Wow. I feel like I really need to write about this, but it is going to be hard because my thoughts are all over the place. Last Thursday on November 10, I had a day where I was able to really listen to God. Those days are rare in my life because of my three small children. I rarely have such quiet times. It was wonderful. I didn't have any errands to run; Kadie was at school; Sam took a great nap; and I was at my mom's. I was in a spirit of prayer all day. I felt pretty clearly I knew where God was leading me (a specific ministry) and had a couple of signs from previous days that I felt were putting me in the right place. We spent the weekend at church and the message on Sunday solidified it for me. It was the sign I needed to take the plunge and start finding out about how I could be a part of this ministry. We sang "I surrender all" at church and I was there. I was surrendering all of it.
I need to backtrack slightly. About a month ago, we started a project in our living room. The project involved tearing a wall down and rebuilding it. It has been a month and our living room still looks like a construction zone. Now, this is hard for anyone to deal with, but to a stay at home mom of 3 young children, this is chaos. I spend a great deal of my time trying to keep my young children out of this room because they can get hurt. And this is our only room with enough seating for our family, other than the kitchen. It has been rough, not having the heart of our home in a usable condition for over a month, and this actually has me pretty frazzled on a daily basis.
Ok, on top of the living room, we've been pounded with unexpected expenses lately that we simply can't handle. I have a part time job that I work from home and generally I only work a few hours a week. Due to all of these things, I've really been trying to work more this month. My initial goal was 4 hours a night and I'm not coming anywhere close and we are halfway though November, so I'm a little frazzled about that.
Ok, fast forward to Sunday night. I always get slightly behind laundry on the weekend, so Sunday night and Monday's are my catch up days. There are five of us and we cloth diaper, so laundry is a big part of my life. On top of being behind on laundry, I have around 30 shirts I need to tie dye for various orders, and that needs a washer. So I put a load in the washer and go about my business. I have to make a late night trip to Wal-Mart because our only set of bedsheets gets a gigantic rip which can't be patched. So when I come back I put the sheets in the washer and everything is fine. The sheets are now in the dryer and I have a load of school and work clothes going for Chris & Harrison. I come into the laundry room to change them to the dryer and I see a ripped shirt sleeve of H's school shirt. What is going on? So I open the washer and find that the bellow has gotten damaged and eaten a shirt. Chris puts the bellow back in and we think we are fine. I start another load and we hear water leaking everywhere. After spending a few minutes in the laundry room, Chris determines we need a new bellow. Awesome. Sam's diapers were supposed to be next. So we get online, order the part and have it expedited to arrive on Tuesday.
Monday was a particularly ordinary day. I kept Harrison home from school due to a pretty bad eczema rash on his back and bottom. The kids were awesome and I got a lot around the house caught up. I met with my Women's Bible Study group, which is always nice. Tuesday my washer part was supposed to come in, so I was going to finish my laundry and dye my Christmas tree shirts. The part came in and Chris put it on late the evening because we had play rehearsal at church earlier (Now remember, I work when my kids go to bed - we have obligations every night this week, our kids are getting to bed late every night and I'm not getting to work until 9 or 10). So, the part doesn't fix the problem and he is too exhausted to deal with it, so it gets put on the back burner until Wednesday. - meanwhile laundry keeps piling. Also, I find out on Tuesday, that the concert I'm going to on Thursday (and have been looking forward to all week) is cancelled. I was so incredibly bummed because I so needed that in my life.
I should also add that for the past 2 days, we've been struggling with some behavioral issues with Harrison. Some bigger things that we feel like we've exhausted all efforts on and it is becoming clear that he might more help than what we can give him, so I am waiting to hear back about counseling/testing. Wednesday morning I felt helpless and like a failure because my son was struggling and I couldn't help him. My spirit was broken. I was an emotional mess.
For most of Wednesday, I am running errands and it is pouring down rain. It is never fun to run errands in the rain with small children. We have church that night and are there slightly later than usual because of something special we were asked to do. By the time we get home and get the kids in bed, it is late again. Chris can't figure out what is going on with the washer. He says he will try again when he gets home from work on Thursday.
At this point, I am beyond my breaking point. I'm letting myself get angry about circumstances. I feel helpless and out of control and I'm just plain angry. I've decided to go to a laundry mat Thursday to get the laundry caught up, while Chris gives it a last ditch effort to fix the washer. However, when I wake up Thursday morning, I realize that if I go to my mom's house I can do 3 loads of wash at a time based on all of my family that lives in close vicinity, and it will be cheaper than a laundry mat. So I spend all day Thursday at my mom's, sister's and nieces, running back and forth doing laundry. It was exhausting. Even though my concert was cancelled, I still had plans to meet my friends and hang out with them for an hour or so. So I come home for a few hours and hang out with my family and I meet up with friends for about 2 hours. Upon arriving home, it is clear to me that Chris can't fix the washer so it is time to call in a repair man. Yet another expense with horrible timing. Chris and I are both on edge because of all the stress. I need to work but I'm exhausted so I only get an hour of work in before I crash. I set my alarm for 4:30am in hopes to wake up and get some work done before I have to take Harrison to school. Harrison also has a small performance at school on Friday morning.
Friday morning I wake up early. I do my devotion bright and early. I'm happy. We are back to our happy selves, listening to music and dancing while we get ready. All 4 of us are ready to leave the house by 7:30, which gives plenty of time to get there for Harrison's performance. My van was parked on the street and running because it was cold outside. I get the kids loaded into the van, sit down to drive off and it is dying. My van was out of gas. Seriously? I haven't run out of gas since I was in college and this morning? Out of all mornings? So I'm trying to be rational and I remember that we should have a gas canister somewhere in our basement. I call my hubby to inquire the whereabouts of said gas canister. He tells me where it is, I find it. It feels like it has a decent amount inside, so this all was going to be okay. I pour the gas into my van and go to restart it. Nothing. I'm no longer rational at this point. I call my mother-in-law to see if she can pick up Harrison, in effort to get him to school on time, so she is on her way. Then I call Chris again and tell him. He tells me to put the van in neutral and let it coast down the hill so I can start the van. I do exactly that, but the power steering in our van is acting up (a recall on it that I need to address) and I almost hit our mailbox and can't get it steered where it needs to go. I slam on the brakes so we don't go into the ditch. Meanwhile, Harrison is sobbing hysterically because he doesn't want to miss his assembly. I'm crying because I'm angry and I'm broken and I simply can't deal with this in my life at this point. I got the van stopped and on a level spot and it started! Chris tells me to drive to the gas station. I irrationally respond because I feel like he is asking me to take a huge and stupid risk and that I will surely run out of gas again but on a much busier road. And I simply can't be stranded with 3 kids and no gas. After a few minutes, I realize I must drive to the gas station, to which I make it safely. Meanwhile, I call my mother-in-law to let her know I got my van to start and don't need her to take him to school. We get to the gas station and leave within a few minutes. We have less than 15 minutes to get Harrison to school, so I explain to him that he may not make it in time. It was my fault because I didn't pay attention to my gas tank and I was really sorry. He was so sweet. "Mommy, it is okay. It isn't your fault. It is my fault." Oh my goodness, it is not your fault. So we drive on to school, and somehow get there with 4 minutes to spare. I tell him to get out of the van and walk as quickly as he can and that we will catch up with him. Of course, he doesn't want to leave us behind and of course Kadie drops her hair clip and tries to have a 3 year old tantrum while walking in. He literally went flying in as the tardy bell was ringing. But alas, he got to perform and it was sweet. He was typical goofy little Harrison because he was embarrassed. So we hang out long enough to hug him and then we head back home.
So we get home, I make some phone calls about the washer and get a repairman set up for Monday. All in all, our Friday was okay. I was able to dye some shirts and use my mother-in-law's washer on Saturday to finish the shirts so that they could get to a friend on time. Chris and I set up a game plan to finish our chaotic living room. I'm settling down a bit.
Saturday night at church, in our small class with Pastor Ramon, we are discussing James and anger. And it becomes so clear to me that I let anger get me off course over the week. I lost my focus and could have handled things so much differently, but I let Alicia get in the way. Alicia with the quick temper and Alicia, the worrier.
And then in the worship service, I witnessed one of the most beautiful things ever. Our worship leader asked two special needs ladies in our church to worship with him on stage. And they worship by using sign language during music. And to see these two beautiful ladies worshipping so freely and so beautifully....it just made me sit back and re-focus on what is truly important. And of course, Pastor Ramon's service spoke to me as if he was preaching only for me. And Sunday School, solidified everything for me. God's words healed my spirit.
Then last night when I was praying about my week and repenting for my attitude and anger, I looked back and saw the small things that kept me going through the week. A text from a dear friend saying exactly what I needed to hear; a silly picture from a sweet young lady that made me smile and laugh; an encouraging phone call from one of my sisters; unprompted hugs and kisses from my children.
As I type all of this out, I realize my problems are all first world problems. And they seem terrible to me but really, I am still beyond blessed. And looking back at the spiritual high I was experiencing when all of this happened, I feel like I was being attacked and I let my guard down. I'm aware now. Really aware. And sometimes because of how stubborn I am, I feel like I have to reach this point of brokenness to actually really hear God. So not only am I aware but I'm listening and by the grace of God, I will not allow myself to get bogged down this week. Nothing of my own doing will keep that from happening but I will be absolutely saturating myself in Goodness.
And I'm incredibly grateful for the healing Words I heard this weekend and from the encouragement I received from special people in my life. God is good.
