Lent 2014

I've been prayerfully considering my Lenten journey for the past week or so. This year I have decided to give up yelling.

First of all, it is quite embarrassing to admit that I need to give up yelling. By stating it, I am admitting that I have a problem with yelling.

The problem goes much deeper than just yelling. Allow me to explain.

I haven't always been a a yeller. I'm willing to bet that many people don't realize that I yell as much as I do. It has definitely become worse in the past few years. For the most part, I'm a pretty laid back person. This thing. This really ugly thing has entered my life. A thing called stress. Now, don't get me wrong. There has always been stress in my life. My stressors have exponentially grown in the past several years. I generally yell because I feel stressed and out of control. Guess who gets the brunt of my yelling? My family- and probably 95% of that is at my children.

In order to give up yelling, I've had to really think about why I yell. Yelling is a reaction. It is a reaction that I have defaulted because of chaos. I don't handle chaos well. When my children do not obey me, I yell. When I do not feel like my family is listening to me, I yell at them. When too many little people are talking to me at the same time, I yell. When I'm stressed about bills, medical stuff,
or selling our house, or my crazily packed schedule with very little "me" time, I respond by yelling. When I am in sensory overload, I yell. I finally realized that it is likely all of this stress probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon. However, one thing can be changed and that is me. I can only be changed through God's grace.

I have always yelled a wee bit, but I feel that it has progressively gotten worse since homeschooling. I've been thinking about that quite a bit too. I have no doubt that God's plan is for us to homeschool our children right now and honestly for long term (it has taken me awhile to admit that). However, committing to homeschooling means that I am always with my children. Because they are with me mostly 24/7, they see the good, bad, and ugly. They see all of my character flaws. We are very exposed. In this current season of my life I am not able to have very much alone time. I am an introvert and thrive on alone time. As a working mom, I was in a cubicle all by myself. Even though I had co-workers and customers calling, I still had periods of silence. I would often eat lunch at my desk to be alone. I usually had 30-60 minutes in my car by myself as well. I also only had one child at the time and he played by himself quietly and incredibly well. (Please know that I am in no way say mom's who work outside the house have it easier. I am simply explaining how the solitude I got in my particular situation was beneficial to my personality. I realize that isn't the case with everyone working mom. This was just my situation.) While on maternity leave with a newborn Kadie and having three year old Harrison at home with me ever day, I began to lose a bit of this solitude. Kadie was a fussy baby and Harrison was an incredibly challenging three year old. However, we began to figure out a rhythm and things got better and easier. I found bits and peaces of solitude again. When Harrison started kindergarten, I also put Kadie in Mom's Day Out twice a week. I had about 8 hours of time to myself each week. I generally spent that time running errands or cleaning, but I didn't have any little people dictating conversation or being loud. Then Sam was born and things changed again. We ended up pulling Kadie out of Mom's Day Out due to a tighter budget, so I had two little ones with me all of the time again. Then we decided to homeschool. The entire year of 2012 was difficult. Summer of 2012 was a particularly difficult one, especially for our marriage -and then I went straight into homeschooling. It was basically one stressor after another. And I got into the habit of yelling as a reaction rather than taking time to respond. So here we are...this is the path that lead to my yelling.

So because I have decided to give up yelling, there are many layers to this goal which will continue to unfold. I will have to continue to identify triggers and be very aware. I will have to really seek God's peace and self control, when I would have normally reacted by yelling. I will have to allow myself time to respond in an appropriate manner and that may mean walking away from a situation to allow myself time to process a situation. It may mean I have to reduce stressors in my life. Side bar, but sort of related - we are currently studying the fruits of the Spirit in our morning Bible time. This ties in wonderfully with my goal of no yelling and is a wonderful for character building my children. Next week we start self-control. It is all tying in beautifully for no other reason than God's perfect timing.

I've tried to do this no yelling thing several times and I've honestly never been successful. I've never tried it for Lent. Here is why I think it is different this year.  I have a completely different mindset during Lent. I am more determined during the Lenten season. I also have been seeking joy this year and I feel like this is a huge piece of the puzzle. I want to be the old me. The me who didn't spaz out over ridiculous things. The happy little hippie that I truly am on the inside, but have let stress eat away at me. I anxious to see the transformed me in 6 weeks. I'm really excited about this, in case you can't tell!

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer deflects anger,

but harsh words make tempers flare.

My own personal distractions

I had great intentions of being a regular blogger this summer. I had a plan of writing about distractions. Then life happened. In May, right before my 36th birthday, I was in a great deal of pain for nearly two weeks. I assumed I had kidney stones but a CT scan did not confirm that suspicion. My symptoms most  closely matched those of endometriosis, but the only way that can be accurately diagnosed is through an abdominal laparoscopy. Thankfully, I have not had nearly the amount of pain since May and have had no need to have anymore treatment.

Shortly after my abdominal and pelvic pain, I injured my knee. I have no idea what I did to it, but it hurt all of the time. If you know me well, you know that I have an incredibly high tolerance to pain. This pain was so bad, that I immediately called an orthopedic doctor. Ten years ago I had some knee issues, but weight loss helped tremendously. I went through a series of cortisone shots and nothing provided relief. A MRI showed what my doctor thought was a torn meniscus. My surgery was scheduled for July 10th.

Now if you know my family, you probably know that we decided to move this past summer. We had outgrown our home. We decided to move out and start working on our house to get it ready for the market. We moved into my mom's house, which is large enough for us each to have our own room. This was good on both ends - because my mom lives on a lot of land and since she has become a widow, it has been really difficult to upkeep the property. This moved literally dragged on for several months. We moved half of our things prior to my surgery. We didn't have the resources to hire movers, so we were doing most of it on our own. Remember that I have a bum knee. This is the greatest factor contributing to why it took us so long. We started moving the other half a few weeks after my surgery. Other than what is in our basement, we have most of it moved.

Of course when life happens, it happens. We had lots of unexpected financial things occur this past summer and limited resources to handle most of it. My van A/C stopped working. The A/C unit in our bonus room of our house stopped working. My surgery. You get the idea. We finally got in to see a developmental pediatrician for Harrison. We've been going through lots of tests so we can get a better idea of how to proceed with his treatment plan. Unfortunately some of it isn't covered by insurance, so we have to figure out how to make all of that work.

So the point in this story is to tell you that I've been distracted. I've been distracted with pain, injuries, surgery, moving, financial stress, treatment for Harrison, physical limitations due to my surgery, and our insanely busy schedule.

I've been a terrible friend. I have almost zero time for socializing. I've been a scrambled and scattered mess. I feel like I'm in a hamster wheel and I'm just running in circles. Things are looking up, but I feel like I've lost time. I wasn't able to enjoy my family as much this summer due to my physical limitations. I couldn't go on hikes or do many fun outdoorsy things. I can't seem to find my rhythm as far as homeschooling and school year schedules. I can't get our home organized and I can't stay on top of my housework. I'm going to be honest. I didn't handle the physical limitations well. I'm a terrible patient. I don't really follow doctor's orders. I do stupid things and pay for them by having days of pain afterwards. I've been grouchy. So incredibly grouchy. I am not myself.

In the midst of my very small storm, I have been blessed by some fabulous people. I have some dear friends who never let me sink. They know exactly when I need encouraging words, hugs, or the opportunity to cry. God has revealed Himself to me this summer in ways that I never quite knew Him. I really allowed myself to be vulnerable and see Him in new ways. I'm a huge believer in turning crappy circumstances in a way to bring glory to God and I can definitely say I have some new material after this summer. I also have friends who encourage me to write again. I had almost given up on blogging because I felt that I didn't really have anything to share. I am seriously a blessed woman when it comes to friends.

Proverbs 27:9 - The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.

I held this scripture close to my heart as well. If you are blessed with godly friends, you are indeed a blessed person.

If you could learn anything from me and my experiences, here is what I'd like you to take from this. God never stops caring. Never. He was with me through every single bit of this. Not once did it feel hopeless. Well, if it felt hopeless, it didn't last more than a day. Scriptures tell us that the very hairs on our head are numbered. (Luke 12:7, Matthew 10:30) I mean if God knows how many hairs I have on my  head (and I shed a lot - so this number changes often),  He most definitely cares about my health issues, my finances, my stress level, and so on. Nothing is too small to take to God. We are never alone.

So all of those things have distracted me way too much this past summer. It was ridiculous. However, I'm done. I'm done allowing them to be distractions. I am ready to move on to my next chapter in life. I know that many of us have been there. It is okay to be there. But don't stay there. God has big plans for you and they aren't going to happen while you wallow in your own distractions. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Grow from your experience and move on. That is precisely what I'm doing.

Labels

Labels. Are they a good thing or  bad thing? Why would you want your child labeled?

I'll tell you. We were hesitant to tell others. We almost thought about not telling the school when Harrison was first diagnosed. We felt that it hadn't really been an issue and we would just be making it an issue. Honestly, when he first got diagnosed, his differences were just really becoming obvious and keeping it a secret would be nearly impossible  as the year progressed.

Two things happened. The first is that I realized that if this diagnosis was a part of my son that we didn't need to be ashamed of it. It was a PART of him and we love ALL of him. The second is that I realized that those labels can be helpful. I will elaborate on my second point.

Chances are if you are reading my blog, you know me. I'm kind of weird. I've gotten even weirder as I've gotten older and became a parent. I do things differently than most mainstream ways. I don't really fit it. I mostly identify with the crunchy crowd, hence "hippie" being part of my blog name. The more I read - the weirder I get. I've found a few close friends that I can closely relate with and it is a relief. It is nice being able to have a conversation about breastfeeding your toddler (who is wearing a viking helmet) to your friend without feeling like a weirdo. Because I tend to be different and identify with the crunchy crowd, I appreciate the label. It helps me find like minded friends who get me. I'm not saying they are my only friends because I like having friends from all walks of life....but having a few that just understand you is so important.

People like to be able to identify with others. It makes us feel like we aren't alone and that someone really gets us.

I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum obviously, but I know that before my son was diagnosed, he told me that his brain was different. We weren't sure how to tell him about having Aspergers, so we ordered a few children's book on it so that he might be able to understand. He wasn't really surprised, as the social differences were definitely more of an issue for him as a first grader. He was definitely feeling like an outsider. Now as a second grader, he still doesn't fully understand everything, but he knows he is different. Oddly enough (or maybe not?) he tends to gravitate toward other kids on the spectrum as his buddies. Maybe they get each other? I feel like knowing that there is a name for his differences will help him identify and not feel like such an outsider in the long run.

Most importantly, having that label will likely qualify your child for much need therapy. I know that more often than not, sensory issues accompany a spectrum diagnosis. If my child can benefit from occupational therapy, physical therapy, vision therapy, core strengthening, social skills therapy, etc. then I want to be able to provide it for him at some point in his life. Unfortunately we can't give our son every single therapy he might benefit from, so we prioritize on what he needs most. This is where a specific diagnosis really comes in handy.

So in my opinion having a label or a diagnosis is more helpful than anything. It gives your child a chance to identify with others. It also helps them receive assistance so that they can reach their true potential. If I had to do it over again, I'd certainly do it the same way (only earlier).

Always trust your gut

I've been trying to figure out what I will post on my blog for Autism Awareness month. I've been looking through my books and online sources and kept thinking I should start with red flags. However, if you want to find the red flags, you can google it and...BAM! I decided to post about all the little things I noticed about Harrison as a toddler (before he was even 2) that were not typical but not taken seriously by medical professionals.

He played by himself for hours. As a toddler, this is not typical. Most 18-24 month old toddlers do not sit quietly and play for that long. We had no idea that this wasn't typical as he was our first.

He developed very early language skills. This alone is not a red flag. However, grouped with the others, it is.

He was very cautious and didn't take risks. He never climbed or jumped off of things. He was always so careful before he tried anything new. His developmental milestones were early or textbook, but once he developed all of his basic milestones, he became cautious.

He memorized books and movies. Again, this is probably not a red flag by itself. There were certain movies he could quote most scenes and a few books he knew from memory. We just thought he was a genius. He certainly is very smart, but it all makes sense now.

He lined up toys and sorted them by type. I used to joke he was very OCD in his playing. He went through a major "Cars" phase and would group all of his Lightning McQueens by color. He would proudly show us his masterpieces after spending an hour organizing them.

His play consisted of quoting movies or mimicking movie scenes. I used to tell Chris that I was worried he didn't have an imagination because he was regurgitating what he had just watched. He didn't have much interest in his toys that weren't in one of his favorite movies or TV shows (think Toy Story, Cars, Thomas the Tank Engine, Monsters Inc)

He became increasingly less affectionate. Not so much with me, but with others. He no longer liked hugs or kisses from other people. They made him very uncomfortable.

He developed food texture issues. He was a great eater until he approached two. Then suddenly he had a reason he didn't want to eat things and would have massive meltdowns if you tried to get him to eat his old favorites.

He hated change in routine. Most children thrive with a routine, but generally are pretty adaptable. He was not. It would throw him off course and rock his world.

The tantrums and meltdowns were exhausting and more frequent. All kids have tantrums and all kids will throw some pretty ugly ones in their life time. There is not much that is comparable to a spectrum child meltdown.

He developed sleep issues. He was always a good sleeper as a baby. He was the baby who slept 8 hour stretches when he was a few months old. When he weaned around 14 months, he went from 10 hours to 12 hours. He started having a lot of problems going to sleep and staying asleep.

He preferred adults over children. He would gladly hang out with adults in a room full of kids. Especially elderly men.

He carried heavy things all of the time. He loved lifting heavy things and dragging them around the house. This is actually satisfying the need for sensory input.

He didn't play with other children very well. He didn't initiate much play and didn't get along with other kids. He just preferred to play alone.

He started becoming afraid of loud noises. He used to love tractor rides with my dad and suddenly he hated the engine noise. Loud noises became scary. Movies in a theater were a nightmare.

He developed obsessions. Very obvious obsessions. His earliest obsessions were Toy Story, Thomas, and Cars. He LOVED them. He watched them all of the time. Played with his toys. Wore the clothes. Memorized the lines. He lived and breathed them.

He was very grumpy and argumentative. Basically he was a grumpy old man trapped inside of a little boy's body. He was the happiest baby ever, so this was a personality shift.

He was a potty training nightmare. He was 4 years old before he was trained. It was an awful time that I do not like to reflect upon at all.

He was very quirky. 

Let me reiterate that these qualities alone do not mean you have a child on the spectrum. Maybe even a few of them mean nothing. This is by no means an official checklist. These are things I noticed about him as a toddler that I felt were not typical.

My biggest piece of advice. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT! Seriously. God gives parents (especially mamas) a neat gift of intuitiveness with your children. If you suspect something is different, mention it. Don't blow it off. Don't think it will go away. It doesn't.

Another big piece of advice. Most pediatricians don't know what to look for with ASD/sensory stuff. In fact, if you have a high functioning child or one with just sensory issues, your child will likely not get diagnosed until they are older. Typically this happens in school when their differences become more obvious (like Harrison). Here is what that means. Your child has missed on years of beneficial therapies that could have helped him/her. I try not to beat myself up over not getting Harrison diagnosed until over 4 years later. My biggest regret is that fact he did not have early intervention that could have really helped him. Seriously...an early diagnosis is so much better in the long run.  For us, it changed the way he parent him (mostly) and for the better.

My door is open for encouragement, advice, and prayers. Please contact me if you need any of these.

Weak

I’m going to ask for grace right now. When I’m posting a blog from raw emotions, I really have to edit myself. Translated into I have a terrible potty mouth, especially when I’m emotional. I censor myself around people that I know will be offended. Those who know me well,  know it and hear it. It doesn't mean I love Jesus any less. They are just descriptive words to me, but I know some are really offended.

I am weak. So incredibly weak. Almost a week ago, I completely broke down. It was a long time coming. I hold stuff in for a while and then I just let it out and it flows.

I’m feeling very broken lately. I’m overwhelmed because my house is a wreck. I can’t get enough free time to get it clean. Not just clean, but uncluttered.

I’m upset because our school routine really isn’t working with Harrison. I’m really upset because after spending nearly 6 weeks teaching him, it has become a reality. I have a special needs child. He doesn’t learn the same way other children learn. Before I was the one responsible for educating my child, his differences still just made him quirky. Now I see how hard he has to try in some areas. I am really seeing how he is indeed a boy with special needs. People, that just breaks your heart. Seeing firsthand how your child physically can’t tie his shoes, and crying with him about it…it is heartbreaking. Watching him struggle with handwriting because of sensory issues is frustrating. Seeing him completely zone out when you read aloud to him because he simply can’t focus or process auditory things the way many of us can, makes you want to punch something. Trying to make your house and his environment perfect, so that he doesn’t deal with distractions because of his sensory issues, is damn near impossible. It makes me feel like a failure. I fail him daily because I can’t teach him properly. It breaks my heart and makes me angry.

This is where is gets ugly and raw. I’m feeling so angry. Angry because of what Harrison is going through and what he will go through for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being creative with ways to talk to my son. I am just f@cking angry that I have a special needs child. Why? I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this. I realize that these thoughts may seem terrible. I know because they are my own thoughts. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking them. But I’m real and I’m not going to hide it. I feel like if I’m going through this, someone else must be and maybe that person needs to see that he or she isn’t alone. I would love to know that I’m not alone. I’m really dealing with the anger part of grieving my son’s diagnosis. It sucks.  It freaking sucks.

I’ve been praying a lot about this lately. I’m not going to lie. I’m really glad God listens to my prayers – my emotional potty mouth and all.

While praying, I came to a realization that I’m going about my homeschooling journey all wrong. The entire reason I started this journey is because I wanted to educate my children in a way that best fits their unique needs. I decided to go with a boxed set curriculum because of the ease of lesson planning. What I’ve done is “box” myself in though. I’m freaking out if we don’t get through the lesson plan in one day or if we have too much time left over in one day. Homeschool was supposed to give our family a certain freedom, but yet the only freedom I’ve let myself experience is the part about not panicking when my children stay up too late because we can start school whenever. I have decided  I'm about to add a lot more occupational therapy and social skills to our daily school routine, because that is what he needs the most. Don't worry - he will still be doing all the typical stuff, but we will approach it differently.

God really revealed some cool things to me in my prayers. A while back, our pastor preached on servanthood. It really spoke to me. I’m already very active in church. I  am in Stephen Ministry training, teach Sunday school, head of the Green Team, participate on the mission team, and pretty much help whenever I can with whatever I can. However, I haven’t really been applying it to my real life. You know…my home life. I’ve been struggling lately. My life is very mundane from day to day. If I were to guess, I’d say many stay at home mamas go through this. You start to feel like you can’t wash another dish, prepare another meal, change another diaper, or fold another load of laundry. All of those things really start feeling trivial and meaningless, especially when some of your friends and family have important or exciting jobs. God really said to me loudly and clearly that He has called me in this role of servanthood to my family and I need to take it more seriously. Those meals that I spend time making and often get refused actually do matter. They matter because they nourish my family. The laundry that I inevitably get behind on matters, because it clothes my family.  It matters that I get my daughter to her ballet lesson on time. It matters that I sew on patches to Harrison’s boyscout and karate uniforms. All of those tiny things matter because they are providing what my family needs without them having to worry about it. Now that I’ve added teacher to my trade belt, I don’t keep up with all of those other things as well as I did before. I’m still finding my rhythm and that’s okay. I really feel that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wants me exactly where I am right now, even if I feel I’m failing miserable.

But I’m not miserable. I know this was the journey I was called to take on and that I can do it with God’s guidance and the support of my loved ones. He always gives me just what I need to get through a day – like snuggles on the couch with Harrison while we read, or pearly hugs because she is just sweet, or sweet nursing moments with my growing toddler who will be weaned before you know it. I know I'm where I need to be when I see my precious boy who struggles with balance and coordination proudly ride a bike, or my sweet girl show off her new ballet moves at home, or my stinky "baby" smile at me with dog treat crumbs in his teeth.

Here are the scriptures I’ve turned to lately.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Isaiah 40: 28-31

28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

God has got this. He put me where He wants me. I just have to trust Him, right? 

Hello again

Well, as usual, I drop off the face of the blogging planet during the summer. I'll update my readers on what has been happening in our little world.

We are officially a homeschooling family!
I felt confirmation in this decision many, many months ago and now it is official. I registered Harrison through a church school, Aaron Academy, bought 2nd grade curriculum and we are about to start day 5. The first 3 days were amazing. Day 4 was really rough. I know there are going to be plenty of those days. Those days are part of the reason we felt this was the right decision for our family. We went with the curriculum, My Father's World, which is a Charlotte Mason, classical, and unit study approach. It also incorporates Biblical worldview and international focus. It really seemed like the perfect fit for us. Initially, I was going to go the eclectic approach, and at some point I may. Honestly, I just really need the lesson plans. I'm not the most structured person, so having everything in a lesson plan is perfect. I just look through everything the weekend prior, gather supplies, and teach it. Harrison is really loving the U.S. History aspect and absolutely loves the timeline. He may end up being a history buff.

I didn't choose a box set for Kadie, mainly because of cost. She is pre-k, and I feel pretty strongly that preschoolers should be playing more than anything. I decided we would take a very laid back approach to learning all of the letters, both uppercase and lowercase. We will also learn more about numbers. She already knows her shapes and colors, but we will reinforce them. I'm very likely going to incorporate The Scaredy Cat Reading System during the second half of the year, if she is ready. If not, we will wait for kindergarten. She loves all of it. She loves writing her name, practicing letters, coloring, cutting...the list goes on. She is an eager student. She can handle anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.

I really need to get my butt in gear and get Sam's busy boxes made. He is a wild man/mess during school. He just likes to get into stuff, so I really need activity boxes for him. Spam me with ideas. I'm open for anything.

I can already tell that the laid back approach of home education is perfect for us. I haven't stressed about the kids getting in bed, or how much sleep Harrison is missing because he can't go to sleep at night. I don't feel rushed to get everything done in the hours that Harrison is gone to school, because I don't have to worry about picking him up anymore. Our kids naturally sleep to 8:30-9:00, so we will probably start schooling within an hour of wake time and focusing on math during Sam's nap.

Kadie is taking ballet!
The twirly girl's dream of become a ballerina is finally coming true. She is going to start in September. It is a combo class of ballet and tap that lasts for 45 minutes. We bought her shoes and leotard today, and she has been twirling and pointing all over the house. I'm so excited for her and I cannot wait to see her on the stage in her first performance. It makes my heart happy.

On a different note, Harrison is upset that he isn't taking karate. He had mentioned it earlier in the year, and his occupational therapist suggested some type of martial arts for core strength. I'm currently in research mode, and now that his play therapy is almost over, his schedule will probably allow for it. It was just too much while he was in school, boyscouts, church, and two types of therapy, but now it is a real possibility. I'd love to get him into a homeschool robotics league, but I think I need to be mindful of our commitments.

I'm about halfway through Stephen Ministry training!
Training has really been a blessing to me. I'm learning so much about myself and interacting with others. What I'm learning is really applicable in our home. I'm still a little nervous about my first care relationship assignment, but I know that God has got this under control. One of the biggest things I've learned is how I'm just really not assertive. Ever. I'm really working hard on it. It has been uncomfortable, but therapeutic. I'm praying I can continue this growth without going right back where I started.

Sam will be 2 soon!
He turns 2 in October. I simply cannot believe it. He is still nursing and it varies how much. Some days it is only once and other days, he wants to nurse every time I hold him. I foresee him nursing until he is at least 2. If he is still nursing in the spring, I will evaluate how I'm feeling about it and consider weaning him. He is finally becoming verbal. He speaks a precious and hard to understand toddlerese. He will repeat most things that you ask him to say. There are certain letter sounds that he won't attempt. He also is leery about too many syllables. I can't help but wonder if there might be a speech delay, but I'm fairly certain I could just be paranoid. He talks to us quite a bit now...we just have to figure out what he is saying. He is a tornado. I've never seen a toddler so wild, inquisitive, and full of life.

Chris started back to work/school last week. It is crazy how when school starts, we fall right back into busy time. He still works the same schedule at church, but has a pretty big project he is working on for his other business, Starving Lion Media. It is either "feast or famine" so to speak with our free time.

Well, I'm going to end because it is almost 1:30 am and I do require some sleep.  Perhaps I will blog again soon. Until next time....

I don't even know what to title this post

We are about 4 1/2 months into our journey with Aspergers. I have so much on my mind. I don't want my blog to only be about parenting a child with AS, but this is my blog and I generally write about what is on my mind. This is always on my mind.

I took a small break from reading books about it. Honestly, they made me feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I needed a break. Plus, I live with it everyday - so reading about it almost made it unbearable.

From what I understand about Aspergers, it will improve as he gets older as long as we give him the tools to understand his symptoms. So, it isn't so much that these symptoms just go away, but he will know how to manage them more appropriately.  I feel like we are noticing more things because of A) our increased awareness of Aspergers and B) his own personal maturation, which is amplifying some of his symptoms. I also understand that stress can cause regression, which for Harrison would mean his obsessions get more intense and his impulses get harder for him to manage.

I'm back to my AS reading and I'm reading a really helpful book on parenting an AS child with sense of humor, because lets face it - you must keep your sense of humor. This book has really helped me feel a sense of relief. I'm not going to lie. I feel like a terrible mother on a pretty regular basis. Harrison has never been easy, so even before we were given his diagnosis, we did things differently with him. But what I'm realizing is that I do not really give myself any grace with parenting, especially with him. That has to stop. Now, let me be clear. I'm not saying that parenting a non-special needs child is easy. So please don't think that if you have only children without special needs, I think your life is a cake walk. That is not what I'm saying. What I'm finally now able to admit is that parenting a child on the spectrum is down right hard. It is exhausting. It is stressful. It may be unrewarding for long stretches of time. Parenting a child on the spectrum is different. I know. I have three children and I parent them very differently. Even though Kadie is not a special needs child, she is high needs (some might say high maintenance). She is very sensitive and isn't really easy, but it is different than it is with H. Sam, as of now, is easy. Now, his insatiable need to explore and climb is exhausting, but it is different. I want to stress that I think parenting is hard for anyone. It is challenging. I am just finally ready to admit to the world, I'm struggling. I feel like I'm sinking and I need love and support.

I'd like to give everyone a sneak peek into a stressful morning we had yesterday. I apologize for any grammatical errors. This is going to be long.

Home:
 Monday mornings are our Occupational Therapy days. We go to Siskins every Monday at 8:30 and we have for about 6 weeks now. We don't take H to school prior to OT because it would be pointless, so Monday mornings are a little more relaxed for us because we have 30 extra minutes. Yesterday, we had a hard time getting moving because we went to bed later due to Mother's Day festivities. I'm not a morning person at all. It takes several cups of coffee to make me approachable. Harrison's biggest struggles are in the mornings. (For those of you who don't know, a common trait among Aspies is saying whatever is on their mind with no filter). He is downright rude and mean in the morning. He says what many of us think, but would never really say. I generally just tell him not to talk to anyone because he simply cannot be tactful in the morning. It causes fights and it is just easier that way. Even me knowing about his lack of filter doesn't make it easy. Let's face it. Words hurt. Kadie wakes up pretty chatty. She is annoying to me, and I don't have AS. So, I realize that she is almost intolerable to him. He just wants to be left alone and she just wants to talk to him. It honestly just isn't fair to either of them and it simply doesn't work. He doesn't have much tolerance for her, but mornings allow no wiggle room. My main job in the morning is to keep them from killing each other and to keep H on task for getting ready. Sam usually wakes up with a cheerful disposition, but yesterday he was GRUMPY. To make matters worse, I could not get him to wake, so I had to dress him on the fly and pack a to-go breakfast for him. There was no time for him to play or "hatch". Harrison was overtired on top of recovering from being sick (that should ready Aspie qualities are exacerbated due to stress of being tired & sick)  Every word that had come from his mouth was pretty upsetting. I almost forgot to mention that I never had a chance to pour myself a cup of coffee. I did manage to prepare one for the road. I also forgot to mention that I woke up with a sore throat and itchy eyes, so I was already at a disadvantage.

The Drive:
So, we load into the van and we are already 5 minutes behind. Harrison and Kadie were arguing and Sam was fussing. I inform my older children that they are not to speak on our ride to Siskins. I explain to them I needed to make a phone call to let Siskins know we were running behind and they needed to take a break from talking to each other because they were not being nice and it was upsetting Sam.  We had barely backed out of the driveway before Harrison was yelling to me that he really needed to tell me something important. I'm on hold to Siskins. I motion to him to be quiet. He keeps yelling. I lose my call because I accidentally hit "end". Try this again. Finally got a voicemail, so I leave a message that we are going to be slightly late with a yelling 7 year old and fussing toddler as my background music. I acknowledge  H, so he will tell me his important issue. He goes on a rant about how he is angry with his teacher because of toy policy in the classroom, and he has been angry with her since October. (Side note: if an Aspie has a rant, they can't just let it go. They will not stop until they get it off their chest) I explain to him that it is acceptable to get angry but not to stay angry at someone. I briefly explain that harboring anger in our hearts is not healthy and makes God sad. I offer to pray with him about forgiveness and anger. He tells me that he thinks he will forgive everyone and that maybe we can pray later tonight. We ride the rest of the way in silence.

Siskins:
We get to Siskins and fortunately our being late didn't cause any issues. The waiting room was unusually packed. The thing about the waiting room at Siskins is that you have a whole myriad of special needs children in the waiting room. Kadie is very curious about why children are making unusual noises, or why they don't want to to play with her, or don't know how to play with her. I finally coerce her to read a book with me so that she will stop getting upset about all of the kids. Meanwhile, a lady leaves a cup of coffee unattended and Sam notices it instantly. He spills a large McDonald's coffee that was almost full all over the floor. The office had no towels and told us that we just needed to use paper towels from the restroom. This wouldn't have been a problem, except the only paper towel machine was the one that had a sensor and only spits out a small square of non-absorbent paper towel each time. Seriously?  It literally took me and the other mom about 6 trips each with a giant handful of paper towels to wipe up the coffee. The whole time I'm wiping up this mess and running in and out of the restroom, Kadie is under my feet trying to help, and Sam is screaming because I took the coffee away from him. Then Harrison walks out with his OT and she is explaining the day's session and what he needs to work on. She also tells me that she thinks he needs to be evaluated by a pediatric PT because of some concerns she has about his lower extremities. We leave and I'm nearly in tears because I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed because of the morning we've had thus far. Add into that the added stress of one more treatment/therapy/evaluation Harrison needs that we probably can't afford. This was a wonderful year for our FSA to be canceled. So far we are looking at core strengthening therapy for H (taekwondo & stroking lessons - both of which are not covered under our insurance), an evaluation by a developmental vision specialist, and now a physical therapy evaluation. We haven't even started counseling/behavioral therapy for him yet.

The Parking Lot:
So, I'm forgetting God is with me. I'm forgetting that God is Peace and takes care of me. I'm brimming with tears walking down a sidewalk on Carter Street carrying Sam, while my older kids start running. They are heading straight for a busy area with cars. I'm pretty far behind them at this point and yelling for them to stop. Oh, I forgot to mention, it was raining and we didn't have an umbrella with us. After what seemed liked an eternity, they both finally stop running. So I am scolding them both for running away from me on a busy street & parking lot and them giving them directions on not stepping in puddles. Of course, they do not listen to me about the puddles and Kadie's boots are soaked. She doesn't deal well with uncomfortable clothing. She was upset about her boots. I tell her she isn't allowed to remove them until we get H to school, which is literally about 2-3 minutes away. Sam is fussing again and H is in his "we have to hurry to get to school because I hate being tardy" mode. I get the two younger children fastened in their car seats and get in my seat. My van won't start. What? This goes on for about 5 minutes, as I'm checking everything I know to check. This is the type of thing Harrison doesn't handle well. He realizes our car isn't starting and starts having a meltdown. I call my husband and we try to troubleshoot it. I'm trying my best to stay calm so my children don't feed off my emotions. We think it is a fuse or the starter. I call my mother-in-law to rescue us. She can come but is about 10-15 minutes away and had to quickly get ready. For at least half of our wait for her to arrive, H is having a monumental meltdown. He hates being tardy. He doesn't want to miss lunch. He doesn't want to miss work stations. There is no comforting him. Sometimes despite your best efforts, you cannot reason with an Aspie child. You just need to let them do their thing. I tried everything. Sweet Kadie was trying also. Sam was just crying because it was stressful. My mother-in-law arrives and we decided it would be easiest  to put the booster in her car while she sits with the younger two kids in my van, so I can get him to school as soon as possible. She has a new car that she's had for just over a week  (this is not irrelevant).

On the way to school/School:
The whole way to school Harrison insisted that we calculate the amount of hours she has had her new car. Converting days to hours is one of his latest obsessions. The thing about Aspies...sometimes their obsessions are endearing and fun. Normally I don't mind playing along, but I had no brain power in my head left to figure out how many hours my mother-in-law has had her new car. Math is not my strong suit. I was stressed. I was over it. I did NOT want to do math in my head. I just wanted to drop him off at school and figure out what we were going to do about my van. He was relentless. Needless to say in that 3 minute trip, we calculated the approximate amount of hours she has owned her new car and somehow managed to talk about ninjas (another obsession).  We get into the office and he immediately tells the office staff:

"We're late. We're always late on Monday's. I have occupational therapy. But today after my therapy, our van wouldn't start. My note is only for occupational therapy because I have it every Monday. Mom always checks my pockets on Monday's. She doesn't check them on other days. I like to sneak toys to school on Monday's. So she checks my pockets. I hope I didn't miss lunch."

I'm sorry it took me so long to describe my morning. Kudos to you if you actually got through all of it. I realize that everyone has bad mornings. I'm not saying I'm unique in that. I'm just trying to post a glimpse of how having a child with Aspergers compounds a stressful morning into a monumentally stressful morning. This is where I'm having to teach myself it is okay to give myself grace. Six months ago, I would have beaten myself up over what I could have done differently. Now, that I'm understanding what makes H tick, I understand how an out of routine morning can set him off pace for the whole day. You see, our whole life has been like that with him. I just always thought he was an inflexible little old man and I could teach him to be more adaptable. I thought I was a terrible parent because of his inflexibility and my lack of ability to shape him towards flexibility. Now I realize it is just who he is. Life throws us curve balls. I'm not exactly the most flexible person either. Curve balls are hard for me. I try to put myself in his shoes. Curve balls knock my little guy completely off course.

Another reality in our life. Raising neurotypical children with your child on the spectrum. Neurotypical is a term you see the minute your child is diagnosed with a spectrum disorder to describe typically developing children/adults. Normal is not really an acceptable term to use for typical kids, because that implies that something is wrong with your child on the spectrum...something wrong rather than just different.  How do you raise your children in the same home? How do you parent them all the way they need to be parented? It seems as if you are catering to the needs your AS child and completely negating the needs of your other children. One of the biggest hurdles we face right now is understanding  H's sensory issues and what causes him to stim or meltdown. A big part of that is him dealing with his siblings. We've determined it is pretty important for him to always have his own room so that he can have a refuge. It isn't fair to make your other children stop talking, playing, dancing, or singing when your AS child can't handle it. But it isn't fair to him either. What do you do? It is hard. Then you have the struggle of giving your AS child all of the therapy and treatment he needs to have the best chances of functioning. Right now, financially, it is stressful and depressing. Harrison needs and will probably need a lot of therapy over the next several years. We can't even do it all for him right now. We have to pick and choose. There is a lot of guilt over that. Then you look at trying to just give your neurotypical children some extra curricular activities. When what seems like an extra curricular activity for H is actually therapeutic, it is hard to explain to your daughter why she isn't taking ballet lessons right now. It just doesn't seem fair to her. Thankfully the younger two are young and they don't really realize all of this right now.

On top of this stress, I have the question looming in my head - should I go back to work? Would it make things easier? We still would have two in daycare, so essentially I'm working to pay for daycare with very little left over. And what is left over probably isn't enough to justify the stress of me working full time. At least with me staying home, I'm here for sick kids. I'm here for the doctor's appointments. I'm here to cook the majority of the meals. I'm here to do the housework and cleaning (um, not my strongest area). There are a lot of expenses you incur when both parents are working that are convenience expenses or work related expenses. Eating out more often, gas expenses, work clothes, more doctor visits for sick kids due to daycare exposure, work related expenses..the list is actually pretty lengthy and we really considered all aspects when we made the decision to become a stay at home mom.  I already feel like homeschooling H is where God is leading us and actually peace about the decision, so ultimately I know going back to work isn't an option, but sometimes it does seem like it would make things easier.

I feel like I get burned out more than my other parent friends. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Then I start reading this book I referred to earlier. The guy talks about how exhausting it is to raise a child with AS. He talks about how it is important to give yourself breaks because you are dealing with something that most parents don't have to deal with. I need to be able to escape the Aspie word on occasion and it is hard to do so. Do you know how relieved that made me feel? I feel such extreme guilt for feeling like I need a break. Quite frankly, with our current situation, neither one of us gets too many breaks. We have an almost non existent budget for childcare. Not only do we have a child with AS, but we have three children. We rarely go on dates. We rarely take time alone. It is tough and probably one of the biggest challenges that parents of children on the spectrum face. We can't just leave our children with anyone. Kids on the spectrum aren't comfortable with everyone. Plus, not everyone wants to deal with the possibility of a meltdown. If you aren't used to them, they can be scary. It is understandable. There was a point in my life I probably wouldn't have been comfortable watching a child that might have a meltdown. I get it. Plus I don't like asking for anything because I don't want to inconvenience others, so I don't. It makes me feel guilty. I know we have people that will help us and I need to be more willing to utilize those resources. I know that sometimes allowing someone to give me or Chris a break is actually blessing them, because it is something they are able to do for us. I need to get over my inability to let others help.

I think ultimately what has been troubling me the most, is the fact I can't "fix" my son. As someone who feels very deeply and I read people so well that I almost take on their mood, it is hard for me to fathom my son not being able to pick up on these social cues. How do I teach him? Can he ever be taught? Does it really matter? How do you teach your child not to sound like an ass when talking to someone? It really tears me up inside. I love him so much. He is such an awesome little guy. I know that people who take the time to get to know him will love him and accept him ,and that does give me comfort, but he won't always have that bubble. It is just scary sometimes.

I also realize that just 4 1/2 months into our journey with AS is still relatively short in the grand scheme of life. We are still processing it. We are still coming to terms with it. Each month brings new challenges and emotions. I'm also the type of person who really has to analyze and process things internally. It took me a good year if not longer to grieve the loss of my father, so I know I just need to give myself time.

This blog post was probably more of a journal entry for me. I realize that it is hard to follow and I only publish it because if my feelings can help someone, I want them to help someone. There are still emotions floating around inside of me that I can't quite identify yet. I did come across a quote that really reflects how I feel and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt why God called me to start Stephen Ministry training.

For those of you who have gotten this far, I thank you. I ask that you cover my family in prayer. If you would like specific prayer needs, I'm going to list them for you.

*Pray that we can keep a strong marriage. Pray that we make quality time for each other and not get bogged down in the messiness of life and forget our love for each other.
*Pray that we can parent each of our children how they need to be parented.
*Pray that we can use our life journey to minister to others.
*Pray for our finances. Pray that we can give Harrison the treatment he needs. Pray for discernment so that we can give him what he needs the most at the right time.
*Pray that our other children do not feel resentment or abnormal jealousy toward Harrison and that we can work together as a supportive family unit.
*Pray for peace for our family.
*Pray that we will utilize our village of support. 
*Pray that keep Christ the center of our home and hearts.

2 months later

Just over 2 months ago is when we got the news. The news that our son has Asperger's Syndrome.  Honestly, it is hard to believe it has been 2 months. I'm going to be brutally honest in this blog post. Just warning you now. 

Just over 2 months I started the grieving process for a son that I would never have. You see, when I was pregnant with him, I had all of these dreams. Dreams of an all-American rough and tumble boy with rugged good looks. He would give me bear hugs and wrestle with his Daddy. He would have lots of friends. And then after he was born and became a toddler, I knew how smart he was. I starting dreaming of additional things...like how he was going to change the world with his intelligence. I wasn't sure how, but I dreamed of many scenarios. And in case you haven't figured it out, I'm quite the dreamer, probably to a fault.

As he continued to grow and get older, I realized how different he was. It worried me. I told our pediatrician at one of his well checks (either 18 or 24 months) that I thought he had autism. I was assured that he was just a genius and quirky. As he got older, social things weren't as easy for him. He didn't have many friends. Although he was very kind hearted, he was also quite contrary and didn't get along very well with many people. The tantrums and meltdowns got worse. I felt like a failure as a mother. I mentioned it to a few pediatricians (we had some insurance changes and had to hop around for a bit) and they all seemed to believe it was due discipline techniques. We tried everything. Nothing really consistently worked. Even through all of this, my dream of how he was going to be always stayed in the back of my mind.

Fast forward to when he began kindergarten. Early on in kindergarten, we were asked to write a letter about our child so that the teacher could understand and get to know our child better. Mine was like a novella. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm almost certain most people might have had one or two paragraphs. I just couldn't sum him up in a brief note. He has always been complex. He had a great year. Made lots of friends. I was even told he was a social butterfly. I felt maybe he was growing into his quirks. Things were getting better. My dreams started returning.

Then as he entered his first grade year, things got worse. He was angry all of the time. So much so, that we were really concerned. He started some really unusual behaviors that seemed to interfere with his daily behavior. He didn't have many friends and felt that kids were teasing him or didn't like him. He began to cry every morning before school. Things weren't right. I knew in my heart that something was indeed different.

So at the end of the year, we had some testing done. The results were given to us on January 4, 2012.. All of my dreams went crashing down. I will never forget that day. Never. It was a relief and it was paralyzing all at the same time. And I grieved. And grieved some more. Because this ideal of this "perfect" son was not him. It was never going to be him. He simply isn't that child. It is going to take behavioral and occupational therapy to help him through his struggles. But Asperger's isn't just about struggles. It is so much more than that. And it doesn't mean that he isn't awesome. He just isn't going to be that all-American boy.

But here is the thing. I'm okay with that. Chris and I aren't those people. We are weird and quirky and have made a happy little home in all of our weirdness. We will never be that all-American family with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. Quite frankly, I'm 100% okay with it. Harrison is perfect for our family. He is going to do great things one day and more than likely because he has Asperger's. Because of the focus and drive he has on things that interest him, he will absolutely do great things. Because he has a gift that not many people have. So this thing. This syndrome. This diagnosis. It is what makes my son who he is. He is awesome and I love him. And he may never be great at small talk. He may never have many friends. But he makes me laugh. He is so funny, without even trying. And when he hugs me, or sits in my lap, I realize what a big deal it is. He amazes me every day. And some days there is a whole lot of ugly stuff to get through, but it is worth it. And every day the grieving of this "perfect" son consumes me a little less and I learn to embrace and love my sweet and special son just as he is.

Enjoying His presence in the present journey

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I can’t even begin to express how much I needed this devotional that I’m doing for Lent. Day 3 hit home with me.

Here is a quote I’d like to share. 

“You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you’re going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you’re not looking where you’re going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don’t know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.”

40 Days with Jesus – Celebrating His Presence by Sarah Young

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

I know that. I have known that as long as I can remember, but it much easier to quote the verse than to live it. If I truly walk with my faith in God, then I don’t really need to worry. And the Bible tells me many times that I shouldn’t worry.

After reading that excerpt from the book, I realize that my worries about things in the far and distant future and keeping me from leading a full and joyful life.

Now most of my blog readers know that our oldest son was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. That brings a whole myriad of new worries for me. It literally consumes my thoughts. I’m reading about it constantly. We are starting different types of therapy, and then we deal with it every day in our life.  I know that it is still pretty new, but I really don’t know that I’ve completely given it to God. There is so much unknown and I have a really hard time of letting go of the unknown. And the thing is, God will do a much better job than I will – so I’m not even really sure why I worry. My worry doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t help God. It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help my family. Why don’t I just let it go? And I certainly will not be able to figure out the unknown. So, I just need to walk by faith. God has got this. He really does.

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. Proverbs 16:9

The above verse changes my perspective on absolutely everything.  So short, yet so profound.

Gracious Father,

Keep my heart open to your guidance. Take my stubbornness out of the way. Remove me and my desires from the equation and lead me where You want me.  Fill my heart with peace so that I don’t worry and so that I can completely trust You. I know you want to prosper me.  My inheritance is not of this world. Help me to remember that every day of my life.  

In your Son’s precious name. Amen.

Being a Husband and my stay at home Wife

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 Back nearly 7 years ago, when we started this blog, it was our family blog and we both posted. We posted pretty infrequently and when posting was done, it was done by me. So by default, it became my blog. My husband had some words from his heart that he wanted to share and asked that I post it on "my" blog.  And if anyone reading it, wants to talk to him about the subject, he welcomes it! So, I welcome my first guest blogger, Chris Holbrook :)

I will always remember the conversation. It was a shock, I disagreed, promised to pray about it, didn’t…but God had a plan.

Just after Harrison was born, we moved back into Alicia’s parent’s house because of the debt we had accrued. So, we were living virtually rent free, I had a company car, so no gas expenses, free childcare, no utilities, and we were in debt up to our eyeballs. Dual income and no expenses along with the help of Alicia’s parents, we were able to knock the debt out quickly. Then we get pregnant.

We were in the living room and Alicia turns to me and say’s, “Chris, I want to stay home with the babies.” I look at her and react as the loving nurturing husband I was at the time, “umm, I don’t see how that can happen”. We discuss her needing to be home with the kids, and how ever since Harrison was born her heart was at home. I heard her, I listened… truly I did; but I had seen the numbers, I knew what my income was. I knew what our debt was. It just didn’t add up.

We ended the conversation that night on completely different sides of the fence. Her heart needed to be home. My reasoning didn’t see a way it could happen. I agreed to at least consider it, and pray asking for guidance. Now, just a quick side note, at the time, my prayer life was virtually non-existent, and when I said I would pray about it, it was my way to say, “Ok, I hear you, but I don’t agree, and I really need you off my back about this”. Sensitive, I know. It’s cool though, God didn’t need me to pray, He had a plan.

Alicia continued to pray and seek opportunities to allow her to make the change. I continued to avoid the subject and continue to see no hope of this ever happening. Still, still had a plan.

Months went by, bills were paid off, and I began to see some hope to this. Trusting Alicia would go back to work if times got tough, I had found the financial stability I needed to agree. This whole staying home thing was a good idea, I mean, I  was starting to enjoy the idea of coming home to my family rather than running around picking everyone up and having fast food on the drive home. However, something inside of me still didn’t warm up to the idea because I was afraid it would fail.

Then Kadie was born, Alicia had plenty of maternity leave, so weeks passed before we had to actually say we were doing this. I finally DID pray, and felt as peace about the whole situation, something I had yet to have since the conversation was brought up. She called Unum, resigned, and we began our lives as a single income family.

Now, I’m not going to go into every detail of what has happened over the course of the last four years to make it all happen because it’s not that important. Just know, we now have our own house, we have a second car, we eat well; and most importantly we are happy. All without Alicia having a full time job. Yes, we still have financial difficulties, but not anything we can’t handle. Yes, we work our tails off, but it’s worth it and I spend way more time with my family now than I did before.

Alicia is able to stay with the children, teach them, play with them, be with them. They have their mommy with them all day, and that makes everyone happy. Although I’m not home during the day, I feel more a part of everyone’s lives than I ever did because I’m just a phone call away. Everything is great.

Then 2012, Harrison is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. The testing came after constant problems at home, and looking back, also problems at school. We start seeing little “quirks” in his behavior and noticing how traditional schooling might not be the best fit for him. We start looking at options, and through a ton of prayer, have decided to home school him starting this summer. Once again God has a plan.

Had we not decided for Alicia to stay home years ago when we could afford it, there is NO way we could or would make the jump now. God’s timing had us making that decision years ago when we felt it was a good move. He knew Harrison, He made him perfectly, and He gave that awesome little boy to us to be his parents. God knew we would want the best for him, and through prayer, we realize right now, homeschooling is what is best for him.

As I look back, I see my screw-ups, my lacks, my weakness, and through it all, I see His strength, His perfect timing, and His Glory shining through our story. Praise be to God!