A year of weirdness and becoming the family we are destined to be!

So if I were to sum of the year of 2009, I'd pretty much have to say it sucked. I know that is being extremely negative but all in all it was one of my hardest years ever. It started in May when Chris got a decrease in pay with very little notice. I moved directly into babysitting this summer which was very difficult and stressful. During the midst of all of that, my Daddy got sick, stayed sick and then passed away in October. And during the month of October I went to roll call every night to get my son into a magnet school (that he did not get accepted into) After Daddy's passing it has been dealing with the grief and living in a world without my Daddy. So yes, I know I'm being negative but looking at the year as a whole, I'd say it sucked. I know that God is sovereign and all things will lead to His glory but it doesn't mean I have to like them when they happen.

Now let me say, that I've always been horrible with sticking to New Years resolutions but in all honestly I need to start anew. So I've decided that 2010 will be a year to embrace my(our) inner weirdness. As I've gotten older I've always been drawn to things a little less mainstream, a little odd...a lifestyle that is not suited for many. Every year I get a little more comfortable in my own skin. But always holding me back is wondering if my friends and family think I'm getting too weird.

So here goes....
Chris and I are starting with a decluttering project. We are going to declutter from now until January 31st (with 5 free days). We will donate/sell/trash 5 items per day. A minimalistic life appeals to me but I've never been remotely close. Clutter seems to be the theme of my life and I'm over it. So if we stick to our guns will be rid of 300 things by January 31st which is very exciting to me. We will also get rid of 5 things per new thing that enters ours home (with the exception of food). I'm eager to see where this leads us in a month.

Chris and I have always felt drawn into a homesteading type of life. We have decided to try this out by getting some chickens in the spring and hopefully have them laying by fall. Maybe half a dozen? I'm not sure yet. We are still researching it and figured it is the best way to start a small homestead. He is also going to start winter sowing so we can have a productive garden this year. Our garden was highly neglected last year and we did not freeze/can anything. I want a stocked freezer/pantry this year!

I am crafty and creative. I know this and I need to embrace it. My recent obsession has been sewing. I'm still not that great but I'm not bad either. Each project improves and hopefully within the year I can get even better. I'd love to make most of the things we need or use. We are going to turn our storage room into a sewing room this spring. I'm very excited about this!

Homeschooling. Yes, I said it. I said all along that I would probably homeschool. When we moved back to Chattanooga and had access to magnet schools, I pushed that idea to the side. Well we did not get into CSAS this year. I'm not sure where we are on the list but I'm guessing it will be 2nd grade before we get in. That being said, I'm going to homeschool Harrison. I will say this frightens me and it will be a huge challenge. But the more I research, the more excited I become. I know we will probably not have much support on this decision but Chris and I feel it is best for him. He is so smart and I do not want him to fall through the cracks in an overcrowded class room where he might be labeled ADD or hyper and a troublemaker. He is actually showing signs of reading readiness so I'm going to go with it and see if he is truly ready to learn to read. I know I was able to read in kindergarten but I don't remember how young I was when I could read. He loves books so it really isn't a shock to me. I've been researching like crazy and feel that the eclectic approach is the best method for us. I'd like to cover all the standards for TN schools in case he does end up at CSAS. So I will look for curriculum to teach Engligh/Language Arts & Math. I think for Fine Arts we will look into learning a musical instrument and possibly an art class. For computer technology, I will probably just get him some games and look for educational web programs. I'd like to get him started on a Foreign Language so I will likely be looking for a class on that. For PE we will just play outdoors and enroll him fall/spring sports. For reading we will just read, read, read! I'm not sure about science yet or social studies yet...maybe curriculum? I'd like to do a volunteer project as a family to teach him about serving others. My mind is swimming with ideas! I don't think he is old enough for cub scouts yet but I'd like to get in involved in something of that nature.

As far as my personal walk with God. It needs a lot of work. Ideally I'd like this upcoming year to be the year I surrender everything to God. What I've struggled with the most during my entire Christian walk is giving things to God. I guess I'm a control freak and I need to give God everything. I think I neglect feeding myself spiritually because I get too busy doing other things and I want this to change! I know I can live in peace and joy if I let God in completely!

One month ago today

It was the worst weekend of my life

So the worst weekend of my life started out on Thursday. I thought it was going to be a good day. We got off to a good start and we all had our cute Halloween shirts on…it felt like it would be good. It all started when I locked myself out of my house and car while heading out to take Harrison to school. Our door looks from the inside without keys and I knew as soon as I shut the door what I had done. I called Chris but he was at work and didn’t answer. I called my mother-in-law and she did not have keys to my house. I knew that I’d have to call my  mom but she was visiting my Daddy at the hospital and would not have her phone turned on during visiting hours. So I scoped out my house to see if there were any areas that I could break into and no such luck. Did I mention it was  raining? I called my mom when visiting hours were over and she was happy to come bring her warm car over to our house so we could sit in her car instead of the rain while we waited for Chris to bring me keys. We ended up sitting in her car for nearly 2 hours before Chris got home with keys. My Daddy was also scheduled to have surgery and we were nervous because he was not having a good week. So my mom leaves to go back to the hospital, Chris leaves to go to work and I stay to try to get some stuff done around the house. Then I get a call from my sister.  My dad’s doctor did not expect him to make it through surgery. I called Chris and he came home to go sit at the hospital with me. My mother-in-law came and got the kids, we took care of roll-call at the school (the CSAS list roll-call) and headed to the hospital and anxiously awaited the outcome of the surgery. He actually did well during surgery and was pretty stable. The doctor said we’d wait and see how he did through the weekend before he went back in again.

Friday I had planned on seeing my dad during the day but couldn’t get my schedule straight and I started feeling badly. He had a pretty stable day so I figured I’d just go visit him Saturday instead. That evening I started getting a horrible headache but I just chalked it up to nerves or something. Harrison spent the night with  mom so Kadie and I decided to take Chris dinner at work.  That evening when Chris got back home from work, we sat to make our weekend plans. We got into an argument and he went to bed while I sat in the living room to be by myself. I normally can deal with our little spats but for some reason this one hit me  hard. I came on to bed and started crying. My silent tears turned into sobs and then hysterical sobs and I could not calm down. My chest got really tight and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I asked Chris to help me and finally calmed down but then laid awake for an hour or so. I had no idea what was going on with me.

Saturday morning when I woke up with an intense sadness and I also felt like I got plowed into by a semi-truck. Then my mom called me before 8 am to tell me Harrison had a fever and wanted to come. We decided she would bring my sister Daresa (who was visiting from Memphis) to see Daddy and drop Harrison off after dropping her off at the hospital. Then mom would go back home until later on that day and she would come back to see Daddy.  She dropped Harrison off and within an  hour I knew I was sick too (headache, sore throat, cough, body aches, chills, slight fever) and decided I was going to stay at home and see my dad the next day. Chris and I had a talk about our argument and my tears. I explained to him how sad I felt and how scared I was about losing my dad and how I didn’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I could handle. Around noon I decided to check my phone and I had just missed a call from my sister, Daresa. She didn’t say anything in the message other than to call her back but I knew after hearing her message that things were bad. I called her and she told me she just talked to dad’s doctor. He said Dad looked a lot worse than yesterday. Although his chest x-ray showed improvement his lungs were working properly and he basically just wasn’t responding to treatment. It appeared as if his body was tired and just ready to stop fighting. So even though I felt badly I knew that I had to be at the hospital and we knew that Harrison would want to be with us because he felt badly too. So we dropped Kadie off at my in-laws house and report to the hospital. Daddy’s blood pressure kept getting really low and there wasn’t much more that could be done. His lungs were weak, his vent was turned up all the way and his kidneys were barely functioning. His nurse talked to my mom about DNR again because she had pulled the last set when he seemed to be improving. We talked it over with her. It was a tough decision because we knew that this time there would be a need. We knew that we were out of 2nd chances. After many tears, my mom said she would only sign those papers if they let Harrison and my niece, Camryn go in to see Daddy. You have to be at least 10 to visit patients in ICU so they had not been able to see him in over 2 months. Saturday was probably the longest day of my life. Not only did I feel horrible from fighting the flu but knowing that your Daddy’s breaths are numbered makes for a rough day. They let us stay in the family consultation room which had a door directly into the ICU. We were given unlimited access to Daddy for the entirety of his last days. Visiting hours no longer applied to us nor did visitor limits. I kept feeling weak and dizzy when I went into his room - probably because of being sick. When we took Harrison back to see him, he was a little nervous and did not want to wear the isolation gown and gloves. I got to hold him next to Daddy’s bed. It took a couple of minutes for Daddy to wake up but when he woke up his eyes twinkled and he gave Harrison the biggest smile. They were so close. It meant so much that he got to see him before he passed. Harrison gave him a shy smile back and they gazed at each other for a  bit and then we waved bye. Harrison was excited because he kept saying he had forgotten what his Pops looked like. I am really thankful they got to see each other that day. Chris took Harrison back home around dinner time and got Kadie too. He went ahead and got the kids in bed while I stayed at the hospital. Daddy was responsive all day but very sleepy probably because he was getting ready to go. That night around 10 or 11 I was standing in there with my niece, Bailey and nephew John.  The nurse could not get his oxygen sensor to read his stats from his finger which I knew was bad because that meant his extremities were cold due to his body shutting down. His BP starting dropping really low. Like 30/20 so I knew it was probably coming soon. My  niece went and got the rest of my family. His nurse ran off to call the ICU intensivist to see what to do. They infused him quickly with more fluid and some medicine. Which manage to get his BP back up into a normal range however they would not do it again.

My mom and I went home around 2 am so she could get some sleep. Hospitals are not comfortable especially when you are 69. I live 10-15 minutes from the hospital . Two of my sisters stayed there along with one of my nieces. Mom and I both woke up right before 7 and started getting ready. My sister Debbie called me and said we needed to hurry and get there. Then she call back within 10 minutes telling us to hurry up because he was going quickly. Thankfully we were already on our way out. So we took off to the hospital and got to be with him for his very last breaths. We got to tell him how much we loved him and how important he was to us. We got to let him know what a great Daddy/husband he was. And then he was gone, just like that. My Daddy was gone. I will never forget the feeling of loneliness and pain when I knew it really happened. This emotional roller coaster was over and I know have to live my life without my Daddy.

The weeks after his passing are rather blurry. I stayed with my mom most of the week after he died. It was hard and we cried a lot. There are days I do not want to get out of bed. There are days I question every medical decision that was made by him and his doctors. There are days I cry all day long and days I laugh. There are days I am so angry I can’t deal with it so I just don’t speak.  There are days that it feels like a terrible nightmare.

My Daddy was an  honorable man. Sure, he made mistakes and he was definitely human. I’m not saying he was perfect or even close to it.  He was a kind and sensitive man. He had integrity. He was a thoughtful gentleman. He was a thinker. He was the type of man that you just don’t see much of anymore. And the past 10 years with my him have made up for any years prior to that. He did have a drinking addiction until 1999. There are some not so great memories from that period of his life but he made up for them tenfold in the past 10 years.  Even as an alcoholic he was actually still a really good man. After he stopped drinking, I saw the man my mother fell in love with. I saw someone that always seemed so hard ,become so soft. I saw him act like a child again when playing with my children. I saw him make peace with God and live a peaceful life. Daddy’s eyes always twinkled  - and even up until the day he died he still had that amazing sparkle in his blue eyes.  And he always had this little smirk on his face - like he knew a secret and wasn’t telling a soul.

It has been one month today. I have lived a month of my life without my Daddy. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. I know that the pain is still raw and it will get easier with time. I know that one day I will be able to remember something about him and smile or laugh rather than cry painful tears. I know that he is no longer in pain and that he if had the choice to come back on earth at this point, he would happily choose Heaven now. I know these things and slowly I am accepting them. There are so many things I miss about him and things I don’t even realize I miss yet.  Right now I miss my deep Daddy conversations. I miss how he always had an avocado (to make guacamole) sitting on the counter for me when  I came to visit. I miss how he lit up when he saw my children. I miss him taking his nightly walk at the same time every night. I just miss my Daddy. I miss him so much it hurts. 

 

 

Daddy Update

Dad had surgery to reconnect his esophagus to small intestines in hope to finally get him on the road to healing. The surgery started yesterday around 1:15 and lasted over 3 hours. His doctor told us that the part of his small intestines that was to be joined to his esophagus was necrotic so he had to cut  part of it out and attach the healthy part to the esophagus. His esophagus did look good though. There was more necrotic tissue around his liver and pancreas which was cleaned. Part of his large intestines had to be removed because of necrotic tissue so he ended up with a bowel resection also. Less than an hour later he was taken back to surgery because he was bleeding and it was uncontrollable. His doctor told my family around 7 pm last night that he would probably not make it beyond an hour or so. He said that the area where his spleen had been removed (10 years ago) was the main problem because of a messentary artery which has been the bleeding problem the whole time. And his liver function is a concern. So they started infusing him with plasma, platelets, blood and different medicines to help his BP and to help him clot.  So we all went to see my Daddy to be with him as he made his journey out of this world. Most of us got to seem him around 9 pm last night (which according to his doctor he should have been dead). Two of my sisters were traveling  and had not made it back in town yet. At this point my dad’s kidney function was still great and he was bleeding less but his head was really swollen and he is back on a ventilator. He was actually alert and trying to talk to us. His doctor then told us that we should still probably expect the worse and pretty much all life saving measures were being taken. My mom signed DNR papers. My two sisters arrived around the same time and we got to go back to see him again. At this time the swelling had gone down slightly in his head and he was holding his own for the most part. He was off most medications and relatively stable considering all things.

This morning when I saw him again, he was still awake and alert and all vitals are stable  and the bleeding has slowed down considerably. He was trying to talk to me and I’m pretty sure he told me he was feeling well. His doctor was amazed that he made it through the night and honestly doesn’t know what to tell us. He said tomorrow if things are the same,  he will have to go back in and remove some of the things he packed in his abdomen to put pressure on the area. Basically at this point, we are taking it hour by hour. We really don’t know if he has much more time with us. He does not appear to be suffering as he is smiling at us when he visits and trying to talk to us. The fact he has lived through any of this is amazing and we just aren’t sure if our family is going to get anymore miracles. So for those of you keeping up with his journey and praying for him please keep us in your prayers. I am praying for God’s will to be done and for us to have peace and comfort no matter what that means and for it to be abundantly clear.

6 of my favorite things (baby/child/cloth diaper themed)

Molly's Bottoms
Roo-bugs

Gymboree
Dr Bronner's Baby Mild Soap
Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion
Hyland's Teething tablets

Molly Bottoms are seriously the most beautifully crafted hand knit diaper covers (shorties, longies, skirties) I've ever seen! We are fortunate  enough to have a few pairs and will hopefully add a few more to our stash within the next month or so! The best thing is that Denise (the mommy/knitter) is awesome! She is seriously one of the coolest chicks I know!

Roo-bugs are definitely the squishiest diapers we own. I just want to roll around in them...LOL. They fit awesome and are very absorbant.  And on top of that, the mommy behind them, Gina, is another awesome chicky!

Gymboree probably doesn't need any explanation. I love the play sets. Good quality clothing that stays in style for a long time. Probably some of our most durable and loved baby and children's clothing. And you can get superb deals on their stuff (which is the only way I buy it). I have no issues with buying used Gymbo either because of the quality.

Dr Bronner's Baby Mild Soap is hands down the only soap that will touch my children's body. It doesn't have nasty toxic chemicals in it. It scores 2 on the cosmetic data base and seriously leaves my children squeaky clean and smelling heavenly! We LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion is my favorite because a little goes a long way and it smells nice. Now this doesn't score quite as low on the cosmetic database (4 out of 10) but we don't use it every night either.

Hyland's Teething Tablets are my favorite because they work for us and they are homeopathic! Can't beat that :)

Wordless Wednesday

Here is my first attempt at Wordless Wednesday......

 

 

 

 

 

 

There ya go....disgusting, I know!

Motivate Me Monday - Random Domestic Duties

So today is my first day of blogging with my new themes :) So on MMM (Motivate Me Monday's) I will write about what I want to get accomplished and then update later that night.

Must Do:
Prep dinner for crock pot (Italian Sausages with Pepper & Rotini)
Clean Kitchen
Clean Living Room
Clean both bathrooms
Clean Master Bedroom
Call CSAS admission office
Call doctor's about lap-band adjustment self-pay pricing
Prepare reimbursement forms for FSA
Put Kadie's car seat back together (she threw up in in yesterday)
Mail out custom tie dyes, orders
Run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things
Wash diapers
Dye wool yarn!

Would like to do:
Run to Old Navy to look at a tan peacoat for Kadie and any other sales they might be having
Start working on Kadie's fall closet

Thus far, I have chopped all the ingredients for our dinner and they are now slow-cooking to perfection in the crock pot. I will just have to boil the noodles, bake the bread and prep the salad when dinner time approaches. Hopefully this is good..I think Chris will like it!

While the children are happily watching Yo Gabba Gabba I'm going to tackle the rest of this list, so I will update later.
Update: Well I didn't quite finish my list but I did get quite a lot accomplished.

Here is a picture of dinner - served with salad and bread. It was pretty filling and my kids actually ate it! Chris liked it too! I'm not a huge fan of Italian Sausage but I didn't mind this at all. There was enough for us all to have a serving and for Chris to take it to lunch - plus one more!







I was able to get the kitchen and living room cleaned but never got to tackle the bathrooms or master bedroom. My mom came by for a couple of hours so I was able to run my errands. Here is what I came back to:

This is our playroom. And yes it does get pretty messy during the day, but seriously? Surprisingly it didn't take that long to clean! Some of it infiltrated the living room but was quickly relocated when I got home. And yes, Kadie is talking on a "phone". Harrison is behind the gold chair playing kitchen. And just so you know, that gold chair is older than me :) It belonged to my mom and dad and I begged them for it when we moved.

So I guess you could say my efforts were needed elsewhere! LOL

When I called CSAS I was pleasantly surprised to find out I have the date to submit kindergarten applications wrong! It is not October 3rd but rather October 24th so that means I might get to camp with the crazies!
I'm waiting on some return phone calls with my lap-band adjustment. I discovered it will likely be $250-300 with my current physician and awaiting a call back from another one. Thankfully we can flex it so hopefully I'll get that scheduled soon so I can lose some weight! Still carrying around 20 lbs from K's pregnancy...not cool.

Here are some cute pictures from the day. My son loves to dress up and he pulled out his Halloween costume that he wore at 2 years.

They have so much fun together!

And she is just too cute!












I've got my diapers in the wash right now and I'm prepping my dye to start the yarn tonight so I will wake up to freshly dyed yarn to rinse tomorrow!
Just one more picture before I close. Kadie threw up in her car seat yesterday so I had to wash the cover. So I reassembled everything and put her in it to make sure it looked right.

And just in case you are looking at this picture and thinking her chest clips are not at armpit level or feel compelled to tell me the cover is coming up on the side....I know! Relax, she is just inside and we practice extended rear facing and all other forms of car seat safety :)

Playing with black dye

I finally decided to try black dye again. My last experience with it was not pleasant. I'm quite pleased with how most things looked after the final wash. I mixed 2 different black dyes to get this color, which for the most part is a true black.


My first dye project for myself with my professional dyes - the heart is a little off centered but doesn't look bad when I wear it


Diaper Cuts for Sugar N Spice Congo


Shirts for Harrison and Kadence - the black in his shirt did not turn out as well

I washed them on 2 hot washes so it is a true black! I'm dyeing wool yarn tomorrow...super excited about that!

Going to try to start blogging regularly

I always have great intentions and great ideas in my heads but just never do it! So I've decided to be better about it! I'm having trouble sleeping here lately so I might has well make use of my time. So I thought I would work on some theme days to keep me motivated.
Motivate Me Mondays - will write about things I am motivated to do that day
Wordless Wednesdays - got this idea from several friends blogs
Funny Fridays - will tell something funny or post funny picture

I will try to blog in between but I figured having some themes might keep me motivated to write!

Roller Coaster

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammatical errors.....my brain isn't functioning today

Well to say my life has been a roller coaster ride this past 5 weeks is an understatement. As I wrote in my previous entry, my Daddy had surgery on July 23rd. Really and truly everything seemed to be moving in the right direction. Then on August 11th, I was driving to Harrison's open house for school (mother's day out) and my mom called me and told me Daddy was going back to ICU. She didn't give me many details but told me to go to the open house because everything would be fine. So I started my day out with my biggest worry being when I would sit down to call and wish my sister happy birthday...to this. We rush at the open house and then rush to the hospital. I find out my dad was put on a ventilator and thought to be septic. To top it off, his treating physician is on vacation so a fill-in doctor is taking care of him! How in the heck did this happen? I just spoke to him earlier that day and he was in good spirits...talk about coming out of nowhere!
So here is a daily breakdown of things:
8/11/09 - Back in ICU, vomitting blood, trembly uncontrollably, fever of 105, put on ventilator
8/12/09- we were told his prognosis was grim and he would not make it through the day
8/13/09 - Still hanging in there, WBC going down a bit
8/14/09 - Improving some, writing us notes to communicate, WBC going down a bit, kidneys doing well, the fill in dr said he was encouraged by his "small" progress
8/15/09 - dad is heavily sedated and pretty out of it, WBC still going down, a new fill in dr told us we would not take him home alive and gave some mis information that scared us all
8/16/09- His treating doctor was finally back in town again and reviewed his case. He told us that he could not make any promises but that he didn't see why Daddy can't make a full recovery. His white blood count continues to go down a little each day which means the infection is getting better. His kidneys are functioning on their own. He is still on dialysis to pull off the extra fluid but the plan is to wean him off dialysis this week. He is still on the ventilator and did not tolerate it well when they reduced the oxygen so weaning him off of this is a slow process. Right now it is at 60% oxygen. They took out his AV line. He still has a central line and pic line. His drainage tubes all are slowing down. He was extremely sedated again so he was not responsive to us again. CT Scan will be done Monday or Tuesday to check on is pancreas and any infection in his abdomen. This day was the first day any of us had any real hope since he's been back in ICU.
8/17/09 - I haven't seem him yet this morning but Mom called to tell me that he has some blood coming out of one of his drainage tubes. They are going to do an endoscopy to see where the blood is coming from. The endoscopy is a major risk for him in his current state but they have to locate the source of blood.
8/18/09 -CT Scan revealed necrotic tissue in his abdomen, had surgery that same night to take out necrotic tissue and repaired an erosion in his stomach and his incision was left open..that night he was losing a ton of blood and it was unknown if he would make it through the night. His condition was called DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) google it...it is scary
8/19/09-Daddy was stable and clotting again
8/20/09-WBC way down, scheduled for another procedure to remove necrotic tissue (surgery #3) repaired his stomach again but not much necrosis this time
8/21/09-pretty stable day
8/22/09-Surgery #4, put on contact isolation due to some baceteria in his cultures, tolerated surgery well, taken off of dialysis
8/23/09-he had a rough day in general, vitals not stable, blood loss, etc
8/24/09 - Surgery #5 - repaired stomach again
8/25/09- rough day, bleeding out of control, vitals all over the place
8/26/09- Surgery #6 - total gastrectomy! His whole stomach was removed. Another small part of his pancreas was removed again. The doctor said his stomach just looked awful and rotten and there just wasn't anything worth saving. Rather than attaching his esophagus to his small intestines right now, he has a tube in his esophagus that drains externally and his small intestins are sewn shut. Within 1-6 months he will re-attach them...basically when he is good and stable! On top of this, he has developed MRSA where his AV line was.
So the good new is that he thinks this should resolve the bleeding. There were some big veins that were causing problems from his splenectomy 10 years ago and his stomach had big veins that would just not stop bleeding. The bad news is that if he has uncontrollable bleeding in his esophagus there is nothing they can do surgically. Basically this was the last resort surgically. So we are praying that his esophagus remains healthy. He had an ERCP a week or so prior to this which didn't show anything alarming so we are praying for the best.

So one might ask...can you live without a stomach? Why yes you can! Weird huh? When they re-attach his esophagus to his small intestines he will be able to eat mini meals. He will probably have dumping syndrome and have to avoid surgary foods..kind of like a gastric bypass patient but all in all, he can resume a pretty normal life. Now my dad loves to eat and he loves pies so this may be hard on him but we will deal with that when we get there.

So for those of you praying and keeping up on him....he was doing well today. No alarming blood loss and vital signs all look pretty stable. He will obviously have a super long road of recovery ahead. You can pray specifically for the following things:
*healing of the staph infection (MRSA)
*a healthy esophagus with no bleeding
*post surgical healing
*pancreas to continue to heal
*weaning him off the ventilator to go smoothly
*wisdom for his surgeon, infectious disease specialist and his nurses

So that is where we are right now. I'm praying that the roller coaster ride will slow down!

My Hero...not invincible after all!

I will never forget July 21, 2009. This is the day I found out my dad had cancer. Let me back up to how this all happened.

First of all my dad is 71 years old. He takes really good care of himself. Tries to watch what he eats and takes daily walks. He was an alcoholic for many years but stopped drinking December 1999.

Around the beginning of June he started feeling sick to his stomach. He thought maybe it was spicy food and chalked it up to developing GERD. He basically felt bad on and off all month and even thought he had a virus, went to the doctor..the whole nine yards. Well on Father's Day he started feeling really sick and then about 1-2 weeks later starting turning yellow with jaundice. His doctor ran Hepatitis tests on him which came back negative. Then he was sent for a gallbladder scan. The doctor said it looked like his gallbladder and referred him to a surgeon. The surgeon took a look at his tests and felt there was more going on and refferred him to an oncology surgeon because they found a tumor in his ampula. The oncology surgeon decides Daddy needs a whipple surgery to remove the tumor which they found to be Stage 1 cancer. His surgeon said because of the location of the tumor, they found it early which is obviously a huge blessing.

Where we are right now....
Well obviously we have no idea if the cancer will come back. He will more than likely need chemo/radiation after recovery. He has been in the hopsital for just over a week and will hopefully be discharged by the end of this week. He is on a feeding tube but he started a clear liquid diet this weekend. He is regaining strength every day and has good days and bad days. For the most part, he isn't taking any pain meds. He is getting his days and nights mixed up and having a difficult time sleeping in general. I think he is just ready to be home.

I must say, he has pretty much been seemingly invincible my whole life. I never in a million years thought my dad would get cancer. It just goes to prove that you really never know and you can never prepare yourself for it! To see him so helpless, so vulnerable...it is a sight I never thought I would see. He has always been strong as an ox. Throughout this experience he has proven what a fighter he is and it has really united my sisters. We definitely do well in a crisis. My prayer is that he continues to fight and can finish out his life as a long healthy one.

It is me again..it has been awhile

Life has been busy and therefore I forget to blog! Since my last thoughts, I now have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Wow! Time flies! Harrison is fully potty trained (finally!) and Kadie is walking! I've been babysitting a lot and therefore not as much time during the day to blog, etc. But rather than catch up on our lives since I lasted posted I came to write my feelings and concerns for my sweet boy. I really don't even know where to start.

Harrison has been a challenge since day 1. Well looking back he was relatively easy from about 2 months until 12 months. So we had a 10 month easy stretch. He started terrible twos early and started the terrorizing threes even earlier. I felt light at the end of the tunnel as we neared his 4th birthday but since he has turned 4 things have been...well simply stated, things have been awful.

He refuses to do anything that his Daddy and I ask/tell him to do. He makes mountains out of molehills on so many things. Meltdowns and tantrums are increasing by the day. His attitude is poor. His little OCD traits are emerging more and he can't control any of his emotions. I often question whether me staying home with him was a good decision because he doesn't seem to be happy.

I feel very convicted about parenting mistakes I've made in the past. Chris and I both do actually. We have been lazy and inconsistent and reactive rather than proactive. We've been trying new things are we are starting to realize all of these issues might be a cry for help. We want to do what is best, not just what is sufficient. I'm about to spend a great deal of time in prayer. I need God to speak to me about what I need to change so that I can be a better Mommy to my sweet boy. Because I know underneath all of the anger in this little guy - there is a sweet boy. That sweet baby with the big blues eyes that can melt my heart. How I love him so! How this sweet angel changed my life and rocked my world. I can't thank God enough for him. I know he is a challenge and keeps me on my toes. Sometimes I question as to why he can't be easy and I get frustrated and angry. But I know deep down inside there is something incredible in his future that he will need this endless amount of strongwill for. He is my little warrior (now if only he didn't have to go at war with me). I will try to post regularly about updates with his behavior and attitude. So if you are reading this...keep us in your thoughs and prayers.

Sometimes I just don't understand why...

So my husband calls me this morning to inform me that he got out of a meeting at work and the entire company will be taking a 10% decrease in pay effective May 1st...gee thanks for the warning.

I'm trying not to flip out about it but I am . I know God will take care of us but I still worry. I worry because as a one very modest income family this decrease in pay is detrimental to us. Because what we have left over after meeting all of our obligations is not 10% of our monthly income and I really don't know what else we can cut out. We do not live extravagantly by all means. I am trying to brainstorm ways that I can make some extra money but I already do everything I can. I pray that God blesses our garden this year so I can can and freeze a ton of veggies. I'm going to try to revamp our menu to try to decrease our grocery budget which isn't big to begin with. I don't really know what else to cut though.

I know there is a reason for this and I may not understand it and may never understand. I know there are many families that do not have food to eat every day or a house to sleep in. I am blessed to have what we have. I am thankful he still has his job and the pay decrease was not larger but it honestly does not make it any easier to digest at this point.

Just blogging my thoughts

First of all, our laptop is back. It has been out of commission for just over 2 weeks. We actually didn't send it back until this past Friday and got it back today. HP gave awesome customer service and could not have been faster with the repair. WTG HP! I know my hubby wanted a mac book but I guess this was the next best thing :)

We are about to enter the crazy mode in our life for the next several weeks. This is Holy Week so Chris has been at church more often rehearsing lights for the Easter shindig. Tomorrow I'm going my playgroup which has not met in a month so it will be super nice to see all the ladies and kids. After that we have church for Maundy Thursday. I'm really looking forward to this. I'm learning so much more this year about Lent and Holy Week and it has really put a whole new perspective on Easter. I've always understood Easter but so many new things are unfolding. We had lunch with some church folk today and talked about Holy Week. I learned so much! Chris is off work for Good Friday too! I volunteered to cook Easter dinner for my parents and Chris' parents this year so I'll probably be in the kitchen for a long time Saturday getting things ready and getting my house clean. Our families are coming over right after church to watch the kids hunt eggs and then to eat.

Our anniversary is Tuesday. We will have been married for 8 years! I'm not sure exactly what we are doing but we are going out to eat and Angel will be watching our children. My friend is having a pampered chef party the following night which I'm hoping to make and then Thursday night is my mom's birthday and the women's group meets at church that night. I believe we are going to my mom and dad's Saturday to celebrate mom's birthday. I'll make her a cake since that is not my dad's cup of tea. We are picking up Harrison's swing set finally. I know both of our kids will be so happy to be reunited with the swing set. Oh yeah, my HC store is due to stock during all of this too. I'm mainly going to take custom orders this time.

During all of this I'm planning and preparing for Harrison and Kadie's birthday party. We are having it at our church on May 3rd. I was going to do a carnival theme however Harrison really wanted a Buzz Lightyear theme so I decide to just do a dual themed party since it was so important to Harrison that he had Buzz. I think I've decided on this for Kadie. We might be getting an inflatable. I'm not 100% sure yet. I'm finalizing the birthday invitations tonight. I need to finalize the pictures for the birthday DVD too. I'm making both of the cakes. I'm actually a cake making fool. I'll be making a few cupcakes for Kadie's actual birthday on 5/2 and then both cakes and the smash cake for the party and then cupcakes for Harrison's actually birthday on 5/6. I've been trying to figure out how to make the Buzz cake. I really hate working with fondant but I think I'm going to go that route. I'd love to make one like this or this but I may go more with this but that means I have to do gum paste and I can't remember how to do it! I'm either going to do a flower or butterfly for Kadie. Whichever I choose, it will be in the actual shape of the object. Thank goodness Publix had their cake mix buy one get one free. I stocked up! I'm also thinking about embellishing shirts for them to wear. I can't decide though. I've been trying to decide what to buy them. Harrison said he wanted a big blue robot and this is what he is referring to. Chris looked at them last night and said it really was not that cool and he really didn't think Harrison would like it. I did find him a small one so I'm not sure if we will get the big one yet. I found him a Yoda and Count Dookoo at Toys R Us today when I was getting the smaller Optimus Prime. He LOVES Star Wars. I also got him Madagascar 2 since Target had it on sale for 6.99. Normally we buy him outdoor toys for his birthday but he really doesn't need any. For his first birthday we got him a stand up sandbox table that also has a water table, his swing set for his second birthday and his trampoline for this third birthday. He got a bicycle for Christmas and I just got them an outdoor picnic table. I'm totally stumped because the only thing he says he wants is that stupid transformer. I'm going to get Kadie this stroller. They were sold out when I went to Toys R Us today but I need to check the other one. All of the FP toys are buy one get one free. I'm not sure what else I want to get for her. I have a tendency to go overboard on my kids and I really need to stop because they get so much stuff from all of our family and friends. My mom got them some super cool birthday toys today. Anyway, enough about the birthdays...

The following week for Mother's Day we are going to start a new tradition with my mom, my mother-in-law, myself, Kadie and possibly my sister(s). We are going to the Gallery cafe on Friday before Mother's Day. I LOVE that place! It will be an awesome girly tradition to start!

Then my dad's birthday and my birthday! I want an Ergo baby carrier for my birthday but Chris thinks it is a silly gift so I doubt I will get one :(

During all of this, I'm desperately trying to spring clean, I'm getting rid of all my my outgrown kids things/toys, purging our closets, dressers and attic. We are getting new carpet for the playroom and Kadie's room which I'm extremely excited about. We are shooting for this by the end of May. We have hardwood under our bedroom and hallway carpet so we will likely be pulling up that carpet and refinishing the floors. I'm so excited about all of this because our bedroom is so ugly right now. We have nothing hanging up, white walls and a worn quilt on our bed. I've been putting off decorating it because right now there is green carpet in the room and I didn't want to do anything until we could decide it we were replacing carpet or refinishing the wood. So I get to decide on paint colors and new bedding :) And I will finally be proud of Kadie's room because she has the cutest pink and brown walls with ugly blue carpet. She will be getting a nice neutral beige Berber with specks. And on top of that our house will look uniform. Kadie has blue frieze carpet. The playroom has spotted ugly Berber. And the hallway/master room has green frieze. So UGLY! Harrison has blue carpet but it is newer/nicer and it goes with his room and since his room is the only one upstairs it will be okay to have a different color up there for now. Sadly, we had lived here for almost 6 months now and I really have not done any decorating. Our living room looks fine and the kitchen is okay. But other than that, it is just blah! So after spring cleaning I have got to get my house looking nice. We moved in here at the end of October and we spent November unpacking/settling and then getting ready for Christmas. I've been in a funk up until recently and just have not cared but not I care and I want our house to reflect us and our charm :) Nothing overboard, just want it to be cute.

Chris plowed up a nice spot in the backyard for our garden. We will be planting next weekend. I'm so excited. Walking out into your background and picking food for dinner is magical. I love it!

We've still been praying about where God wants us to go. We just aren't sure if the RV missionary thing is what He wants us to do. Some of the things that have happened recently have led us to believe that maybe it isn't in the plans for now but might be years down the road. I'm mainly trying to pray for it daily and pray that I take all of the open door that God gives us. I'm keeping an open mind and still cleaning/decluttering my house like it is in the plans. I will go wherever He sends us and if that is Chattanooga, Tennessee then so be it.

Last but not least, Kadie has been sleeping in her own bed from 7-10 hours every night since Friday. I forgot what it was like to get sleep! She was nursing every 1-2 hours and was in our bed. She was getting worse every month. I truly do not mind co-sleeping at all but every time I'd move it would wake her up and she'd nurse. It has been really draining me and wearing me not physically and emotionally. She makes up for lost time when she wakes up between 4-6 am. I just take her back to bed with me and she seriously nurses non-stop for a couple of hours. I can deal with it. At least I'm getting consecutive sleep. The first night I did not sleep well because I was so worried about her but it has been getting easier :)

My excited face and more

This past Monday we had to run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. We told Harrison that he could bring his own money and buy something. He LOVES buying things with his own money and we let him do so every couple of months. So he had $7.00 in his wallet and was ready to go. As Chris was strapping him into his car seat he asked him if he was excited. Harrison's reply - "Yes I'm excited. Look at my face!"

Here is a re-enactment of the excited face.


The re-enactment was done on Friday morning over breakfast. This was actually quite comical. Harrison was eating his typical breakfast (oatmeal, raisins, bananas, fruit mix, and cottage cheese). He had gotten in our bed the night before around 12-1 am. I asked him why he got in our bed and he said there were monsters in his room (Mr Waternoose from Monsters Inc specifically- so he needed to sleep with us) and he proceeded to show me the mean face he gave the monster. And according to him, he had already taken care of the monster and was no longer scared but still felt the need to join us in bed. Then he gave me his sweet boy face, which still to this day melts my heart :)

A beautiful spring day!

We had a great time playing outside yesterday. We spent over an hour just hanging out in the back yard. Harrison wasn't feel well but it didn't keep him from jumping on the trampoline and blowing lots and lots of bubbles. My children ADORE bubbles. You can't blame them - bubbles make me smile too. Kadie's loves balls and she says "ball" over and over as she is patting it and holding it. So cute! I am so thankful I am able to enjoy these special memories with my children!

Are we nuts?

OK, so today, Chris and I are on our way to mom and dad's house. My sister and her family are visiting through Wednesday and staying with my parents. Today was also the launch of my etsy store and my store on the hyena cart congo. They HC congo was a wise move business wise. I am a member of a huge cloth diapering group on cafemom (where the congo originated) so there were lots of hits on the HC store. I didn't put a ton of money investment wise into this venture so if it flops it isn't a huge deal and I had fun doing it. We will see.

Anyway, back to my point. So on the way to mom and dad's the four of us are in our car. Harrison was chillin' and being well behaved and Kadie was chewing on her sock monkey. Chris and I have some of our best conversations in the car. I looked back at H man and he gave me that precious little smile so I was thinking to myself how good he was being. (He had been a terror all morning due to lack of sleep and not feeling well). I told Chris sort of jokingly but not really - we should just get rid of all of our stuff, pack up and live in a RV and travel the country. We have our best moments on the road...really and truly. He chuckled and agreed. I am being serious Chris. So we sort of toss around the idea. At first I'm like...I can tie dye and we can travel to hippie festivals and set up vendor stands, etc. And you (Chris) can figure out something to do with all of your production/videography/photography experience. We could do it. Think about how easy and simplistic our life would be. We would have to become minimalists simply due to lack of space -which appeals to us but we really struggle with it. We would have so much more time to worship God, enjoy each other and our kids. We are very nature oriented people...some might say tree huggers....whatever. I feel at peace and feel God's presence when I'm outside in His wonderous creations. Chris does too. Both of our kids do actually.

So we've been hashing this out all day and night long into the wee hours of the morning. At first it seemed sort of far fetched and crazy but as we continued talking about it we found ourselves feeling mission bound. Here is the deal. I have always (well at least since I was 16) felt called to the mission field but I never can see how it fits in my life. Chris really was not/has not been on the same page until recently. I'd pick up and move to Africa in a heartbeat..he isn't quite there yet. Maybe Africa is not in our future. However we could totally see ourselves being traveling missionaries in the USA.

So where do we go from here? I think both of us feel a strong urge from God that this just isn't a whim. I mean first of all we are in a sense giving up (at least temporarily) on the American dream of having the house with the picket fence and 2.5 kids, nice cars, boat, etc. Some days I care about that but most days I don't. It is just stuff. You can't take stuff with you when you die. How can I possibly sit at home wasting my time with all of this stuff when there are people in this world that don't know about the love of Christ. I mean when I look at it that way, I wonder why we aren't doing something now. We bought a home because we have so much stuff we needed a bigger place to put all of it. Our plans involve saving money so that we can update stuff and change stuff around and eventually sell this house to get a bigger house to put more stuff inside...see where I'm going with this. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with the American dream and the stuff. But we aren't those people. At least at this point in our lives we are not those people.

Ok so reality check. What in the world would we do? I mean we'd have to get rid of most of our stuff and store the stuff we can't part with. That would be no easy task but we could do it. We'd need to boost up our savings a bit. We'd have to figure out how to support ourselves and figure out our target mission field. Would we actually be missionaries? If so, I don't even know where to start. Is there a such thing as a traveling missionary/gypsy family in a RV? Well sure there is. With God the possibilities are endless. How would we pay the bills each month (food, insurance, gasoline, cell phones, RV hook up, etc)? We can't afford a RV right now. We looked online and you can actually get a used one for a pretty good price, we are a four household family on a modest income..there is no room for a RV and we don't use debt anymore for the type of thing. Then we would need a different vehicle that would tow a travel trailer. I guess we could sell both vehicles we have now and find something that would work.

So if we worked out all of the logistics above you have to think of our kids and family. First of all even if we were somehow blessed to have a travel trailer it would have to be big enough for all of us to live comfortably. Preferably with the master bed and the bunk beds. Where would our kids keep their toys? Would we kill each other? We figured we'd try to travel so that we were very seldom in inclimate weather and could spend as much time as possible outdoors. We'd obviously have to homeschool and that is fine with me. But as a travler, do your kids make friends? Who do they play with? Do they resent you forever for robbing them of a normal childhood? But then again are we a "normal" family? If we are following God's will, then does all of this sort of pan out? I mean I have faith but I've never taken a leap quite this big. And back to the stuff thing. I mean we'd have to keep our personal belongings down to a minimum in order to live comfortably. No more trips to Target just to browse and buy stuff we think is cool. No more collecting, Oh yeah, and we could not have a garden. That would suck.

My mind could go all night and probably will. I honestly haven't felt this excited and passionate about anything in awhile. I'm also scared. Scared of the unknown. But I'm also peaceful...does that even make sense? I'm peaceful that God will provide no matter what.

So for those of you that are reading this...some of you that know us well may not really be surprised. But seriously keep us in your prayers. We can't let this be a fleeting thought. I feel it was Dinvinely inspired. We constantly feel like we aren't doing what we should be doing for God. We need prayers for direction and lots of open doors. Prayers that we can find a RV and a vehicle to tow it. Prayers that we can target our mission field and prayers that we can make a modest living that will provide for basic needs. Prayers that we stay focused on truly following the will of God. Prayers that if this is meant to be that we will take advantage of the open doors that God gives us and that things will basically fall into place. Prayers that if we do this, we can get rid of the stuff, sell our house and the logistics of everything fall into place.

I can't get rid of the passion inside of me. There are people out in the world right now that feel hopeless and alone. There are hurting men, women, boys and girls. They don't know how powerful the embrace of a loving, fearful, sovereign God can be. They don't know that you don't have to be scared at night. They don't know that you don't have to worry about tomorrow because God will provide. They don't know that we have been given an awesome gift of salvation and exactly what Jesus did for us. I have to tell them!

General Updates

Kadie has been doing so many new and exciting things lately. She started crawling in January and cut tooth #3 and #4. Also since January she has lost the ability to go to sleep on her own and rarely sleeps in her crib at all anymore. In fact, she rarely sleeps anymore. In February she started pulling up on everything and signing milk. Just over the past few days she has mastered signing hi, bye, more and eat and said ball. We also figured out that she calls Harrison "Ha". She will usually crawl around yelling "Ha" when she can't find him. Super cute! She is quite loud..we thought she might be our quiet one but so far 2 for 2 on the loud factor. She is feisty, temperamental and a sweet pea. She is still nursing A LOT. I actually lose count..I just know she does it a lot. She also likes to nurse in really bizarre positions (like while trying to do a headstand). This is particularly uncomfortable for me. She is working on 4 more teeth right now and I'm really hoping they will be through soon. She LOVES to eat. She is such a tiny little peanut but this child eats non-stop. She eats more than her brother which on some days is not saying much.

Harrison has returned to his obsession of Toy Story and Buzz Lightyear especially. He goes through phases where he eats, sleeps and breathes Buzz. Quite frankly, I'm ready to toss Buzz out the window when he isn't looking. And he really likes for you to act out scenes from the movie..especially the fight scene with Buzz and Zurg (Toy Story 2). And if you don't recite it word for word he makes you start from scratch. It has really lost its appeal. His behavior (well up until this week) has drastically improved. I think we are seeing light at the end of the tunnel of this third year that no one warned me about. Potty training...most days the pee thing still goes relatively well but he still refuses to poop in the potty. *sigh* He is still super smart and amazes me with his linguistic abilities. He is also at this really fun story telling age. I love to listen to his day through his 3 year old view point. I'm really looking forward to this next year.

I am taking a small venture and I'm going to try to sell some of my tie dye creations. One of my cafe mom groups (cuties with cloth booties) is starting up a congo on hyena cart for all of the creative talent in the group. I'm going to put up a store in the congo and open up an etsy store. I'll probably put some of my hair clips and legwarmers as well. Wish me luck! I'm nervous and excited. If it doesn't turn out well, expect lots of tie dyed things for gifts this year.

a hotdog...oh my!

So I'm laying in bed nursing Kadie down for a nap. Harrison is in the shower and Chris is in the kitchen on the computer. Suddenly I hear, "Hey, my pee pee looks like a hot dog!" Chris checks on him before I do and finds out exactly what he is talking about. Yep, you guessed it, he is in the shower checking his "hotdog" out. Oh dear...