I've learned some pretty neat things over this past 18 weeks of finding joy in my daily life. I realized in this journey that part of why I don't always feel gleeful is because I feel so terribly all of the time. I can't really pinpoint when this happened, but it has been getting progressively worse over the past several years. I know the summer I turned 36, I felt like my health went down hill. I lost my will to do much of anything. I thought it was because of the knee pain I was experiencing. Then my knee surgery didn't really help me feel normal. I've been asking my OB/GYN to test my thyroid for several years and they always test the TSH and tell me I'm normal and send me on my way. I have known that something is not right. I literally have every symptom of hypothyroidism (no energy/stamina, low body temperature, always cold, depression, hair falling out, dry skin, gasping for air, brain fog, weight gain, inability to lose weight...the list goes on). It isn't normal to feel like an old lady at my age. This past winter, my health continued to decline. I had days where I could not even get out of bed. Seriously, I'm not quite 38. I have 3 young children. I homeschool. I can't have days like that. It really isn't okay. So I went to a different MD and told them about my joint pain, stiffness, inability to live a normal life. They ran some blood tests and told me my vitamin D was low. He put me on an antidepressant and told me that I was stiff and had joint pain because I was depressed and gaining weight. He blew off the fact that I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight over the past few years despite eating mostly healthy and not large quantities. I demanded more bloodwork. They ran more tests and discovered that I had a positive ANA, which could mean I have an autoimmune disorder. I have been referred to a specialist to see what is going on with that. Meanwhile, I continued to search because I still knew there was more to it. A friend recommended a NP to me and I saw her in early April. She ran a very comprehensive blood panel. A week later I was in for the results. She confirmed that my vitamin D was low. She also discovered that my hormones are completely out of whack, which I've suspected for years because of my mood swings and crazy menstrual cycles. She discovered I have the MTHFR (C677T/ A1298C) gene mutation and that I have issues with my thyroid that a TSH test will not find. So the very next day I started using bioidentical hormone creams, taking a natural dessicated thyroid supplement, and started taking methylfolate because people with the MTHFR gene mutation cannot handle folic acid. Honestly, the information on MTHFR gene mutations is a little overwhelming and I'm just starting to comprehend it. I'm 32 days into all of these supplements and I feel better than I have in years. Sadly, I still don't feel great all of the time, but I have faith that I will continue to progress because we have finally identified why I was feeling terribly. I know that it won't happen overnight and that there are many pieces to this puzzle. I will follow up with her again this month for bloodwork and we can adjust whatever needs to be adjusted.
This leads me to my next point. I have been wanting to start running again for years. Between a bum knee, a broken foot, crazy menstrual cycles, pain, and quite frankly just feeling like crap, I haven't started. Over this past month, I have more good days than bad. I can count on one hand how many days I've had horrible joint pain. So now's the time. I started my journey to running again. I'm using the Couch to 5 K because that is what works for me. This morning was slow and sweaty. It was hard, but I did it. It is a 3 day a week program. I haven't decided what I will do on my off days, but I'm definitely shooting for 5 days a week of something. I do not actually care if I lose weight. I just want to run. It's always been a dream of mine. I have started this journey several times and this time I want to do it for good. I'm excited to see where this journey takes me (hopefully some cool 5Ks). If you are a runner friend, please encourage me. I actually do not like running with people because I am a loner when I exercise, but I definitely respond to words of affirmation. This is a 12 week program, so by the beginning of August, I will hopefully be able to run a 5 K and not at a snail's pace.
I'm not giving up. I'm determined to feel healthy again and hopefully I'm closer than I've been in a long time.
This is hard for me to write, but I definitely fee like many of my precious friends can relate to me. And honestly God has been dealing with me on this subject since last year and I'm finally coming full circle to embrace the big picture.
Do you know that I haven't worn shorts in public for several years?I live in Tennessee for crying out loud! It is hotter than two goats in a pepper patch. Because of my utter disdain for my legs, I almost always wear capri pants.
Why?
Because I am ashamed of my body. Years and years of hating my body. Hating what I see every day when I look in the mirror. Focusing on my lumpy thighs and big butt. You name it. I probably hate it.
Friends, this is no way to live. I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I even had lap band surgery to aid in weight loss when I was 29 years old. I lost almost 100 lbs and have kept off 65 lbs of it. Last year when I had the knee drama, I gained around 15 lbs and have been unable to lose it. Now that my knee has rehabilitated finally, I feel that my weight will slowly go back down.
As many of you know, I've been on a journey to get healthier by taking baby steps and this has been going on for nearly 18 months. I screw up and still make bad choices, but I've come a long way from where I was many years ago. Unfortunately, it isn't making me thinner and for once, I'm finally okay with that.
One thing that became abundantly clear to me, is that when I was unable to do much because of knee pain - I was miserable. I was unable to be active and quite frankly it sucked. I was sitting on the sidelines of my life.
By nature, I'm not an athletic person. I do not like to play sports. If I have a choice between crocheting or playing volleyball, you better believe that I will be hooking it up (with yarn) in here. But I do enjoy being active in things that I enjoy. I like being able to hike, ride bikes, swim, garden, and go on walks. I really, really missed being able to do all of those things when my knee was being ridiculous.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Since spring sprung, we've had some fun family outings with hiking and camping. I'm so thankful that I've been an active participant. During all of this, I've made an important decision.
I'm going to wear shorts and a bathing suit this summer.
I'm going to enjoy life. I'm going to enjoy life in this body that I was given. This wonderful body has carried me around for 37 years. It has grown 3 amazing babies and nourished them for over 5 years. I've earned every stretch mark on my belly for growing babies. I have loose skin on my tummy because I lost a bunch of weight and became healthier. I am not going to let lumpy thighs and a big butt keep me from living my life.
I'm going to set an example for my daughter that real beauty is not defined by the size of my tummy or a wrinkle free face. Women are beautiful because we love. We are beautiful because we experience pain. We are beautiful because we laugh and we cry. We are beautiful because we can grow humans and nourish them. We are beautiful when we survive tragic things and become stronger because of them. We are beautiful when we create. Women are beautiful when we live life. Women are beautiful when we are thankful for the blessings that God has given us.
Right here. Right now. I'm claiming that my body may not be perfect, but it serves is purpose quite well; and I'm going to enjoy my life and more specifically, my summer as a beautiful woman. Not because of outer beauty, but because I'm living my life and that makes me beautiful.
"I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls." - Audrey Hepburn
If you would like to join me, I ask that you share this post and hashtag any of your IG/Twitter pictures with #TrueBeautyIsLivingLife
Let's be beautiful, happy, living life to the fullest women together!
Peace out, beautiful ladies.
