How I came alive

I have a confession.

I’ve never really loved myself that much. Seriously. I’ve struggled my entire life with low self-esteem. Growing up I never felt pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or talented enough. As an adult, I’ve sort of become more comfortable in my own skin, but I still really don’t love what I see everyday. I focus on my bad traits. I have a potty mouth. I have crazy hair. I’m always struggling with my weight. I have mood swings and a fiery temper. I’m stubborn. I’m not successful enough. I’m not patient enough. I’m still not talented enough. I’m not wife enough or mom enough. I’m just never enough. Living a life believing you aren’t enough gets depressing.

About a year ago, I felt a pretty clear calling that I needed to homeschool my kids. I felt pretty confident in this decision. Or did I? Wait, did I make the right choice? I’m really not good at it. Nothing works for more than a week at a time. I can’t run errands without children anymore. I have no time for just me. My house stays even messier than usual. I just can’t seem to figure out the balance. My kids would be better off in public school. I’m just not enough. I’m not what they need.

I have a child who is difficult. Awesome, but difficult. I never get it right with him. I’m not enough for him.

I was literally broken yesterday. I wanted a new life.

I went to a Women’s conference at my church yesterday. I had pretty much talked myself out of going. Chris had to run sound and our kids were staying with grandparents. I could just stay at home by myself. I love being alone. I needed to be alone. Then our worship leader posted on Facebook that he needed someone to work the band table to sell t-shirts and CD’s. I decided I’d work the table. Knowing good and well that meant I had to go to this conference. I even thought about sitting in the tech booth with my husband and not really listening. I kept feeling that nudge to go in the worship center. So I did.

Our speaker encouraged us that God would never let us fall off the rollercoaster and He was our seatbelt. She asked us what we were clinging to and encouraged us that God is always fighting for us. She told us it was okay to come alive in the chaos of life. I left feeling good and refreshed.

We went out with some friends for a late dinner afterwards and had lots of fun. We stayed out after midnight and I had to wake up the early the next morning. I would have stayed in bed if I didn’t have to work the band table. I felt I got what I needed from the conference on Friday night.

Boy was I wrong.

Our speaker said God gave her a new message for today. A message on healing. I didn’t need healing. I’m saved. I know God loves. Or wait….do I need healing? We need let God heal our wounds from the inside before we bandage them. How many times do we stick a bandage on our wounds and go on? I’d say more often than not. We had an open invitation to the alter and I practically ran. I prayed and wept and prayed and wept. I received healing and felt the presence of God in the most powerful way. In fact, when I sat back in my seat next to my sweet friend, all I could say was, “wow.”

Guess what?

I have been believing lies from the enemy for way too long.

I’m done.

God said it is finished.  I believe Him.

I am enough.

I am enough because God created me to be me. He delights in me. He made me fearfully and wonderfully and wants to see me prosper. He loved me so much that He gave me salvation through His son. I am enough through Christ.

I can be a homeschooling mom. I can be a mom to a special needs child. I can use the talents I do have to glorify God. I can accept my body. I can be the wife my husband needs and the mom my kids need. I am a work in progress and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I’m going to screw up every day. Every day. But that’s okay. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t define me because God isn’t finished with me.  He is making me new.

I came alive today.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us