Dear Jelly Bean

Hi little jelly bean. I must say, my pregnancy with you has gone by rather quickly. It seems like just  yesterday I found out about your existence. And here I sit today, 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant. You are officially "full term" and can be born safely at home. Definitely a relief, although I've never had a baby early. Sometimes I feel as if I haven't bonded with you as much as I did the other two babies during pregnancy. Maybe it is because I'm so busy taking care of your two siblings, I just don't have time to think about being pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if it is because we didn't find out your gender and name you prior to your entrance to the world. Honestly, I don't know. But I am nonetheless very excited about you and I want you to know how much I love you. I have a lot of emotions right now. You see, you were conceived during a very sad time for Mommy - just 3 months after my Daddy passed away. I was still very much grieving and feel like I've spent a big portion of this pregnancy grieving. But I want you to know, that I don't love you any less because of it. In fact, you are "due" just 6 days before your Pops passed away. So in a weird kind of way, I feel like even though we lost a precious life last October, we are getting the gift of a new life. So whether you are born today, or two weeks after your "due" date, it is going to be bittersweet.

Another thing I want you to know. I knew I always wanted you. Sure, my timing would have been different, but you were created in God's perfect timing. I would talk about you often with your Daddy. He just wasn't sure because he thought that I wanted a normal vaginal birth so badly that it was clouding my  judgment on whether or not we should have another baby. But you were conceived, which was a huge surprise. I feel like God is giving me the chance to have the birth I want with you. From the moment I knew about you, I started planning a home birth. Your big brother and sister were born by c-section, which made me very sad. I feel like there has always been a missing link. I have experienced the miracle of of conception and pregnancy and all the ups and downs that go with it. I've experienced being able to nourish my babies from my body. But I've never been able to experience the joy of bringing forth a miraculous baby the way it was designed. I'm thankful for medical technology and that there is the option for c-sections for mommies and babies that need them but I know we don't need that. My pregnancy with you has been absolutely perfect and we are in great health, so we are good to go. I want you to know that I'm going to savor every minute of my labor with you because I know it is a special gift from God. I know that may sound crazy, but I feel like it will bring me closer to my Creator and appreciate you even more. And I commit to you, that you are allowed to pick your birthday. You will not be "evicted".  When you are ready to be born, I'm ready to birth you. Perfectly, safely and into loving arms. I will try my best not to grow impatient and just enjoy our special time together before I have to share you with the world.

Love,
Mommy