His law is love and His gospel is peace

The post title are beautiful lyrics from "Oh, Holy Night." It is a very moving song. That phrase speaks volumes to me. That is the God I know. He sent Jesus, for me. For you. Let us live our lives in the law of love and being peaceful. I have shared some powerful images that I've seen (while on Pinterest). I feel these images really help depict how we are supposed to live. 

Staying grounded in Truth

I apologize in advance if this post is hard to follow. It has been on my mind for a few days and I'm just now able to sit down and write it. I'd really love advice or feedback on this one, so please leave me a comment.

We all have a sense of what we believe is right and wrong. For most of us, that began as we were small children and our parents instilled beliefs into us that they felt were important enough to pass on to us. For some of us, these core beliefs and values were reinforced by church. Maybe some of them through school. But what I believe now, as an adult, isn't really the same as what my parents taught me. It took me living my life and experiences to make me who I am today. I certainly have used a lot of what I was taught by my parents as my building blocks. So as a parent, I understand that foundation is vital. Especially to keep my children grounded through childhood and adolescence.

I won't really dive into too much of what my beliefs and values are because that isn't the point of this post. I'm a Christian, but I'm pretty liberal with my beliefs, especially compared to how I was raised and the beliefs that were instilled in me as a youth. Essentially, most of what I believe, is supporting human rights 100% because I feel that is what Jesus supported. So that makes me hardcore pro life, against all forms of the death penalty, and equality for everyone with civil rights. Then there is a bunch of stuff in between.

For example, I was raised believing that drinking alcohol was absolutely wrong. Granted I had an alcoholic father for the bigger part of my life, but it was also instilled in me through my church. As an adult, I've learned it isn't consumption of alcohol isn't actually what is sinful, it is how much  you consume and what you choose to do while consuming it that can be sinful. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I love beer. But I do not drink to get drunk. I just love beer. Just like I love coffee. Just like I love chocolate. Now the lessons that I've learned through being irresponsible with alcohol are definitely noteworthy, but again, not for this post. I know on a very personal level that irresponsibility with alcohol can ruin your life. It can ruin your child's life. It can ruin a lot of things, like making you do something that will change your life forever, in a way you did not wish for. At all.

Now, I look at my children and what we are trying to instill in them as core beliefs. Ultimately, I want my children to grow up loving Jesus and loving others. Everything else really doesn't matter. I can already see kindness and a love for people developing in my oldest son's heart. Is this just his personality or is something that has been nurtured to become that way? I really don't know.

We don't let our kids use crude language. Well, we try our best not to. It has definitely been an area of our life that has been difficult. I used to have the mouth of a sailor and so did Chris. I think mine developing from working in restaurants through college, but Chris used to work in news, and it was just a way of life. I think we are both pretty desensitized towards some words because of our pasts, but are mindful of how we speak in front of our kids. This lesson was learned, when we were visiting our now church home. Harrison was two and screamed, "damn it" really loudly in church. It is actually pretty funny, so ask me about it sometime. But what we are teaching our kids right now about crude language, isn't really something essential. I mean, I don't want them flippantly using the F word, but I'd much rather them say the F word than get belligerently drunk every weekend in college. 

And as I'm aging I'm seeing that Christians who are real and that aren't completely sheltered from everything the word has to offer, are definitely more effective than the judgmental and sheltered type. If I live in my Christian bubble of contemporary Christian music, Sky Angel cable and only hanging out with my church friends, how am I to relate to unbelievers? How can I love them if I'm judging them and I'm stuck in my Jesus bubble?  And I'm not saying that super conservative Christians are not good people and that they don't reach others, but I've found it is not the way for me.

So my question, is how do you teach your children to stay grounded in their beliefs and it actually work? My main reason for questioning is because I feel I strayed so incredibly far through my 20's and basically made the choice to ignore what I knew was right. I don't want that for my children. I don't want that for anyone that I know and love. Is the reason I strayed so far, because I was unreasonably conservative and just felt the need to rebel? I have actually questioned if my faith was even real as a youth, because I strayed so far. But I know deep within my heart that it was real. I was not raised in church. I went on my own accord from the time I was twelve until early college and I had some of the most spiritually rich experiences that really impacted me. I honestly feel it was because I let myself become desensitized to the point where I  knew I was turning my back away from God. But why did I make that choice? I can never get those years back and I don't want the people I love to make those same mistakes. Has anyone else had similar experiences? Why do you feel it happened? Is there something I can do as a parent to keep my children from going through this? Or is this where faith comes in? Does it depend on the personality of a person?

To My Love

I love you and I know you know it. But I hope you know how much I love you. You consume my thoughts. Good or bad, you consume them. You are my best friend. You are my soul mate. You make me crazy, giddy, angry, silly, frustrated, and joyful.

Twelve years ago when I was cooking dinner for you and just your friend, I had no idea. No idea. I was in my "bad boy" phase and you weren't even close to that. Still aren't, and that's cool. I had no idea that you would make me a wife, a mother and a different person. A better person.

I love you. I love your eyes. I even love your beard. I love your thick hands. I love your ridiculously corny jokes. I love how you still give me butterflies when we go on dates and the way my hands tingle when you hold them. I love that you give things voices and that you make up silly songs about everything with me. I love sharing my life with you and I can't wait to share many more years with you.

You make me want to be a better person. After nearly 12 years together, and 10 1/2 of them being married, we've had our shares of high and lows. It  hasn't  always been easy and some days seemed impossible, but I know that God gave us each other for our lifetime and that makes me happy. You rock.

I love you, Christopher.

ABC's

I woke up this morning thinking today was going to be a wonderful day. It felt poetic. I generally don't wake up happy because I stay up too late and get up too early, so it is a process for me. Usually a process that involves several cups of coffee.

Today has been one of those days that I want to forget. In fact, my wonderful husband is bringing me a bottle of wine home so that I can chill out. That actually makes me really, really happy.

But I'm not actually going to write about my terrible day. I really don't care about it anymore. It is a just a day and all of the unpleasant things that happened today really won't matter by the end of the week. Some of them won't even matter by tomorrow.

I'm just blogging tonight just because. I'm feeling quite random. Well, I'm never completely random because I'm a little bit OCD. I think I'm going to list all of the things in my head that come to mind with each letter of the alphabet. I feel like blogging but I really don't have any meaningful words to post. I'm feeling quite the opposite right now. So here goes...

A- Amazing Grace -my favorite song
B- Box of wine that my husband just arrived with and we can't remember if it was the good kind that we liked or the gross kind that sat on top of the fridge until we poured it out. A close second was Banjo. I am starting to have a thing for banjos, especially dudes who play banjos. I may relent and let Chris purchase one.
C-Cacti - I used to have a cacti collection when I was a young girl.
D- Dread locks. I want them and I'm going to start out with some wool ones really soon.
E- Elephants. They are cute in a weird, awkward way.
F- Flowers for Algernon - Chris just informed me, that at the rate I'm going, my blog post is going to be comparable to the format of this book.
G-Giddy. Man is a giddy thing.
H- Harrison Elliott - pretty freakin' awesome little dude. He makes me really happy and challenges me about 1,000 times a day. He is so stinkin' smart.
I - Ink - Planning another tattoo. I'm thinking of a tree of some sort to represent me & the hubs, with our names incorporated. I'd like to incorporate our kids into it as well. I need an artist friend to design it for me.
J- Jesus is a friend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8&feature=share
K- Kids. They drive me batty but I love them so much it hurts. They are such a big part of I have become in the past 6 years and I would not trade them for anything.
L -Lionel Ritchie. His name and face has brought me endless tears of laughter since August-ish.
M-Marriage. I freakin' love him. He is the only man I've ever loved.  He has my whole heart. He makes me happy. He pisses me off too. But I still love him like crazy.
N-Naps. I don't take them. Chris would take them all of the time. H & K don't take them. Sam does. I would love to, but I'm a freak and I can't take a nap unless I'm pregnant. Not enough reason for me...
O- Obligatory. I just really like saying that word.
P-Pearly - She is so girly, and I'm sooo not. She twirls, dances, giggles, hugs and gives me hugs, just because. She is very pink and sparkly. She is wonderful.
Q- Quilt. I want to make a quilt. We have some really cool pieces from Cho's great grandma that I just need to put on a backing.
R- Reggae. Because I happen to be listening to a reggae-ish song right now.
S- Samchop - seriously the coolest baby dude, ever. He keeps me on my toes, but I love that kid so much. He is awesome. He makes me smile like a million times a day.
T- Troglodyte. Cave dweller!
U-Unadventurous. I do not want to live my life lacking boldness.
V- Violet. If we were to ever have another girl, her name is Violet.
W- Wookie. We are Star Wars fans.
X- Xanthan gum. It is a food additive. Because what else start with x?
Y- Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony.
Z-Zap - see video listed under "J".

So there you have it. And by the way, the box of wine was the good kind.

Spiritual Rollercoaster

Wow. I feel like I really need to write about this, but it is going to be hard because my thoughts are all over the place. Last Thursday on November 10, I had a day where I was able to really listen to God. Those days are rare in my life because of my three small children. I rarely have such quiet times. It was wonderful. I didn't have any errands to run; Kadie was at school; Sam took a great nap; and I was at my mom's. I was in a spirit of prayer all day. I felt pretty clearly I knew where God was leading me (a specific ministry) and had a couple of signs from previous days that I felt were putting me in the right place. We spent the weekend at church and the message on Sunday solidified it for me. It was the sign I needed to take the plunge and start finding out about how I could be a part of this ministry. We sang "I surrender all" at church and I was there. I was surrendering all of it.

I need to backtrack slightly. About a month ago, we started a project in our living room. The project involved tearing a wall down and rebuilding it. It has been a month and our living room still looks like a construction zone. Now, this is hard for anyone to deal with, but to a stay at home mom of 3 young children, this is chaos. I spend a great deal of my time trying to keep my young children out of this room because they can get hurt. And this is our only room with enough seating for our family, other than the kitchen. It has been rough, not having the heart of our home in a usable condition for over a month, and this actually has me pretty frazzled on a daily basis.

Ok, on top of the living room, we've been pounded with unexpected expenses lately that we simply can't handle. I have a part time job that I work from home and generally I only work a few hours a week. Due to all of these things, I've really been trying to work more this month. My initial goal was 4 hours a night and I'm not coming anywhere close and we are halfway though November, so I'm a little frazzled about that.

Ok, fast forward to Sunday night. I always get slightly behind laundry on the weekend, so Sunday night and Monday's are my catch up days.  There are five of us and we cloth diaper, so laundry is a big part of my life. On top of being behind on laundry, I have around 30 shirts I need to tie dye for various orders, and that needs a washer. So I put a load in the washer and go about my business. I have to make a late night trip to Wal-Mart because our only set of bedsheets gets a gigantic rip which can't be patched. So when I come back I put the sheets in the washer and everything is fine. The sheets are now in the dryer and I have a load of school and work clothes going for Chris & Harrison. I come into the laundry room to change them to the dryer and I see a ripped shirt sleeve of H's school shirt. What is going on? So I open the washer and find that the bellow has gotten damaged and eaten a shirt. Chris puts the bellow back in and we think we are fine. I start another load and we hear water leaking everywhere. After spending a few minutes in the laundry room, Chris determines we need a new bellow. Awesome. Sam's diapers were supposed to be next. So we get online, order the part and have it expedited to arrive on Tuesday.

Monday was a particularly ordinary day. I kept Harrison home from school due to a pretty bad eczema rash on his back and bottom. The kids were awesome and I got a lot around the house caught up. I met with my Women's Bible Study group, which is always nice. Tuesday my washer part was supposed to come in, so I was going to finish my laundry and dye my Christmas tree shirts. The part came in and Chris put it on late the evening because we had play rehearsal at church earlier (Now remember, I work when my kids go to bed - we have obligations every night this week, our kids are getting to bed late every night and I'm not getting to work until 9 or 10). So, the part doesn't fix the problem and he is too exhausted to deal with it, so it gets put on the back burner until Wednesday. - meanwhile laundry keeps piling. Also, I find out on Tuesday, that the concert I'm going to on Thursday (and have been looking forward to all week) is cancelled. I was so incredibly bummed because I so needed that in my life.

I should also add that for the past 2 days, we've been struggling with some behavioral issues with Harrison. Some bigger things that we feel like we've exhausted all efforts on and it is becoming clear that he might more help than what we can give him, so I am waiting to hear back about counseling/testing. Wednesday morning I felt helpless and like a failure because my son was struggling and I couldn't help him. My spirit was broken. I was an emotional mess.

For most of Wednesday, I am running errands and it is pouring down rain. It is never fun to run errands in the rain with small children. We have church that night and are there slightly later than usual because of something special we were asked to do. By the time we get home and get the kids in bed, it is late again. Chris can't figure out what is going on with the washer. He says he will try again when he gets home from work on Thursday.

At this point, I am beyond my breaking point. I'm letting myself get angry about circumstances. I feel helpless and out of control and I'm just plain angry. I've decided to go to a laundry mat Thursday to get the laundry caught up, while Chris gives it a last ditch effort to fix the washer. However, when I wake up Thursday morning, I realize that if I go to my mom's house I can do 3 loads of wash at a time based on all of my family that lives in close vicinity, and it will be cheaper than a laundry mat. So I spend all day Thursday at my mom's, sister's and nieces, running back and forth doing laundry. It was exhausting. Even though my concert was cancelled, I still had plans to meet my friends and hang out with them for an hour or so. So I come home for a few hours and hang out with my family and I meet up with friends for about 2 hours. Upon arriving home, it is clear to me that Chris can't fix the washer so it is time to call in a repair man. Yet another expense with horrible timing. Chris and I are both on edge because of all the stress. I need to work but I'm exhausted so I only get an hour of work in before I crash. I set my alarm for 4:30am in hopes to wake up and get some work done before I have to take Harrison to school. Harrison also has a small performance at school on Friday morning.

Friday morning I wake up early. I do my devotion bright and early. I'm happy. We are back to our happy selves, listening to music and dancing while we get ready. All 4 of us are ready to leave the house by 7:30, which gives plenty of time to get there for Harrison's performance. My van was parked on the street and running because it was cold outside. I get the kids loaded into the van, sit down to drive off and it is dying. My van was out of gas. Seriously? I haven't run out of gas since I was in college and this morning? Out of all mornings? So I'm trying to be rational and I remember that we should have a gas canister somewhere in our basement. I call my hubby to inquire the whereabouts of said gas canister. He tells me where it is, I find it. It feels like it has a decent amount inside, so this all was going to be okay. I pour the gas into my van and go to restart it. Nothing. I'm no longer rational at this point. I call my mother-in-law to see if she can pick up Harrison, in effort to get him to school on time, so she is on her way. Then I call Chris again and tell him. He tells me to put the van in neutral and let it coast down the hill so I can start the van. I do exactly that, but the power steering in our van is acting up (a recall on it that I need to address) and I almost hit our mailbox and can't get it steered where it needs to go. I slam on the brakes so we don't go into the ditch. Meanwhile, Harrison is sobbing hysterically because he doesn't want to miss his assembly. I'm crying because I'm angry and I'm broken and I simply can't deal with this in my life at this point. I got the van stopped and on a level spot and it started! Chris tells me to drive to the gas station. I irrationally respond because I feel like he is asking me to take a huge and stupid risk and that I will surely run out of gas again but on a much busier road. And I simply can't be stranded with 3 kids and no gas. After a few minutes, I realize I must drive to the gas station, to which I make it safely. Meanwhile, I call my mother-in-law to let her know I got my van to start and don't need her to take him to school. We get to the gas station and leave within a few minutes. We have less than 15 minutes to get Harrison to school, so I explain to him that he may not make it in time. It was my fault because I didn't pay attention to my gas tank and I was really sorry. He was so sweet. "Mommy, it is okay. It isn't your fault. It is my fault." Oh my goodness, it is not your fault. So we drive on to school, and somehow get there with 4 minutes to spare. I tell him to get out of the van and walk as quickly as he can and that we will catch up with him. Of course, he doesn't want to leave us behind and of course Kadie drops her hair clip and tries to have a 3 year old tantrum while walking in. He literally went flying in as the tardy bell was ringing. But alas, he got to perform and it was sweet. He was typical goofy little Harrison because he was embarrassed. So we hang out long enough to hug him and then we head back home.

So we get home, I make some phone calls about the washer and get a repairman set up for  Monday. All in all, our Friday was okay. I was able to dye some shirts and use my mother-in-law's washer on Saturday to finish the shirts so that they could get to a friend on time.  Chris and I set up a game plan to finish our chaotic living room. I'm settling down a bit.

Saturday night at church, in our small class with Pastor Ramon, we are discussing James and anger. And it becomes so clear to me that I let anger get me off course over the week. I lost my focus and could have handled things so much differently, but I let Alicia get in the way. Alicia with the quick temper and Alicia, the worrier.

And then in the worship service, I witnessed one of the most beautiful things ever. Our worship leader asked two special needs ladies in our church to worship with him on stage. And they worship by using sign language during music. And to see these two beautiful ladies worshipping so freely and so beautifully....it just made me sit back and re-focus on what is truly important. And of course, Pastor Ramon's service spoke to me as if he was preaching only for me. And Sunday School, solidified everything for me. God's words healed my spirit.

Then last night when I was praying about my week and repenting for my attitude and anger, I looked back and saw the small things that kept me going through the week. A text from a dear friend saying exactly what I needed to hear; a silly picture from a sweet young lady that made me smile and laugh; an encouraging phone call from one of my sisters; unprompted hugs and kisses from my children.

As I type all of this out, I realize my problems are all first world problems. And they seem terrible to me but really, I am still beyond blessed. And looking back at the spiritual high I was experiencing when all of this happened,  I feel like I was being attacked and I let my guard down. I'm aware now. Really aware. And sometimes because of how stubborn I am, I feel like I have to reach this point of brokenness to actually really hear God. So not only am I aware but I'm listening and by the grace of God, I will not allow myself to get bogged down this week. Nothing of my own doing will keep that from happening but I will be absolutely saturating myself in Goodness.

And I'm incredibly grateful for the healing Words I heard this weekend and from the encouragement I received from special people in my life. God is good.

FML?

I see it all the time. Every day. FML. Those three little letters make me cringe. They make me vomit inside my mouth a little bit. Between Facebook, twitter hashtags and texts, I'm sure most of us that are plugged into social networking see it pretty often.

Here is the thing. I get that it is an expression.  And for some, just an over exagerrated expression of disdain for your life or that particular moment. I understand that we all have crappy days. And sometimes it seems like we get stuck in a cycle of crappy days. I've been there and I understand. But to say FML, even jokingly? And for those of you who live in a cave and don't know what it means - google it.

I will explain why it bothers me so much. First of all, life is precious. God gives us each day as a gift, if you choose to treat it as such. If you have the FML attitude every day, I can assure you - your life will be sucktastic.  One thing that I have learned in my 34 years on earth is that your attitude can greatly influence the direction of your day. It cannot control everything, but if you choose to focus on the good things, it does make a difference.

Philippians 4:8
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

I think if we take that scripture to heart, it would really make a difference on how we view the things in our day to day life. 

After losing two people very dear to me within the past 5 years, I understand that life is precious. After seeing how fast my baby is growing, I am reminded that life really does go by quickly.  And those things that seem so terrible really won't be all that bad tomorrow. It might even take a few months.

Another reason FML really bothers me. Probably the main reason.  Our problems are so small in comparison to the daily worries of so many. The majority of the people that are able to read this blog have a roof over your head, a car to drive, food in your kitchen, clean water, clothes on your back with extra to spare...you get my point. I mean, really? Really? 

I realize that some may think that I'm being overly sensitive, and that is fine. Maybe I am. Usually I'm pretty laid back, but for some reason, this really gets to me. We all have opinions. But I'm just asking you to think before you write those three short letters. Is it really that bad? 

Samuel

I was in such a dark place.
I was drowning in a sea of sadness.
My life felt so empty, so meaningless.
I found out about you and I cried. 
How on earth could you fit into our lives?
Seriously, this had to be a joke. 
Then I accepted you. Embraced you.
I savored the kicks and hiccups.
I imagined things would be different.
I thought your entrance would be healing, but alas I was wrong.
I will never forget we thought we lost you. You scared the shit of out me.
How could someone I never knew I wanted be taken away from me?
But then you came and you were perfect.
Tiny and perfect. 
And my happiness was still far away.
Your presence brought joy to my life, but I still had so much healing to do.
Then as the days passed, I allowed myself to become enamored of you.
It all makes sense now.
God gave me you.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know your purpose is much greater.
But God gave me you.
He gave me you so that I could genuinely smile again.
You have taught me that it is acceptable to love despite having experienced such loss. 
You were a tiny vessel sent to restore our family's joy.
And the healing commenced. 
Your name means "God has heard".
And yes, He heard.
He heard my heart. He knew I needed you.
You are my ray of sunshine.
I love you Samuel. I love you.

something small might make a difference

After my pastor's message this past weekend, I absolutely have to do something. I cannot just sit here in my house passively. I came across this idea while pinning (imagine that) and just have to share it with everyone. Blessing bags  from the Kids With a Vision blog.

For the bags around here I'm thinking of doing the following:
Put everything in a gallon size ziploc bag
chapstick

packages of tissues

toothbrush and sample size toothpaste

comb

soap (although they might not have access to a shower?)

trail mix

fruit cup

granola bars

peanut butter & crackers

pack of gum

band aids

mouthwash

coins

hand wipes

warm pair of socks

hand sanitizer

deodorant

note of encouragement

Any other ideas for the Tennessee area? I'm hoping to get started on these within the next week or so with some others from my church. Who else wants to make these?

Let us show them justice

My pastor gave a message tonight on showing justice to others. We should show justice to others the way that God does to us. We don't deserve any of His grace or blessings, yet He still continues to pour it out. What if we, as Christians, actually showed others the justice that God shows us? How do we do this? Perhaps it could be as small as skipping your morning Starbucks every Friday morning and donating the money to your local food bank. Maybe it means skipping a lavish family vacation and taking the money you would have spent and giving it to a family who is homeless? Or maybe it means, taking half of your clothing and giving to someone who has nothing to wear?

This week my prayer is that I will be open and receptive to what God is showing me. How would He have me show justice to others? Mercy is definitely one of my spiritual gifts, along with creating. Hospitality ranks pretty high up there too.Perhaps I may be able to use one of these gifts this week.

If all Christians gave simply a tithe and nothing above it, can you imagine how many fewer people would go to bed hungry each night? Have you ever really thought about a child going to bed hungry? I mean, I've been on a diet and gone to bed hungry by my standards. But wow. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Malnutrition is by far the biggest contributor to child mortality according to the World Health Organization. About 14% of the world is undernourished. Christians, there are children dying because they have nothing to eat, yet many of us sit around with extra weight to lose, simply because we eat too much. Our refrigerators are packed to the brim and we complain we have nothing to eat, and there are children whose muscles are deteriorating and bellies are bloated because of a protein deficiency due to malnutrition.

I'm not going to lie, I have trouble sleeping most nights. But tonight I am losing sleep for a different reason. I pray that you will challenge yourself to live just a little bit more simply so that others may simply live.  Whatever it may be, just be open to the change.

Pinspiration

So, I am definitely addicted to Pinterest. I started pinning on our way back home from Hilton Head at the end of July. It was a superb way to pass time. Now admittedly, I said I would not pin because it seemed to be a time sucker. And I have to set limits on myself, or I get carried away. I have the app on my phone, which is great when I'm nursing Sam or waiting in the car rider line at Harrison's school.  I've actually started using Pinterest for saving sites, rather than using the bookmark toolbar on my browser. It is just way easier to find my stuff and I love the picture option.

All of this pinning definitely has me feeling inspired. I was thinking it might be fun to have a little challenge/game. I've only used a few of my Pinterest ideas so far and I'd really like to start using at least one a week.  There are definitely things I'm pinning for future reference, but just as many I'd like to do now. So, who is with me? Here is what I'm thinking -

Create an album on Facebook or a Board on Pinterest (or both) for things you are actually creating or ideas you are using. My challenge is to upload something to  it at least once a week. Definitely more often if you are really that motivated! This way we are just sitting here pinning away and not doing anything with these fantastic ideas. Let's call it the Pinspiration Challenge. If you are in, then comment on my blog or on Facebook. Happy Pinning!

Oh, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Here is Pinterest. I'll be happy to email you an invite if you want one.

changing the spelling

Ok, so when I started actively blogging, I was also actively stocking a cloth diapering congo with my dyed goodies. I was marketing to cloth diapering people so when I named my store, it was "Happy Hippy Mama". I purposefully misspelled hippie because I felt "hippy" was a play on words - hips/booties = kind of cloth diaper-ish. I simply can't stand it any longer. I must change the spelling on my blog to the accurate hippie. I'm way to OCD to deal with it. So, from this point forward, it will be hippie. Yes, I'm a little OCD. Get over it :)

Friends

I have been so amazingly blessed with such wonderful friends. I have the privilege of being part of a very tight knit Sunday School class and a newly formed Ladies Bible Study. Some of my dearest friends in the world have come through these outlets. I'm so incredibly thankful for God placing each and everyone of these ladies in my life. It is awesome to know that if I call or text one of these ladies about anything, I have support. Whether it be venting, needing prayer or just for a laugh, I'm covered. 

In addition to my church friends, I have my cloth diapering friends. Most of whom, I've never even met in real life. We met through a message board over cloth diapers and share a love for all things crunchy. Now we just chat daily about life. And we are from all walks of life and backgrounds. These ladies are absolutely amazing. They have been there for me, just as much as my local friends. In fact, when I lost my dad, they were one of my greatest support networks.

Then there are my friends that have just always been friends. They've been friends so long, they just fall into that group of my dear friends. Past co-workers, college, friends of a friend or we grew up together.These girls are awesome. Most of them have probably seen me through my highs and lows of all areas of life, yet they are still hanging around. 

I consider myself to be blessed. Very blessed. I will wrap up this with a few of my favorite quotes.

"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson 

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
- Helen Keller 

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
-William Arthur Ward 

"The world would be so lonely, in sunny hours or gray. Without the gift of friendship, to help us every day."
- Hilda Brett Farr    

Smiling, emotions, and other things

Yesterday a lady at church told me how I was always smiling and happy, and how she appreciates it. It made me start thinking about how a smile can really just make someone's day. The truth is, I'm not always smiling and happy and it wasn't until just recently that I started feeling happy again. I've always been the type of person that will smile at a stranger, because you never know what they are going through. And maybe your smile will brighten their day. Even when I'm sad, I will try to smile. Just something I do. But in all honesty, it has taken me awhile to get back here.

The truth is that I've struggled with depression my entire life. It is a constant battle. I started pulling out of it as I got older and found myself. Growing up, I always tried to fit into this mold of someone I was not, which caused a lot of emotional turmoil. I started really finding myself as I entered high school and then even more so during college. And between my 20-30s, I've really grown into my own skin. I think it is definitely a lifelong process, as we are constantly adapting to our life changes. And being a parent has really made me examine myself and my beliefs. The person I have found is not nearly as conservative as I would have imagined myself. And most people see me as a hippie, and I'm okay with it. I guess I've kind of embraced it. It works for me. It feels right. I certainly never imagined myself having 3 children within 5ish years, loving a good beer and living in East Ridge.

What makes me happy is being with people I love. Treating people with the dignity and respect they deserve. I love meeting new people and learning about them. And I have been gifted with the ability to listen. So much so, that I majored in psychology in college. I didn't do anything with it for a career but it is very obviously a gift of mine. Complete strangers in Wal-Mart will tell me their life stories. It doesn't phase me. I just know it is what I'm supposed to do. Chris sees me getting "stuck" listening to people and just smiles, because I'm not getting "stuck". God put me in that person's day because they needed to talk.

So a friend told me about this application that allows you to read your old Facebook posts without scrolling for hours on your own page. After looking through it, I remembered what a dark place I was in and I'm so thankful I'm out of it. It was very hard on me when I lost my father. It is not easy for most people. It really took me a long time to find my happiness. He has been gone for almost 2 years. Part of me feels like that is why we were blessed with Sam. He arrived 5 days before the one year anniversary of Daddy's death. He came at such a sad time in our lives and showed me that it was okay to be happy again. And he is just a happy little dude. It is kind of like God's way of showing me the daily miracles that make life special, and worth getting out of bed for. God knew exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. And honestly, adding Sam to our family hasn't been easy. We were financially not in a great place for a new addition. Our house is too small for our family by materialistic standards. But we are happy and we make it work. And God provides everything we need.

So over the past several months, I've been allowing God to heal my hurt. I'm starting to see life in everything again. I'm starting to appreciate the small things. I am a very blessed person. And one of the big things that has been missing from my life is my creative inspiration. I'm starting to feel inspired again because I feel alive again on the inside. In fact, I have yarn waiting to be dyed this week. When I'm happy, I love to create things. When I'm happy, I listen to music and let it fill my soul. When I'm happy, my children don't annoy me. When I'm happy, I'm forgiving of my husband. When I'm happy, I just love to love. Thank you Jesus for restoring my Joy. And thanks for my smile, which can brighten someone's day.

Sisters

I have been blessed with 3 older sisters. They are quite a bit older than me. I was clearly the "oops" baby. It varies from almost 13 years to almost 16 years. I actually have nieces and nephews closer to my age. It has honestly been like having 3  additional moms sometimes, especially when I was younger. I am so incredibly thankful for each one of them and what they bring to my life. I love them all for the unique qualities they bring to our family. Despite the age difference, I've always been close to them. And the way we all came together when Daddy was sick was amazing. I cannot begin to explain the support system we had in each other.

So, to my dears sisters, if you are reading this - I love you. I am thankful for you. Having so many girls in one family has been an adventure. I'm so glad that we are family. We may get angry at each other, but our sisterly bond will always be stronger than any disagreement we may have. And even though you should know this, I am always here for you, whatever you need, even if I am the baby.

Out of the mouths of babes

Most of these are from Harrison - probably because he never stops talking. I'm going to try to update these regularly.

Harrison:
"Mom, just get rid of all of my underwear. I don't like wearing it."
"I really wish I was a brown person."
"Hey guys. You listen to God. I'm not a good listener so I never  hear Him."
"Kadie. No.no.no. When you grow up and you are six, you will understand that."
"Kadie, no. Church is to learn about God. It is not a hotel."

Kadie:
"Mom, will you lick my hand?" (to remove ketchup)

Now that Harrison is back in school, I will probably have more from Kadie next time.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

There have been several things constantly in my mind for the past two weeks. I'm reading two different books that are unrelated, yet both compelling the same changes. I mentioned Chasing Daylight already and the other book is The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. I am really enjoying both books but they are also making me uncomfortable as I feel they have really challenged me. They have challenged me to really come out of my bubble of Christianity.

Some cool concepts that have come out of these books for me, is that I'm praying daily for opportunities to be able to do something for others in Christian love. I'm trying to be very sensitive and aware so that I can be receptive to these moments and not miss any opportunities. I'm also really trying to see the small miracles in my daily somewhat mundane life. Every day I am given is a miracle and I feel it is to be celebrated and cherished.

Risk and moving out of my comfort zone is what I'm dealing with right now. I'm not sure where it is taking me. I'm trying not to be invisible. A great quote from Chasing Daylight that I must share is :
     "The most important decisions of our lives will require us to forsake invisibility and risk becoming visible.
       Whenever you choose to seize divine moments, you move from invisibility to visibility."

I am generally the type of person that likes to be invisible. I really feel that God is calling me out of my comfort zone to become more visible and I must say that I am finally ready for it. I am praying daily for my opportunities and praying to have an open heart to be willing to take the risk, even if it means failing. Because living is failing and succeeding and I'm ready to do both. Bring it on!

Randomness

Nothing inspirational tonight. Just random thoughts going through my head.

Sleep is overrated. In all seriousness, I hate that I can't sleep. It has a.l.w.a.y.s. been an issue for me. In fact, I cannot nap unless I'm pregnant. I'm a weirdo. I cannot turn off my brain.

I really wish there was a word to replace the "F" word. One of my major fails is my mouth. I have gotten soooooo much better since having children. Harrison started a list on the fridge so he can keep track of our bad words. Of course, bad words in our house are "butt, stupid, dumb". Sometimes, there is just no word that replaces the "F" word. I hate that. Major FAIL. Along those lines, I once read an article/study that said there aren't actually enough words in written vocabulary that can express what a woman is feeling. I can totally relate. I often struggle with the right words to describe what I'm feeling. I also read the dictionary for fun. I never said I was cool.

My "go to" music is the Indigo Girls. Belting the IG at the top of my lungs is just therapeutic. Patty Griffin is a close second. Something about twangy and folksy chicks singing their a@$es off while playing the hell out of their guitars is just plain ol' therapeutic. And both of the aforementioned groups/singers sound just as AWESOME live as they do on CDs/radio.

I'm on an absolute spiritual high this week. I cannot explain it. I feel as if the things that God has been trying to get through my incredibly thick skull for years is finally sticking. I'm 34 and finally sorta kinda getting it. Amazing. Absolutely amazing what can happen if you finally let go of yourself and let Jesus shine through. I love that Jesus still loves me if I say the "F" word or if I have baby snot on my shirt. I love what happens when you say, "I'm yours. Use me. Put me where you want me. I know you got my back. We're cool like that."

 I love the word "dude". I had a dog named Dude when I was a child, so this has been a long love affair with the word.

That was a glimpse of about 5 minutes in my brain. It is a strange place to be sometimes. 

Great things

You know how big things start? From small things. Some of my favorite examples (and you know breastfeeding is going to be one of them) include - Le Leche League. It was founded by 7 mothers in Illinois in 1956. They  just wanted to help and support other mothers. LLL now helps women in 60 countries. I'm pretty sure the moms that began LLL had no idea it would become an international form of support. When Blake Mycoskie wanted to donate a pair of shoes to a person in need with every pair of TOMS sold, I'm sure he had no idea that over a millions shoes would be donated worldwide. When Dave Ramsey set out to help families get out of debt, I'm sure he had no idea he would be a nationally syndicated radio host. He now employs over 300 people in a debt free company and has helped countless families reach financial freedom.

All of these people had a mission. They had a passion. They believed in something enough to make it happen and became something great. Something they never imagined. They took a gift and used it. What if we all took our gifts and pursued it to the point of greatness? It doesn't mean we will all own multi-million dollar companies or have an international support group. But it does mean that greater things can happen.

"From small beginnings come great things." American proverb

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." Lao Tzu

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." Anatole Frances

Honestly, I haven't really discovered what my small beginning is yet. But I'm prayerfully seeking it and asking God's blessing upon it. What is your small beginning? Where are you in this journey?

 

 

Influence

I'm taking a class around the book "Chasing Daylight"  by Erwin McManus. Our latest discussion was influence. It has really got me thinking. There are some obvious people that we influence - like our spouses, children or best friends. Then there are the not so obvious - like coworkers that you may not know well, young people at your church, internet buddies...the list could go on for days.

So, as I sit here and really process this in my overly analytical brain, I really want to make sure my influence is one of purpose. I can't help but wonder how many opportunities I missed to be a positive influence on someone because I let Alicia get in the way. So, over the past 2 days, I've really been thinking about what type of influence I'd like to be.

First and foremost, I want to be a Christian influence. I want people to see that Jesus is the reason I get up in the morning. He is my joy and my strength. I want to reflect the Jesus that was loving to hookers and homeless people. I want to my life to have some meaning to it. I want to live out the love that God has shown to me. Sometimes, as a stay at home mom, I feel that there isn't much I can do to show these things. Obviously, I can be this type of influence on my family and I pray that I am, and continue to get better at it. Interestingly enough, several things have popped up over the past few days and I hope I was able to show those people that Jesus is in my heart loving them, through me.

Beyond my Christian influence, I definitely have topics that I feel passionately. Most people that spend any length of time with me, know what these are. I'm pro breastfeeding, pro natural birth/VBAC, natural living, natural parenting, and an intactivist. I also feel strongly about human rights. I try to attend as many LeLeche and ICAN meetings as possible. For the most part, I suppose my influence with these subjects is through my daily life and conversations.

Something else that weighs heavily on me lately, is that I should let the mistakes of my past help me influence younger people to not do the same stupid things. It seems as if all the those things are in vain if I can't use them to help someone else. Maybe all of the bad choices I made could help someone else avoid the pain and heartache?

And one really cool thing that I love about God. He places the right people in our lives at the right time. We just have to be open to seeing them. And I may be that person in your life that needs to influence you. Or you may be that person in my life that influences me. Or perhaps it is mutual? 

I have seen so many examples of influential people. My husband teaches high school and that is seriously just one big bucket of opportunity to shine a light into someone's life. My daughter has a young lady that she just adores and wants to be just like her. My oldest son has such a tremendous influence and both of my younger children. Some of my closest and dearest friends influence me with words of wisdom.

I challenge anyone who reads this, to really think about whom you might influence. What do they see when they see you? Are you proud of what they see? Or are you ashamed? Be mindful of it because someone is watching you.

Um...yeah

So admittedly, I'm a blogging failure. I have all of these great things I want to write about and it just never happens. I guess that is life with 3 kids. I guess I will start here...

Harrison is 6 years old. He will be starting first grade in August. He is so intelligent and such a cool little dude. We deal with some attitude issues but other than that, things are good. He loves to argue though. He will argue with a fly on the wall. He lost 2 more teeth this summer. So far, 4 bottom teeth are gone. He has one on top that is very wiggly. I suspect it will be gone soon. Right now, he wants to be a race car driver (thanks Cars 2). He reads well and still memorizes things. He is tall and lanky and lately has been eating like a horse.

Kadie Pearl is 3 years old. She is a whirlwind. She is as sweet as she is mean (which she inherits from me 100%). There is absolutely no in between with this girl. She is all about playing dress up and her princesses. She is sooo girly. She loves to have her nails painted and dresses. When she is in her sweet mood, she will just hug and love on you. She sings and hums and is just kind of in her own world. She is a smart one too. She doesn't miss a thing and is reminding me so much of Harrison at this age. When she is in a mean mood, she will squint her eyes and furrow her brows. It is actually quite comical.  But sweet Kadie.,...oh, it is heavenly.

Sam is 9 months old. Sam just makes me smile. He is the sweetest and most laid back little baby. He gets into E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. and puts everything in his mouth. His pincer grasp is out of this world. I suspect he is going to be my early walker. He is just funny. He is so incredibly tolerant of his older siblings. He loves to nurse and eat. He wants to keep up with H & K. When he is about to get into something, he starts crawling and cackling and enters "Baby Stealth Mode". This boy is going to keep me on my toes. I'm so thankful for him.

Chris is still teaching and has been working at our church a little this summer, which makes him happy. He is desperately trying to get our front lawn to grow grass and has been doing some handyman projects in our house, which makes me happy. He has grown a beard too...yeah, he is proud of it.

I had my hair whacked off in the spring and sent it to Locks of Love to be donated. I also just got hired for a company called Leapforce. I can work from home and set my hours. I'm hoping it can help out our family. I haven't been doing much in the creative realm lately because I have been uninspired and busy. I hope to dye some things soon but who knows. I'm starting the process of becoming a Le Leche leader. I'm pretty stoked about that. I'm so passionate about breastfeeding.

I can't help but think big things are on the horizon for us. I felt that way in January and still feel that way. I am pretty intuitive but I have no idea what those big things might be. Lately, I have felt very open to moving and changing things completely. That doesn't necessarily mean that we will be relocating, but it does make me wonder.

And lastly....the transition from 2-3 kids actually was not hard for me. I expected chaos and that is what it is. However, it is just so busy. I feel like I'm always taking someone to school or an activity/play date. I think things need to calm down for  my sanity. I have a hard time keeping up with the house because of our crazy schedule. I'm praying we will be able to move next year because we are cramped. All 3 of our kids are in the same room (well Sam is still technically in our room). Harrison's old room is the playroom. We'd love a house with one extra bedroom but are just trying to be thankful for what we have right now.

I'm going to try to blog regularly again but there are no promises.

Hero Day

Over the past month, Harrison’s school has been doing a Box Top for Education fundraiser. If your child brings 5 box tops to school each week, he can dress up on Friday’s theme day. This past Friday was Hero Day.  Initially Harrison wanted to be a Tron guy. Um, sorry dude. Mama’s not that crafty. Then he chose Batman. I tried to convince him to be a real person, but when a five year old boy hears the word “hero” , he thinks Superhero. Ok. Whatever. Be a superhero. We have all of the stuff to dress like Batman. Well, Thursday night at 9pm, long after Harrison had drifted to sleep, I get an email from his school clarifying appropriate hero attire. My first instinct was correct.  Batman wasn’t really what the school had in mind. Oh, boy. Breaking this news to him Friday morning should be awesome. Especially since his Batman costume is laying out and will be staring him in the face. The following morning his Daddy broke the news to him -and he was not a happy camper. At first he opted not to dress up but at the last minute changed his mind. He decided to be his Pops. I scrambled together a last minute costume  consisting of jeans, ball cap, and a long sleeve polo. Perfect. He was proud. He talked about how Pops was a hero because he fed him oatmeal, taught him to drive a tractor and caught fish for us. Pops and Harrison were best buddies. What an appropriate choice for a hero.  It made me proud.

This got me thinking about my real life hero. The man known as “Pops” to my children was my Daddy. And he is my real life hero. When I think of my Daddy, I always think of his arms. Strong, tan arms. He always wore a golf shirt and always worked outside when it was warm. So he had a typical farmer’s tan. And he was very tan. His arms were so strong because he was constantly working on our farm. He was an accountant by trade and a hobby farmer by heart. I remember as a little girl, probably Kadie’s age, swinging from his strong, tan arms - like they were monkey bars. I remember those strong, tan arms scooping me into a giant bear hug and holding me tight. I vividly remember his strong, tan arms holding my bike steady when I was trying to ditch the training wheels. I can remember clutching his strong, tan arm on my wedding day, as he walked me down the aisle to give me to Chris. And even in his last months in the hospital, he still had those strong, tan arms. On the days he couldn’t wake up, I would just rub his arms. I can’t explain it but those strong, tan arms always gave me this overwhelming sense of peace and protection. His arms protected and guided me for as long as I can remember. And even in his last days, when his arms started looking frail and fair, just touching his arms made me feel like everything would be okay.  As strange as it may seem, one of the things I miss most about my daddy is his arms.  My world is just not the same without his strong, tan arms.

Guilty pleasures

Here are a list of my guilty pleasures, in no particular order:


Patterned wool socks
Fluffy mail (cloth diapers, for those who have no clue what that means)
Law & Order SVU
Grey's Anatomy
Coca Cola
Facebook games - although I'm really trying to limit them since they suck away too much time
Car rides by myself
Really chocolate-y ice cream with chocolate syrup on it

What are some of yours?

The Birth of Samuel Ryan Holbrook

Well my last real post is a letter to Sam when I was 37 weeks pregnant. This is bittersweet but it has to be done.

On Monday October 11th I felt icky all day. I felt crampy and tired. But honestly, being one day away from my due date and knowing I don’t have babies early or remotely close to my due date, I chalked it up to late pregnancy ickiness. I went to the chiropractor that evening and went through the normal night routine. Around 9 or so that evening I felt compelled to scrub our bathtub with a magic eraser. I went to bed and woke up Tuesday morning  sometime between 2-2:30 am I woke up feeling like I just peed on myself so I got up and went to the bathroom. However,  I was so out of it I just went back to bed. Then I woke up again around 3 am because I felt the fluid coming out of me. I stood up and felt it coming down my legs. I told Chris to wake up because I thought my water was breaking. Well at this point we were pretty certain it was my water, so I called my midwife to let her know. She agreed that it was my water, and told me make sure I felt the baby moving  and go back to sleep because I would need the rest. So it took nearly an hour to get Jelly Bean to cooperate but he finally started moving so I went back bed. Of course I couldn’t sleep a wink because I couldn’t turn my mind off. So Chris went ahead and got a substitute for his class that day. Then we got up around 6:00am to get Harrison ready for school. Chris took Harrison to school while I stayed home with Kadie and got her ready for MDO. I tried to get some rest while he took her to MDO but still couldn’t sleep. We made arrangements for both of our kids to stay with grandparents so I could focus on laboring. My midwife came over around noon to check the baby’s heart beat. I still wasn’t really contracting regularly but just feeling really crampy.  The baby’s heartbeat was great and all of my vital signs were perfect. We decided that if by the evening I was having stronger I would start an herbal tincture to strengthen my contractions. Chris and I went on a walk before dinner, which picked things up a bit but they still weren’t strong.  Well by 6:30 pm, I started the herbs  combined with nipple stimulation and was in bed by 10:30 that night. I slept pretty well that night. Not as long as I would have liked but it was much better than the night before. When I got up for the day around 7am, my contractions were still only every 20ish minutes apart and they weren’t strong. So after talking to my midwife around 7:30 we decided to do a second round of the herbal tincture with castor oil (yuck) and nipple stimulation with lots of walking. So my midwife came back over around noon and checked on me and the baby again - everything was good. At this point my contractions were about every 15 minutes apart. We sat down and had lunch and  my contractions starting getting closer together - probably every 5 minutes. She wanted me to go for a CBC test to make sure I wasn’t getting an infection (precautionary since my water had been broken over 24 hours), so we headed back to her house after lunch (less than 5 minutes away) to get the lab order.  She also told me to consider acupuncture to help keep my contractions consistent, so we called an acupuncturist and set something up for the afternoon. On the way to the hospital lab I started having intense contractions that were coming every 4 minutes. We got to the hospital lab and they told me it was going to be an hour wait. I explained to the lady that I was in labor and how often I was contracting and she told me they would do what they could but I needed to be patient. Chris called my midwife and told her - she told us to leave and go home and she would come by to  check me. So we headed back home. She checked us and everything was still good and I had my first internal exam. I was like 70 percent effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. So we decided to proceed with the acupuncture session. During the course of the day I think I took a dozen showers too since I couldn‘t soak in the bath tub. At one point, during one of my showers I had a bad feeling and felt like I would end up having  a c-section. I figured it was me second guessing myself because the contractions were so strong, so I dismissed the thought. The acupuncturist showed up around 4 and worked with me for at least a half an hour. It really helped pick the contractions up again because they had slowed down yet again.  She said she’d come back later if we needed it.  My midwife came by around  5 to check on us again. We were still doing fine and I was about 90 percent effaced and almost 3 centimeters dilated. She was going to dinner with friends and said she’d be back after dinner to see how things were coming along.  My mom, sister and Kadie came by with dinner and to visit. During dinner I had contractions but they weren’t horrible. We visited with them for about an hour and then they took Kadie back home. The acupuncturist came around 7 and did another round. At this point my contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes and were lasting anywhere from 45-60 seconds.  I kept pacing the floor and breathing through them. They weren’t horrible but they were fast. I was able to breathe and walk through them. My midwife came back by around 8ish with her midwife friend that was in town visiting. She did the usual BP check and pulled out her Doppler to check Jelly Bean’s heartbeat. When she listened this time, it stopped beating after the contraction. She asked the other midwife…did you hear that? She had me change positions and it happened again. She had me lay on my side and this time the heartbeat disappeared completely and we could not get it.

I should back track a little bit. Over the course of my relationship with my midwife, I built a trust with her. She explained to me that during my labor, if Jelly Bean wasn’t happy she would just tell me he wasn’t happy and we’d try something different. She has very few hospital transports and doesn’t take them lightly so she said, in the event that we need to transport, she would just tell us we need to transport and we needed to go.

So at that time, she said, it is time to go to the hospital. Let’s go now. Well I didn’t have panties or shoes on so I scrambled to get them on. Meanwhile, she is saying to get out of the house now. We need to go. It was raining pretty  hard. I’m terrified because at the last check, my baby’s heart was not beating at all. That 3 minute drive to the hospital seemed like an eternity. I don’t even remember what Chris and I talked about. I think we talked about Jelly Bean being dead. And I remember trying really hard to feel him move. He dropped me off at the door so he could park the car. My midwife and her friend walked in with me. We walked straight to labor and delivery. She explained to them what was going on. They were so confused. They couldn’t understand why I hadn’t pre-registered or why I didn’t have an OB or why my water had been broken for nearly 36 hours. So she explained that we needed to get a monitor on quickly so they rush me into a triage room to get a monitor on. I was relieved to hear Jelly Bean’s heartbeat. It was music to my ears. But after every contraction it would completely flat line for what seemed like an eternity. My contractions were still coming about every 2 minutes. Jelly Bean’s heart would stop for close to a minute after each contraction was over. They finally turned the volume down on the monitor because it was just upsetting. When they checked me I was still around 3 cm. Chris got into the room at some point. Again, this part is all really blurry. The nurse that admitted us was pretty ugly to me. I don’t remember everything she said, but basically trying to belittle me for not  having an OB or a back up plan. I explained to her that my back up plan was the hospital and my back up OB was to use the on call OB. She told me they didn’t have an on call OB and I would get a hospitalist. Then she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her at this point I didn’t realize it was an option. I told her if my baby could be born safely and vaginally I would opt for that, but I figured it would be a c-section. She left and told me to discuss things with my husband and make a decision. My midwife was in the room with us and I asked her what she would do…she said she was surprised they gave me an option, but that she felt a c-section was necessary to get the baby out. She said I wasn’t far enough in labor to push him out in a hurry. My husband and I agreed and felt this was the best option. A charge nurse comes in and talks to me but I don’t remember the conversation. The mean nurse comes back and says the on call OB will be coming in and I’m getting a c-section. So the anesthesiologist comes in shortly and tells me if possible he will do a spinal but it may be general anesthesia. Then the OB, Dr. Radpour comes in to meet me. He tells the anesthesiologist that if he can get me numb in less than 5 minutes, I can have the spinal. At this point, everything is really blurry. They put the catheter in before I was numb, which really hurt. They rushed me to the OR got me on the  table in a hurry. At this point my contractions were really really strong and close together. I had to be still for the spinal and it was so hard and it hurt so bad. Everything went so fast. Chris got to come in once I was numb and laying down. As soon as he knew I was numb he started cutting. I was soo scared. We had no idea what to expect since his heart has stopped beating so much. We didn’t know if he’d be brain damaged or even alive at this point. With my previous 2 c-sections, I don’t remember feeling any pulling or tugging…well maybe really light tugging but I felt lots of pressure and tugging this time…maybe because I wasn’t as numb. Anyway, they got him out fast. They exclaimed that he was a boy and that he was really small. They question me about my last period and if I’m sure about my due date. They said his cord was pretty thin and it was bunched up under his neck. He was crying which was music to my ears to have an alive baby after this huge scare. His apgars were 8 & 9, I believe.  He weighed 5 lbs and 15 ounces, over 4 lbs less than Harrison or Kadie. He was 20 inches long. He was born around 9:30pm. Once he was bundled, Chris brought him to me. He was sooo tiny. They got to stay in the room with me for a while and then Chris took him to the nursery.  I was supposed to get him in the recovery room to breastfeed him, but evidentially it was a hectic night in the labor and delivery unit and nursery and there were a couple of emergency c-sections, so I didn’t get him. The nurse that watched me in recovery was very sweet and respectful of me and didn’t treat me like a leper for having an attempted homebirth. I finally got taken to our room after about 2 hours. It was nearly 5 hours before I got my sweet tiny little Samuel. I just cried when I held him. He was so tiny and perfect and he was alive. He nursed like a champ from the start. Despite, the scare, he was perfectly healthy and just really small.

Would I attempt a homebirth again? Yes, I would. Do I think homebirths are safe? Yes, I do. I’m really still not a peace about his birth. I really felt like this was going to be the natural birth I dreamed about. There are days I feel betrayed. I still question God. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I just have one birth the way I wanted? I know there must be some reason for it, I just haven’t figured it out yet. 

                                            In labor with Sam before the hospital transport.

More is coming....

I realize I haven't blogged since September and that I haven't shared Sam's birth story. Much is in store for this blog. I have millions of thoughts and stories running through my head. I'm making a deal that I will make time to blog at least once a week. First on the plate, Sam's birth story. I promise, I will have it up this week. It is very emotional for me so I've delayed posting it. But this mama has lots of ideas and hopefully ones that will keep my blog fun and entertaining and also soul cleansing (for myself).