Weak

I’m going to ask for grace right now. When I’m posting a blog from raw emotions, I really have to edit myself. Translated into I have a terrible potty mouth, especially when I’m emotional. I censor myself around people that I know will be offended. Those who know me well,  know it and hear it. It doesn't mean I love Jesus any less. They are just descriptive words to me, but I know some are really offended.

I am weak. So incredibly weak. Almost a week ago, I completely broke down. It was a long time coming. I hold stuff in for a while and then I just let it out and it flows.

I’m feeling very broken lately. I’m overwhelmed because my house is a wreck. I can’t get enough free time to get it clean. Not just clean, but uncluttered.

I’m upset because our school routine really isn’t working with Harrison. I’m really upset because after spending nearly 6 weeks teaching him, it has become a reality. I have a special needs child. He doesn’t learn the same way other children learn. Before I was the one responsible for educating my child, his differences still just made him quirky. Now I see how hard he has to try in some areas. I am really seeing how he is indeed a boy with special needs. People, that just breaks your heart. Seeing firsthand how your child physically can’t tie his shoes, and crying with him about it…it is heartbreaking. Watching him struggle with handwriting because of sensory issues is frustrating. Seeing him completely zone out when you read aloud to him because he simply can’t focus or process auditory things the way many of us can, makes you want to punch something. Trying to make your house and his environment perfect, so that he doesn’t deal with distractions because of his sensory issues, is damn near impossible. It makes me feel like a failure. I fail him daily because I can’t teach him properly. It breaks my heart and makes me angry.

This is where is gets ugly and raw. I’m feeling so angry. Angry because of what Harrison is going through and what he will go through for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being creative with ways to talk to my son. I am just f@cking angry that I have a special needs child. Why? I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this. I realize that these thoughts may seem terrible. I know because they are my own thoughts. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking them. But I’m real and I’m not going to hide it. I feel like if I’m going through this, someone else must be and maybe that person needs to see that he or she isn’t alone. I would love to know that I’m not alone. I’m really dealing with the anger part of grieving my son’s diagnosis. It sucks.  It freaking sucks.

I’ve been praying a lot about this lately. I’m not going to lie. I’m really glad God listens to my prayers – my emotional potty mouth and all.

While praying, I came to a realization that I’m going about my homeschooling journey all wrong. The entire reason I started this journey is because I wanted to educate my children in a way that best fits their unique needs. I decided to go with a boxed set curriculum because of the ease of lesson planning. What I’ve done is “box” myself in though. I’m freaking out if we don’t get through the lesson plan in one day or if we have too much time left over in one day. Homeschool was supposed to give our family a certain freedom, but yet the only freedom I’ve let myself experience is the part about not panicking when my children stay up too late because we can start school whenever. I have decided  I'm about to add a lot more occupational therapy and social skills to our daily school routine, because that is what he needs the most. Don't worry - he will still be doing all the typical stuff, but we will approach it differently.

God really revealed some cool things to me in my prayers. A while back, our pastor preached on servanthood. It really spoke to me. I’m already very active in church. I  am in Stephen Ministry training, teach Sunday school, head of the Green Team, participate on the mission team, and pretty much help whenever I can with whatever I can. However, I haven’t really been applying it to my real life. You know…my home life. I’ve been struggling lately. My life is very mundane from day to day. If I were to guess, I’d say many stay at home mamas go through this. You start to feel like you can’t wash another dish, prepare another meal, change another diaper, or fold another load of laundry. All of those things really start feeling trivial and meaningless, especially when some of your friends and family have important or exciting jobs. God really said to me loudly and clearly that He has called me in this role of servanthood to my family and I need to take it more seriously. Those meals that I spend time making and often get refused actually do matter. They matter because they nourish my family. The laundry that I inevitably get behind on matters, because it clothes my family.  It matters that I get my daughter to her ballet lesson on time. It matters that I sew on patches to Harrison’s boyscout and karate uniforms. All of those tiny things matter because they are providing what my family needs without them having to worry about it. Now that I’ve added teacher to my trade belt, I don’t keep up with all of those other things as well as I did before. I’m still finding my rhythm and that’s okay. I really feel that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wants me exactly where I am right now, even if I feel I’m failing miserable.

But I’m not miserable. I know this was the journey I was called to take on and that I can do it with God’s guidance and the support of my loved ones. He always gives me just what I need to get through a day – like snuggles on the couch with Harrison while we read, or pearly hugs because she is just sweet, or sweet nursing moments with my growing toddler who will be weaned before you know it. I know I'm where I need to be when I see my precious boy who struggles with balance and coordination proudly ride a bike, or my sweet girl show off her new ballet moves at home, or my stinky "baby" smile at me with dog treat crumbs in his teeth.

Here are the scriptures I’ve turned to lately.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Isaiah 40: 28-31

28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

God has got this. He put me where He wants me. I just have to trust Him, right?