The gunman has Asperger’s

So the reports coming in today are saying that the 20 year old gunman from Newtown, CT  had Asperger’s and another disorder.

As a mother to a child with Asperger’s this broke my heart. Why? Not because I think my child will do something horrific like this. It breaks my heart because so many people who have never heard of Asperger’s Syndrome are hearing about it for the first time and will likely associate it with this tragic event.

I’m willing to say that mostly everyone that falls under an ASD diagnosis, would NEVER do something like this. Please, please, please do not let this tragedy shape your view of individuals with Asperger’s/Autism. It is pretty obvious to me that something else was going on with this guy. Perhaps, it will come out at some point. Time will tell. Either way, it will not ever make sense.

If you put 20 Aspies in a room together, you will meet 20 people who are completely different. However, across the board they do have some things in common. Most Aspies are rule followers – they cannot stand wrongdoing. They aren’t sociopaths or criminals. They typically are socially awkward and have some quirky personality traits. I came across this post today written by an Aspie. This person really reminded me a lot of my son in this paragraph

“For me personally, I have always sensed the inherent wrongness of violence precisely because of the unconventional way my mind works - I've sometimes felt guilty about swatting flies and felt like I could empathize with them; I can empathize with almost anyone or anything, and it's precisely because I'm largely denied the easy, almost subconscious social communication that connects most people.  So instead of having a strong bond with a few people while being cut off from everything else like most people are, I tend to feel more broadly connected to the world and have a sense of responsibility for how it develops despite just being an ordinary citizen with no special resources.  But I admit that's just me, and is not necessarily broadly applicable.”

I’m sure that the families of the victims (and our nation) want closure, and rightfully so. I’m sure they (we all) have questions – questions that will likely never be answered. I can only imagine that they are wondering why this happened? What could drive a person to such an evil act? My prayer is that God comforts these families with His peace. So many stories of heroic acts are being told. I hope that the families of those heroes can cling on to the memory that their loved one died selflessly and full of courage.

Here is a verse that was shared by my church yesterday. I pray that we can all put our hope in this.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Our slacker elves

Last year I finally succumbed to the elf. I hate the elf.  The kids named him Jack. This year I even decided to add another elf – a girl elf. They named her Lisa. I hate the elves. I think they are creepy. They remind me of clowns and I really hate clowns. Our elves are really boring. Our elves generally forget to move into a different location until I’m lying in bed. As I’m drifting off to sleep, I remember the elves. Don’t get me wrong. I think that the “elf over achiever” moms are great. I aspired to be one last year. I even have a whole board on Pinterest dedicated to elf ideas.  Last year, I was still fairly sleep deprived as Sam was still not consistently sleeping at night. I told myself that I had an elf out. This year was going to be better. I was going to be an elf over achiever. I even considered making an elf calendar. Alas, Christmas 2012 is here and I have one thing to say about it.

I’m sorry, but if I wanted powdered sugar, toilet paper, or toys strewn about my house, I would turn Sam loose for 5 minutes while I hide in the bathroom with a bottle of wine.  I have a two year old tornado that makes plenty of messes by himself. I certainly don’t need my elves making a mess. So, I’ve had a pep talk with my elves. They are NOT allowed to do any thing that adds to my daily cleaning. We did have one exception of the mustaches drawn on family photos with a dry erase marker. I can deal with that. Food messes – no. Toilet paper – no. I’m too cheap for that.  My kids poop way too much to waste TP.  

I have accepted that we have boring elves, and I’m okay with that. If the kids go to bed early and easily, our elves are slightly more creative than usual. I’ve decided to keep the bar low. I mean, if my elves go repelling across our living room with all of the other action figures, my kids will expect way more the next day, right? So far, our children have been perfectly delighted to find our elves hiding in the tree, bathroom blinds (creepers), sharpening pencils, or playing with toys. Jack even brought M&M's this year. I can't take  credit for that. I found that on Pinterest.  I think my elves are going to fold laundry or wash dishes tonight. Maybe it will inspire my kids?

*Disclaimer * This blog post is in no way meant to make fun of families who have “over achieving” elves. I admire those families. I enjoy seeing your pictures on facebook, pinterest, and instagram. This blog post was written to help the slacker elf families feel okay and know that you are not alone. Because like you, I probably forgot to move the elf.

Weak

I’m going to ask for grace right now. When I’m posting a blog from raw emotions, I really have to edit myself. Translated into I have a terrible potty mouth, especially when I’m emotional. I censor myself around people that I know will be offended. Those who know me well,  know it and hear it. It doesn't mean I love Jesus any less. They are just descriptive words to me, but I know some are really offended.

I am weak. So incredibly weak. Almost a week ago, I completely broke down. It was a long time coming. I hold stuff in for a while and then I just let it out and it flows.

I’m feeling very broken lately. I’m overwhelmed because my house is a wreck. I can’t get enough free time to get it clean. Not just clean, but uncluttered.

I’m upset because our school routine really isn’t working with Harrison. I’m really upset because after spending nearly 6 weeks teaching him, it has become a reality. I have a special needs child. He doesn’t learn the same way other children learn. Before I was the one responsible for educating my child, his differences still just made him quirky. Now I see how hard he has to try in some areas. I am really seeing how he is indeed a boy with special needs. People, that just breaks your heart. Seeing firsthand how your child physically can’t tie his shoes, and crying with him about it…it is heartbreaking. Watching him struggle with handwriting because of sensory issues is frustrating. Seeing him completely zone out when you read aloud to him because he simply can’t focus or process auditory things the way many of us can, makes you want to punch something. Trying to make your house and his environment perfect, so that he doesn’t deal with distractions because of his sensory issues, is damn near impossible. It makes me feel like a failure. I fail him daily because I can’t teach him properly. It breaks my heart and makes me angry.

This is where is gets ugly and raw. I’m feeling so angry. Angry because of what Harrison is going through and what he will go through for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being creative with ways to talk to my son. I am just f@cking angry that I have a special needs child. Why? I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this. I realize that these thoughts may seem terrible. I know because they are my own thoughts. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking them. But I’m real and I’m not going to hide it. I feel like if I’m going through this, someone else must be and maybe that person needs to see that he or she isn’t alone. I would love to know that I’m not alone. I’m really dealing with the anger part of grieving my son’s diagnosis. It sucks.  It freaking sucks.

I’ve been praying a lot about this lately. I’m not going to lie. I’m really glad God listens to my prayers – my emotional potty mouth and all.

While praying, I came to a realization that I’m going about my homeschooling journey all wrong. The entire reason I started this journey is because I wanted to educate my children in a way that best fits their unique needs. I decided to go with a boxed set curriculum because of the ease of lesson planning. What I’ve done is “box” myself in though. I’m freaking out if we don’t get through the lesson plan in one day or if we have too much time left over in one day. Homeschool was supposed to give our family a certain freedom, but yet the only freedom I’ve let myself experience is the part about not panicking when my children stay up too late because we can start school whenever. I have decided  I'm about to add a lot more occupational therapy and social skills to our daily school routine, because that is what he needs the most. Don't worry - he will still be doing all the typical stuff, but we will approach it differently.

God really revealed some cool things to me in my prayers. A while back, our pastor preached on servanthood. It really spoke to me. I’m already very active in church. I  am in Stephen Ministry training, teach Sunday school, head of the Green Team, participate on the mission team, and pretty much help whenever I can with whatever I can. However, I haven’t really been applying it to my real life. You know…my home life. I’ve been struggling lately. My life is very mundane from day to day. If I were to guess, I’d say many stay at home mamas go through this. You start to feel like you can’t wash another dish, prepare another meal, change another diaper, or fold another load of laundry. All of those things really start feeling trivial and meaningless, especially when some of your friends and family have important or exciting jobs. God really said to me loudly and clearly that He has called me in this role of servanthood to my family and I need to take it more seriously. Those meals that I spend time making and often get refused actually do matter. They matter because they nourish my family. The laundry that I inevitably get behind on matters, because it clothes my family.  It matters that I get my daughter to her ballet lesson on time. It matters that I sew on patches to Harrison’s boyscout and karate uniforms. All of those tiny things matter because they are providing what my family needs without them having to worry about it. Now that I’ve added teacher to my trade belt, I don’t keep up with all of those other things as well as I did before. I’m still finding my rhythm and that’s okay. I really feel that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wants me exactly where I am right now, even if I feel I’m failing miserable.

But I’m not miserable. I know this was the journey I was called to take on and that I can do it with God’s guidance and the support of my loved ones. He always gives me just what I need to get through a day – like snuggles on the couch with Harrison while we read, or pearly hugs because she is just sweet, or sweet nursing moments with my growing toddler who will be weaned before you know it. I know I'm where I need to be when I see my precious boy who struggles with balance and coordination proudly ride a bike, or my sweet girl show off her new ballet moves at home, or my stinky "baby" smile at me with dog treat crumbs in his teeth.

Here are the scriptures I’ve turned to lately.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Isaiah 40: 28-31

28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.31 But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

God has got this. He put me where He wants me. I just have to trust Him, right? 

Hello again

Well, as usual, I drop off the face of the blogging planet during the summer. I'll update my readers on what has been happening in our little world.

We are officially a homeschooling family!
I felt confirmation in this decision many, many months ago and now it is official. I registered Harrison through a church school, Aaron Academy, bought 2nd grade curriculum and we are about to start day 5. The first 3 days were amazing. Day 4 was really rough. I know there are going to be plenty of those days. Those days are part of the reason we felt this was the right decision for our family. We went with the curriculum, My Father's World, which is a Charlotte Mason, classical, and unit study approach. It also incorporates Biblical worldview and international focus. It really seemed like the perfect fit for us. Initially, I was going to go the eclectic approach, and at some point I may. Honestly, I just really need the lesson plans. I'm not the most structured person, so having everything in a lesson plan is perfect. I just look through everything the weekend prior, gather supplies, and teach it. Harrison is really loving the U.S. History aspect and absolutely loves the timeline. He may end up being a history buff.

I didn't choose a box set for Kadie, mainly because of cost. She is pre-k, and I feel pretty strongly that preschoolers should be playing more than anything. I decided we would take a very laid back approach to learning all of the letters, both uppercase and lowercase. We will also learn more about numbers. She already knows her shapes and colors, but we will reinforce them. I'm very likely going to incorporate The Scaredy Cat Reading System during the second half of the year, if she is ready. If not, we will wait for kindergarten. She loves all of it. She loves writing her name, practicing letters, coloring, cutting...the list goes on. She is an eager student. She can handle anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.

I really need to get my butt in gear and get Sam's busy boxes made. He is a wild man/mess during school. He just likes to get into stuff, so I really need activity boxes for him. Spam me with ideas. I'm open for anything.

I can already tell that the laid back approach of home education is perfect for us. I haven't stressed about the kids getting in bed, or how much sleep Harrison is missing because he can't go to sleep at night. I don't feel rushed to get everything done in the hours that Harrison is gone to school, because I don't have to worry about picking him up anymore. Our kids naturally sleep to 8:30-9:00, so we will probably start schooling within an hour of wake time and focusing on math during Sam's nap.

Kadie is taking ballet!
The twirly girl's dream of become a ballerina is finally coming true. She is going to start in September. It is a combo class of ballet and tap that lasts for 45 minutes. We bought her shoes and leotard today, and she has been twirling and pointing all over the house. I'm so excited for her and I cannot wait to see her on the stage in her first performance. It makes my heart happy.

On a different note, Harrison is upset that he isn't taking karate. He had mentioned it earlier in the year, and his occupational therapist suggested some type of martial arts for core strength. I'm currently in research mode, and now that his play therapy is almost over, his schedule will probably allow for it. It was just too much while he was in school, boyscouts, church, and two types of therapy, but now it is a real possibility. I'd love to get him into a homeschool robotics league, but I think I need to be mindful of our commitments.

I'm about halfway through Stephen Ministry training!
Training has really been a blessing to me. I'm learning so much about myself and interacting with others. What I'm learning is really applicable in our home. I'm still a little nervous about my first care relationship assignment, but I know that God has got this under control. One of the biggest things I've learned is how I'm just really not assertive. Ever. I'm really working hard on it. It has been uncomfortable, but therapeutic. I'm praying I can continue this growth without going right back where I started.

Sam will be 2 soon!
He turns 2 in October. I simply cannot believe it. He is still nursing and it varies how much. Some days it is only once and other days, he wants to nurse every time I hold him. I foresee him nursing until he is at least 2. If he is still nursing in the spring, I will evaluate how I'm feeling about it and consider weaning him. He is finally becoming verbal. He speaks a precious and hard to understand toddlerese. He will repeat most things that you ask him to say. There are certain letter sounds that he won't attempt. He also is leery about too many syllables. I can't help but wonder if there might be a speech delay, but I'm fairly certain I could just be paranoid. He talks to us quite a bit now...we just have to figure out what he is saying. He is a tornado. I've never seen a toddler so wild, inquisitive, and full of life.

Chris started back to work/school last week. It is crazy how when school starts, we fall right back into busy time. He still works the same schedule at church, but has a pretty big project he is working on for his other business, Starving Lion Media. It is either "feast or famine" so to speak with our free time.

Well, I'm going to end because it is almost 1:30 am and I do require some sleep.  Perhaps I will blog again soon. Until next time....

Love...

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This passage of scripture is stuck in my head. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

 I'm feeling pretty upset right now. I'm not really going to go into details about why I am upset, because it isn't really important. I don't want to be loving, accepting, kind, or patient and God reminded me of this passage.  I'm a really stubborn creature.  

Sometimes people aren't really worthy of our love. I've definitely been the unworthy one on multiple occasions. Sometimes people are such jerks, or so caught up in themselves and their own stuff, that they make you feel small and insignificant. Sometimes people just make us feel badly. Sometimes they are struggling so much with their own personal things that they don’t intentionally hurt us, but they do. Sometimes they make us angry because they hurt someone that we love. But that is just the thing. They are just people. People make mistakes. I make bad choices on a daily basis. If God based His love for me on my actions, I'd probably seldom receive His love. I'm thankful that He is the example of love. 

Father,

Help me love others the way you love them. Help me to see through the hurt, the bad decisions, the selfishness, the inner turmoil, and love them. Help me show them Grace. Help me remember the example of love that you have shown me over and over again. Help them see You in me.

Amen.

Hats (for His glurry)

This morning I get a call shortly after 8:00. Today is the last day of school and the kids were allowed to bring handheld gaming devices. Harrison left his DS at home. Just as he was calling, I saw it sitting on the couch and I knew it wasn't good. Poor little guy was very upset and his teacher told him that if he knew my number, he could call me. I told him that I'd be there no later than 9:00 with his DS because I had to get all of us dressed (today was a pj's in the van morning).

Well, I am a hot mess and my hair is a little crazy, so I grabbed my pink Boston Red Sox hat to cover my bad hair. I don't actually wear hats very often because my head is huge and they drive me crazy. Sam couldn't get over seeing me in a hat. He sees Daddy wear one all of the time, but not Mama. So, of course, he needed a hat.

Well, Kadie can't be left out, but she only has hats for His glurry. If you have no idea what I'm talking about,  here is a quick reference. hats Our precious family friend/little sister/big sister figure, Victoria, introduced us to Shirley Q Liquor last summer. My life has really never been the same.

She really looks like she is posing for glamor photo shoot. Not sure what is up with that. She really just needs a matching feather boa and a dark velour backdrop.

  Then, of course, Sam needs a hat for His glurry. This boy is all kinds of ridiculous.

So, today in the Holbrook house, it is all about the hats!

Oh, and we got Harrison's DS to him at 9:00 on the dot and he couldn't be happier!

A follow up to my previous post

First of all, I feel the need to publicly thank every single one of you who has reached out to me since my last blog post. I am simply overwhelmed at all of the kind and encouraging words. It feels absolutely wonderful knowing that so many people are praying for us. Let me also say, I was away at my mom's today and haven't had a chance to return any phone calls.

I will be really honest. I did not want to make my post public. I wanted to journal my thoughts to help me process things and leave it at that. I can't explain it in any other way - the Holy Spirit nudged me to post it publicly. I really struggled with it. I wanted to go back and edit it. My fear was that people would really see how weak I truly am. My other fear was that people would think I was just having a big ol' pity party for myself.

Let me expound on those 2 fears a bit. I know that I am weak and I know that I am nothing without Christ. But lately, I feel absolutely beaten down and it is hard to share that with the world (the world being my blog viewers). It isn't that I try to put on a front, but I just don't think the world really needs to know how helpless and weak I really feel. As far as the pity party - my post wasn't to try to make people say..."Oh, those poor Holbrooks. They are just pitiful." My reason for posting was to give others a glimpse of Aspergers, and so that everyone knows specifically how they can pray for us. We are both just feeling worn down and in desperate need of prayers and encouragement.

As far as providing a glimpse of Aspergers - I feel very led to raise awareness. Shows like the "Big Bang Theory" and "Parenthood" have definitely introduced it into more homes. Chances are, many of us know an Aspie. They are cool people. They look just like the rest of us. You can't really tell a thing is different by looking at them. But there is a lot that goes on that people don't realize. I think as a mom to an Aspie, my son deserves to have his mom be an advocate for helping the world understand him and his Aspie peers just a little better.

But let me give credit where ALL credit is due. Since my blog post, I've been flooded with calls, texts, facebook messages, and comments of support.  So basically, a blog post that I didn't even want to share and wrestled with all day, has done several things. It has our village of prayer warriors praying for us. I have received personal stories from people that have touched me deeply. People who are going through similar things. People who are struggling, but not necessarily in the same areas. People have taken the time in their busy days to reach out to us, and that means so much. People whom I've never physically met and may not ever be able to meet are reaching out and telling me that I've inspired them or helped them through a troubling time. That my friends is God. I took a chance and let the Holy Spirit lead me to post it, and nothing but goodness has come from it. It is amazing how God reveals Himself to us in so many ways. If my posting a personal blog about my struggles puts God in one person's life, it was absolutely worth it. My biggest prayer and most sincere wish is that God will use my struggles and my life to glorify Him. To minister to others. I mean, if we can't use the crappy stuff in our life to make something beautiful, then what is the point? I'm so incredibly humbled that my journey has done that for others. If you see any strength, any beauty, or anything inspiring coming from me or my family, it is God. Nothing but God. God is beauty. God is grace. God is strength. God is love. God is peace.

My heart is filled with love. I'm overwhelmed with peace. I can't thank you enough for showing support. It means more than you will ever know.

I don't even know what to title this post

We are about 4 1/2 months into our journey with Aspergers. I have so much on my mind. I don't want my blog to only be about parenting a child with AS, but this is my blog and I generally write about what is on my mind. This is always on my mind.

I took a small break from reading books about it. Honestly, they made me feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I needed a break. Plus, I live with it everyday - so reading about it almost made it unbearable.

From what I understand about Aspergers, it will improve as he gets older as long as we give him the tools to understand his symptoms. So, it isn't so much that these symptoms just go away, but he will know how to manage them more appropriately.  I feel like we are noticing more things because of A) our increased awareness of Aspergers and B) his own personal maturation, which is amplifying some of his symptoms. I also understand that stress can cause regression, which for Harrison would mean his obsessions get more intense and his impulses get harder for him to manage.

I'm back to my AS reading and I'm reading a really helpful book on parenting an AS child with sense of humor, because lets face it - you must keep your sense of humor. This book has really helped me feel a sense of relief. I'm not going to lie. I feel like a terrible mother on a pretty regular basis. Harrison has never been easy, so even before we were given his diagnosis, we did things differently with him. But what I'm realizing is that I do not really give myself any grace with parenting, especially with him. That has to stop. Now, let me be clear. I'm not saying that parenting a non-special needs child is easy. So please don't think that if you have only children without special needs, I think your life is a cake walk. That is not what I'm saying. What I'm finally now able to admit is that parenting a child on the spectrum is down right hard. It is exhausting. It is stressful. It may be unrewarding for long stretches of time. Parenting a child on the spectrum is different. I know. I have three children and I parent them very differently. Even though Kadie is not a special needs child, she is high needs (some might say high maintenance). She is very sensitive and isn't really easy, but it is different than it is with H. Sam, as of now, is easy. Now, his insatiable need to explore and climb is exhausting, but it is different. I want to stress that I think parenting is hard for anyone. It is challenging. I am just finally ready to admit to the world, I'm struggling. I feel like I'm sinking and I need love and support.

I'd like to give everyone a sneak peek into a stressful morning we had yesterday. I apologize for any grammatical errors. This is going to be long.

Home:
 Monday mornings are our Occupational Therapy days. We go to Siskins every Monday at 8:30 and we have for about 6 weeks now. We don't take H to school prior to OT because it would be pointless, so Monday mornings are a little more relaxed for us because we have 30 extra minutes. Yesterday, we had a hard time getting moving because we went to bed later due to Mother's Day festivities. I'm not a morning person at all. It takes several cups of coffee to make me approachable. Harrison's biggest struggles are in the mornings. (For those of you who don't know, a common trait among Aspies is saying whatever is on their mind with no filter). He is downright rude and mean in the morning. He says what many of us think, but would never really say. I generally just tell him not to talk to anyone because he simply cannot be tactful in the morning. It causes fights and it is just easier that way. Even me knowing about his lack of filter doesn't make it easy. Let's face it. Words hurt. Kadie wakes up pretty chatty. She is annoying to me, and I don't have AS. So, I realize that she is almost intolerable to him. He just wants to be left alone and she just wants to talk to him. It honestly just isn't fair to either of them and it simply doesn't work. He doesn't have much tolerance for her, but mornings allow no wiggle room. My main job in the morning is to keep them from killing each other and to keep H on task for getting ready. Sam usually wakes up with a cheerful disposition, but yesterday he was GRUMPY. To make matters worse, I could not get him to wake, so I had to dress him on the fly and pack a to-go breakfast for him. There was no time for him to play or "hatch". Harrison was overtired on top of recovering from being sick (that should ready Aspie qualities are exacerbated due to stress of being tired & sick)  Every word that had come from his mouth was pretty upsetting. I almost forgot to mention that I never had a chance to pour myself a cup of coffee. I did manage to prepare one for the road. I also forgot to mention that I woke up with a sore throat and itchy eyes, so I was already at a disadvantage.

The Drive:
So, we load into the van and we are already 5 minutes behind. Harrison and Kadie were arguing and Sam was fussing. I inform my older children that they are not to speak on our ride to Siskins. I explain to them I needed to make a phone call to let Siskins know we were running behind and they needed to take a break from talking to each other because they were not being nice and it was upsetting Sam.  We had barely backed out of the driveway before Harrison was yelling to me that he really needed to tell me something important. I'm on hold to Siskins. I motion to him to be quiet. He keeps yelling. I lose my call because I accidentally hit "end". Try this again. Finally got a voicemail, so I leave a message that we are going to be slightly late with a yelling 7 year old and fussing toddler as my background music. I acknowledge  H, so he will tell me his important issue. He goes on a rant about how he is angry with his teacher because of toy policy in the classroom, and he has been angry with her since October. (Side note: if an Aspie has a rant, they can't just let it go. They will not stop until they get it off their chest) I explain to him that it is acceptable to get angry but not to stay angry at someone. I briefly explain that harboring anger in our hearts is not healthy and makes God sad. I offer to pray with him about forgiveness and anger. He tells me that he thinks he will forgive everyone and that maybe we can pray later tonight. We ride the rest of the way in silence.

Siskins:
We get to Siskins and fortunately our being late didn't cause any issues. The waiting room was unusually packed. The thing about the waiting room at Siskins is that you have a whole myriad of special needs children in the waiting room. Kadie is very curious about why children are making unusual noises, or why they don't want to to play with her, or don't know how to play with her. I finally coerce her to read a book with me so that she will stop getting upset about all of the kids. Meanwhile, a lady leaves a cup of coffee unattended and Sam notices it instantly. He spills a large McDonald's coffee that was almost full all over the floor. The office had no towels and told us that we just needed to use paper towels from the restroom. This wouldn't have been a problem, except the only paper towel machine was the one that had a sensor and only spits out a small square of non-absorbent paper towel each time. Seriously?  It literally took me and the other mom about 6 trips each with a giant handful of paper towels to wipe up the coffee. The whole time I'm wiping up this mess and running in and out of the restroom, Kadie is under my feet trying to help, and Sam is screaming because I took the coffee away from him. Then Harrison walks out with his OT and she is explaining the day's session and what he needs to work on. She also tells me that she thinks he needs to be evaluated by a pediatric PT because of some concerns she has about his lower extremities. We leave and I'm nearly in tears because I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed because of the morning we've had thus far. Add into that the added stress of one more treatment/therapy/evaluation Harrison needs that we probably can't afford. This was a wonderful year for our FSA to be canceled. So far we are looking at core strengthening therapy for H (taekwondo & stroking lessons - both of which are not covered under our insurance), an evaluation by a developmental vision specialist, and now a physical therapy evaluation. We haven't even started counseling/behavioral therapy for him yet.

The Parking Lot:
So, I'm forgetting God is with me. I'm forgetting that God is Peace and takes care of me. I'm brimming with tears walking down a sidewalk on Carter Street carrying Sam, while my older kids start running. They are heading straight for a busy area with cars. I'm pretty far behind them at this point and yelling for them to stop. Oh, I forgot to mention, it was raining and we didn't have an umbrella with us. After what seemed liked an eternity, they both finally stop running. So I am scolding them both for running away from me on a busy street & parking lot and them giving them directions on not stepping in puddles. Of course, they do not listen to me about the puddles and Kadie's boots are soaked. She doesn't deal well with uncomfortable clothing. She was upset about her boots. I tell her she isn't allowed to remove them until we get H to school, which is literally about 2-3 minutes away. Sam is fussing again and H is in his "we have to hurry to get to school because I hate being tardy" mode. I get the two younger children fastened in their car seats and get in my seat. My van won't start. What? This goes on for about 5 minutes, as I'm checking everything I know to check. This is the type of thing Harrison doesn't handle well. He realizes our car isn't starting and starts having a meltdown. I call my husband and we try to troubleshoot it. I'm trying my best to stay calm so my children don't feed off my emotions. We think it is a fuse or the starter. I call my mother-in-law to rescue us. She can come but is about 10-15 minutes away and had to quickly get ready. For at least half of our wait for her to arrive, H is having a monumental meltdown. He hates being tardy. He doesn't want to miss lunch. He doesn't want to miss work stations. There is no comforting him. Sometimes despite your best efforts, you cannot reason with an Aspie child. You just need to let them do their thing. I tried everything. Sweet Kadie was trying also. Sam was just crying because it was stressful. My mother-in-law arrives and we decided it would be easiest  to put the booster in her car while she sits with the younger two kids in my van, so I can get him to school as soon as possible. She has a new car that she's had for just over a week  (this is not irrelevant).

On the way to school/School:
The whole way to school Harrison insisted that we calculate the amount of hours she has had her new car. Converting days to hours is one of his latest obsessions. The thing about Aspies...sometimes their obsessions are endearing and fun. Normally I don't mind playing along, but I had no brain power in my head left to figure out how many hours my mother-in-law has had her new car. Math is not my strong suit. I was stressed. I was over it. I did NOT want to do math in my head. I just wanted to drop him off at school and figure out what we were going to do about my van. He was relentless. Needless to say in that 3 minute trip, we calculated the approximate amount of hours she has owned her new car and somehow managed to talk about ninjas (another obsession).  We get into the office and he immediately tells the office staff:

"We're late. We're always late on Monday's. I have occupational therapy. But today after my therapy, our van wouldn't start. My note is only for occupational therapy because I have it every Monday. Mom always checks my pockets on Monday's. She doesn't check them on other days. I like to sneak toys to school on Monday's. So she checks my pockets. I hope I didn't miss lunch."

I'm sorry it took me so long to describe my morning. Kudos to you if you actually got through all of it. I realize that everyone has bad mornings. I'm not saying I'm unique in that. I'm just trying to post a glimpse of how having a child with Aspergers compounds a stressful morning into a monumentally stressful morning. This is where I'm having to teach myself it is okay to give myself grace. Six months ago, I would have beaten myself up over what I could have done differently. Now, that I'm understanding what makes H tick, I understand how an out of routine morning can set him off pace for the whole day. You see, our whole life has been like that with him. I just always thought he was an inflexible little old man and I could teach him to be more adaptable. I thought I was a terrible parent because of his inflexibility and my lack of ability to shape him towards flexibility. Now I realize it is just who he is. Life throws us curve balls. I'm not exactly the most flexible person either. Curve balls are hard for me. I try to put myself in his shoes. Curve balls knock my little guy completely off course.

Another reality in our life. Raising neurotypical children with your child on the spectrum. Neurotypical is a term you see the minute your child is diagnosed with a spectrum disorder to describe typically developing children/adults. Normal is not really an acceptable term to use for typical kids, because that implies that something is wrong with your child on the spectrum...something wrong rather than just different.  How do you raise your children in the same home? How do you parent them all the way they need to be parented? It seems as if you are catering to the needs your AS child and completely negating the needs of your other children. One of the biggest hurdles we face right now is understanding  H's sensory issues and what causes him to stim or meltdown. A big part of that is him dealing with his siblings. We've determined it is pretty important for him to always have his own room so that he can have a refuge. It isn't fair to make your other children stop talking, playing, dancing, or singing when your AS child can't handle it. But it isn't fair to him either. What do you do? It is hard. Then you have the struggle of giving your AS child all of the therapy and treatment he needs to have the best chances of functioning. Right now, financially, it is stressful and depressing. Harrison needs and will probably need a lot of therapy over the next several years. We can't even do it all for him right now. We have to pick and choose. There is a lot of guilt over that. Then you look at trying to just give your neurotypical children some extra curricular activities. When what seems like an extra curricular activity for H is actually therapeutic, it is hard to explain to your daughter why she isn't taking ballet lessons right now. It just doesn't seem fair to her. Thankfully the younger two are young and they don't really realize all of this right now.

On top of this stress, I have the question looming in my head - should I go back to work? Would it make things easier? We still would have two in daycare, so essentially I'm working to pay for daycare with very little left over. And what is left over probably isn't enough to justify the stress of me working full time. At least with me staying home, I'm here for sick kids. I'm here for the doctor's appointments. I'm here to cook the majority of the meals. I'm here to do the housework and cleaning (um, not my strongest area). There are a lot of expenses you incur when both parents are working that are convenience expenses or work related expenses. Eating out more often, gas expenses, work clothes, more doctor visits for sick kids due to daycare exposure, work related expenses..the list is actually pretty lengthy and we really considered all aspects when we made the decision to become a stay at home mom.  I already feel like homeschooling H is where God is leading us and actually peace about the decision, so ultimately I know going back to work isn't an option, but sometimes it does seem like it would make things easier.

I feel like I get burned out more than my other parent friends. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Then I start reading this book I referred to earlier. The guy talks about how exhausting it is to raise a child with AS. He talks about how it is important to give yourself breaks because you are dealing with something that most parents don't have to deal with. I need to be able to escape the Aspie word on occasion and it is hard to do so. Do you know how relieved that made me feel? I feel such extreme guilt for feeling like I need a break. Quite frankly, with our current situation, neither one of us gets too many breaks. We have an almost non existent budget for childcare. Not only do we have a child with AS, but we have three children. We rarely go on dates. We rarely take time alone. It is tough and probably one of the biggest challenges that parents of children on the spectrum face. We can't just leave our children with anyone. Kids on the spectrum aren't comfortable with everyone. Plus, not everyone wants to deal with the possibility of a meltdown. If you aren't used to them, they can be scary. It is understandable. There was a point in my life I probably wouldn't have been comfortable watching a child that might have a meltdown. I get it. Plus I don't like asking for anything because I don't want to inconvenience others, so I don't. It makes me feel guilty. I know we have people that will help us and I need to be more willing to utilize those resources. I know that sometimes allowing someone to give me or Chris a break is actually blessing them, because it is something they are able to do for us. I need to get over my inability to let others help.

I think ultimately what has been troubling me the most, is the fact I can't "fix" my son. As someone who feels very deeply and I read people so well that I almost take on their mood, it is hard for me to fathom my son not being able to pick up on these social cues. How do I teach him? Can he ever be taught? Does it really matter? How do you teach your child not to sound like an ass when talking to someone? It really tears me up inside. I love him so much. He is such an awesome little guy. I know that people who take the time to get to know him will love him and accept him ,and that does give me comfort, but he won't always have that bubble. It is just scary sometimes.

I also realize that just 4 1/2 months into our journey with AS is still relatively short in the grand scheme of life. We are still processing it. We are still coming to terms with it. Each month brings new challenges and emotions. I'm also the type of person who really has to analyze and process things internally. It took me a good year if not longer to grieve the loss of my father, so I know I just need to give myself time.

This blog post was probably more of a journal entry for me. I realize that it is hard to follow and I only publish it because if my feelings can help someone, I want them to help someone. There are still emotions floating around inside of me that I can't quite identify yet. I did come across a quote that really reflects how I feel and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt why God called me to start Stephen Ministry training.

For those of you who have gotten this far, I thank you. I ask that you cover my family in prayer. If you would like specific prayer needs, I'm going to list them for you.

*Pray that we can keep a strong marriage. Pray that we make quality time for each other and not get bogged down in the messiness of life and forget our love for each other.
*Pray that we can parent each of our children how they need to be parented.
*Pray that we can use our life journey to minister to others.
*Pray for our finances. Pray that we can give Harrison the treatment he needs. Pray for discernment so that we can give him what he needs the most at the right time.
*Pray that our other children do not feel resentment or abnormal jealousy toward Harrison and that we can work together as a supportive family unit.
*Pray for peace for our family.
*Pray that we will utilize our village of support. 
*Pray that keep Christ the center of our home and hearts.

Well, if you know me well, you know I am going to blog about it

I haven't really written about breastfeeding in awhile. It has been on my mind, but I've been a busy bee lately. However, this cover of TIME has caused a lot of controversy and deserves some attention.

http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20120521,00.html

If you know me, then you know my stance on breastfeeding. You likely know my stance on extending breastfeeding. If you don't - I'm for it.

Why am I for it? It is normal. It is healthy. It is a big part of the reason our breasts are there. God gave us breasts to nourish and comfort our children. There is nothing perverse or weird about it. Our society has sexualized breasts to the extent where we feel that breastfeeding beyond a certain age is somehow emotionally traumatizing our children. I'm not saying breasts can't be and aren't sexual, but I am saying that they are so much more than that.

I've written about it before, but I will share again just a few of the great benefits of breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding.

* Breast milk increases in fat after the first year.  Do you have a picky or busy toddler? All the more reason to nurse him/her.
*Breastfed children are generally healthier.
*There are countless immune factors that are well worth researching!
*Reduces the risk of several cancers for mom (breast, uterine, ovarian, & endometrial).
*Breastmilk contains HAMLET (a substance which kills cancer)

There are many more...google it!

However, I have a big problem with this photo on the cover of time. I realize they are using this picture for shock value, and I'm certain it will accomplish just that! The problem I have with this photo is that it really doesn't help normalize extended breastfeeding. Yes, my toddler does stand from time to time when he nurses. I do prefer to teach my children nursing manners, because quite frankly, it can hurt if they stand or get too acrobatic. This picture will likely continue to ostracize those of us who are extended nursers. I really wished they had used one of these photos instead.

I will forever treasure the breastfeeding bond that I shared with my children. My hope is that this article will help open the eyes of our culture to see breastfeeding as a normal and healthy way of life. I hope that we can encourage nursing moms and make them feel confident that they are doing something truly wonderful for their babies. It isn't weird. It is normal.



Sources:
http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/#nutrition
http://www.kathydettwyler.org/dettwyler.html
http://www.lalecheleague.org/nb/nbextended.html
http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/29/why-pediatricians-say-breast-feeding-is-about-public-health-not-just-lifestyle/
http://www.drmomma.org/2010/04/hamlet-substance-in-breastmilk-kills.html
http://www.hygeiababy.com/blog/?p=459

The things you love the most often drive you crazy

This week I've been really focusing my prayers on my family. I want to be a better wife and better mom, so I've been asking for God to show me how and reveal areas of sin or areas that need improvement. I feel like I've been a slacker lately or just not really giving it my all. I tend to get in ruts, and I've definitely been digging myself out of one.

I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I like to "keep it real" and I want my experiences to help someone.  If I can help one person through my blog post, it is worth it. Here lately, I've been struggling with my attitude with my daughter. She is wonderful. The problem is mine. She doesn't ever stop talking. Ever. It is certainly cute and endearing, but it drives me freaking bonkers. Often I will snap at her because I just can't handle it. The root of the problem is that I like a lot of quiet and down time. It has been my hardest transition since becoming a stay at home mom. I am not trying to sound like a martyr, because it is what it is - but I simply don't get much quiet time. I savor it when I get it. She has always been a chatty thing but the past few months, have been increasingly filled with talking. The only time she isn't talking is when she is asleep.

So, I've been feeling terribly about this. I've been praying that God will change my heart. This week, I've really been able to see things in a new light. I'm trying to take the time to see things through her little 3 year old eyes and appreciate the great detail she uses when talks to me. I still ask her for breaks because my ears get tired. I'm also trying to teach her that being quiet is actually good for the soul. She doesn't really understand that in a spiritual way yet, but she will eventually. But now, when she tells me a 10 minute story describing minute details, I sit in awe that her little brain is already so capable of remembering those things.

This week I will inevitably get frustrated with Harrison because he is so engrossed in making his pretend movies or giving me a monologue on his newest obsession.  I will remind myself that his imagination and amazing memory are gifts from God; and if nurtured properly, will be used to glorify Him.

This week  I will get overwhelmed by Kadie Pearl's incessant chatting, singing and twirling. I am going to remind myself that people are drawn to her sweet spirit. She is going to be a great story teller one day and perhaps a best selling author.

This week I will get flabbergasted by Sam's curiosity AKA exploring every nook and cranny in our house and making a giant mess while he does it. Yet again, I will remind myself that he has an insatiable need to explore and discover things. Who knows where is boldness and curiosity will take him? I pray that He will be used to do great things for God.

I have been blessed with three precious children. My deepest desire is for them to know God and discover His plan for their lives. I will not crush their little spirits. I commit to doing everything I can to nurture them into their full potential. I can't do this alone. I pray daily that Chris and I will be the kind of parents they need. I pray for the people in their lives that will influence them greatly. I pray for the "village" that it takes to raise children and that my children learn through our strengths, weaknesses, successes and failures. I don't really think it is possible to pray for our children too much.

Hold me accountable friends. I mean that.

Peace

I'm guest blogging again for my pastor. This topic deals with my Lent journey of finding peace, and you can read the post over here.

Spring Cleaning

So, I started some pretty hard core spring cleaning today. Much needed. I decided to work in my laundry room, which I hoped to finish, but I still have another hour or two of work left. Honestly, I don't think I did any major spring cleaning last year, probably because I was still getting used to life with three children. It takes me quite awhile to adjust to a new child. Anyway, I'm always amazed at how much stuff I accumulate in a year's time. I'm pretty motivated to finish the whole house and I think next week is low-key, so I really hope to knock out most of it next week.

During my immersion in my cleaning, I had some time with my thoughts because Sam was napping and Kadie was playing quietly. I really started thinking of how Lent has been spring cleaning for my soul. This is really the first year I've been really dedicated to my Lent journey. I didn't grow up in the Methodist church, so Lent is a pretty new concept for me. Even though we've been at our current church for five years (wow), I still really didn't understand Lent until this year.

I've always loved spring but this year combined with my worrying less and having more peace journey and our seemingly record high temps (at least in my book), I am so happy. Happiness is not always something that comes easily for me. I have a hard time letting go of my worries and troubles, and therefore don't always allow myself to experience my joy. That is the problem. I've always let myself be the determining factor in whether or not I experience joy. Quite frankly it is downright stupid. I've had to let go of a lot lately and I'm pretty sure that is why I've really experienced the joy. 

My prayer is that everyone can really let God give your soul a good spring cleaning. Confess your sins, pray, and live your life. I will end on some pictures and quotes that I enjoy.

A Love Letter

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 This is my 100th post on this blog and I thought about doing something cool to celebrate, but that wasn't what was in my heart. So, yay for 100 posts...let's move on....

My husband and I were talking this evening in the van, where we have many of our most meaningful conversations. I was telling him some things that have been in my heart for the past few days. I feel like God wants me to go deeper with some of the things I write on my blog, but I don’t really know if I’m ready to expose so much of myself. But then again, I can’t really ignore it.  One thing I mentioned to him was how I feel more appreciative of God’s grace and love, having experienced some true  lows in my life.  So, I sit here tonight, praying and this is what is in my heart. It is a love letter to God.

It was dark and cold. I was so forlorn. My soul was desolate and I was unyielding, though I knew the truth.

I disregarded all I knew. All the verities I knew of You. I made the choice to keep about my ways; despite my loss of joy and my pain.

Sometimes the truth isn’t always easy to embrace. Sometimes it is easier to make the wrong choice. Yet You remain, steadfast and true.

Then I truly experienced your grace. I allowed you to overtake me and pursue the depths of my soul. You embraced me and showed me love, like I’ve never experienced before. Because this time, I was ready to accept that love. You have always loved me the same, but I’m a rather obstinate creature.  I ran away from your love.

So here I am, still open to receiving that outpouring of love. It has made me a new creation. I love others differently because I want to see them how You see them -beautiful souls made in your image.

I am nothing without You and I have everything because of You. It is in You that I place my trust. My faith. My life. I am Yours and I’m no longer lonely. I have a peace that comes only from You.  You are Good and I’m glad I am Yours.