Well my last real post is a letter to Sam when I was 37 weeks pregnant. This is bittersweet but it has to be done.
On Monday October 11th I felt icky all day. I felt crampy and tired. But honestly, being one day away from my due date and knowing I don’t have babies early or remotely close to my due date, I chalked it up to late pregnancy ickiness. I went to the chiropractor that evening and went through the normal night routine. Around 9 or so that evening I felt compelled to scrub our bathtub with a magic eraser. I went to bed and woke up Tuesday morning sometime between 2-2:30 am I woke up feeling like I just peed on myself so I got up and went to the bathroom. However, I was so out of it I just went back to bed. Then I woke up again around 3 am because I felt the fluid coming out of me. I stood up and felt it coming down my legs. I told Chris to wake up because I thought my water was breaking. Well at this point we were pretty certain it was my water, so I called my midwife to let her know. She agreed that it was my water, and told me make sure I felt the baby moving and go back to sleep because I would need the rest. So it took nearly an hour to get Jelly Bean to cooperate but he finally started moving so I went back bed. Of course I couldn’t sleep a wink because I couldn’t turn my mind off. So Chris went ahead and got a substitute for his class that day. Then we got up around 6:00am to get Harrison ready for school. Chris took Harrison to school while I stayed home with Kadie and got her ready for MDO. I tried to get some rest while he took her to MDO but still couldn’t sleep. We made arrangements for both of our kids to stay with grandparents so I could focus on laboring. My midwife came over around noon to check the baby’s heart beat. I still wasn’t really contracting regularly but just feeling really crampy. The baby’s heartbeat was great and all of my vital signs were perfect. We decided that if by the evening I was having stronger I would start an herbal tincture to strengthen my contractions. Chris and I went on a walk before dinner, which picked things up a bit but they still weren’t strong. Well by 6:30 pm, I started the herbs combined with nipple stimulation and was in bed by 10:30 that night. I slept pretty well that night. Not as long as I would have liked but it was much better than the night before. When I got up for the day around 7am, my contractions were still only every 20ish minutes apart and they weren’t strong. So after talking to my midwife around 7:30 we decided to do a second round of the herbal tincture with castor oil (yuck) and nipple stimulation with lots of walking. So my midwife came back over around noon and checked on me and the baby again - everything was good. At this point my contractions were about every 15 minutes apart. We sat down and had lunch and my contractions starting getting closer together - probably every 5 minutes. She wanted me to go for a CBC test to make sure I wasn’t getting an infection (precautionary since my water had been broken over 24 hours), so we headed back to her house after lunch (less than 5 minutes away) to get the lab order. She also told me to consider acupuncture to help keep my contractions consistent, so we called an acupuncturist and set something up for the afternoon. On the way to the hospital lab I started having intense contractions that were coming every 4 minutes. We got to the hospital lab and they told me it was going to be an hour wait. I explained to the lady that I was in labor and how often I was contracting and she told me they would do what they could but I needed to be patient. Chris called my midwife and told her - she told us to leave and go home and she would come by to check me. So we headed back home. She checked us and everything was still good and I had my first internal exam. I was like 70 percent effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. So we decided to proceed with the acupuncture session. During the course of the day I think I took a dozen showers too since I couldn‘t soak in the bath tub. At one point, during one of my showers I had a bad feeling and felt like I would end up having a c-section. I figured it was me second guessing myself because the contractions were so strong, so I dismissed the thought. The acupuncturist showed up around 4 and worked with me for at least a half an hour. It really helped pick the contractions up again because they had slowed down yet again. She said she’d come back later if we needed it. My midwife came by around 5 to check on us again. We were still doing fine and I was about 90 percent effaced and almost 3 centimeters dilated. She was going to dinner with friends and said she’d be back after dinner to see how things were coming along. My mom, sister and Kadie came by with dinner and to visit. During dinner I had contractions but they weren’t horrible. We visited with them for about an hour and then they took Kadie back home. The acupuncturist came around 7 and did another round. At this point my contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes and were lasting anywhere from 45-60 seconds. I kept pacing the floor and breathing through them. They weren’t horrible but they were fast. I was able to breathe and walk through them. My midwife came back by around 8ish with her midwife friend that was in town visiting. She did the usual BP check and pulled out her Doppler to check Jelly Bean’s heartbeat. When she listened this time, it stopped beating after the contraction. She asked the other midwife…did you hear that? She had me change positions and it happened again. She had me lay on my side and this time the heartbeat disappeared completely and we could not get it.
I should back track a little bit. Over the course of my relationship with my midwife, I built a trust with her. She explained to me that during my labor, if Jelly Bean wasn’t happy she would just tell me he wasn’t happy and we’d try something different. She has very few hospital transports and doesn’t take them lightly so she said, in the event that we need to transport, she would just tell us we need to transport and we needed to go.
So at that time, she said, it is time to go to the hospital. Let’s go now. Well I didn’t have panties or shoes on so I scrambled to get them on. Meanwhile, she is saying to get out of the house now. We need to go. It was raining pretty hard. I’m terrified because at the last check, my baby’s heart was not beating at all. That 3 minute drive to the hospital seemed like an eternity. I don’t even remember what Chris and I talked about. I think we talked about Jelly Bean being dead. And I remember trying really hard to feel him move. He dropped me off at the door so he could park the car. My midwife and her friend walked in with me. We walked straight to labor and delivery. She explained to them what was going on. They were so confused. They couldn’t understand why I hadn’t pre-registered or why I didn’t have an OB or why my water had been broken for nearly 36 hours. So she explained that we needed to get a monitor on quickly so they rush me into a triage room to get a monitor on. I was relieved to hear Jelly Bean’s heartbeat. It was music to my ears. But after every contraction it would completely flat line for what seemed like an eternity. My contractions were still coming about every 2 minutes. Jelly Bean’s heart would stop for close to a minute after each contraction was over. They finally turned the volume down on the monitor because it was just upsetting. When they checked me I was still around 3 cm. Chris got into the room at some point. Again, this part is all really blurry. The nurse that admitted us was pretty ugly to me. I don’t remember everything she said, but basically trying to belittle me for not having an OB or a back up plan. I explained to her that my back up plan was the hospital and my back up OB was to use the on call OB. She told me they didn’t have an on call OB and I would get a hospitalist. Then she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her at this point I didn’t realize it was an option. I told her if my baby could be born safely and vaginally I would opt for that, but I figured it would be a c-section. She left and told me to discuss things with my husband and make a decision. My midwife was in the room with us and I asked her what she would do…she said she was surprised they gave me an option, but that she felt a c-section was necessary to get the baby out. She said I wasn’t far enough in labor to push him out in a hurry. My husband and I agreed and felt this was the best option. A charge nurse comes in and talks to me but I don’t remember the conversation. The mean nurse comes back and says the on call OB will be coming in and I’m getting a c-section. So the anesthesiologist comes in shortly and tells me if possible he will do a spinal but it may be general anesthesia. Then the OB, Dr. Radpour comes in to meet me. He tells the anesthesiologist that if he can get me numb in less than 5 minutes, I can have the spinal. At this point, everything is really blurry. They put the catheter in before I was numb, which really hurt. They rushed me to the OR got me on the table in a hurry. At this point my contractions were really really strong and close together. I had to be still for the spinal and it was so hard and it hurt so bad. Everything went so fast. Chris got to come in once I was numb and laying down. As soon as he knew I was numb he started cutting. I was soo scared. We had no idea what to expect since his heart has stopped beating so much. We didn’t know if he’d be brain damaged or even alive at this point. With my previous 2 c-sections, I don’t remember feeling any pulling or tugging…well maybe really light tugging but I felt lots of pressure and tugging this time…maybe because I wasn’t as numb. Anyway, they got him out fast. They exclaimed that he was a boy and that he was really small. They question me about my last period and if I’m sure about my due date. They said his cord was pretty thin and it was bunched up under his neck. He was crying which was music to my ears to have an alive baby after this huge scare. His apgars were 8 & 9, I believe. He weighed 5 lbs and 15 ounces, over 4 lbs less than Harrison or Kadie. He was 20 inches long. He was born around 9:30pm. Once he was bundled, Chris brought him to me. He was sooo tiny. They got to stay in the room with me for a while and then Chris took him to the nursery. I was supposed to get him in the recovery room to breastfeed him, but evidentially it was a hectic night in the labor and delivery unit and nursery and there were a couple of emergency c-sections, so I didn’t get him. The nurse that watched me in recovery was very sweet and respectful of me and didn’t treat me like a leper for having an attempted homebirth. I finally got taken to our room after about 2 hours. It was nearly 5 hours before I got my sweet tiny little Samuel. I just cried when I held him. He was so tiny and perfect and he was alive. He nursed like a champ from the start. Despite, the scare, he was perfectly healthy and just really small.
Would I attempt a homebirth again? Yes, I would. Do I think homebirths are safe? Yes, I do. I’m really still not a peace about his birth. I really felt like this was going to be the natural birth I dreamed about. There are days I feel betrayed. I still question God. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I just have one birth the way I wanted? I know there must be some reason for it, I just haven’t figured it out yet.
In labor with Sam before the hospital transport.
