering the fine art of going to the potty. A couple of weeks ago we were at the library and he tells me that he needs to pee. Well we are in the children's section of the Cleveland Public Library which is in the front left of the building and the bathrooms are in the back right side of the building. Now at home when he needs to potty, he will whip "it" out in whatever room he is standing and start walking to the potty all aimed and ready to go. And believe me...that is an improvement. He used to pull down his pants to his ankles wherever he was standing and waddle to the bathroom with his pants around his knees. So back to the library...we are hurrying as fast as we can. I have Kadie hanging in front of me in my Moby Wrap and we are doing that fast walk/run thing and it really isn't any faster than walking but it makes you feel like you are hurrying. I look down as we are passing the front desk and he has "it" whipped out. I'm mortified. I tell him to pull up his pants. He argues with me, "No, I have to use the potty". I advise him that he can't pull his pants down until we get into the stall as I'm trying to cover his "thing" and I'm looking around to see how many people have noticed. Of course there are about 4 people looking at us. I finally get him covered and we make a mad dash for the potty and the whole time he is trying to whip "it" back out. *sigh*

Expletives!

2008-11-10T09:03:00.007-05:00

Admittedly I have the mouth of a sailor. And yes, I know it is not the nicest trait for a lady to have, especially a Christian lady. It all started about 11 years ago when I tried to play golf. During the summer of 1997 I attempted to play golf. I was horrible...absolutely horrible. I do not have the patience for that game. My last time playing golf, I took it as a sign from God I was not supposed to play because as I was standing somewhere on the green someone forgot to yell "Fore" and I got pelted in the shoulder with a golf ball. Then as I sat down in the golf cart to recover I sat on a bee and it stung my butt. Needless to say, I stopped playing. During the process of learning this game I became a potty mouth. The potty mouth thing continued beyond my golfing days.

So when I'm pregnant with my first baby I know that I have to improve but thankfully they don't notice the words you say for a while. And believe me when I say that I have come a REALLY long way since my babies have entered this world. I still catch myself and when I get mad (usually at poor Chris) they still tend to roll out. But God has given me a cure for this - a 3 1/2 year old sponge that repeats absolutely everything that I say at the most inappropriate times. And some words that don't seem so bad when I say them just don't sound the same when they come out of his mouth.

Harrison's current list of banned words - stupid (compliments of most Disney/Pixar movies), crap (probably both of us), damn (Daddy), dump (Daddy), kill (not sure), frigging (my sister), freakin' (me), dad gum (me), dumb (not sure), butt, pissin' off/tickin' off

The face of innocence

During our first month visiting our current church home (OUMC) Harrison tried out one of his words - damn. He was sitting with us on the pew and the pastor was coming to the close of his message - you know where he gets quiet to make a point - and Harrison dropped his crayon - out it pours - "DAMN". I was mortified! My best friend and her husband were sitting next to us and she is about to fall out of the pew laughing. Only my son....

And you are probably thinking "kill" shouldn't be on the list. Well when your son says that he is going to kill his baby sister or kill the dog you start to understand why this word was added to the list. And I tried not to add it to the list but here's how the conversation went.
Harrison - "I'm going to kill Kadie"
Mommy - "Harrison don't say that word it isn't nice and you really don't understand what it means"
Harrison - "But it is and I do"
Mommy - "Just please stop saying it"
Harrison - "But I want to"
Mommy - "Harrison, it makes God sad when people kill"
Harrison - "But David killed Goliath and that didn't make God sad"
Mommy - (thinking, OK good point) "It is a bad word. Don't say it anymore"

When it comes to this subject, I'm a work in progress. Obviously my son is a constant reminder that others and most importantly my young children see everything I do and hear everything I say. So as funny as it is...and it is funny it - is also a lesson that what we say and do really does matter!

Random thoughts in my head

2008-11-09T23:34:00.004-05:00

First of all I think technologically stupid when I got married. Actually I think it was a gradual progression and 7 1/2 years later, I am officially stupid when it comes to technology. That also applies to putting things together. For example, in my pre-marriage days I could put together any boxed furniture piece, hook up any computer or electronic appliance, mainly T.V. ones. I'm not really sure how it happened. As I sit here and ponder on it, I guess I just let my hubby do those things because he was good at it. Now that he has done it all, I don't have a flippin' clue how to do it anymore. Example - Harrison needs his weekly Disney/Pixar fix so I'm trying to play Monsters Inc. Well of course my dear husband does not think it is a priority during our recent move to hook up our DVD player. Now let me back up, it took me at least 6 months to be able to play the stupid DVD player without calling him and getting detailed instructions (because it was hooked up through the surround sound and something else). So Harrison is whining about wanting to watch his movie and I'm at the breaking point of a mental break down. Normally I'm laid back but when I get to this point I tend to get a bit irrational. So I pop the DVD in and put the TV on "input 2" and the surround sound on "DVD" and nothing..just a black screen. Are you freakin' kidding me? I go through every possible combination and nothing. Meanwhile Harrison is growing more impatient with every grumble under my breath. Finally the call to my husband while he is at work and lucky for him that he answers. So he tells me that it isn't even hooked up...what?!? UGH, so now I have to hook the stupid thing up. I'm fairly certain I just hung up on him and hooked it up in the most elementary way possible. 25 minutes later, he is watching Monsters Inc...come to think of it I believe it was The Incredibles. So back to the point, half the time I can't figure out how to use this new laptop or my camera. I find that incredibly irritating about myself, but not irritating enough that I will actually do something about it.

OK, so my next train of thought...my weight. Anyone that knows me well, knows how badly I've struggled with my weight pretty much my whole life but especially after college. So much so that I had the lap-band surgery in May 2006. I did great with the surgery and lost almost 90 lbs and actually starting getting into some size 10s and then I got pregnant. My horribly cruel lap-band surgeon made me get my band unfilled when I got pregnant and something like 55 disgusting pounds later, out comes a 10 lb baby. Now with my first 10 lb baby, I was back to pre-prego weight and then some by the time he was 6 weeks old. Granted I was 90ish lbs heavier but nonetheless I lost the weight fast. I assumed it was because I breastfed him. So I'm expecting to lose it just as fast this time around because I had another 10 pounder that I was breastfeeding plus I have the lap-band. Fast forward 6 months later, I still have 20 lbs left. But here is the crazy thing, I lost like 30 of it within the first 2 weeks and then gained 10 of it back. I've been struggling losing it despite my efforts of eating in moderation, starving, continuously breastfeeding, one lap-band fill and walking. Ok so for the past 2 weeks I've been consuming my body weight in Brach's pumpkins and other assorted Halloween candy and I've lost 7 lbs. What the heck? So evidently the Halloween candy diet works for me. What really irks me is that I have to weigh in on Friday for my husband's insurance physical and our weight determines our deductible. Unless they use my pre-prego weight I'm up a creek without a paddle. GRR! Why couldn't I have discovered this Halloween candy diet prior to the end of October? Seriously....

So we took a spiritual gifts class today..well yesterday. I was quite surprised by my results. I scored highest in mercy (so poo on you Chris and Rachel). My second highest was words of wisdom (huh?) And I tied on third place with helps, hospitality, intercession, and discernment. By definition they are as follows:
Mercy - empathizes with hurting people; patiently and compassionately walks with people through painful experiences; helps those generally regarded as undeserving or beyond help. (OK, so I can see that one)
Words of Wisdom - Sees simple, practical solutions in the midst of conflict or confusion; gives helpful advice to others facing complicated life situations; helps people take practical action to solve real problems.
Helps - works behind the scenes to support the work of others; finds small things that need to be done and does them without being asked; helps wherever needed, even with routine or mundane tasks.
Hospitality - Meets new people and helps them to feel welcome; entertains guests; opens his or her home to others who need a safe, supportive environment; puts people at ease in unfamiliar surroundings.
Intercession - Continually offers to pray for others; has confidence in the Lord's protection; spends a lot of time praying; is convinced that God moves in direct response to prayer.
Discernment - distinguishes between truth and error, good and evil; accurately judges character; sees through phoniness and deceit; helps others to see rightness or wrongness in life situations.

Now I'm not really sure what I am supposed to do with these gifts yet but there you have them.

I really need to go to bed, but one last group of thoughts. I do believe I have the funniest son on earth. The kid cracks me up. He says and does the most hilarious things without even trying. Of course I can't think of any specific examples right now but I'll try to write about them. Also, I do believe I have the most dramatic children on earth. I mean really - they have secured a future in the performing arts. I'm so NOT a dramatic person and I have not just one, but two of them. *sigh*

The epitomy of parenthood

2008-11-09T22:31:00.002-05:00

Enjoy. This is what it is all about.

weekly update

2008-04-23T11:32:00.002-04:00

So I forgot to update after my 39 week pre-natal check up. Basically nothing...I'm 1cm dilated and my cervix is soft. Next appt is tomorrow. I guess tomorrow will be the deciding factor in whether or not another c/s is scheduled depending on how my body is progressing. We thought I was in labor Monday. I had contractions on and off all day that were anywhere from 7-20 minutes apart. They fizzled out though. I'm hoping they dilated me more. We'll see.....

Latest Baby Update -38 week check up

2008-04-11T12:00:00.004-04:00

I had my 38 week check up yesterday. It was uneventful as usual. The baby is still looking to be in the upper 8 pound range. My BP was 110/78 and no weight gain. Next week I will get another pelvic exam to see if my cervix is softening, ripening, dilating, etc. Send dilation and effacement vibes my way please!

The only day I don't want her to come is 4/14 but that is our wedding anniversary. With my luck, she will come that day. My mom wants her to come on 4/16 and my brother in law wants 4/17 - both of their birthdays.

There is a full moon 4/20....maybe that will be the magical day? I had a pep talk with her this morning telling her I'd really appreciate it if she'd make her appearance over this next week since it would be harder to convince my doctor to let me continue with a VBAC if she stays too much longer. I explained that mommy could take better care of both her and Harrison if I don't have to have her cut out of me. I'm hoping the pep talk did her some good.

I was picking up some things at the store yesterday and the cashier told me that she drank an entire bottle of castor oil mixed with OJ and had her son the next day. Hmm.....

Last night I actually felt like I might have been going into labor. My back just started killing me out of the blue. I had to go lay down with a heating back it hurt so bad. I was having BH contractions pretty consistently for an hour or so but then they went away. I was pretty uncomfortable all night last night. I had lots of pressure in my pelvis and had to pee every hour. Obviously I did not go into labor since it is noon the next day and I'm blogging about it.

Lastly, Harrison was quite a handful yesterday. He was napping when I got home and I woke him up. We played and watched Cars until Chris got home and dinner was ready. From that point forward he was a holy terror. He refused to eat, was super whiny and argumentative. It took forever for him to go to sleep (and he got put to bed during dinner because of his behavior). Then the little stinker got up at 4:30 this morning and played in our bed for nearly 2 hours until he decided to fall back asleep. He actually said some really cute and sweet things during all of that but I can't remember any of them now to save my life. Needless to say he was grouchy when it was time to get ready for school. I'm a ZOMBIE today!

Update on pregnancy # 2 and other stuff

2008-04-07T11:32:00.003-04:00

So much for keeping up with this blog..

It was drama trying to recover my password but low and behold, I have access again.

I will be 38 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. Well Dr Shull has my due date as 4/24 but he isn't right :) Anyway, she is due between 4/22-4/24 but a due date really means nothing right?

Anyway, I'm still pregnant - very pregnant. My belly is hard as a rock and stretched as tight as it will go.

My dr's appts have been uneventful. At my 36 week check up I was tested for Group B Step and my OB did an internal exam. My cervix was still high up and closed at that appointment.

My 37 week check up my Group B Strep came back negative. No more pelvic exams until my 39 week check up. My BP was up a little bit but there was a student nurse who took my BP and she didn't do the cuff right so I don't think it was accurate and my doctor wasn't concerned. Nothing really to report.

I thought she seemed in a hurry to get here but she seems to be changing her mind. I'm still working, albeit miserable, I'm working. I'm over it and pretty useless but I am sitting my desk breathing at work. I look forward to lunch breaks and pee breaks (which are frequent). I thought I might have lost my mucus plug yesterday which doesn't really mean anything if I did.

Nesting comes and goes. I got a lot done last night. Finally got caught up on laundry - just about 2 more loads and I'll be done. Harrison had a pukey stomach bug this weekend so that added about 4 loads of laundry to my already heaping stacks. Our room is ready, we moved our old bedroom suite to storage and rearranged our room. There is a lot more space now and it accommodates Kadie's bassinett much better. Harrison loves it. I think he feels like a king on our bed now. I'm not sure why but he sits in the center of it and just smiles. I've pretty much washed all the baby clothes I'm going to wash at this point since I don't know how big she will be and if she is really a she. I mean our u/s scans show that she is a girl but you never really know until you see them in real life. I think this week I will work on projects like cleaning baseboards and carpets to keep me busy then I will feel like our house is clean enough for a baby. I desparately want to organize my tupperware cabinet and hallway storage but with this giant belly, it really isn't practical. Anyway, I guess I'm at the point where I don't want to go far from home. In fact, I'm content with staying at home until I go into labor, except going to stupid work. Maybe if I look miserable enough on Thursday, he will take me out of work. I think my short term disability will pick up 2 weeks prior to your due date just because. Well, it is time for my lunch break at work. I'll try to update this blog after my next appointment. Peace out.

2007-07-09T16:09:00.000-04:00

Wow - 2 years since we last blogged on this website. Sorry guys! Life is busier than ever with an active toddler running around the house. Harrison turned two in May. He is one active little guy. He has a great vocabulary for his age. He truly talks non-stop. I don't even know how many words he can say but I do know it is quite many! We moved from our house in Chattanooga in January 2006. We live in my parent's basement apartment again. It's a little cramped but we are making it work. It is a blessing to have it. We are able to focus on paying off our debt and once that is gone, we will save a huge down payment for a house. We plan on building our house and it will be the final house we have. We want to build on my parents property because we really enjoy this area now. We have grown to love gardening and all of the things country living allows.

We both missed work today. Harrison was up ALL night long. We woke up about every 1.5-2 hours screaming, crying and thrashing around. This started at 11 when he joined us in bed. We believe he has a stomach virus because of the output in his diaper. Anyway, he is doing better today. He didn't take a nap and won't eat much but he is playing and getting into stuff as usual. I stayed home to take care of him and because I probably had about 2 good hours of sleep last night. Chris mainly stayed at home to catch up on rest. We are house sitting for Chris's parents for the next two nights. Well actually he is house sitting alone tonight and Harrison and I will join him tomorrow. His truck "Mater" is going back in the shop tonight. We took it last week to have a oil leak repaired - nearly $500 and now we are having a radiator leak repaired - which will be around $150. We spend $500 on my car last month for new tires and servicing. I'm tired of car repairs. He will need to replace his cracked windshield and do a small tune up and change his brakes but that can wait until next month. I think Mater will run good after that. I sure hope so! We won't ever make any traction with our debt if we keep having to fix his truck. We only paid $3,000 for it so I guess this is to be expected. It's less than a car payment.

I've spent the past 3 days catching up on scrapbooking Harrison's first year. I'm on week 7 of his life...I guess you can say I'm really behind. It's moving fast considering the amount of pictures we have of him. I'm hoping to have his first year completed by the end of July then I will start his 2nd year. Well, Harrison is ready for me to hang out with him so ta-ta for now. ~Alicia

Our stay at the hospital

2005-07-07T01:41:00.000-04:00

On July 4th about 8:30 pm we took Harrison back to the ER because his lump was really red and he had a temp of 101.2. We took him to TC Thompson's Children's Hospital this time. Upon admisson they immediately took blood and urine samples from our little guy and started an IV. His CBC was 34000 and the doctor told us a normal CBC is 10000. They did a CT scan and x-rays. The ER physician, Dr. Kelly, was great and was very upfront. She gave us the worst case scenario so we knew what we were facing. Basically Harrison had an abcess on his left side on his ribs. They intially thought it might be attached to his spleen and thought his little spleen might need to be removed. Thankfully this was not the case...Dr. Kelly called a surgeon. The surgeon resident thought he saw a small bite on the abcess but wasn't sure. They admitted us to the hospital around 3:30 am on July 5th. Harrison wasn't allowed to eat after 12:30 since he may have needed surgery. They decided to hook him up to IV antibiotics right away. When Dr. Carr, the surgeon saw him on Tuesday morning around 8 am he decided to drain the abcess. They gave Harrison a local anthestic and drained it. It was the most pitiful thing ever. We have never heard him cry like that. Thankfully he was allowed to nurse right after that so he quickly forgot about the pain and was glad to eat after 8 hours. Dr. Carr told us that he would keep an eye on the abcess and it may require surgery. He got a ton of pus out of it. They said we may never know what caused the abcess...maybe a bug bite or maybe where he scratched himself. They sent his blood off to see what kind of bacteria was infecting him. He was monitored all day Tuesday and his temperature went back down to 98.6. On Wednesday morning Dr. Carr looked at his abcess and decided it would need to be surgically debrided/drained so he couldn't eat anymore prior to surgery. They also determined he has a staph infection. I thought that staph infections were caused by being dirty. Evidentally we all have staph bacteria and Harrison's entered inside him or under his skin. Our pediatrician said there is an aggressive strand that causes boils and abcesses so I guess that is what happened. I couldn't hold him at all prior to surgery because he smelled milk and couldn't understand why I wasn't feeding him. He had his surgery at 1:30 pm and it lasted about 30 minutes. When we went to recovery to get him he was pitiful because he was still under anthesia. He looking like a little sleeping angel. He had surgery on his 2 month birthday :( Well his surgery went well and we got to go home about 7pm. He goes back to the surgeon on Friday to has his wound unpacked and then we should be back to normal. The amazing thing about this stay is what a trooper Harrison was. He was so brave and such a good boy. He really didn't cry that much (and he got poked and prodded a lot). I don't know if he could understand any of it but he was such a brave boy. I hate that any of this happened but we are relieved that it was not as serious as it could have been and it brought us closer together as a family. We had a very pleasant experience at the hospital and are thankful for the wonderful doctors and nurses that took such good care of our precious baby. Thank you for all the prayers for our sweet boy.

Scared pt.2

2005-07-04T06:39:00.000-04:00

So everyone knows what's going on with my buddy now. It's my time to add my two cents. I'm with Alicia in that this is one of the scariest things I've gone through in my life. There is a very good possibility that we're totally over-reacting, and if we are GOOD. I'd rather over-react to something like this than under-react. All my life Mother has said, "just wait until you have kids of your own, you will understand". I think the fear we have in our hearts now set's that statement more true than ever, I understand! Knowing that something is wrong with Harrison breaks my heart, knowing there is nothing I personally can do to help him hurts even more.

Back last week when he had a little tummy virus, Alicia took his temp rectally, I stood beside him. I put my finger in his hand and he grabbed a hold tightly. When he shed a tear he was looking into my eyes. I just looked back and said "I know buddy, I'm here and everything is going to be OK". Now, even though he doesn't seem to be in any pain, I can't look him in the eyes and say it will be OK. I don't know. I try not to think about it when I'm around him, because I don't want him to get the vibe that something is wrong.

I know Alicia is having just as tough of time with this as I am. We have talked about it several times a day since we discovered it on Friday. How we wished we had reacted sooner, how we wished it weren't a holiday and we could take him to see Dr. Jones today, how we wished there was something we could do. It helps a little to let her know I'm having the same feelings, but it still doesn't set my heart at ease, nothing will until I know he is going to be OK.

I feel badly that we haven't kept up with this blog any better than we have over the past month. Some days just don't seem long enough for such a thing. However last night when Alicia was really having a tough time dealing with this, I said, "why don't you go write Harrison a letter, so when all of this is behind us, and he is old enough to understand, we can let him know how much we loved him even back when he was two months old." Then I checked our e-mail to find out she put it on the blog. I'm glad she did that, now you can see what we are going through, and if we don't seem like ourselves, this is why. I got to work this morning, and I can't stop thinking about him, about that lump, about Alicia and how much pain she is in.

I know blogs aren't suppose to be structured in any way, but I know this one is poorly written and all over the place, but I had to spill my guts for a while, and I'm glad I have this to do such. Hope you could read this, and it's not too scattered.

Love to all,
CHO

Scared....

2005-07-03T22:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I don't think either one of us has posted in quite a while. Life has been busy since our sweet bundle of joy arrived. He changes so much everyday...it's just amazing. Harrison is smiling and cooing like crazy. My sister Daresa (that lives in Colorado) arrived to TN on 6/23 with her hubbie and 2 girls. Troy left eary and they are staying until 7/8 or so. We have had fun catching up...it's been 2 years since I have seen them. The girls adore Harrison and make quite nice little helpers. Bailey is the "calmer downer" because she can soothe him and make him stop crying. Camryn is the "diaper changer". She helps wipe him and fasten the diaper tabs. It's really cute. So many things have happened in the past few weeks but I am really only here to post about one thing.
Friday morning I was nursing Harrison on my mom and dad's porch. He was only wearing his diaper because he had peed on his PJ's. I noticed a large bump on the left side of his ribcage. I asked my sister if it looked normal. We compared it to her daughter's ribs and concluded that it is probably just his rib but I should ask Dr. Jones about it. So I really didn't think much about it after that. Well that night when Chris picked him up he noticed it. It grew larger throughout the day. We put him on the changing table to exam it and it looked pretty big. So we call Dr. Deb (my sister is a pediatric nurse for our doctor) and described it to her. She says she will look at it tomorrow and if it isn't causing him pain it probably is okay and to make a dr's appt for Tuesday. As far as the pain thing...he is acting just fine. He kind of squirms when you touch it but he squirms when you touch his ribs in general. Well Saturday he was in a wonderful mood....smiling and cooing more than normal so we figured it was okay. I changed his dr's appt from Thursday to Tuesday morning just so we could have peace of mind. Well later on Saturday when we went to my parents house my 2 nurse sisters looked at it and told us to take him to the ER due to its size. So we take him and they do chest x-rays to rule out a fracture. The doctor there told us after 3 x-rays that he has no idea what it is...his guess is a benign mass. He advises us to follow up with our pediatrician on Tuesday for further evaluation and to come back if it grows or seems to cause him pain. He has done fine today...no more crying than normal and doesn't seem to be in pain. It does not appear to be any larger. For some reason my mind is full of worry tonight though. I keep thinking...can babies get cancer? I honestly have never been so scared in all of my life. I cannot wait for Tuesday morning to get here so we can set our minds at ease.

So anyone that reads this post, please pray for our sweet baby boy.

Alicia's 2nd post

2005-06-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

I mainly wanted to post because I am excited about Harrison's weight gain. He gained 7 ounces since last Wednesday. I guess he really did have a growth spurt last week! We had our breastfeeding support group today and went to run errands before going. He slept most of the time. We are also trying something new with him. We were trying to implement the EASY (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You) routine that is taught in the Baby Whisperer book...it was going okay until his growth spurt with the exception of his daytime naps. My sister, Debbie, recommended reading the Baby Wise books. Intially I heard of a girl at work that swears by this book but then I heard some negative feedback on the book so I opted not to read it. A neighborhood mentioned it to me right before I had Harrison so it was back in my mind. I bought Baby Wise and Baby Wise II today. I have almost finished the first one...pretty easy reading. I tend to read a lot while nursing now. We are going to try to implement this routine which is very similar to the EASY routine but slightly more structured. The main difference is that you are told to let the baby cry when you lay him down for a nap for 10-15 minutes before checking on him. Both methods encourage feeding, then activity time...which is usually about 15 minutes for a newborn and then naptime. I think our problem during the day is that we are letting Harrison stay awake for too long and he gets overstimulated and can't fall asleep. By the time we put him down he is so tired and angry that he can't fall asleep. Both methods also stay never to rock a baby to sleep or use other props and that the last waking memory should be of the crib. We have been trying really hard to achieve this but it's really hard to just lay him down sometimes. I tried this with his lastest nap and at bedtime tonight. He cried before his nap and woke up and cried during it but went back to sleep. Tonight he grunted a lot before finally drifting off to dreamland but no tears. I am hoping for a 5 hour stretch of sleep. I tried a similar technique last night and he did pretty well. So hopefully all of this reading/research will pay off and we will have our little one on a good flexible routine that allows him to get his much needed rest..especially during the day. I am looking forward to getting some daytime naps and time to get housework done! Plus I am going back to work in mid July so it will make the transition easier. Well...until next time..I will give an update of Harrison's new schedule.

Memorial Day weekend

2005-05-31T07:39:00.000-04:00

The kind folks at WRCB were generous enough to give me Memorial Day off this year, so we made the most of it. In years past I haven't tried too hard to get off Holiday's, because I'd rather have that time and a half. However, with the arrival of my baby boy and knowing Alicia is home alone with him and his "parrot squawk" as we like to call it, I tried my best to give her one more day of help. Those of you wondering what in the heck the "parrot squawk" is, just wait until you meet him. When he gets mad, he doesn't cry, he squawks like a darn parrot. Just a side story that is funny, a few years ago we vacationed in Florida with my parents and they took us to this cool little joint called harpoon Harry's. Well being an outside establishment, and serving drinks, everything came in a plastic take home cup. Being the keeper of all things, as I am, I kept the cup. When we got back home we realized the harpoon Harry cup had a parrot on the side with a "rrrrrrrrrrawk" in a bubble next to his mouth. So when Harrison cries out we say.."OK, harpoon Harry, that's enough". Funny stuff, well at least being the geeks we are, we think so.

Anyway, enough about the stupid cup, here's a little update on our weekend. Saturday was just a cleaning up day. Harrison was really good that day and it was a good thing, we got several things accomplished. Most of the day was spent cleaning and then we just sat around. There was word of a block party with an outside family movie Saturday night, so around 8 we went on a stroll to seek out the fun. Most of the neighbors haven't met Harrison yet, so we thought what better time than at a gathering. Well, after cruising by several houses, and finally talking to our friends Jay and John, we were informed the fun was for Sunday night, not Saturday. Oh well, it was nice to get out and get some fresh air. While talking to J&J they told us the city had installed a new street light in front of their house, and they haven't been home to see if it works, so as we talked we all kept a good eye on that light. It's amazing what we do for fun these day's! The night ended with us rushing home to feed little guy because he was tired of talking and ready to eat!

Sunday was pretty fun, we drove up the Alicia's parents for the day. Since it's such a drive we usually spend an entire day, eat dinner, and drive home late. It was once again time to celebrate some birthday's. This go 'round it was Alicia's, Fay's, Ashley's, and Harold's time to blow out some candles. A slip up on Debbie's part made for some funny pictures as she picked up the 9 instead of the 6 candle at the store. So Faye was 95 years old on Sunday. I think she ages well! :) Everyone got some good gifts, but Harold got to use his fishing gifts right away as he and Ricky took off to the pond to catch some dinner. I tried my best to stay away, but I couldn't stand the thought of fish being caught and me not being a part of it. So I soon headed down. Harrison and Alicia enjoyed the company of Mandy, Faye, and Debbie as they all sat on the porch and talked girl talk. (Soon enough I'll save you Harrison and you can go fishing with the guys.) Harold caught a nice catfish and after weighing him found out he was 3 3/4 pounds and 21 inches long. Pretty good fish for only two years old. Just as Debbie was calling our names for dinner I caught one myself also weighing 3 3/4 pounds, but measuring 22 inches. But Harold say's we measured ours different, so we'll say they were the same size.

Monday proved to be a sleeping around and enjoying each others company, and remember the men and women who died to allow us to do such. We woke pretty early, but Harrison and I took a nap around noon. Around 2 o'clock Alicia said she would like to go get some food and go buy her new shoes I promised her for her birthday. Rock Creek decided it wasn't a good idea to be open yesterday, so we just concentrated on food. Geez, never knew that would be so hard. Nothing was open...so we ended up at Qdoba with veggy burito's. Afterwards we stoped by Aunt Sue's for some Dog food and to talk to our friends (used to be neighbors) Uneva and Charles Shaw. They are sweet people, and we love stopping in the store to chat or just to pick up some food for one of the animals. Their dog Pilgrim loved to stare at Harrison, but being a good mannered dog he didn't even try to go close to him. As usual the trip abruptly ended with Harrison's patented "rrrrrraawk", so we knew it was time to go home. At home I felt as if I hadn't done a thing on the tool shed in day's and since Alicia and Harrison were wrapped up in feeding, I could take the time to work on the door. After trying to raise the door myself I realized I needed the help of my lovely bride and she happily held the door up as I marked the spots for the hinges. Then she and Harrison retreated to the bed for a nap as I got to work. Around 7 she came back out and said it was time for us to go get some dinner, and I showed her the new attic space I had created in the tool shed. That was something she was really happy to see, since most of our "JUNK" will go there and empty out the house. Just the roofing shingles and hanging the door and that building will be usable. Only painting to go after that. We ended the night at Shogan eating our favorite $1 sushi! YUMMY! This was a special treat since Alicia and I tried it just before she got pregnant, and you aren't allowed to eat it "with child", so she has been craving it for some time.

So overall we had a good weekend, and it's time again to get ready for work. I hope everyone else enjoyed their time as much as I did.

Love to all,
Chris

Alicia's First Entry 5/27/05

2005-05-26T23:45:00.000-04:00

Well it is 11:42pm on Thursday night and this is the first chance I've had to write in this blog thing Chris created. I am pretty tired so I won't write much. This has been a pretty rough week with the baby. Chris was home for the first week and my mom stayed with us the second week. I am on my own this week. Monday wasn't too bad. We made our first trip together and he was pretty good...slept most of the time. I had to feed him between trips to Babies R Us and Target. He pitched a fit in Target also. Tuesday was really bad. He only slept about 1 hour during the day total. Needless to say when Chris got home from work I was a frazzled mess and desperately needed a break (He's crying now...I think Chris is going to check on him). Tuesday seemed like the longest day on earth. Wednesday he was extremely fussy and stayed awake until we took a car ride to the hospital for the breastfeeding support group. He has gained 8 ounces since he was 1 week old! I could hardly get him to stay awake to eat at the support group...go figure. He slept the whole way home. We had my birthday party with his mom's side of the family that evening and he slept almost the whole night there. Something about car rides and being around people that makes this child sleep. Today has been okay. He has taken a few cat naps. I think he has hit his growth spurt today because he wants to eat every hour which is wearing me out. In fact it's been an hour since his last feeding and duty is about to call. Daddy is holding him off right now. I have a feeling tonight is going to be a LONG rough night. Well, I don't even remember what I was going to write next...I am exhausted and ready for bed but I have to feed the little man first. I have no idea when I'll have time to write again....until next time.

Monday night

2005-05-23T23:22:00.000-04:00

Well the worst day of the week is behind me. Today started with Harrison being cranky at 7AM after trying my best to make him happy I handed him over to mommy. Only to be informed that the diaper that I changed at 5AM wasn't even covering his butt. OK OK OK, so I'm not the best diaper changer in the world. However, like some people I haven't been hosed down yet. Is it my keen instinct? Nope, it is probably that the ratio that Alicia changes to the number I change is so much more, it's bound to happen to her more. I know I've set myself up for it a number of times, I just look down and think, "OH NO, please don't start that stuff yet!"

Anyway, I went off to work at my usual time, and the remaining members of the Holbrook family were still sound asleep. My first assignment at work was to stop by a Orchard Knob middle to shoot their 8th grade graduation...why you ask....YOU GOT ME! Well I arrived only to be told it was last Friday...UH O....Somebody goofed. Any way, I worked with Tonisha again, today makes 6 day's in a row. That's fine, I like her, we get along great, and I think we usually work well together and produce good stories. Anyway, if anyone cares, I doubt you do, she and I worked on the closing of two Elementary schools in Chattanooga, and how one had been opened since the 20's and had to be rebuilt after a horrible fire in the 50's. Oh yeah, and the best news from my side of the day is the gift we received from Thom Benson. It's a shirt from Bass Pro Shops that has a big fish on it that say's "my fish", then a little fish that say's "daddy's fish", and below that it say's, "I'm a fast learner". AWESOME! I'm so thankful of the great family and friends we have to give such cool gifts!

Alicia however had a very eventful day with Harrison. After finally being able to drive she was getting cabin fever and they went shopping. The usual Target, Babies-r-us, was on the chore list. Alicia had a horrible ordeal with Target online, so she just decided to cancel her order and buy her breast pump at B.R.U. Good choice since Target online doesn't know when it will ship, and she can buy it off the shelf at BRU. So, when I called at 4PM I heard this HORRIBLE racket in the background, after asking ALI informed me it was the pump. AHH, happiness, now she can get some sleep and I can feed the baby during the night. Other than that, I'm not really sure what those two did all day. (this is where I hope Alicia finds time to enter her stuff, It's all second hand on my part).

Well then tonight was capped off with a visit from our friends Jason and Jennifer, we always enjoy their visits. Tonight J & J brought alicia by a b-day card with a Gift Certificate in it. (always a cool gift!) Then we sat around the kitchen table and talked as Harrison showed everyone how much he enjoy's his kick and play bouncy seat. He didn't as much as whimper after he was fed and put in that thing. It has some flashing lights on it, and the chair itself vibrates...so he's in heaven. During their visit we made the decision to not take him out of the house for a few day's until the hicky he put in his own arm goes away. YES I SAID A HICKY HE PUT ON HIS OWN ARM. The kids nuts when he wants food. Everything is fair game to be sucked. He's tried nursing SEVERAL women, (and men) along with my nose more than once.

Well they are both passed out and waiting on daddy to get everyone in bed...so until next time!

Love to all,
Chris

Alicia's birthday

2005-05-22T18:12:00.000-04:00

Well as I sit here on Sunday, we have had a pretty productive weekend. Saturday we had breakfast with our friends and neighbors John & Jay. After that we helped Angel her yard sale, and only made like 10 dollars. WAHOO! Four of it we spent buying a print and a wall hanging for the house. Not bad and the print, after being framed will be really cute in Harrison's room. Then I went to my cousin Nicole's graduation....man, she is the first person I can actually say "WOW, I feel old, I remember when she was born".

Then today we headed to "wally world" for some cookout goodies and then back home to prepare for Alicia's birthday party with some friends at the park down the street. The party was at 2, and we didn't get home until 5:30 or so. We are pooped...and since Harrison slept most of the party, he's ready to go! After we got in the door and the car unloaded, Alicia fed him, and changed his poopy diaper, he was wide awake and ready to have some mommy and daddy interaction. Last check Alicia was talking to him, as I tried to finish setting this up.

I think I'll bring this first edition to a close and go spend some time with my little buddy. I hope in the future to add more of his little antics, so some of you who don't get the chance to see this little booger will get an idea how cool he really is!

Love to all,
Chris