Changes all around

I haven't written or updated in a long time, so here goes.

Looking back over a year ago when I started thinking about going to work part-time, I can see that we were being prepared for what is now our reality. My family transitioned really well to my working part-time. Chris and I worked opposite schedules and that really was awful. I don't know how any of my friends do that for extended periods. We knew that our opposite shift thing couldn't work forever and that we were growing tired of that arrangement. After the spring, when we had some foundation work estimated for our house, we realized that we had to figure out something. The repairs needed on our home to get it ready for the market were just too many. Even though we had made great progress with our debt snowball and had built up a little bit of savings, it was just too much. We looked at some financing options, but they just didn't work for us. I threw it out there, working full-time that is, but Chris immediately dismissed it. Now rewind to last fall. There was a full-time job that I was very interested in, but sadly I wasn't considered for it. When we thought it might have been an option, we had already considered how that would impact school for our kids and all of those other things. But needless to say, it didn't work, so we went back to what we were doing. So, I kept throwing it out there to get Chris used to the idea. Then I contacted one of my friends where I used to work to find out if they were hiring anytime soon. She contacted another friend to see what was open, and that friend told me that I needed to apply immediately for my old job. So I didn't have much time to think about it. I filled out the application online and worked on my resume, which needed tons of work and updating. I heard back pretty soon and was asked to do a phone interview. I finished my phone interview right before we went on our big summer vacation. During our vacation I had to do complete some more things to be considered for the job. As soon as we got back from our vacation, we registered our children for school at Daisy. Thankfully, because Chris teaches at SDHS, our kids were eligible to go to Daisy without a hardship. Just a few days later we went for our annual 4th of July trip to visit my sister outside of Memphis. I heard back from while we were gone that I was getting a second interview. I had my second interview as soon as we got back from visiting my sister. Then the waiting game started and I started processing what had all happened so quickly. I found out about a week or so later that I had be re-hired. I forgot to mention that we moved back into our old house during all of this.

So just in case that was muddled....here are all of the changes.

1. I am leaving my part-time evening job and going back to working full-time during the day.
2. We are no longer home-schooling. Our kids are all going to be in school all day long.
3. We moved back into our old house, so we could renovate it over the next year.

I' m a delayed processor so all of this really didn't hit me until early August. Of course, I started to freak out questioning whether or not we made the right decision. Then I had some very dear friends remind me of how absolutely perfectly everything fell into place. And not to be a negative Nelly, but rarely does anything fall into place like this for us. So we definitely feel we are on the right path.

We started the process of moving back into our house on July 17th. It took a couple of weeks though. Chris started back to school on August 6th, which was also my last day at GCC. Sam also started daycare that same day. The older two kids started school on August 13th. My job started on August 17th. We also found out on August 14th, that Sam was accepted into Pre-K at Daisy. He had a couple of phase-in days and then started full-time on August 28th. It was good move for him because he was the oldest by 2 years in daycare, so now he is with more kids his own age. He doesn't love it, but he also doesn't hate it. 

So  I sit here after my first month following all of these changes.  I'm exhausted right now. I'm still processing all of these changes. We are all actually really tired. I can also see that we are going to need to revamp our after-school/extracurricular activities. This is all still very new and we are all still transitioning. We are definitely used to having more freedom and flexibility in our schedule.

Here's the good stuff.
1. All of the children have made friends and they did so very quickly. The older kids both have some "best friends."
2. Chris is nearby the kids at school. He has a student walking them over there each morning and he picks them up in the afternoons.
4. I am alone in my van every day. People, this hasn't happened regularly in over 7 years. I can listen to whatever music I want. I can ride in complete silence. I can listen to Harry Potter audio books without interruption. It's pretty amazing.
5. I am around adults again. I'm enjoying getting to know my new coworkers and making new friends. 
6. I have a full-time income again!
7. We will start renovating this house very soon. Our foundation repair starts the first week of October and then everything else will follow suit.

Here's where we need prayers.
1. Harrison is doing well in school, but time at home is rough because he holds it together at school all day. Therefore, he unleashes the beast on us.
2. Time management in general.
3. Sam adjusting to Pre-K.
4. Some upcoming medical things for Kadie, which I will post about at a later time.
5. Chris transitioning to being with our children a whole lot more.
6. Time to do all of the renovating. Our goal is to have this house ready for the market by late spring/early summer.
7. For me not to feel guilt about going back to work and accepting this was a good move for our family.

Today, Sam missed school because he was sick. In the past, other than illness being inconvenient and hard on our kids, it wasn't a huge deal. It always fell on me and that was okay. I'm still in training and I can't take off time, so Chris had to stay with him and take him to the doctor. That was really hard for me today. I've always been the primary caregiver, so this is a definite change in gears. It was difficult. Really difficult. 

I'm also very thankful. I'm thankful that the older children LOVE school. I'm thankful that everything at my job is coming back super quickly. I'm thankful for the love and support we have received during all of these transitions. I'm thankful for the peacefulness that I feel knowing that everything is going to be alright. 

In other news, we saw the Avett Brothers this past weekend and they were AMAZING. Seeing them perform never gets old. They played a new song for us and I cannot wait to hear the rest. Fall is approaching and I'm super excited about the fun fall weather things to do. 

Well that is all. Until next time. 

~Peace out homies.

My own personal distractions

I had great intentions of being a regular blogger this summer. I had a plan of writing about distractions. Then life happened. In May, right before my 36th birthday, I was in a great deal of pain for nearly two weeks. I assumed I had kidney stones but a CT scan did not confirm that suspicion. My symptoms most  closely matched those of endometriosis, but the only way that can be accurately diagnosed is through an abdominal laparoscopy. Thankfully, I have not had nearly the amount of pain since May and have had no need to have anymore treatment.

Shortly after my abdominal and pelvic pain, I injured my knee. I have no idea what I did to it, but it hurt all of the time. If you know me well, you know that I have an incredibly high tolerance to pain. This pain was so bad, that I immediately called an orthopedic doctor. Ten years ago I had some knee issues, but weight loss helped tremendously. I went through a series of cortisone shots and nothing provided relief. A MRI showed what my doctor thought was a torn meniscus. My surgery was scheduled for July 10th.

Now if you know my family, you probably know that we decided to move this past summer. We had outgrown our home. We decided to move out and start working on our house to get it ready for the market. We moved into my mom's house, which is large enough for us each to have our own room. This was good on both ends - because my mom lives on a lot of land and since she has become a widow, it has been really difficult to upkeep the property. This moved literally dragged on for several months. We moved half of our things prior to my surgery. We didn't have the resources to hire movers, so we were doing most of it on our own. Remember that I have a bum knee. This is the greatest factor contributing to why it took us so long. We started moving the other half a few weeks after my surgery. Other than what is in our basement, we have most of it moved.

Of course when life happens, it happens. We had lots of unexpected financial things occur this past summer and limited resources to handle most of it. My van A/C stopped working. The A/C unit in our bonus room of our house stopped working. My surgery. You get the idea. We finally got in to see a developmental pediatrician for Harrison. We've been going through lots of tests so we can get a better idea of how to proceed with his treatment plan. Unfortunately some of it isn't covered by insurance, so we have to figure out how to make all of that work.

So the point in this story is to tell you that I've been distracted. I've been distracted with pain, injuries, surgery, moving, financial stress, treatment for Harrison, physical limitations due to my surgery, and our insanely busy schedule.

I've been a terrible friend. I have almost zero time for socializing. I've been a scrambled and scattered mess. I feel like I'm in a hamster wheel and I'm just running in circles. Things are looking up, but I feel like I've lost time. I wasn't able to enjoy my family as much this summer due to my physical limitations. I couldn't go on hikes or do many fun outdoorsy things. I can't seem to find my rhythm as far as homeschooling and school year schedules. I can't get our home organized and I can't stay on top of my housework. I'm going to be honest. I didn't handle the physical limitations well. I'm a terrible patient. I don't really follow doctor's orders. I do stupid things and pay for them by having days of pain afterwards. I've been grouchy. So incredibly grouchy. I am not myself.

In the midst of my very small storm, I have been blessed by some fabulous people. I have some dear friends who never let me sink. They know exactly when I need encouraging words, hugs, or the opportunity to cry. God has revealed Himself to me this summer in ways that I never quite knew Him. I really allowed myself to be vulnerable and see Him in new ways. I'm a huge believer in turning crappy circumstances in a way to bring glory to God and I can definitely say I have some new material after this summer. I also have friends who encourage me to write again. I had almost given up on blogging because I felt that I didn't really have anything to share. I am seriously a blessed woman when it comes to friends.

Proverbs 27:9 - The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.

I held this scripture close to my heart as well. If you are blessed with godly friends, you are indeed a blessed person.

If you could learn anything from me and my experiences, here is what I'd like you to take from this. God never stops caring. Never. He was with me through every single bit of this. Not once did it feel hopeless. Well, if it felt hopeless, it didn't last more than a day. Scriptures tell us that the very hairs on our head are numbered. (Luke 12:7, Matthew 10:30) I mean if God knows how many hairs I have on my  head (and I shed a lot - so this number changes often),  He most definitely cares about my health issues, my finances, my stress level, and so on. Nothing is too small to take to God. We are never alone.

So all of those things have distracted me way too much this past summer. It was ridiculous. However, I'm done. I'm done allowing them to be distractions. I am ready to move on to my next chapter in life. I know that many of us have been there. It is okay to be there. But don't stay there. God has big plans for you and they aren't going to happen while you wallow in your own distractions. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Grow from your experience and move on. That is precisely what I'm doing.

Labels

Labels. Are they a good thing or  bad thing? Why would you want your child labeled?

I'll tell you. We were hesitant to tell others. We almost thought about not telling the school when Harrison was first diagnosed. We felt that it hadn't really been an issue and we would just be making it an issue. Honestly, when he first got diagnosed, his differences were just really becoming obvious and keeping it a secret would be nearly impossible  as the year progressed.

Two things happened. The first is that I realized that if this diagnosis was a part of my son that we didn't need to be ashamed of it. It was a PART of him and we love ALL of him. The second is that I realized that those labels can be helpful. I will elaborate on my second point.

Chances are if you are reading my blog, you know me. I'm kind of weird. I've gotten even weirder as I've gotten older and became a parent. I do things differently than most mainstream ways. I don't really fit it. I mostly identify with the crunchy crowd, hence "hippie" being part of my blog name. The more I read - the weirder I get. I've found a few close friends that I can closely relate with and it is a relief. It is nice being able to have a conversation about breastfeeding your toddler (who is wearing a viking helmet) to your friend without feeling like a weirdo. Because I tend to be different and identify with the crunchy crowd, I appreciate the label. It helps me find like minded friends who get me. I'm not saying they are my only friends because I like having friends from all walks of life....but having a few that just understand you is so important.

People like to be able to identify with others. It makes us feel like we aren't alone and that someone really gets us.

I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum obviously, but I know that before my son was diagnosed, he told me that his brain was different. We weren't sure how to tell him about having Aspergers, so we ordered a few children's book on it so that he might be able to understand. He wasn't really surprised, as the social differences were definitely more of an issue for him as a first grader. He was definitely feeling like an outsider. Now as a second grader, he still doesn't fully understand everything, but he knows he is different. Oddly enough (or maybe not?) he tends to gravitate toward other kids on the spectrum as his buddies. Maybe they get each other? I feel like knowing that there is a name for his differences will help him identify and not feel like such an outsider in the long run.

Most importantly, having that label will likely qualify your child for much need therapy. I know that more often than not, sensory issues accompany a spectrum diagnosis. If my child can benefit from occupational therapy, physical therapy, vision therapy, core strengthening, social skills therapy, etc. then I want to be able to provide it for him at some point in his life. Unfortunately we can't give our son every single therapy he might benefit from, so we prioritize on what he needs most. This is where a specific diagnosis really comes in handy.

So in my opinion having a label or a diagnosis is more helpful than anything. It gives your child a chance to identify with others. It also helps them receive assistance so that they can reach their true potential. If I had to do it over again, I'd certainly do it the same way (only earlier).

Weak

I’m going to ask for grace right now. When I’m posting a blog from raw emotions, I really have to edit myself. Translated into I have a terrible potty mouth, especially when I’m emotional. I censor myself around people that I know will be offended. Those who know me well,  know it and hear it. It doesn't mean I love Jesus any less. They are just descriptive words to me, but I know some are really offended.

I am weak. So incredibly weak. Almost a week ago, I completely broke down. It was a long time coming. I hold stuff in for a while and then I just let it out and it flows.

I’m feeling very broken lately. I’m overwhelmed because my house is a wreck. I can’t get enough free time to get it clean. Not just clean, but uncluttered.

I’m upset because our school routine really isn’t working with Harrison. I’m really upset because after spending nearly 6 weeks teaching him, it has become a reality. I have a special needs child. He doesn’t learn the same way other children learn. Before I was the one responsible for educating my child, his differences still just made him quirky. Now I see how hard he has to try in some areas. I am really seeing how he is indeed a boy with special needs. People, that just breaks your heart. Seeing firsthand how your child physically can’t tie his shoes, and crying with him about it…it is heartbreaking. Watching him struggle with handwriting because of sensory issues is frustrating. Seeing him completely zone out when you read aloud to him because he simply can’t focus or process auditory things the way many of us can, makes you want to punch something. Trying to make your house and his environment perfect, so that he doesn’t deal with distractions because of his sensory issues, is damn near impossible. It makes me feel like a failure. I fail him daily because I can’t teach him properly. It breaks my heart and makes me angry.

This is where is gets ugly and raw. I’m feeling so angry. Angry because of what Harrison is going through and what he will go through for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being creative with ways to talk to my son. I am just f@cking angry that I have a special needs child. Why? I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this. I realize that these thoughts may seem terrible. I know because they are my own thoughts. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking them. But I’m real and I’m not going to hide it. I feel like if I’m going through this, someone else must be and maybe that person needs to see that he or she isn’t alone. I would love to know that I’m not alone. I’m really dealing with the anger part of grieving my son’s diagnosis. It sucks.  It freaking sucks.

I’ve been praying a lot about this lately. I’m not going to lie. I’m really glad God listens to my prayers – my emotional potty mouth and all.

While praying, I came to a realization that I’m going about my homeschooling journey all wrong. The entire reason I started this journey is because I wanted to educate my children in a way that best fits their unique needs. I decided to go with a boxed set curriculum because of the ease of lesson planning. What I’ve done is “box” myself in though. I’m freaking out if we don’t get through the lesson plan in one day or if we have too much time left over in one day. Homeschool was supposed to give our family a certain freedom, but yet the only freedom I’ve let myself experience is the part about not panicking when my children stay up too late because we can start school whenever. I have decided  I'm about to add a lot more occupational therapy and social skills to our daily school routine, because that is what he needs the most. Don't worry - he will still be doing all the typical stuff, but we will approach it differently.

God really revealed some cool things to me in my prayers. A while back, our pastor preached on servanthood. It really spoke to me. I’m already very active in church. I  am in Stephen Ministry training, teach Sunday school, head of the Green Team, participate on the mission team, and pretty much help whenever I can with whatever I can. However, I haven’t really been applying it to my real life. You know…my home life. I’ve been struggling lately. My life is very mundane from day to day. If I were to guess, I’d say many stay at home mamas go through this. You start to feel like you can’t wash another dish, prepare another meal, change another diaper, or fold another load of laundry. All of those things really start feeling trivial and meaningless, especially when some of your friends and family have important or exciting jobs. God really said to me loudly and clearly that He has called me in this role of servanthood to my family and I need to take it more seriously. Those meals that I spend time making and often get refused actually do matter. They matter because they nourish my family. The laundry that I inevitably get behind on matters, because it clothes my family.  It matters that I get my daughter to her ballet lesson on time. It matters that I sew on patches to Harrison’s boyscout and karate uniforms. All of those tiny things matter because they are providing what my family needs without them having to worry about it. Now that I’ve added teacher to my trade belt, I don’t keep up with all of those other things as well as I did before. I’m still finding my rhythm and that’s okay. I really feel that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wants me exactly where I am right now, even if I feel I’m failing miserable.

But I’m not miserable. I know this was the journey I was called to take on and that I can do it with God’s guidance and the support of my loved ones. He always gives me just what I need to get through a day – like snuggles on the couch with Harrison while we read, or pearly hugs because she is just sweet, or sweet nursing moments with my growing toddler who will be weaned before you know it. I know I'm where I need to be when I see my precious boy who struggles with balance and coordination proudly ride a bike, or my sweet girl show off her new ballet moves at home, or my stinky "baby" smile at me with dog treat crumbs in his teeth.

Here are the scriptures I’ve turned to lately.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Isaiah 40: 28-31

28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

God has got this. He put me where He wants me. I just have to trust Him, right?