Smiling, emotions, and other things

Yesterday a lady at church told me how I was always smiling and happy, and how she appreciates it. It made me start thinking about how a smile can really just make someone's day. The truth is, I'm not always smiling and happy and it wasn't until just recently that I started feeling happy again. I've always been the type of person that will smile at a stranger, because you never know what they are going through. And maybe your smile will brighten their day. Even when I'm sad, I will try to smile. Just something I do. But in all honesty, it has taken me awhile to get back here.

The truth is that I've struggled with depression my entire life. It is a constant battle. I started pulling out of it as I got older and found myself. Growing up, I always tried to fit into this mold of someone I was not, which caused a lot of emotional turmoil. I started really finding myself as I entered high school and then even more so during college. And between my 20-30s, I've really grown into my own skin. I think it is definitely a lifelong process, as we are constantly adapting to our life changes. And being a parent has really made me examine myself and my beliefs. The person I have found is not nearly as conservative as I would have imagined myself. And most people see me as a hippie, and I'm okay with it. I guess I've kind of embraced it. It works for me. It feels right. I certainly never imagined myself having 3 children within 5ish years, loving a good beer and living in East Ridge.

What makes me happy is being with people I love. Treating people with the dignity and respect they deserve. I love meeting new people and learning about them. And I have been gifted with the ability to listen. So much so, that I majored in psychology in college. I didn't do anything with it for a career but it is very obviously a gift of mine. Complete strangers in Wal-Mart will tell me their life stories. It doesn't phase me. I just know it is what I'm supposed to do. Chris sees me getting "stuck" listening to people and just smiles, because I'm not getting "stuck". God put me in that person's day because they needed to talk.

So a friend told me about this application that allows you to read your old Facebook posts without scrolling for hours on your own page. After looking through it, I remembered what a dark place I was in and I'm so thankful I'm out of it. It was very hard on me when I lost my father. It is not easy for most people. It really took me a long time to find my happiness. He has been gone for almost 2 years. Part of me feels like that is why we were blessed with Sam. He arrived 5 days before the one year anniversary of Daddy's death. He came at such a sad time in our lives and showed me that it was okay to be happy again. And he is just a happy little dude. It is kind of like God's way of showing me the daily miracles that make life special, and worth getting out of bed for. God knew exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. And honestly, adding Sam to our family hasn't been easy. We were financially not in a great place for a new addition. Our house is too small for our family by materialistic standards. But we are happy and we make it work. And God provides everything we need.

So over the past several months, I've been allowing God to heal my hurt. I'm starting to see life in everything again. I'm starting to appreciate the small things. I am a very blessed person. And one of the big things that has been missing from my life is my creative inspiration. I'm starting to feel inspired again because I feel alive again on the inside. In fact, I have yarn waiting to be dyed this week. When I'm happy, I love to create things. When I'm happy, I listen to music and let it fill my soul. When I'm happy, my children don't annoy me. When I'm happy, I'm forgiving of my husband. When I'm happy, I just love to love. Thank you Jesus for restoring my Joy. And thanks for my smile, which can brighten someone's day.