Scared pt.2

So everyone knows what's going on with my buddy now. It's my time to add my two cents. I'm with Alicia in that this is one of the scariest things I've gone through in my life. There is a very good possibility that we're totally over-reacting, and if we are GOOD. I'd rather over-react to something like this than under-react. All my life Mother has said, "just wait until you have kids of your own, you will understand". I think the fear we have in our hearts now set's that statement more true than ever, I understand! Knowing that something is wrong with Harrison breaks my heart, knowing there is nothing I personally can do to help him hurts even more.

Back last week when he had a little tummy virus, Alicia took his temp rectally, I stood beside him. I put my finger in his hand and he grabbed a hold tightly. When he shed a tear he was looking into my eyes. I just looked back and said "I know buddy, I'm here and everything is going to be OK". Now, even though he doesn't seem to be in any pain, I can't look him in the eyes and say it will be OK. I don't know. I try not to think about it when I'm around him, because I don't want him to get the vibe that something is wrong.

I know Alicia is having just as tough of time with this as I am. We have talked about it several times a day since we discovered it on Friday. How we wished we had reacted sooner, how we wished it weren't a holiday and we could take him to see Dr. Jones today, how we wished there was something we could do. It helps a little to let her know I'm having the same feelings, but it still doesn't set my heart at ease, nothing will until I know he is going to be OK.

I feel badly that we haven't kept up with this blog any better than we have over the past month. Some days just don't seem long enough for such a thing. However last night when Alicia was really having a tough time dealing with this, I said, "why don't you go write Harrison a letter, so when all of this is behind us, and he is old enough to understand, we can let him know how much we loved him even back when he was two months old." Then I checked our e-mail to find out she put it on the blog. I'm glad she did that, now you can see what we are going through, and if we don't seem like ourselves, this is why. I got to work this morning, and I can't stop thinking about him, about that lump, about Alicia and how much pain she is in.

I know blogs aren't suppose to be structured in any way, but I know this one is poorly written and all over the place, but I had to spill my guts for a while, and I'm glad I have this to do such. Hope you could read this, and it's not too scattered.

Love to all,
CHO