Weak

I’m going to ask for grace right now. When I’m posting a blog from raw emotions, I really have to edit myself. Translated into I have a terrible potty mouth, especially when I’m emotional. I censor myself around people that I know will be offended. Those who know me well,  know it and hear it. It doesn't mean I love Jesus any less. They are just descriptive words to me, but I know some are really offended.

I am weak. So incredibly weak. Almost a week ago, I completely broke down. It was a long time coming. I hold stuff in for a while and then I just let it out and it flows.

I’m feeling very broken lately. I’m overwhelmed because my house is a wreck. I can’t get enough free time to get it clean. Not just clean, but uncluttered.

I’m upset because our school routine really isn’t working with Harrison. I’m really upset because after spending nearly 6 weeks teaching him, it has become a reality. I have a special needs child. He doesn’t learn the same way other children learn. Before I was the one responsible for educating my child, his differences still just made him quirky. Now I see how hard he has to try in some areas. I am really seeing how he is indeed a boy with special needs. People, that just breaks your heart. Seeing firsthand how your child physically can’t tie his shoes, and crying with him about it…it is heartbreaking. Watching him struggle with handwriting because of sensory issues is frustrating. Seeing him completely zone out when you read aloud to him because he simply can’t focus or process auditory things the way many of us can, makes you want to punch something. Trying to make your house and his environment perfect, so that he doesn’t deal with distractions because of his sensory issues, is damn near impossible. It makes me feel like a failure. I fail him daily because I can’t teach him properly. It breaks my heart and makes me angry.

This is where is gets ugly and raw. I’m feeling so angry. Angry because of what Harrison is going through and what he will go through for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being creative with ways to talk to my son. I am just f@cking angry that I have a special needs child. Why? I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this. I realize that these thoughts may seem terrible. I know because they are my own thoughts. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking them. But I’m real and I’m not going to hide it. I feel like if I’m going through this, someone else must be and maybe that person needs to see that he or she isn’t alone. I would love to know that I’m not alone. I’m really dealing with the anger part of grieving my son’s diagnosis. It sucks.  It freaking sucks.

I’ve been praying a lot about this lately. I’m not going to lie. I’m really glad God listens to my prayers – my emotional potty mouth and all.

While praying, I came to a realization that I’m going about my homeschooling journey all wrong. The entire reason I started this journey is because I wanted to educate my children in a way that best fits their unique needs. I decided to go with a boxed set curriculum because of the ease of lesson planning. What I’ve done is “box” myself in though. I’m freaking out if we don’t get through the lesson plan in one day or if we have too much time left over in one day. Homeschool was supposed to give our family a certain freedom, but yet the only freedom I’ve let myself experience is the part about not panicking when my children stay up too late because we can start school whenever. I have decided  I'm about to add a lot more occupational therapy and social skills to our daily school routine, because that is what he needs the most. Don't worry - he will still be doing all the typical stuff, but we will approach it differently.

God really revealed some cool things to me in my prayers. A while back, our pastor preached on servanthood. It really spoke to me. I’m already very active in church. I  am in Stephen Ministry training, teach Sunday school, head of the Green Team, participate on the mission team, and pretty much help whenever I can with whatever I can. However, I haven’t really been applying it to my real life. You know…my home life. I’ve been struggling lately. My life is very mundane from day to day. If I were to guess, I’d say many stay at home mamas go through this. You start to feel like you can’t wash another dish, prepare another meal, change another diaper, or fold another load of laundry. All of those things really start feeling trivial and meaningless, especially when some of your friends and family have important or exciting jobs. God really said to me loudly and clearly that He has called me in this role of servanthood to my family and I need to take it more seriously. Those meals that I spend time making and often get refused actually do matter. They matter because they nourish my family. The laundry that I inevitably get behind on matters, because it clothes my family.  It matters that I get my daughter to her ballet lesson on time. It matters that I sew on patches to Harrison’s boyscout and karate uniforms. All of those tiny things matter because they are providing what my family needs without them having to worry about it. Now that I’ve added teacher to my trade belt, I don’t keep up with all of those other things as well as I did before. I’m still finding my rhythm and that’s okay. I really feel that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wants me exactly where I am right now, even if I feel I’m failing miserable.

But I’m not miserable. I know this was the journey I was called to take on and that I can do it with God’s guidance and the support of my loved ones. He always gives me just what I need to get through a day – like snuggles on the couch with Harrison while we read, or pearly hugs because she is just sweet, or sweet nursing moments with my growing toddler who will be weaned before you know it. I know I'm where I need to be when I see my precious boy who struggles with balance and coordination proudly ride a bike, or my sweet girl show off her new ballet moves at home, or my stinky "baby" smile at me with dog treat crumbs in his teeth.

Here are the scriptures I’ve turned to lately.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Isaiah 40: 28-31

28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

God has got this. He put me where He wants me. I just have to trust Him, right? 

Hello again

Well, as usual, I drop off the face of the blogging planet during the summer. I'll update my readers on what has been happening in our little world.

We are officially a homeschooling family!
I felt confirmation in this decision many, many months ago and now it is official. I registered Harrison through a church school, Aaron Academy, bought 2nd grade curriculum and we are about to start day 5. The first 3 days were amazing. Day 4 was really rough. I know there are going to be plenty of those days. Those days are part of the reason we felt this was the right decision for our family. We went with the curriculum, My Father's World, which is a Charlotte Mason, classical, and unit study approach. It also incorporates Biblical worldview and international focus. It really seemed like the perfect fit for us. Initially, I was going to go the eclectic approach, and at some point I may. Honestly, I just really need the lesson plans. I'm not the most structured person, so having everything in a lesson plan is perfect. I just look through everything the weekend prior, gather supplies, and teach it. Harrison is really loving the U.S. History aspect and absolutely loves the timeline. He may end up being a history buff.

I didn't choose a box set for Kadie, mainly because of cost. She is pre-k, and I feel pretty strongly that preschoolers should be playing more than anything. I decided we would take a very laid back approach to learning all of the letters, both uppercase and lowercase. We will also learn more about numbers. She already knows her shapes and colors, but we will reinforce them. I'm very likely going to incorporate The Scaredy Cat Reading System during the second half of the year, if she is ready. If not, we will wait for kindergarten. She loves all of it. She loves writing her name, practicing letters, coloring, cutting...the list goes on. She is an eager student. She can handle anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.

I really need to get my butt in gear and get Sam's busy boxes made. He is a wild man/mess during school. He just likes to get into stuff, so I really need activity boxes for him. Spam me with ideas. I'm open for anything.

I can already tell that the laid back approach of home education is perfect for us. I haven't stressed about the kids getting in bed, or how much sleep Harrison is missing because he can't go to sleep at night. I don't feel rushed to get everything done in the hours that Harrison is gone to school, because I don't have to worry about picking him up anymore. Our kids naturally sleep to 8:30-9:00, so we will probably start schooling within an hour of wake time and focusing on math during Sam's nap.

Kadie is taking ballet!
The twirly girl's dream of become a ballerina is finally coming true. She is going to start in September. It is a combo class of ballet and tap that lasts for 45 minutes. We bought her shoes and leotard today, and she has been twirling and pointing all over the house. I'm so excited for her and I cannot wait to see her on the stage in her first performance. It makes my heart happy.

On a different note, Harrison is upset that he isn't taking karate. He had mentioned it earlier in the year, and his occupational therapist suggested some type of martial arts for core strength. I'm currently in research mode, and now that his play therapy is almost over, his schedule will probably allow for it. It was just too much while he was in school, boyscouts, church, and two types of therapy, but now it is a real possibility. I'd love to get him into a homeschool robotics league, but I think I need to be mindful of our commitments.

I'm about halfway through Stephen Ministry training!
Training has really been a blessing to me. I'm learning so much about myself and interacting with others. What I'm learning is really applicable in our home. I'm still a little nervous about my first care relationship assignment, but I know that God has got this under control. One of the biggest things I've learned is how I'm just really not assertive. Ever. I'm really working hard on it. It has been uncomfortable, but therapeutic. I'm praying I can continue this growth without going right back where I started.

Sam will be 2 soon!
He turns 2 in October. I simply cannot believe it. He is still nursing and it varies how much. Some days it is only once and other days, he wants to nurse every time I hold him. I foresee him nursing until he is at least 2. If he is still nursing in the spring, I will evaluate how I'm feeling about it and consider weaning him. He is finally becoming verbal. He speaks a precious and hard to understand toddlerese. He will repeat most things that you ask him to say. There are certain letter sounds that he won't attempt. He also is leery about too many syllables. I can't help but wonder if there might be a speech delay, but I'm fairly certain I could just be paranoid. He talks to us quite a bit now...we just have to figure out what he is saying. He is a tornado. I've never seen a toddler so wild, inquisitive, and full of life.

Chris started back to work/school last week. It is crazy how when school starts, we fall right back into busy time. He still works the same schedule at church, but has a pretty big project he is working on for his other business, Starving Lion Media. It is either "feast or famine" so to speak with our free time.

Well, I'm going to end because it is almost 1:30 am and I do require some sleep.  Perhaps I will blog again soon. Until next time....

Love...

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This passage of scripture is stuck in my head. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

 I'm feeling pretty upset right now. I'm not really going to go into details about why I am upset, because it isn't really important. I don't want to be loving, accepting, kind, or patient and God reminded me of this passage.  I'm a really stubborn creature.  

Sometimes people aren't really worthy of our love. I've definitely been the unworthy one on multiple occasions. Sometimes people are such jerks, or so caught up in themselves and their own stuff, that they make you feel small and insignificant. Sometimes people just make us feel badly. Sometimes they are struggling so much with their own personal things that they don’t intentionally hurt us, but they do. Sometimes they make us angry because they hurt someone that we love. But that is just the thing. They are just people. People make mistakes. I make bad choices on a daily basis. If God based His love for me on my actions, I'd probably seldom receive His love. I'm thankful that He is the example of love. 

Father,

Help me love others the way you love them. Help me to see through the hurt, the bad decisions, the selfishness, the inner turmoil, and love them. Help me show them Grace. Help me remember the example of love that you have shown me over and over again. Help them see You in me.

Amen.