A post Lenten update

Well, as many of you know that I decided to give up yelling for Lent. I kind of thought I was crazy, but I really wanted to do it. I will say that the first week was the most difficult. I caught myself several times and slipped twice. After the first week passed, it definitely became easier.

It's about 2 weeks post Easter and have I started yelling again? Yes, I have yelled some. I can honestly say that the hardest week was the one immediately following Easter. I failed many times in that week. My trigger during that particular week seemed to be hormonal, which has always been one for me.

What have I done to eliminate/reduce yelling?

1. I stop and take a deep breath. It sounds silly, but sometimes just taking the time to breathe before you respond can totally change the way you respond to a situation.

2. I started eliminating stressors in my life. In my case, my stressors were directly related to be over committed. It hasn't happened overnight, but I'm prayerfully eliminating things.  Many of these things won't actually change until the next school year, but knowing change is around the corner has been helpful.

3. Making sure that I eat breakfast. I will admit that I am a horrible breakfast eater. I know that it is a terrible habit. I'm still not perfect on this one, but I know that low blood sugar and hunger are definite triggers for me. I'm also trying to add in a high protein snack during my mid day crash.

4. Trying to reduce my distractions AKA apple products. This is pretty hard because I try to keep my phone on me all day, so it is really easy to pick it up and start playing on Facebook or Instagram.  I love reading blogs and researching and having my iPhone at my fingertips makes it really easy to do just that. However, by not using it as much during the day, I don't snap at my children nearly as much.

5. Offer grace rather than anger. To myself. To others. Everyone deserves grace. Again, I'm nowhere near perfect, but it is a start. During that breath that I'm taking, I try to ask myself if I'm showing grace in my reaction.

6. Getting more sleep. Because I'm a night owl, I often stay up way too late. My burst of energy comes after dinner time. My kids aren't super early risers, but they usually wake up between 7:30-8:00 am. I'm making an effort to get in bed by 11:00pm and allow myself 8 hours of sleep.  When I'm awake until 2:00 am and waking 6 hours later, it catches up to me quickly. I can assure you that sleepyhead Alicia is grouchy and snarky. Also, the more I research, the more I think my sleep issues are hormonal...which brings me to my next point.

What else am I going to do?

I'm going to make some dietary changes. I had gone gluten free with my entire family last year and slowly started introducing it after about 6 months. I realize now that I really felt better when I wasn't consuming gluten. I'm also going to slowly cut out caffeine and sugar. This is going to be really difficult. I'm going to start in about two weeks, when I don't have as many early morning obligations. After doing some research, I think these three steps will help with my hormonal issues that cause so many mood swings for me. I have never officially been diagnosed with thyroid issues, but I have almost every single symptom of hypothyroidism and borderline TSH levels. I've been researching how to heal it with dietary changes and praying this will help the out of whack hormonal issues I deal with regularly. It also seems as if adrenal fatigue and hypothyroidism go hand in hand. Honestly, even if these are not issues, changing my diet won't hurt me at all. I don't expect this to be an easy change or a quick fix. I'm more focused on long term healing with these dietary changes.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

So there you have it. God really blessed me during this Lenten season. I truly feel that ending my Lenten journey with the Walk to Emmaus was such fabulous timing. It really gave me an opportunity to re-focus and re-prioritize. For my friends who dove into this challenge with me, I'd love to hear your feedback. What was hard for you? What changes did you make?

How I came alive

I have a confession.

I’ve never really loved myself that much. Seriously. I’ve struggled my entire life with low self-esteem. Growing up I never felt pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or talented enough. As an adult, I’ve sort of become more comfortable in my own skin, but I still really don’t love what I see everyday. I focus on my bad traits. I have a potty mouth. I have crazy hair. I’m always struggling with my weight. I have mood swings and a fiery temper. I’m stubborn. I’m not successful enough. I’m not patient enough. I’m still not talented enough. I’m not wife enough or mom enough. I’m just never enough. Living a life believing you aren’t enough gets depressing.

About a year ago, I felt a pretty clear calling that I needed to homeschool my kids. I felt pretty confident in this decision. Or did I? Wait, did I make the right choice? I’m really not good at it. Nothing works for more than a week at a time. I can’t run errands without children anymore. I have no time for just me. My house stays even messier than usual. I just can’t seem to figure out the balance. My kids would be better off in public school. I’m just not enough. I’m not what they need.

I have a child who is difficult. Awesome, but difficult. I never get it right with him. I’m not enough for him.

I was literally broken yesterday. I wanted a new life.

I went to a Women’s conference at my church yesterday. I had pretty much talked myself out of going. Chris had to run sound and our kids were staying with grandparents. I could just stay at home by myself. I love being alone. I needed to be alone. Then our worship leader posted on Facebook that he needed someone to work the band table to sell t-shirts and CD’s. I decided I’d work the table. Knowing good and well that meant I had to go to this conference. I even thought about sitting in the tech booth with my husband and not really listening. I kept feeling that nudge to go in the worship center. So I did.

Our speaker encouraged us that God would never let us fall off the rollercoaster and He was our seatbelt. She asked us what we were clinging to and encouraged us that God is always fighting for us. She told us it was okay to come alive in the chaos of life. I left feeling good and refreshed.

We went out with some friends for a late dinner afterwards and had lots of fun. We stayed out after midnight and I had to wake up the early the next morning. I would have stayed in bed if I didn’t have to work the band table. I felt I got what I needed from the conference on Friday night.

Boy was I wrong.

Our speaker said God gave her a new message for today. A message on healing. I didn’t need healing. I’m saved. I know God loves. Or wait….do I need healing? We need let God heal our wounds from the inside before we bandage them. How many times do we stick a bandage on our wounds and go on? I’d say more often than not. We had an open invitation to the alter and I practically ran. I prayed and wept and prayed and wept. I received healing and felt the presence of God in the most powerful way. In fact, when I sat back in my seat next to my sweet friend, all I could say was, “wow.”

Guess what?

I have been believing lies from the enemy for way too long.

I’m done.

God said it is finished.  I believe Him.

I am enough.

I am enough because God created me to be me. He delights in me. He made me fearfully and wonderfully and wants to see me prosper. He loved me so much that He gave me salvation through His son. I am enough through Christ.

I can be a homeschooling mom. I can be a mom to a special needs child. I can use the talents I do have to glorify God. I can accept my body. I can be the wife my husband needs and the mom my kids need. I am a work in progress and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I’m going to screw up every day. Every day. But that’s okay. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t define me because God isn’t finished with me.  He is making me new.

I came alive today.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Love...

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This passage of scripture is stuck in my head. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

 I'm feeling pretty upset right now. I'm not really going to go into details about why I am upset, because it isn't really important. I don't want to be loving, accepting, kind, or patient and God reminded me of this passage.  I'm a really stubborn creature.  

Sometimes people aren't really worthy of our love. I've definitely been the unworthy one on multiple occasions. Sometimes people are such jerks, or so caught up in themselves and their own stuff, that they make you feel small and insignificant. Sometimes people just make us feel badly. Sometimes they are struggling so much with their own personal things that they don’t intentionally hurt us, but they do. Sometimes they make us angry because they hurt someone that we love. But that is just the thing. They are just people. People make mistakes. I make bad choices on a daily basis. If God based His love for me on my actions, I'd probably seldom receive His love. I'm thankful that He is the example of love. 

Father,

Help me love others the way you love them. Help me to see through the hurt, the bad decisions, the selfishness, the inner turmoil, and love them. Help me show them Grace. Help me remember the example of love that you have shown me over and over again. Help them see You in me.

Amen.

A Love Letter

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 This is my 100th post on this blog and I thought about doing something cool to celebrate, but that wasn't what was in my heart. So, yay for 100 posts...let's move on....

My husband and I were talking this evening in the van, where we have many of our most meaningful conversations. I was telling him some things that have been in my heart for the past few days. I feel like God wants me to go deeper with some of the things I write on my blog, but I don’t really know if I’m ready to expose so much of myself. But then again, I can’t really ignore it.  One thing I mentioned to him was how I feel more appreciative of God’s grace and love, having experienced some true  lows in my life.  So, I sit here tonight, praying and this is what is in my heart. It is a love letter to God.

It was dark and cold. I was so forlorn. My soul was desolate and I was unyielding, though I knew the truth.

I disregarded all I knew. All the verities I knew of You. I made the choice to keep about my ways; despite my loss of joy and my pain.

Sometimes the truth isn’t always easy to embrace. Sometimes it is easier to make the wrong choice. Yet You remain, steadfast and true.

Then I truly experienced your grace. I allowed you to overtake me and pursue the depths of my soul. You embraced me and showed me love, like I’ve never experienced before. Because this time, I was ready to accept that love. You have always loved me the same, but I’m a rather obstinate creature.  I ran away from your love.

So here I am, still open to receiving that outpouring of love. It has made me a new creation. I love others differently because I want to see them how You see them -beautiful souls made in your image.

I am nothing without You and I have everything because of You. It is in You that I place my trust. My faith. My life. I am Yours and I’m no longer lonely. I have a peace that comes only from You.  You are Good and I’m glad I am Yours.