It's been on my mind a lot lately. The mommy wars thing. Specifically the working mom vs. stay at home mom topic. In my short month back at work, I've heard a whole gamut of comments. I truly don't understand why it has to be this way. I mean does it truly matter what another family is doing? Especially since most families are just trying to do the best they can for their own family. I never in a million years imagined myself as a stay at home mom. Yet the moment I held my baby boy, I knew that is what my heart desired. We weren't able to make that happen until he was three years old and we had a baby girl. The thought of being separated from my baby all day long and trying to breastfeed her while working was unbearable. But there are moms who do it all of the time. I did it with Harrison. I was already staying at home when Sam was born, so it wasn't a choice I had to make. It didn't make sense for me to try to go back to work after his birth. Then we were homeschooling for a bit. Honestly, I felt comfortable in that role and I felt that is where I'd be forever. I imagine there are many women who find themselves in this situation. Moms who have no choice to go back to work because they find themselves newly single, whether it be because they are divorced or widowed. Moms who are supporting the family while a spouse deals with a job loss, a career change, health issues, or perhaps going to school for a period of time. Maybe they are moms like me. Moms who could keep staying at home, but knowing that the goals for the entire family will be better reached when mom is contributing more financially. Or maybe it is a mom who knew she'd be going back to work as soon as her youngest reached a certain age. There are also plenty of moms who never desire to leave a fulfilling career and that is totally fine also. Just as there are moms who stay at home with their children for the whole shebang....and that is also great.
Bottom line is that is really doesn't freaking matter. I don't love my family any more or any less than I did when I wasn't working full-time. I love them the same. I will do whatever I have to do to make sure our family is happy and healthy. I'm doing my best. Just like I was doing my best when I woke up every day to teach my children at home. Just like I did my best when I spent my days playing with toddler and a baby. Just like I did my best working with one child who was in daycare. I didn't make any of these choices to try to make another mother feel badly about herself. I made them for my family. Why do women feel judged? Why do we feel we have to justify ourselves if we do something differently than someone else?
Here are some examples of the comments women have to endure.
The Homeschooling Mom might hear:
Oh, I could never teach my children. They drive me crazy. We butt heads. More power to you. I'm glad to send my kids to school. I enjoy them way more when I'm not with them all day.
The Mom Who Sends Her Kid to School might hear:
Oh, I could never send my kids away for 8 hours every day. I enjoy being with my kids and I want to know exactly what they are learning and exposed to at school. I only have them for 18 years and I want to savor it.
The Working Mom might hear:
I don't know how you do it. I could never send my baby to daycare. I would miss them too much and I would be afraid they'd stay sick all the time. I don't want someone else experiencing all of their firsts.
The Stay-at-Home Mom might hear:
I would get so bored staying at home. There's no way I'd be able to sit at home all day. I need adult interaction. I need to feel like I'm contributing to my family.
Some of these comments are true, but I feel like women say them in such a way to try to belittle another mom's choice.
Why can't we just say.....
Oh, that's great! I'd love to hear how that works for your family. How can I best offer you support?
If you've been there and done that, you can totally empathize with another mom. If you've never been in her shoes, you could just ask her what her day is like. It doesn't have to be a comparison. It isn't a comparison.
I can honestly say that I've been on both sides of the spectrum now. It's all hard. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Raising humans is hard work. I think we all go to bed at night wondering how badly we are f@#king them up? How many years of therapy they will need to survive adulthood? And thankful that God will fill in the gaps where we truly and utterly suck at life.
Ladies, we have to love and support each other. This isn't a competition. It isn't a race. We are all trying to raise decent humans who make a difference in this world. It is much harder to do that if we all aren't on the same team. Let's work together and raise awesome humans with the support of one another. #teamMom #TheWorldNeedsAllKindsOfMoms
#SisterhoodOfMamas
~Peace out homies.
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